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Should I be worried about my girlfriend and her boss, or am I overthinking it?

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  • Should I be worried about my girlfriend and her boss, or am I overthinking it?

    Background: Me (34) Her (25) together for 6 months officially, have known each other for 5 years. Long distance at the moment but I am moving out to be with her in January.

    Hey everyone, I would appreciate some feedback on my current situation as its driving me nuts and i hate having fights with my girl about stuff like this especially if its due to me being insecure/jealous. So she just started a new job, shes been there for a month and her new boss is around 36 separated/divorced with a daughter. Her job consists of them meeting up at coffee shops/restaurants/cafes etc. to go over his website and new projects etc etc etc. So they have a lot of one on one time but also to be fair they have meetings with other people involved as well. So far so good...This is where I am a bit concerned, in a matter of only a month her boss has introduced her to his daughter and asked her to take photos of her(shes also a photographer), has stated he was going to buy her a $400 piece of equipment for her camera, he called her tonight asking her to leave her meeting she had doing a website with another coworker of hers to go pick up his daughter because he was running late. After she picked her up and dropped her off he called her to thank her and told her as a thank you he wanted to pay for her to get an acupuncture session.

    Let me clarify my girl would never do anything with this guy, and i truly 100% believe that. However, I think what he is doing is not professional and borderline hitting on her in a sense. The reason we get into fights from my pov is because she doesn't think what he is doing is flirtatious or inappropriate. I think she is a bit naive in the matter. I could understand if they knew each other for years and they had that type of friendship but in such a short time (1 month) does this behavior seem uncalled for? I hate that I have no one to talk to and my insecurities are eating me up about this stuff. Maybe I am overthinking this and letting my mind get the best of me, but the fact that I have no one to talk to about this because my girl is so stubborn and refuses to admit things (especially if shes wrong) I had no choice but to seek other alternatives for outside input. If i am being crazy please tell me. Part of me wants to just be like let him hit on her let him buy her things let him flirt who cares she would never do anything. But the other part of me is saying how disrespectful it is to treat someone elses GF like that (he knows we are together). The only thing she will admit is that there is a possibility he might catch feelings for her but it doesn't matter because she would shut it down and handle it if it ever got to that point. So, I suppose I am asking if I should just let it all go and trust she will handle it or should I expect her to set boundaries so it doesn't get to that point. Any input is appreciated thank you!

  • #2
    She seems young, yes. I also think it's a bit short-sighted to expect her to quit or turn her job situation upside down without more serious consideration. What other alternatives does she have? Often it's not the case that your partner doesn't see your point of view, he/she is unable to come up with an alternative or viable solution. You've brought up your concerns about her boss with your girlfriend (2nd paragraph, 1st line) but slighting her boss after one month's employment is not exactly a wise move. It may be necessary in the long run if things become uncomfortable but she owes it to herself to at least get a reference if she can or devise a way to respectfully decline certain jobs he asks her to do. It sounds like she is also his personal assistant. If that was in the job description (do you know?) picking his daughter up and possibly playing photographer really is part of what she's supposed to do. The acupuncture session may be out of context.

    And the context issue is what brings me to the next point. Your girlfriend may very well be naive enough to play personal assistant even though it's not in her job description but I am also reading that this means she's naive enough to misunderstand references and not only take them out of context but relay them to you out of context. The acupuncture session may be a goodwill gesture in context of something else or related to a job or project he has for her. I'm finding it also odd that your girlfriend would plant seeds in your mind that her boss might "catch feelings" for her (2nd paragraph, 2-3rd last line). If she is naive, I'm reading that she is also easily flattered and likes the attention. I think your eye should be on your girlfriend and not on her boss. If this is the woman you are moving and uprooting your life for, you'll want to make sure she's grounded in her understandings and able to put things in perspective without raising red flags in a relationship unnecessarily.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
      She seems young, yes. I also think it's a bit short-sighted to expect her to quit or turn her job situation upside down without more serious consideration. What other alternatives does she have? Often it's not the case that your partner doesn't see your point of view, he/she is unable to come up with an alternative or viable solution. You've brought up your concerns about her boss with your girlfriend (2nd paragraph, 1st line) but slighting her boss after one month's employment is not exactly a wise move. It may be necessary in the long run if things become uncomfortable but she owes it to herself to at least get a reference if she can or devise a way to respectfully decline certain jobs he asks her to do. It sounds like she is also his personal assistant. If that was in the job description (do you know?) picking his daughter up and possibly playing photographer really is part of what she's supposed to do. The acupuncture session may be out of context.

