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  • Husband is a workaholic

    Hello everyone,
    I'm new here and the reason I joined is because I consider my relationship with my husband the moat important investment in my life and I want to share with people thoughts ideas and tips on relationships in general.
    My first post is going to be about something that has been bothering me. So my husband is a workaholic, he works as a French language teacher in a language school. He is crazy about work, he takes evening classes and some days both evening and morning classes. He spends too much time after the lessons with his students, explaining to them and answering their questions even after rhe time of the class has passed. So when he is home he is dead tired. I am really sad and lonely, he almoat never has enough energy for sex during the week and we usually have sex just once a week or once every other week.
    I don't know what to do and I don't want this to be how my life is like. He tries to book vacations for us and weekend gateways but I don't know am I am being too selfish wanting him to reduce his workload

  • #2
    Originally posted by queenmercredi View Post
    Hello everyone,
    I'm new here and the reason I joined is because I consider my relationship with my husband the moat important investment in my life and I want to share with people thoughts ideas and tips on relationships in general.
    My first post is going to be about something that has been bothering me. So my husband is a workaholic, he works as a French language teacher in a language school. He is crazy about work, he takes evening classes and some days both evening and morning classes. He spends too much time after the lessons with his students, explaining to them and answering their questions even after rhe time of the class has passed. So when he is home he is dead tired. I am really sad and lonely, he almoat never has enough energy for sex during the week and we usually have sex just once a week or once every other week.
    I don't know what to do and I don't want this to be how my life is like. He tries to book vacations for us and weekend gateways but I don't know am I am being too selfish wanting him to reduce his workload
    Itís not about reducing his workload , itís more about reducing his passion for his work.

    How many hours per week does he work? And how many hours does he get paid for?

    Why are you sad and lonely? Does your happiness depend on him returning at a time you think he should?
    Do you have friends and hobbies of your own?

    Do you work?

    Comment


    • #3
      Welcome to the club. My husband is a workaholic also, and it has taken a tremendous toll on our marriage. Some men do not prioritize their relationship, and it suffers the consequences. I would suggest negotiating with him a reasonable limit so that he is home at a decent hour most nights. Don't let this go, as it will cause you to become distant to each other, and you will become roommates instead of spouses. Ships passing in the night. You will find yourself building a life alone, which he has very little part of. Negotiate a timeframe you can both agree on for when he should be home, or how many nights a week he can work late, and negotiate a date night and times he should be spending to nurture the couple bond. If you let this go, you will find yourself alone and lonely in this marriage. If you can't reach a reasonable agreement on this, enlist the help of a marriage therapist to help negotiate a reasonable plan, and help him to see the importance of prioritizing the marriage. I tried to do this with my husband, but for him, his narcissism prevented him from considering my needs in the marriage. A reasonable person who is open to considering his spouse's needs would have a more positive outcome, you just need to communicate about it, or enlist the help of a counselor if he needs that extra input.

      Comment


      • #4
        queenmercredi I agree with Mary and Maggie. Also, delve into your own interests, hobbies, exercise, friends, entertainment, books, movies, family / relatives or whatever to occupy your time instead of only focusing on him. Have your own life outside concentrating on your husband. Healthy distractions and diversions are good for you. Do your own thing. Don't always only wait for your husband to be with you. Have your own life outside marriage.

        However, I agree with others regarding negotiating a compromise with your husband.

        Would it be possible to meet him for lunch or his break? It's better than nothing. Sometimes you have to squeeze in time together however way you two can figure this out.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          Sex once a week is pretty good you know. I get the feeling that you are resentful of him having a full and meaningful career. What do you do for a living? Have you discussed your issues with him?

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you all for your answers very helpful.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
              Sex once a week is pretty good you know. I get the feeling that you are resentful of him having a full and meaningful career. What do you do for a living? Have you discussed your issues with him?
              I also work and no I am not resentful. I just want him to give our relationship justice that's all.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by queenmercredi View Post

                I also work and no I am not resentful. I just want him to give our relationship justice that's all.
                Give your relationship justice?

                What does that mean to you?
                Surely supporting each otherís passions is a part of that?
                You didnít answer my question? How many hours per week does he get paid to work and how many hours of unpaid work does he do?

