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Used or Manipulated

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  • Used or Manipulated

    I have been dating a women for about 1.5 years now. She is a single mother and was in an abusive relationship with her ex. I am divorced after marrying and being with my HS sweetheart for almost 20 years. I adore her daughter and we get along really well, we both genuinely love each other. We were friends before we started dating. The issue I have is the way my girlfriend treats me. She is often cold and unaffectionate. She at times backs away when I touch here and never initiates any intimacy (sex, touching, etc.) She routinely denies my sexual advances. She is very affectionate with her daughter. We went through a rough patch at the beginning of our relationship and had some awful fights over my boundaries.She fights mean and hits below the belt. In fairness, I did say some awful things to her, but I lost my cool after she attacked me. We have always got through it, but it takes its toll.

    My issues are that she has on occasion blatantly flirted with other men in front of me (rubbing their arms, chest, etc. Friends massaging the back of her neck, slapping her ass, holding hands) She is flirty by nature but she pushed my boundaries on several occasions and I told her that I was not willing to accept that behavior as I find it extremely disrespectful. In the beginning, I also caught her on several occasions messaging ex bf's and other random guys. She remains secretive with her phone and at one point turned all notifications off so I wouldn't see who was texting her... To which I called her out again. She is active daily on instagram and has never posted a picture of us. Her reaction when I bring up anything is to always get defensive and call me controlling, insecure and jealous. I made my point that it was not about control, but about respect - for me and our relationship. She has created an environment of distrust. There are a lot more things but I wont get into details.

    I am at my breaking point. She goes through these episodes of removing all affection from me, limits communication (Stonewalls) and I feel like she is trying to control and manipulate me. I find it extremely difficult to communicate with her. i speak to her in a very loving and caring way, do not raise my voice and try to listen and open her up. I don't say "you" and I emphasize that it's how I feel. I have raised my trust issues with her, but she has not changed a thing and has never apologized to me once for anything. I believe she knows her behavior is inappropriate and she has said she gets mean when her back is up against the wall. She simply gets angry and starts a fight, doesn't want to resolve or talk about it and brushes it under the rug. My gut is telling me that she is using me at this point. I make a good living, have an amazing family and can give her and her daughter a good life. I think she wants the best of both worlds (security/looking single and getting attention) and is unwilling to give up either one. I do not know if she is cheating or cheated on me but she might as well be at this point because it sure feels like it. I have told her that I expect a relationship to include respect, honesty, loyalty and openness. I don't understand why someone would continue to be with me while acting this way. She is sabotaging the relationship. Does she want me to be the one to walk away or does she simply want me to accept this behavior? I have walked out twice before, but she has this way of bringing me back in.

  • #2
    I checked the history of your posts and since 2017 you seem to have the same recurring problems. At some point you're going to have a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you've contributed to this sequence of errors or misdemeanors and unrest in your relationship. Since the issues have been ongoing for some time, OP, you only have yourself to blame. I'm not saying that your concerns are not valid or worth another opinion but you are not doing yourself any favours constantly repeating the same mistakes.

    Fyi, your language above suggests bitterness, anger, resentment and misplaced trust. You shouldn't be trusting someone like this but yet you are. Does this make you untrustworthy too?


    • #3
      Turncoat04 I don't think she's manipulating and controlling you. She's not telling you what to do. She's telling you that you need to accept how she is or there is the door. Not that how she behaves is acceptable but she's not willing to change for the better nor for you so you don't have many options. You either grudgingly tolerate her personality and character or you exit the relationship. Both of you are mismatched and incompatible. You can't expect two different people to have a harmonious relationship when your values and what's important to both of you are so vastly different. Whenever there is indifference and apathy, all relationships are doomed for failure. A leopard can't change its spots. They are who they are.

      You can't force people to change. Either they're a good match for you or they are not. In order for relationships to succeed, you need to be in lockstep and on the same page. Any other way, spells disaster.

      Certain behaviors are unacceptable and new boundaries change the dynamic. Often times this means estrangement. (For others such as relatives, in-laws, colleagues, neighbors, friends, acquaintances, etc., boundaries refer to minimal, brief, polite, respectful yet distant behavior and contact.)