      And the context issue is what brings me to the next point. Your girlfriend may very well be naive enough to play personal assistant even though it's not in her job description but I am also reading that this means she's naive enough to misunderstand references and not only take them out of context but relay them to you out of context. The acupuncture session may be a goodwill gesture in context of something else or related to a job or project he has for her. I'm finding it also odd that your girlfriend would plant seeds in your mind that her boss might "catch feelings" for her (2nd paragraph, 2-3rd last line). If she is naive, I'm reading that she is also easily flattered and likes the attention. I think your eye should be on your girlfriend and not on her boss. If this is the woman you are moving and uprooting your life for, you'll want to make sure she's grounded in her understandings and able to put things in perspective without raising red flags in a relationship unnecessarily.
      Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it. I do no expect her to quit I apologize if thats the impression you got from what I said. Her job description is creative director, not personal assistant. Shes open to me about everything when guys hit on her or stuff with her boss, she hides nothing. In that regard i am blessed to have someone like that. The acupuncture thing was not out of context IMO she showed me the text from him. He was thankful for picking up his daughter and as a way of saying thank you he wanted to pay her for an acupuncture session. I am insecure about stuff like this because of a prior relationship that was very similar to this situation with an ex, but I DO NOT want that to be the reason i treat my gf poorly because of stuff from my past and my insecurities. I just wanted an opinion if my thoughts were warranted or just me being childish and immature. Again, thank you for your response.

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      • #4
        Your last questions: I'd suggest you let her handle it. You have already added your two cents and expressed your displeasure. I feel you are here on the forum asking whether you did the right thing or whether you think there is more for you to do. There is nothing more for you to do except to work through your feelings and think through carefully whether, in all the time you have spent together, you can trust this individual to make sound choices. If the answer continues to be no, do not move to be with her. Take your time getting to know each other more and postpone it for another six months or another year. You should be honest with her that you need more time to get to know each other and can spend holidays doing that.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          Your last questions: I'd suggest you let her handle it. You have already added your two cents and expressed your displeasure. I feel you are here on the forum asking whether you did the right thing or whether you think there is more for you to do. There is nothing more for you to do except to work through your feelings and think through carefully whether, in all the time you have spent together, you can trust this individual to make sound choices. If the answer continues to be no, do not move to be with her. Take your time getting to know each other more and postpone it for another six months or another year. You should be honest with her that you need more time to get to know each other and can spend holidays doing that.
          I trust her to make sound choices, she has never given me a reason to not trust her. She is amazing in that regard. Thank you for your feedback.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Sick View Post

            Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it. I do no expect her to quit I apologize if thats the impression you got from what I said. Her job description is creative director, not personal assistant. Shes open to me about everything when guys hit on her or stuff with her boss, she hides nothing. In that regard i am blessed to have someone like that. The acupuncture thing was not out of context IMO she showed me the text from him. He was thankful for picking up his daughter and as a way of saying thank you he wanted to pay her for an acupuncture session. I am insecure about stuff like this because of a prior relationship that was very similar to this situation with an ex, but I DO NOT want that to be the reason i treat my gf poorly because of stuff from my past and my insecurities. I just wanted an opinion if my thoughts were warranted or just me being childish and immature. Again, thank you for your response.
            All feelings are deserved, all fears are warranted. Unless there's some serious mental or chemical imbalance, I always advise individuals to listen to their fears and their innermost thoughts/gut feelings. They'll tell you all the answers you need. Maybe we need to process it all a little longer or talk it out but they are all warranted even if some fears and thoughts are excessive or a bit off. I don't think you should be so harsh on yourself or your girlfriend. In the end this is a job for her and she needs to eat and she needs to pay her rent and live so unless you have a better alternative (or she does), talking about how bad her boss might be will hurt her and it will also hurt you. I think if you encourage her and show her that she deserves better in terms of a creative director position, she will eventually grow from this position and move on. Show her that she is more than this. If her boss can afford a creative director, surely he can afford a nanny with a driver's license or a personal assistant. Her entire set up is kooky to me. Encourage her she can do better, get the reference and experience and move on.

            It sounds like you love and trust each other. Keep on remembering that part and push each other to greater things whatever it may be.

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            • #7
              Why acupuncture? I also think allot of it is in your head. Your paranoia is doing overtime. It doesn't really sound like he's hitting on her exactly but he does seem pretty reliant on her. And rose is right that she does seem to like the attention from him, but if you believe that she wont do anything then that's all that should matter.

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