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Is he 100% committed?!

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  • Is he 100% committed?!

    Hello Everyone!

    I am really needing advice on my current situation.

    I have been dating a guy for over a year now. We conceived a baby a month after meeting. Very stupid mistake on my part and i take full responsibility. Well he and I had a rocky past year and he would never fully commit. Meaning he wouldn't make me his girlfriend. We still communicated every day and spent time together BUT the month before our daughter was born he disappeared. I gave birth by myself. He did show up to the hospital the next morning and since then he has been an AMAZING father. Well recently (beginning of Oct) he FINALLY decided he wanted to committ and be a family .. but our rship is still kind of odd to me.

    While i was pregnant he would never take me out places .. he never introduced me to his family or his kids but his family knew of me because he told them i was pregnant as soon as we found out. Well now that we are officially together he has made attempts to introduce me to his kids and he takes me out all the time now .. he has really started to step up .. he has bonded with my other children and is amazing with them! Problem is .. im now having a hard time trusting him and wanting to be with him. I am pretty hurt by how he treated me the entire time i was pregnant. Not only that reason but for some reason he still hasnt introduced me to his family even though i know for sure he discusses me with them. I bring it up at least once a week and he kind of blows it off. He did tell me that his family was a big part of the reason his last rship failed. So im not sure if he is trying to protect me or if there is another reason. When his family comes in town he will pick up our daughter to take to his family for them to see her but never asks me to join.

    Recently we made the decision to move in together but before we do I want to make sure my heart really wants to be with him .. Does it seem like he is fully committed? Or should i be concerned?

    I've also told him i want to get married. I feel like if he is truly committed, loves me the way he says and wants to be a family then what is the hold up on getting married. We didn't wait to bring a baby into the world so why wait to get married. Am i wrong for feeling like this?

    Please give me advice on my situation.

    Thanks!

  • #2
    He is obviously NOT 100% committed to you. If he were, he would be showing off you and his new baby to the family when they come into town. I can't imagine why you would tolerate that disrespect, and I certainly would not move in with him until he explains why he doesn't want you to meet his family.

    Since they are your child's grandparents, you have a perfect right to send them some pictures of you and the baby and start a correspondence with them. If he objects to that, there's a huge red flag there that needs to be sorted out.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      You've only known the man for a year. He would be a fool to commit to you and you would be a fool to commit to him. You both come from fractured families and have a gaggle of children who don't get to live with both parents.

      Why is he no longer with the mother of his children? And why are you not with the father of your children?

      Have either of you learned from those broken relationships?

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      • #4
        I'm no longer with my ex because their dad is in the military. He decided to join and tell me 6 months after he enlisted. That ended our rship. I was not going to live a life i didnt sign up for .. to me he was the one ruined our family not me. So it isnt my fault my other children are not in a 2 parent household POLLEN.

        As far as him and his ex .. she cheated on him and he left her.

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        • #5
          Also Pollen, I am stressing marriage with him because im trying to prevent having another broken family. I have definitely learned. Like i said, i take FULL responsibility for having unprotected sex early with him and im trying to work through everything to be a family.

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          • #6
            MsAries2018 Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

            If I were you, I'd stop dredging up the past with your boyfriend. He was unkind to your during your pregnancy and there's nothing you can do about the past. What's done is done and it's history.

            Some men (or people) are not the one to admit mistakes or wrongdoing, don't realize they made mistakes, won't apologize nor should you wait for an apology that is never forthcoming. Some people or many people change once they become parents; literally overnight or it'll take time. In your boyfriend's case, it looks like he suddenly had a change of heart for his daughter and wants to be a family with you. He's protective of both of you and wants to start fresh with you. Allow him to grow up and mature with you in his relationship with you and as a new father. Don't squash him. Give him a chance to make it right with you and his new little family.

            I wouldn't say he's completely committed but it sounds like he's putting forth the effort to make amends with you by moving in together, introduce you to his family, proudly shows off his new baby girl to his relatives and the like. I think you need to give him credit for at least trying his best at this point. He's already showing some commitment by not abandoning you, he moved in with you unlike millions of deadbeat dads out there.