                If he is in a 40 hr per week job, but spends 45 hrs there, because he is passionate about his work, is that really non negotiable for you?
                If he is spending 60 hrs for 40 hrs paid work , then yes maybe thatís a minor issue?

                Are you passionate about your work? If a colleague asked you to stay back an hour to help with a work related issue even if unpaid , would you? If yes why? If no why?

                Often it depends on the nature of the work.

                My brother in law is self employed and works about 80 hrs per week. More sometimes. She supports him , she works part time in her career, has two teenage children and works for him 3 days per week to support his business.

                What is your issue here?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by queenmercredi View Post

                  I also work and no I am not resentful. I just want him to give our relationship justice that's all.
                  Then try being supportive and happy for him rather than complain.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                    Give your relationship justice?

                    What does that mean to you?
                    Surely supporting each otherís passions is a part of that?
                    You didnít answer my question? How many hours per week does he get paid to work and how many hours of unpaid work does he do?

                    If he is in a 40 hr per week job, but spends 45 hrs there, because he is passionate about his work, is that really non negotiable for you?
                    If he is spending 60 hrs for 40 hrs paid work , then yes maybe thatís a minor issue?

                    Are you passionate about your work? If a colleague asked you to stay back an hour to help with a work related issue even if unpaid , would you? If yes why? If no why?

                    Often it depends on the nature of the work.

                    My brother in law is self employed and works about 80 hrs per week. More sometimes. She supports him , she works part time in her career, has two teenage children and works for him 3 days per week to support his business.

                    What is your issue here?
                    I too work with my husband. The problem is that he takes on way too much work and is really not able to rest or take care of himself unless he is sick. We do not manage to have any kind of activities together because he is exhausting himself. I am worried that he is not interested in me anymore or that he will fall in love with someone else. My issue is that I am confused and want us to have a normal relationship.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

                      Then tamry being supportive and happy for him rather than complain.
                      I am suportive. I am not complaining to him.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by queenmercredi View Post

                        I too work with my husband. The problem is that he takes on way too much work and is really not able to rest or take care of himself unless he is sick. We do not manage to have any kind of activities together because he is exhausting himself. I am worried that he is not interested in me anymore or that he will fall in love with someone else. My issue is that I am confused and want us to have a normal relationship.
                        Exhausting himself how?
                        If you continue to ignore my questions then I canít possibly comment further.
                        I will ask again and for the third and last time, how many hours does he work per week?
                        How many do you?
                        Is he exhausted by work or by you? Sorry I have to wonder? Because you are exhausting me by your refusal to actually acknowledge my reasonable questions.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                          Exhausting himself how?
                          If you continue to ignore my questions then I canít possibly comment further.
                          I will ask again and for the third and last time, how many hours does he work per week?
                          How many do you?
                          Is he exhausted by work or by you? Sorry I have to wonder? Because you are exhausting me by your refusal to actually acknowledge my reasonable questions.
                          He works for 55 hours a week and he adds 11 hours extra so 66 and sometimes even 70 hours. I work about 30 hours a week sometimes more and sometimes less. His job involves a lot of speaking, he is a teacher and a lot of intellectual work as he also does a lot of writing. He is exhausted by work. I don't ask anything from him and I just try to create a relaxing environment at home. I just feel alone sometimes and I worry that he doesn't love me anymore.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by queenmercredi View Post

                            He works for 55 hours a week and he adds 11 hours extra so 66 and sometimes even 70 hours. I work about 30 hours a week sometimes more and sometimes less. His job involves a lot of speaking, he is a teacher and a lot of intellectual work as he also does a lot of writing. He is exhausted by work. I don't ask anything from him and I just try to create a relaxing environment at home. I just feel alone sometimes and I worry that he doesn't love me anymore.
                            Do you have children?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by queenmercredi View Post

                              I too work with my husband. The problem is that he takes on way too much work and is really not able to rest or take care of himself unless he is sick. We do not manage to have any kind of activities together because he is exhausting himself. I am worried that he is not interested in me anymore or that he will fall in love with someone else. My issue is that I am confused and want us to have a normal relationship.
                              Now this is just paranoia. Have you talked to him about this?

                              Comment

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