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do I stay with my husband and not spend my time w a still-married man?

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  • #31
    My instinct keeps saying better to have the two parents together for this child. But what am I saying when my husbandís plan is to move multiple states away for the next 5 years for a training program that he could do here (not some notable job offer), and me following him would mean Iíd be working 2x as much for the same pay when the family obviously needs my salary? Isnít the baby going to be without him even if Iím ďwithĒ his father?

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    • #32
      Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
      My instinct keeps saying better to have the two parents together for this child. But what am I saying when my husbandís plan is to move multiple states away for the next 5 years for a training program that he could do here (not some notable job offer), and me following him would mean Iíd be working 2x as much for the same pay when the family obviously needs my salary? Isnít the baby going to be without him even if Iím ďwithĒ his father?
      You are looking for an excuse to end your marriage and start an affair with a married man.
      Stop pretending that you care about the unborn childís welfare and admit that you are selfish.

      You say youíd have to work harder to earn the same money but the reality is that a marriage break up will cost a lot more financially .
      Just quit your stupid bs excuses and go fĒ<k your married coworker already.
      And when he is done with you , be a single mum unable to work in your cushy job and rely on child support from your ex husband and the government. Good luck!

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      • #33
        Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
        Itís hard to be ďall intoĒ a marriage with someone who (in his words) would work absolutely nonstop if he could & selected me to force some balance into his life, who often isnít really present & then moved hours away for training that he actually isnít all that into & couldíve easily done here for only slightly lower quality. Leaves me feeling like so much of my life will be spent alone anyhow, so I need to have some emotional distance from him, & then clearly that isnít good to move a marriage forward either.
        It's time to stop thinking about yourself and think about your child. He/she needs two parents. I'm quite frankly sick of you making it all about YOU! You're just thinking about YOU, how everything affects YOU, and your not thinking about your child. Forget about you. You can get work anywhere and any decent parent would do that without question, so that is not really the problem here. Stop thinking about you and your needs for one minute and think about your child's needs. Where do you want it to grow up? Do you want it to have a relationship with its father? If so then you know what you have to do. Everyone here is telling you what you need to do but as usual you are not listening. Maggie is right, you are just looking for excuses to end your marriage. The only reason you want to stay in this job is because this married guy is there. You are the only one that will regret your actions in the future. Your child will resent you for breaking up his/family for nothing.
        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 21st, 2019, 04:14 AM.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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        • #34
          So now Iím reaching out to the only 2 remotely acceptable companies in this faraway city to see I can possibly get a decent job. Because itís clear that my husband expects me to follow him out there and stay there forever, he cites how he wants to be back near his family even though MY family is much closer to our current city and I leftTHEM to move to the current city for my husband ONCE already, and he says my family can all just move to this (super high COL) location if they want to be near me. Clearly thereís no compromising. His mom moved far out for his dad where she knew no one and basically raised the kids herself while Dad worked endlessly, so thatís probably where my husband is getting it from. Iím just going to have to give up my near-perfect job and the life Iíve built here because Iím truly out of options.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
            So now Iím reaching out to the only 2 remotely acceptable companies in this faraway city to see I can possibly get a decent job. Because itís clear that my husband expects me to follow him out there and stay there forever, he cites how he wants to be back near his family even though MY family is much closer to our current city and I leftTHEM to move to the current city for my husband ONCE already, and he says my family can all just move to this (super high COL) location if they want to be near me. Clearly thereís no compromising. His mom moved far out for his dad where she knew no one and basically raised the kids herself while Dad worked endlessly, so thatís probably where my husband is getting it from. Iím just going to have to give up my near-perfect job and the life Iíve built here because Iím truly out of options.