            For now, try not to over think this and focus on raising your daughter. Since you're living with him, take it day by day, be a peaceful person, hope for the best and see where time takes you. A lot of couples get married after the baby's born. Be easy to live with and easy to get along with if you have marriage in mind because you're showing him how it will be when and if he marries you someday. If you pick fights with him by bringing up the past during your pregnancy, you're going to make him feel bitter and he'll want to run away from you. Don't chase him away. Be kind. Be careful.


            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              CHANELLE,

              THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR RESPONDING!! You basically comfirmed everything i have been feeling..I've just been trying to find the negative in our situation, which is what he tells me all the time. It's like im trying to find a reason to stay mad at him when all he has been doing since i had our daughter, is show me he is now trying. I agree i do not feel he is 100% committed either, even though he claims to be. I do think he is working to get there though. We conceived a baby without knowing one another and i know its going to take time for him to fully trust that im the one for him.

              Thanks so much for taking the time to reply! You just made me feel so much better!!

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              • #8
                Originally posted by MsAries2018 View Post
                ...I'm no longer with my ex because their dad is in the military. He decided to join and tell me 6 months after he enlisted. That ended our rship. I was not going to live a life i didnt sign up for .. to me he was the one ruined our family not me. So it isnt my fault my other children are not in a 2 parent household POLLEN......
                I'm really sorry that happened to your family. A man in a healthy happy marriage doesn't secretly enlist in the military and abandon his family. He's responsible for that, but you must have had some idea why he was so unhappy and what was not working in the relationship. Are you doing things differently with your current man to prevent a repeat? Like waiting until you know him better before "committing" or pushing him toward marriage before he's ready?

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                • #9
                  POLLON to be honest i done nothing wrong in my 1st rship. He took it upon himself to enlist because he wanted better for HIMSELF. He didn't have the best job or foundation for our family. He thought going to military would do so, but it ruined everything. I never pressured my ex into marriage. I had known my ex 4 almost 5 years before we comceived our first.
                  My current rship i have admitted numerous times was not the right way to go about things. Everyone makes mistakes and i did with my current rship.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MsAries2018 View Post
                    POLLON to be honest i done nothing wrong in my 1st rship. He took it upon himself to enlist because he wanted better for HIMSELF. He didn't have the best job or foundation for our family. He thought going to military would do so, but it ruined everything. I never pressured my ex into marriage. I had known my ex 4 almost 5 years before we comceived our first.
                    My current rship i have admitted numerous times was not the right way to go about things. Everyone makes mistakes and i did with my current rship.
                    I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm just trying to get you to ask yourself some hard questions. You admit that the parent of your first children didn't have the best job or foundation for your family. Nonetheless, you decided to have children with him anyway. If your daughter came to you and said, "..I've been dating a guy for four years with a bad job and a poor foundation for a family, should I have children with him?.." What would you advise her to do?

                    You simply cannot avoid all of the blame for what happened. You chose poorly. If you don't recognize your mistakes (other that unprotected sex) it's hard to avoid making them again.

                    Now here you are rushing a relationship with someone you don't really know. Does he have the foundation for a family?

                    I'm suggesting you go slowly. Be kind and caring toward him. However, keep your eyes open for the whether he's really husband and father material. And wait until you see that he is an honest man and whether having his family in your life and the lives of your children is something that is good for you and your children.

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                    • #11


                      MsAries2018 You're very welcome. Even though you resent how he treated you during your pregnancy, don't live in the past anymore. Live in the present, make the best of the situation and be easy to get along with because you will be demonstrating what type of wife you will be for him. You certainly do not want to make him scared of you and flee. Try to think positive for your daughter's sake and for the good of the whole to have a harmonious household. Remain calm, kind, respectful, considerate and good. Be patient and try to be nice. Give him credit where due because he is trying to be a good man, a good person. He's trying to be a decent human being and do the right thing especially as a father figure in your daughter's life. He's not quite 100% committed but he didn't abandon you either. For some men, they have to take baby steps in order to work towards commitment. Take it one day at a time.
                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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