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Ignored me for years; I found someone else; now she wants me back

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  • Ignored me for years; I found someone else; now she wants me back

    This will seem like fiction. Although I am a writer and I've tried to make it read well, it is all true; I'm in pain and need genuine advice.

    We've been together 12 years. She's 46; I'm 58. She's conventional but open-minded. I'll call her Vieux. I'm a manic depressive artist and writer and a moderate risk taker. Vieux finds me fascinating; I enjoy her stability and common sense.

    We were mad love. A year later, I fell into deep depression. A year or two after that I started with psychiatrists; eventually one got me on the right meds. I've been balanced for about five years. I'm more clear-headed, happier, and more consistent than I have ever been. During my depression however, I hadn't been available to Vieux. She really worked at it but I couldn't respond. Her love waned but she kept going on loyalty. Her feelings did not return.

    Sex was down to a couple times a month, then it all but ended. The last two years before the incident this post is about, we had sex three times. We tried counseling but Vieux put in no effort. We still got along well, but our relationship had no heart. This past October, I quit waiting and went online looking for sex.

    I'm attractive, somewhat charismatic, and empathetic. I present as 10-20 years younger than I am; upon hearing my age people are visibly startled. Nevertheless, I had not cheated, though I had been online for a year or so looking at women and thinking about it.

    When I started seriously this fall, I looked for liaisons unlikely to lead to a relationship. A woman exactly half my age responded. I'll call her Jeune. I expected a diversion with no chance whatsoever of anything beyond sex. We texted. Within 15 minutes we were beyond sex. By two days later I was in love. We had not met face to face. For my part the attraction was based on my list of mandatory characteristics and attitudes: Jeune more than checked out. Later I learned that Jeune also had wanted nothing beyond sex but I had checked out on her list as well. Our age difference made the idea of a relationship beyond ridiculous, but there it was.

    Our first meeting was bizarre. Jeune had hurt her back; I drove to her apartment in the middle of the night with a heating pad. There was no light. The chemistry between us was like a movie. We had not seen each other but I was settled on her. When we met in light a few days later, Jeune looked nothing like her pictures. She was slovenly and dressed without regard to her appearance. She is more cautious than I and was testing me. She continued to test me with bluntness about her history and the difficult conditions of her life, but it mattered to me not at all.

    Like Vieux, Jeune finds me fascinating; her competence in practical matters amazes me. Jeune also responds to my empathy, which makes me feel valued in a way I never felt with Vieux. And so it went. We discussed the challenges before us and found we already felt commitments in ourselves to match those challenges.

    I told Vieux I was leaving. She responded practically and amicably with a plan for me to move out without serious disruption to either of our lives. Next day, however, I returned from Jeune's apartment to find a different woman. Vieux was desperate to have me back.

    My life was in the blender. I went back and forth and finally settled with Vieux again. That was mid November.

    Vieux is truly in love with me again. She's working hard to rebuild our relationship. We enjoy each other as we did at the beginning. I could not have asked for a better outcome. Problem is, I'm acting.

    The conflicts, differences, and challenges between Vieux and me stand out sharply to me. I struggle to find ways to say I love you without lying. I realize now that those last few months before I met Jeune I had given up on Vieux and said good-bye to our life together. I do not love Vieux any more. Now I'm facing decades of acting and life without mutual love. Plus I resent Vieux for breaking up a legitimate relationship I had begun with another woman.

    I stay with Vieux. I'm loyal and it's the reasonable thing to do. Returning to Jeune would be a terrible disruption and would crush Vieux. Since the problems between Vieux and me are no one else's business, it will appear I'm the classic old guy leaving his wife for a younger woman. I'll be judged and laughed at. And I have no guarantee it will work out.

    Jeune's last message to me left the door open. But except for a Christmas gift I sent to her daughter and Jeune's thank you text, I have had no contact with her. Nevertheless my feelings for Jeune are unchanged after two months apart. In my heart, I am on hold, waiting to return to her.

    Thank you so much for reading about my dilemma. I am very interested to hear your thoughts on what I should do and why.
    Last edited by Stunned; January 13th, 2019, 05:43 PM.

  • #2
    Stunned My thoughts are to forget about Jeune. Either concentrate on improving your relationship with Vieux or do her a favor and cut her loose. Hopefully over time Vieux will come around and both of you can rekindle your love for one another. If it looks hopeless, then it's time to part ways.

    Work on yourself. Be a better person and remain loyal to only one woman. Don't hop from one woman to the next and then back to the original woman.

    If you lose out on Jeune and / or Vieux, this is the time for your own soul searching and improving your loyalty, devotion and character to one woman at a time.

    The other option would be to take a long break from women. Know who you are, what you want, concentrate on your mental health's well-being, get healthy physically (not just mentally) and be the type of man a woman is attracted to. You need to make women feel secure with you if you want an enduring relationship with them. Don't make women feel so nervous because you're perceived as unreliable and unstable. No woman wants a man who is unstable because it makes them feel unsteady.

    I hope it works out for you.

    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Are you actually married to Vieux?

      Any kids?

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      • #4
        Stunned Why are you treating women like this? You are a horrible man. You cannot be with a woman you don't love and continue lying to her like that. What the hell is wrong with you? That's not fair to her at all. STOP being such a whinny coward and STOP stringing her along and be honest with her. You are such an asshole if you continue this with her and the longer you do the more it will hurt her. She didn't really ignore you for years either so your title is bullshit. I have no respect for a man who goes online looking for sex while in a relationship. That's disgusting. You gave her enough grief for a long time. It's time you start doing the right thing for a change.
        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 14th, 2019, 09:24 AM.

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        • #5
          “I stay with Vieux. I'm loyal “

          What? This week? Or until you have an opportunity to be disloyal?

          Why did YOU choose to have an affair and why did YOU choose to return to Vieux? And then complain about it?
          Vieux clearly has stuck with you and your non productive “writing skills” and Jeune realised your words are bs.

          Do you even work? Have a paying income?

          The only thing fascinating about you is your inflated sense of self.

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          • #6
            Please don't date or live with anyone. Keep working on you and finding peace. Neither of women are for you.
            Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 17th, 2019, 04:36 PM.

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