      Since she deflects and engages in gaslighting you, beware because it only gets worse. You need to walk out one last final time and never look back.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


      • #4
        Turncoat04 How can you possibly keep living like this? Watching the woman you claim to love throw herself at other men like that? It is highly likely that she is sleeping with other men too.She does not give a shit about boundaries, opting to do as she pleases and doesn't care how disrespectful she is to you. She doesn't care how much she hurts you. Can you really keep living like that? Her behavior is utterly disgusting and i'm certain she does not love you. She is using you for some reason but what that is i'm not sure. Stability? Money? You cannot keep letting her treat you like this. As Chanelle said, do yourself a favor for your own sanity, walk away one last time and don't look back. Time to realize that this relationship will never succeed.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


        • #5
          We have talked about how we feel both of us are trying to change the other person. She said to me once "you need to love and accept someone for who they are." I answered that I %100 agree but not if what that person is doing doesn't align with your values and their actions hurt you -that really upset her. She is a self admitted major flirt and I accepted that to a degree, but she on occasion takes it too far and it puts her in situations she doesn't need to be in. She loves attention. One of things that really upset her during our fights was I said that she will never have a healthy long term relationship if she continues to treat her partners this way, no man who wants a women that they deem to be disloyal or disrespects them this way. I believe she is built for an open relationship, but I think she knows that will never offer her the security and life she wants. She continually talks about getting married, having a baby with me, etc. I have told her that what she is doing hurts me and that I feel she is continuously discounting my feelings. She tells me her ex husband was very controlling - the guy even installed a GPS tracker in her car without telling her. I always thought it was him that was nuts, but I am beginning to question how she treated him in their relationship. Not that I condone or would ever do that, but I can see how having your wife treat you this way would drive some people to do crazy shit. Is asking her to be open about guys she is texting with, not being shady with her phone, and to stop trying to appear single and flirt with other men controlling? To me it's about respect and having a healthy relationship. I honestly just can't wrap my head around it - it doesn't make sense. I have researched narcissism and borderline to see if this is what I am potentially dealing with. She is drop dead gorgeous and I think men have always put her on a pedestal and she has always treated them like shit - I'm embarrassed that I have let someone walk all over me like this.
          • Obsessed with her looks, very vain but admits it
          • Dress' provocatively
          • Craves attention
          • Never apologizes
          • Materialistic
          • Lacks empathy, integrity
          • Selfish
          • Self centered - always talks about how good she is at things, how smart she is, etc.
          When things are good with us, they are great and I clearly fell in love with her. I was going through a divorce and she made me feel amazing. Unfortunately, she was amazing in the beginning and at times when she senses I am withdrawing. Things get bad and then good again, she is hot and cold. Don't get me wrong, I am miserable right now but I have a young girl involved that I care deeply for and I made a huge error in judgement by buying a house with her. I thought that maybe things would get better but nothing has really changed. Easily the biggest mistake of my life. I am more concerned with her daughters welfare than anything else at this point. Now I am in even deeper and things are very complicated. I know I need to get out and have started to distance myself emotionally from her, but it's difficult. I was going to talk to her this morning about everything and tell her how I couldn't do it anymore, but it's like she knew. She rolled over in bed this morning and initiated sex for the first time in ages, made me feel wanted. Man, what a mess I'm in. Advice appreciated on how to get myself out of this - its amazing that you can still love someone when they treat you so poorly.


          • #6
            No, it's not controlling to want your gf to stop throwing herself at and flirting with other men. If she had any respect for you or any love for you she would stop it. She cleay doesn't and clearly has no intention of stopping. So the answer you're looking for is WALK AWAY. If you don't it will just get worse. As for the daughter, I'm assuming she's old enough to decide if she wants to see you regardless of you not being with her disrespectful mother.

            Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 5th, 2019, 05:54 PM.
            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


            • #7
              OP, you donít love her.
              Nothing you have said comes from a place of love but rather addiction.
              And her actions are not those of someone who loves you.

              Get a lawyer or financial advisor and figure out how you can split the house.

              The daughter is her issue not yours. Even the father walked away from a toxic relationship with her mother.
              So donít pretend that you canít.
              His actions were reactions to her behaviour.


