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do I stay with my husband and not spend my time w a still-married man?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
    My job is honestly SO rare- wouldnít be able to have nearly this much time off for similar salary elsewhere, and the particulars of what I actually do while there, also rare. To replace it in one of the cities heís proposing, Iíd literally need a year of extra training first. That is why I donít want to go.
    MY husband is planning on having a stable job as well as entrepreneur- I think? He will at least make a minimal salary during the next 5 years of this training program. Then says heíll do the job for which he trained ďuntil one of my ventures hits.Ē I do worry about him spending $ out of own pocket on these high risk ventures once he has any at all (right now, w no salary, heís spent several thousand on patents etc). What sucks is just himhaving2 separate careers and being gone a ton of time

    Then put your foot down. He has responsibilities now. He cant get out of it, whether you stay married or not. But i strongly recommend you stay well away from your 'friend'. He wont be such a good 'friend' once he gets what he wants then goes back to his family.
    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
      So the best option is to either accept my husband moving everywhere and being long distance, or having to follow him knowing he intends for my career to take a backseat to his despite his hard Iíve worked/how successful I am?
      should I just settle for this marriage for what it is?
      Read what I said again. I didn't give you the two options you've stated above. I said, leave him if you're not happy. What is wrong with you? I also said if you choose to leave him, then dump your "friend" and stop relying on another woman's husband to be your support system. Accept his support during working hours only and then distance yourself from his flirting and the priming he's doing to get you to be his "filler" while he's not with his wife.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #18
        I donít mind being a ďfillerĒ if just as a friend- anyone in his long distance situation would be lonely. Iíve already made it clear I would never do anything physically w a married person. But I donít know if itís worth leaving my husband just bc he insists upon moving to a very expensive city when he doesnít have to, making me leave my hard-to-find job with lots of time off and >$200k salary, and making me start over again (likely 2 more moves) when I already moved for him once and just got settled in. I mean it would suck to either give up the career Iíve worked so hard for and sit at home while he chooses to pursue 2 different careers... or to stay put w my job and be hours apart... but is it really worth ending a marriage?

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
          I donít mind being a ďfillerĒ if just as a friend- anyone in his long distance situation would be lonely. Iíve already made it clear I would never do anything physically w a married person. But I donít know if itís worth leaving my husband just bc he insists upon moving to a very expensive city when he doesnít have to, making me leave my hard-to-find job with lots of time off and >$200k salary, and making me start over again (likely 2 more moves) when I already moved for him once and just got settled in. I mean it would suck to either give up the career Iíve worked so hard for and sit at home while he chooses to pursue 2 different careers... or to stay put w my job and be hours apart... but is it really worth ending a marriage?
          You should at least try for the sake of your child. And omg did you actually read what you wrote here? You don't mind being a filler? Are you for real? So you don't mind being used then left to be a single mum? Tell me, how do you plan on working in your perfect job when you have a baby and no support?
          Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 17th, 2019, 06:44 PM.
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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          • #20
            when he was reading my texts I couldnít imagine having to tell him yes, I did sleep w this person, both bc of hurting him and bc my husband does have good qualities and would I regret us ending and our family for our child not being intact?
            So did you sleep with him, or not? This sentence is unclear, and led me to believe that you already did sleep with him. Maybe you're just considering it, but in either case, you owe your husband the truth. You are having an emotional affair with the other guy, at the very least. You may claim is it just a "friendship", but it is obviously more if there is flirting and you are considering ditching your husband for this guy. You are already in an emotional affair, and it needs to stop right now. Don't justify continuing to communicate with this guy. He is not your friend. He is a man who is trying to bed you. Trying to groom you to be his other woman. Don't be so naÔve. He's not worth having to any woman. I feel sorry for his wife. She doesn't realize what a scoundrel he is. She is the victim here. You do (or should) realize it.