            Again you're making it all about YOU! Where does your child fit into all this? Your family should be paramount to any job and he/she is going to need both parents. The only reason you are not happy about leaving your current job is because your married man is there.
            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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            • #36
              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post


              Again you're making it all about YOU! Where does your child fit into all this? Your family should be paramount to any job and he/she is going to need both parents. The only reason you are not happy about leaving your current job is because your married man is there.
              So much wrong with this response I donít know where to begin.
              1. Is my husband not making it all about HIM by forcing his wife to move to a very expensive city where sheíll have to work twice as hard for the same salary (and cutting back really isnít an option when our living + child expenses will Be astronomical), and see the baby half as often, while heís busy taking on his 2 career choices and will be doing next to no parenting work himself? When he can easily accomplish his training goals around here?
              2. How is the above best for a baby?
              3. Even with my renewed job search today, Iím getting confirmation that my current job is very hard to beat in terms
              of benefits and, you know, actually doing the work I trained and worked so hard to be able to do. Iím a very accomplished professional but sure, Itís just about a guy...

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              • #37
                Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
                So much wrong with this response I donít know where to begin.
                1. Is my husband not making it all about HIM by forcing his wife to move to a very expensive city where sheíll have to work twice as hard for the same salary (and cutting back really isnít an option when our living + child expenses will Be astronomical), and see the baby half as often, while heís busy taking on his 2 career choices and will be doing next to no parenting work himself? When he can easily accomplish his training goals around here?
                2. How is the above best for a baby?
                3. Even with my renewed job search today, Iím getting confirmation that my current job is very hard to beat in terms
                of benefits and, you know, actually doing the work I trained and worked so hard to be able to do. Iím a very accomplished professional but sure, Itís just about a guy...
                Do you live a very extravagant lifestyle? Do you need luxury? Everyone has to cut back on some things at some point in their life. You learn to adapt. Yes, a child can be expensive but you can make it work. There is absolutely no reason you cant make it work. Why don't you tell your husband ALL of your concerns? Tell him you need him to be a more available father not just weekends here and there, that you refuse to be do a majority of it on your own. He has responsibilities now that he has to adhere to. I can guarantee that once he holds his baby in his arms he'll want to be there more.

                I know i sound like I'm giving you a really hard time about this and I'm sorry , but I'm really routing for you to do the right thing and i really don't want this married man to break up your family. I know if you stay for this guy it'll be a mistake and you'll end up getting hurt.
                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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                • #38
                  Hubby: definitely doesn't seem to be thinking about everyones best interest and seems fixated on what he wants/needs and expecting you (and child) to make compromises. Compromises go two ways. A pretty fundamental flaw that needs to be addressed if you're still considering being with him. But it seems that there are other fundamental issues in this relationship as well. Address them, don't ignore if you want to stay with him. Only agree to move if issues are resolved and you're sure that you want to stay with him. Otherwise, you are better off staying where you are and considering that he may not be the one.

                  You & Hubby: What do you feel deep down in your heart? Don't stay together just to be parents together. It wont be authentic and it wont be healthy for you or your child in the long run. I know plenty of people whose parents stayed together "just for the kids" and it didn't make the kids any better off to have two unhappy parents who were in fact together not for the kids, but because of their own fears of the unknown (starting new lives). As trite as it sounds, maybe a pros/cons list would help. Might help you identify things.

                  Friend: He seems lost. Tell him straight on what you've said here. Also, your decision to be with him (or anyone else for that matter, should not be made out of a desperation to escape or confusion. Be with a person because you want to be with him, because that person is what you want and need to have in your life. There might be one in a billion chance that this is the universes way of delivering "the perfect exit" to you, but the most likely probability is that his involvement in your personal life at this stage will only muddy the water.
                  Last edited by Lulub879; January 22nd, 2019, 09:30 PM.

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                  • #39
                    Thanks to all for the excellent advice. Now my husband is saying heíll delay going to X City so as not to be a lousy father and abandon the child. However- heís going to Y City instead, still 3 hours away so Iíd still see him only weekends for 5 years.
                    I still am not convinced heíll actually make himself present and not work on a million projects, but itís something. However- another major issue Iíve realized is that we have no spark. Even in the beginning heíd text me twice a week, see me once a week and there was never a passionate phase w great sex, canít get enough of each other, etc. always me feeling he was fitting me in to his work from the beginning and just not that chemistry. Now when Iím noticing it w someone else I thought ďitís just because my husband and I have known each other a few years now; there should be a way to get it back.Ē UNTIL I did an honest introspection and remembered even how I felt when things started... that it was never really there, I just thought he was a very nice guy.
                    We met online and were long distance the entire time until we got married (and first few months of being married).
                    I love and want the best for my husband but do not feel IN love and Iím kind of depressed worrying Iíll never feel that the rest of my life when Iím still so young.
                    Last edited by Gb83; January 24th, 2019, 11:36 AM.

