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Girlfriend (of 2 yrs) consistently flirting with friend, what does this mean?

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  • Girlfriend (of 2 yrs) consistently flirting with friend, what does this mean?

    Background: (23 M) and girlfriend also 23, I am at university, she graduated in July of this year and is now working in the same city as our uni. We have been together just under 2 years now and we are going strong I am happy to say. However...

    Recently for a little over a month I have noticed that she would flirt with a friend of ours who we've known since the beginning of uni and is in our inner circle of friends, he is in fact one of my house mates. She is naturally quite a bubbly, friendly person but she definitely gives more attention to him than any of my other housemates despite them also being in the inner circle of friends which is what first caught my attention. Whenever they are around each other there seems to be a bit of a flirty atmosphere such as lingering eye contact, subtle touching such as her getting a eye lash from his face, she laughs at everything he says, I have heard her openly compliment him (not on his appearance), he tries to undermine me in front of her and only in front of her (completely respectful the rest of the time), there was an incident where a mutual friend left his dog at our house to look after for the day (she absolutely adores dogs and loves that i love animals too), my friend and her decided that they would take him for a walk and didn't say anything to anyone else in the house (was in the garden at the time) and was only when we came back in that we found that, that is what was about to happen, so we all decided to go, i was getting my coat from my room and bumped into her in the hall way and she seemed surprised in a sort of "Oh damn its not just going to be the two of us" kind of way. He was being extra affectionate with the dog in front of her, way more than I had ever seen him with any other dog. We also like to talk about our dreams if we remember them just briefly when we wake up next to each other sometimes and she specifically mentioned her being in a bar with him chatting and then goes on to go salsa dancing with someone but she didn't know who, I know it's just a dream but we've all had dreams of people we think about often and in that kind of setting with all the context it got my attention. Also i don't think she does this purposefully but sometimes when we are around other guys / the friend she won't be quite as receptive with me as if she is subtly giving me the cold shoulder.

    Also earlier this year in March my gf and I had an argument. We went out the same night and they were dancing together (nothing sexual and not for too long) with me right there, although he completely lead it and he was on MDMA which produces effects of enhanced friendliness and affection. She then commented the next day during conversation saying that he lead us around the venue most of the night and that she "didn't mind" said thoughtfully.

    Just to clarify I don't think in anyway that anything would come of this, i trust and love her, i also trust him so I am not worried by this at all but it is the consistency / frequency that these small acts happen that irk me a little. It makes me wonder why it's happening, is it something i have done or not doing, does she actually fancy him a little, does she want to make me jealous, is it just a little ego boost, does she realise i notice or not. I kind of want to talk to her about it but right now it doesn't bother me enough otherwise I would, it would also be awkward and i don't want to make things awkward between them, finally i have even thought about phrasing it in the classic "My friend has a problem" as subtly as I can so i can get her opinion on the matter. With her opinion I can gauge the situation a bit better and if she realises that I'm actually talking about her and myself then perhaps she will take the hint and act upon it while still giving me complete deniability / save face if it turns out that the whole situation means nothing saving everyone from any awkwardness. Or i can ask you lovely people for some enlightenment

    Any wisdom would be appreciated!

  • #2
    The problem with your situation is that you don't have any examples of an interaction between them that isn't open for interpretation.

    It's hard for me to tell whether you're just insecure and jealous and projecting that on your gf and your friend, or whether she's actually crossing boundaries. Like I said, it's all open for interpretation.
    What is 'lingering eyecontact'. Is that really what's going on, or have you happened to notice them looking in the same direction and jumped to conclusions.
    Does your friend really try to undermine you to get her attention, or is joking around among friends just something you all do all the time?
    Did you really catch a glance from your gf when you came along to walk the dog, or did you just project it onto her because you're already insecure about their friendship?

    To get to the bottom of this, you need to really ask yourself, objectively, whether you're just being overly sensitive and reading into things that aren't there, or whether she's actually being inappropriate.
    Have you had issues with insecurity or jealousy in the past, in other relationships? Have you suspected your past gf's of flirting or cheating when they weren't doing anything wrong? If so, there could be a pattern.
    If you can honestly say without a doubt that you're being objective about this, then I suggest you do talk to your gf about this.
    But don't go about it by making up stories about 'friends who have problems'. That's childish and no longer fitting in mature relationships between 23 year olds. If you can't communicate straight up with your gf after 2 years, then you have bigger problems than a bit of flirting.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      Well it clearly bothers you enough to come and seek advice here. You need to be honest with them. Talk to your friend alone and tell him that his and her over friendliness with each other is making you a little uncomfortable and quite frankly you feel pushed out by them. Or tell your girlfriend this. Stop driving yourself crazy speculating.
      Last edited by Dazed & Confused; December 6th, 2018, 05:31 AM.

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      • #4
        I agree with D&C. It bothers you and it would bother me too. I think most people would be lying to themselves if they don't face those feelings of discomfort or are in denial that those instances are inappropriate. She spends a lot of time with this male friend of yours and to me, that is inappropriate. If it feels inappropriate, it's enough reason.

        How I read her: She's young and testing her limits in a relationship and with you. She's also footing the line and possibly excited at the thrill of being around a lot of your male friends or young men in general. This isn't exactly wrong for a young lady or someone immature or new/growing. What is wrong is the way that she negates the fact that she is in a committed relationship with you and is inappropriately testing those limits simultaneously. I wouldn't stand for that behaviour and I'd end the relationship. She should be thinking about what she wants and better boundaries. You are under no obligation to stick around while she thinks through it.

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        • #5
          This would bother me a lot personally. Don't be swayed into believing you're insecure, I think you're feelings are completely valid based on what you described above. I would definitely have a talk with her, but be careful not to accuse her of anything. i.e., of cheating or having a crush on your roommate. Maybe just talk to her about how friendly she's been towards him in particular and let her know it bothers you. This might be something you need to set boundaries about too. Just to be clear, I'm not saying you should tell her how much and what kind of interaction she is allowed to have with your roommate, but you should tell her what does and does not make you uncomfortable. i.e., what exchanges you noticed between them that made you uncomfortable and why they made you feel uncomfortable.

          I do think Rose made some good points about her being young and just wanting to kind of test boundaries. It's not really wrong but it's not really okay either when she is in a committed relationship with you. If she wants to test boundaries and date other men, she should have the decency to break things off with you first.

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