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            • #21
              I definitely haven't slept with him! I have hugged him like twice and they were literally the most minimal contact hugs EVER. Truly, I kept talking to this guy because every time we interact in person, I SWEAR my husband could watch every moment and sense nothing beyond platonic- we even talk about the office most of the time every time. So it actually became Super odd to me that my friend sends flirt-like texts because it is absolutely nothing like he is to me in real life. Now unfortunately my husband can read the texts but not be a fly on the wall in person. But I swear itís a total dichotomy and actually almost bizarre

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              • #22
                You need to leave that guy alone and concentrate on working on resolving your issues with your busband

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
                  I definitely haven't slept with him! I have hugged him like twice and they were literally the most minimal contact hugs EVER. Truly, I kept talking to this guy because every time we interact in person, I SWEAR my husband could watch every moment and sense nothing beyond platonic- we even talk about the office most of the time every time. So it actually became Super odd to me that my friend sends flirt-like texts because it is absolutely nothing like he is to me in real life. Now unfortunately my husband can read the texts but not be a fly on the wall in person. But I swear itís a total dichotomy and actually almost bizarre
                  There is NOTHING platonic between you and this guy.
                  I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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                  • #24
                    At this point the other guy doesnít matter; Iím just thinking about my husband & what to do. He has always been very kind & nice & mostly accommodating, aside from expecting me to follow after him now & for my career to take a ďbackseatĒ to his, which would mean giving up my lucrative job & starting Over in an expensive city with that stress plus a newborn, and having to work twice as many hours as I do now. If I could just accept being long distance except for most weekends for 5 years (I truly canít accept moving to this city bc losing a job I worked 10 years for would depress me), then the marriage should be able to continue, right? And yes he is a self proclaimed workaholic who says my role is to force balance into his life so he doesnít work 100% of the time, but he will comply and do most things I suggest when I come to him & be sweet about them. So maybe if I could accept long distance then I can just feel lucky for his good qualities and try to be happy

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                    • #25
                      Then you need to have an in depth discussion with him. Tell him everything you just said.
                      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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                      • #26
                        Why are you pretending this is about your career?
                        200k is not that lucrative and if you are so good at this niche job you will find another one elsewhere.

                        When your child is born , you will be on maternity leave and can live wherever in that time.
                        And when it comes to returning to work decide then?

                        Your original post was about trying to convince workmates and us that your friendship was platonic.
                        Just because this married guy hasnít pulled your pants down yet doesnít mean itís platonic. What would his wife think of his bikini suggestion when he takes you to the Bahamas. ?

                        Your career it sounds depends on whether you sleep with this guy or not.
                        Thats so bad that you canít even recognise it.
                        Prove your worth by doing a good job. And if you canít do that , then leave.

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          Why are you pretending this is about your career?
                          200k is not that lucrative and if you are so good at this niche job you will find another one elsewhere.

                          When your child is born , you will be on maternity leave and can live wherever in that time.
                          And when it comes to returning to work decide then?

                          Your original post was about trying to convince workmates and us that your friendship was platonic.
                          Just because this married guy hasnít pulled your pants down yet doesnít mean itís platonic. What would his wife think of his bikini suggestion when he takes you to the Bahamas. ?

                          Your career it sounds depends on whether you sleep with this guy or not.
                          Thats so bad that you canít even recognise it.
                          Prove your worth by doing a good job. And if you canít do that , then leave.
                          The part about job being dependent upon whether I sleep w him is most definitely NOT true. And yes- I am easily employable elsewhere but the rare part is having so much time off- other friends in this field across the country frequently confirm how lucky I am, and thatís what Iíd prefer when having a baby or actually just in general. Again, not an option for me to leave this job to follow my husband and itís insulting that he thinks my career will take a backseat IMO, Iím only considering if I should just stay married to him and go Long distance

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                          • #28
                            Gb83 If you're referring to survival, have nowhere to go and depend on your husband's income for yourself and the welfare of your unborn child and soon-to-be baby, then remain married to him, go long distance and work on improving your marriage. A roof over your head and food on the table comes first. Do whatever it takes to save your marriage and find love again with your husband. At least put forth the effort on both sides to hang on and welcome the new baby into the world of loving, devoted parents. Try.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                            • #29
                              Itís hard to be ďall intoĒ a marriage with someone who (in his words) would work absolutely nonstop if he could & selected me to force some balance into his life, who often isnít really present & then moved hours away for training that he actually isnít all that into & couldíve easily done here for only slightly lower quality. Leaves me feeling like so much of my life will be spent alone anyhow, so I need to have some emotional distance from him, & then clearly that isnít good to move a marriage forward either.

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                              • #30
                                Gb83 It's not all about your anymore. Think of the child, concentrate on caring for your newborn and motherhood. Give yourself time to think and don't make any rash decisions. Baby comes first.
                                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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