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                    • #40
                      It still sounds like you are looking for excuses. He is willing to hold off and make an effort to be a good husband and father. That's really good news. I think you should at least try too for the sake of your child. You're not going to feel that spark spending so much time apart. You need to spend time together again to rekindle it. If it doesnt work out you can always come back.
                      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                        It still sounds like you are looking for excuses. He is willing to hold off and make an effort to be a good husband and father. That's really good news. I think you should at least try too for the sake of your child. You're not going to feel that spark spending so much time apart. You need to spend time together again to rekindle it. If it doesnt work out you can always come back.
                        youíre right. But I literally feel like Iíll be forcing myself. I feel trapped and like I want time to be free and independent again. I canít shake this feeling and itís what drove me to speak up and be honest w my husband about all this bc I cannot pretend and live a lie when itís not whatís in my heart
                        and Even with my husbands compromise we will see each other weekends only. Still mainly separate lives.

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
                          ... Even in the beginning heíd text me twice a week, see me once a week and there was never a passionate phase w great sex, canít get enough of each other, etc. always me feeling he was fitting me in to his work from the beginning and just not that chemistry. Now when Iím noticing it w someone else I thought ďitís just because my husband and I have known each other a few years now; there should be a way to get it back.Ē UNTIL I did an honest introspection and remembered even how I felt when things started... that it was never really there, I just thought he was a very nice guy.
                          We met online and were long distance the entire time until we got married (and first few months of being married).
                          I love and want the best for my husband but do not feel IN love and Iím kind of depressed worrying Iíll never feel that the rest of my life when Iím still so young.
                          Why did you get into a relationship with someone you didn't have deep love for and couldn't even live together with? You have to tell him all this and give him a last chance. I agree you need a man that you can deeply love, and he loves you back. That's normal. Tell husband all this and if he doesn't do something to turn it around you will always feel unloved. But I do think you can fall in love with your husband, but it's up to him to make it happen. If he can't or won't I agree you should find someone else. But you need to wait until after the baby is born and find how your husband responds to the baby and to you. Expecting a baby is not the time to make drastic life changes, emotions are hyped up.

                          Put your I-want-to-be-in-love feelings on hold for a year or two after the baby is born. If your husband hasn't changed, then think about ending the marriage and preparing to be a single mom with child. Assume your friend will not be around or will not leave his wife. He especially will not leave his wife if you have sex with him. You'll then need to date again but prepare to find very few men that want to date a woman with a child.

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                          • #43
                            You married a guy you barely knew. How long have you actually lived together?
                            You started off long distance and I guess he doesnít see an issue with continuing long distance because so far it ďworkedĒ?

                            Its great that he compromised. Whatís your compromise?

                            Was this baby planned , by both of you? Had you ever discussed with him the what if or when we have a baby topic??

                            And please stop thinking about these ďfeelingsĒ for the other guy.
                            He is a married sleaze preying on you only.

                            Again , like Dazed said , you are only thinking of you.
                            Think about the man YOU chose to marry and the man YOU chose to have a child with.

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                            • #44
                              No compromise w location bc Now he is back on City X, saying how Iím taking his ďone and only dreamĒ away from him if he canít do that training program. Problem is, I literally canít have a job in my specific field for which I trained a long time & love in that city or anywhere nearby, at least not w the current job market. So how about MY dream, and the fact that I donít want to replace my job with one w much longer hours and the stress of a new place when I also have to be the primary caregiver for our infant? Why does he still insist Iím the one breaking the family up by not following him?!! I always tell him heís free to do what he wants & go to city X if he really insists...

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                              • #45
                                Why did you guys get married when you didn't even know each other and didn't live anywhere near each other? I honestly don't know what to say anymore. If you want to be a proper family and want him to be a proper part of the baby's life then you will have to follow him. If you're OK with being a single parent (meaning you probably wouldn't be able to go back to your job anyway) then stay. Just don't stay purely for that other guy.
                                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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