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Complicated from the beginning

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  • Complicated from the beginning

    My partner and I had a rough start. We were both toying with each other like cat and mouse, and growing closer every day.
    This toying lead to insecurity in me and jealousy/suspicion in him (initially there as baggage from previous relationship).

    He's an American military war veteran, served in Afghanistan, with resulting PTSD. He has used sex and alcohol to cope. Also physical activity and wild adventures. He also had a difficult childhood. I helped him through many hurdles, forgave him for struggling to cope and making bad decisions. I was madly in love and wanted to be with him more then anything. His future vision became mine, even tho I could tell it was not realistic most of it.

    Adventures aside, we had an amazing time together. So much fun and so much growth. He really made me test my limits. I may have been unclear with myself on where my boundaries go, thinking he'd leave me if I told him. I'd be just another boring chick he ditched, which is probably why I developed a mentality of "I'm not good enough as just me."

    I've been a serial relationshipist since middle School. I never realized until my partner called me out on it. Accepting that and realizing I need to work on my approach to relationships helped me grow a lot, but also caused a lot of anxiety for me with him in the mix. He always had one foot out the door. And when I felt uncertain in a relationship, my go to was other guys.

    He wanted back in the military when I met him. That was his education and career. He hadn't been able to see it through due to being unhonorably discharged because of a DUI. He has given up on that now because of a second DUI, and is finally planning on coming to be with me.

    I was so happy. Everything was gonna work out! Through hurdles of the long distance relationship, having a break (and sleeping with others), being dishonest of what was going on in our lives, finally being (painfully) honest, we found ourselves properly communicating again.

    The one thing we could not agree on was sex. I've had some vaginal issues due to a contrastive spiral gone wrong. Due to his size, sex could be painfull. He would often want to skip any kind of foreplay and I let it happen because I just wanted him to be pleased. In the end sex was less frequent because neither of us enjoyed it. Me because I didn't feel safe (he could be rough) and he because when asked to go easy he'd lose interest, and because he could tell I didn't enjoy it. How would sex play out now that I voice my feelings?

    Now it seems we found each other again, long distance. But my uncertainty that he will not respect my feelings or honor my wishes, because I didn't really voice them before in a constructive way. I'm back at thinking I'm not good enough for him in most aspects. Or that we're not right for each other. But behind those thoughts is fear and self doubt. We have a complicated history, and complex life situations. I keep sowing doubt and showing my insecurities in our conversations, making us both unhappy. But I can't help the way I feel.

    How do I handle this situation? I'm going to see him in January. What can I do to find out if this is going to work?


  • #2
    You are definitely not right for each other. No man should make a woman feel like they're not good enough and you should never change who you are for a man. He needs to love you for the real you, not for who you pretend to be for him. That's no way to live. You both have so many clashing issues and even though you did the right thing by voicing your concerns, nothing has really improved or changed. You running off and sleeping with other guys is only going to make you feel worse. You wouldn't feel the need to cheat if you were OK with your relationship. Did he have councling for his ptsd? I suggest you both go to councelling together and work through this. If you carry on as you are both going to end up resenting each other.

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    • #3
      Feelinglost90 It's not going to work. He doesn't respect you. Whenever there's lack of respect, the relationship is dead. Relationships don't survive when respect is non-existent.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        Remember you ALWAYS come first! Don't think that you aren't enough for him, maybe you're just not meant to be. You seem like a very sweet and kind-hearted person so don't ask yourself if you're right for him, ask yourself if he's right for you.

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        • #5
          Hey there! As someone who's husband is also in the military and have dealt with miscommunication and sexual discontentment, let me tell you it can work out. HOWEVER, both parties have to be willing to make it work, and from your post, I get the feeling your boyfriend is not. There are a lot of problems and issues that have to be addressed in relationship. If every time you voice concern about your true feelings, it is met with discontentment, anger, frustration, etc. that points to a lack of maturity on their part. Have you considered going to counseling? Either together or individually to address this? (Also, have you seen a pelvis floor specialist to help with the sexual issues? It could greatly help. I refer my clients to a local specialist frequently.) You seem, to me at least, to be putting in a lot more into this relationship than he is. If he's not right for you, don't be afraid to let go just because of the time you've already put in with him. That will only make you more miserable.

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