              • #8
                What matters is what you end up doing. So you can rant all you like here and ask for advice to make you feel better for a day but it's not going to change your situation if you aren't able to see your life without her. Your language doesn't suggest to me that you understood or learned anything in the entire time she's exhibited those behaviours. Nothing about you indicates any resolve or actual desire to move away from this situation at all. What actions have you taken aside from verbally telling her how wrong she is(and being ignored repeatedly)? I also think you are obsessed with her daughter. Talk to a therapist before you make any moves or try to figure out your obsession with this woman and her daughter or the idea of a family. I think you are overcompensating for the family you lost in your divorce.

                Don't assume that everyone knows the right thing to do. Sometimes the other person can't or won't for whatever reason. If it affects you that badly, it's up to you to do what you need to do. No one is going to roll out a red carpet for you down the hole that you dug yourself and hand you a rope. Start clawing your own way out and figuring out what you need to do to get better.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 5th, 2019, 05:26 PM.


                • #9
                  Turncoat04 Get your finances in order with a financial advisor as Maggie said. Hire professional financial consulting services since she is part homeowner to your real estate. You're obviously not happy with her so do something about it. Her daughter is not your responsibility. You need to make drastic changes in your life including parting ways with her permanently so you can heal and live a content, stress-free life.

                  Change the way you think. Think sensibly and be logical. Improve your lot in life by doing something about it. Don't be all words and no action.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


                  • #10
                    This is a complicated situation but you can simplify it by looking at the flags which are all over the place. This relationship is going downhill and it is just a matter of time before you know what. As advised walk away and cut your losses before you are drowning in more misery and problems, and prepare for the financial stuff. That is a hard lesson for some people I know, buying a house with someone and the relationship goes south. Save yourself.


                    • #11
                      Wow!!! everything you're going through now is exactly what i just went through. But only difference was with us was sexually chemistry was there. But everything else your going through was bang on with us. BUT you have to start thinking about yourself and what is best for you and i fucking absolutely 100% tell you is going to sting like a bitch but GET OUT now!!! I cant stress this enough. She will never change, not for you, not for anyone. She only cares about herself and herself only. She gave you sex to shut you up! I bet it made you feel great, didn't it!! but once she leaves your sight all those feelings of mistrust comes back and once you've lost the trust of someone you love, it will never come back. My ex and yes i said ex!! had a 18 yrs daughter, that i treat her like she was my own but she is not yours and that what stings the most for me is not seeing her everyday but it does get better with time. Trust me, I suffer from high anxiety from that relationship and now 2 months later i feel so much better. Trust me when i say this. Give her two weeks to find a place and kick her out. Do i miss my Ex, yep i sure do BUT do i miss everything she put me through. Hell no!!!! I wish you the best of luck. It's going to be tough but you'll be better in the long run....


                      • #12
                        Look, you have been going out with her long enough to know that this is who she is and that she's not going to change to align with your boundaries and restrictions so I have to ask you what the fuck is wrong with you that instead of just leaving her due to the major incompatibility, you start a thread about being upset that she won't change.


                        Get out now before she ends up pregnant and you're stuck with someone who drives you to anxious anxiety because YOU can't control or manipulate her into being how YOU want her to be.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


                        • #13
                          Adding to above:
                          She said to me once "you need to love and accept someone for who they are." I answered that I %100 agree but not if what that person is doing doesn't align with your values
                          Someone that was not codependently addicted to their partner like you apparently are would simply leave someone who they clearly knew did not align with his/her values.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


                          • #14
                            Thanks for all the advice everyone. I knew what I had to do, I just felt trapped. We are done. I spoke to her last night and ended things. I am away skiing for the next week with friends, which I think will help with the transition. Will suck for a while but as all of you have pointed out, it's what needed to happen. I just felt trapped financially and I had to come to the realization that money is not worth being miserable.


                            • #15
                              Well done. Now, hope you meet someone and have a hot fling while you're away skiing, just make sure you don't keep the fling going past your holiday. You need time to process the break up and work on your confidence so that you quickly leave someone who clearly does not have your same relationship boundaries.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!