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  • My kids hate my girlfriend

    I am divorced and have 2 girls aged 12 and 16. I have a girlfriend who I have been seeing exclusively for about a year. She also has 2 girls. My gf and I are well matched and we have fun together, but my girls literally hate her. My younger daughter started acting out months ago whenever we all went out together. My gf ignored the acting out for a while, but eventually she started calling her out when she was being rude. Then my older daughter started yelling because she thought my gf was being mean to her little sister. I used to have my girls half of the time but the last several weeks they have been with their mother because every time I see my girls they start yelling and acting crazy so they end up going to their mom's house. I do not feel that my gf is being mean to anyone. She is strict with her own kids and is honest and confronts my girls when they are misbehaving. We have talked about breaking up many times. When my girls are not around everything is great. Compounding the problem is that my ex wife sides with the girls and does not support me at all. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

  • #2
    It's not your girlfriend's place to correct your daughters. It's YOUR place to do so.

    If your daughter acts up at a restaurant, you need to take her in hand and be the parent. If they are treating your gf poorly, it's YOUR place to set them straight and not tolerate that behavior.

    It sounds to me like your daughters need to have a little more discipline, but from you, not your girlfriend.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Children aren't stupid, OP. If they don't feel right about something, their reactions are often unfiltered. That's the beauty about them. They may not always be right and limited in scope but their reactions should be telling you something. I'm not entirely sold that everything is as peaceful with your gf or that your families meld that well. Your first duty as a father is to your children so be a father to them and guide them, be there for them. They may be very irritated with you or the situation and you are just not aware.

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      • #4
        How would you describe your relationship with your daughters BEFORE you got involved with your girlfriend? And how were you and your ex-wife working together in parenting your daughters?

        Sarah is correct that it is your job to correct and discipline your daughters. How did you handle their rude treatment of your gf?
        Last edited by Pollon; November 9th, 2018, 01:23 PM.

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        • #5
          Yes, please tell us about you and your daughters and lets leave your girlfriend to the side for the moment.

          At this point, before you answer the questions posed, I will say that I think the fact that you are seeing your children less because of all this is incredibly unfair to them. How long have you and their mother been divorced?
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            My relationship with my daughters before the gf was not great. My older daughter was angry at me and blamed me for the divorce. I was the one who left. My ex wife made me out to be a villain and has not cooperated with me in raising the girls. The divorce dragged on for over 4 years. When we were together, my ex and I were not strict parents. We did not do a good job setting limits. My ex was concerned that our oldest daughter might have bipolor disorder and did not want to have too much conflict. My oldest daughter does have depression which she takes medication for and is very moody and can have explosive anger with yelling and cursing. When I started dating current gf I became stricter with the girls and went over a set of rules for them to follow. I developed these rules with my ex and gave her a copy. The girls blamed my gf for me being stricter and they didn't like it and were resentful. I have responded to the girls being rude by grounding them, sending them to their rooms, taking their phone away, things like that. My gf responds to the girls being rude to her. My younger daughter was making up stories about my gf's daughters doing mean things to her. None of it was true. Since then my gf has not liked my youngest daughter very much. I do not like the way that my girls have been acting. They yell at me. My oldest one says she hates me and says FU to me. They are totally disrespectful to me, my gf and her kids. I always invited my girls to come out with us when we went out but they chose to stay at home. I feel like if i break up with my gf then I am rewarding bad behavior.

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            • #7
              I think that the problem with your girls has little to do with your new girlfriend. The problem stems from years of leniency when you were married and letting them get away with stuff because you felt guilty about the bad marriage, which is often the case.

              A teenage girl who screams FU to her father is in desperate need of professional help. I recommend you get both of them referred to a child psychologist who can help you get back some control over their emotions and behavior. As for the girlfriend, I would not put up with a man who disliked my children. But that's your call.
              Last edited by SarahLancaster; November 9th, 2018, 03:54 PM.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                Yes, please tell us about you and your daughters and lets leave your girlfriend to the side for the moment.

                At this point, before you answer the questions posed, I will say that I think the fact that you are seeing your children less because of all this is incredibly unfair to them. How long have you and their mother been divorced?
                I would like to see my children more, but the last 3 times I saw them they ended up going to their mother's house because one or both of them was screaming and yelling at me. I am sick of being yelled at. They both are holding a grudge against me for the divorce. I have told them I am sorry and that they need to forgive me and move on if we are going to have a relationship.

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                • #9
                  Sounds to me like your daughters are very heavily influenced by their mother. Maybe she's the one that needs to be confronted. She sounds bitter. She is likely encouraging them to hate your gf and also on some level against you too. As Sarah said, why the hell do you sit back and do nothing? Why is your gf confronting them and not you? Maybe you've been far too soft on them for too long.
                  Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 9th, 2018, 04:10 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by tacobill69 View Post

                    I would like to see my children more, but the last 3 times I saw them they ended up going to their mother's house because one or both of them was screaming and yelling at me. I am sick of being yelled at. They both are holding a grudge against me for the divorce. I have told them I am sorry and that they need to forgive me and move on if we are going to have a relationship.
                    Did they scream and yell at you before your (meddling?) new girlfriend came into the picture?
                    How long were you divorced before the new girlfriend came into the picture?
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                      Sounds to me like your daughters are very heavily influenced by their mother. Maybe she's the one that needs to be confronted. She sounds bitter. She is likely encouraging them to hate your gf and also on some level against you too. As Sarah said, why the hell do you sit back and do nothing? Why is your gf confronting them and not you? Maybe you've been far too soft on them for too long.
                      I do confront the girls. Alot of the complaints of the girls are that my gf is being mean and I tell them this is not so and naturally my gf is there to defend herself. I have punished them in the past by grounding them, taking their phones, and making them go to their room. Yes I was too soft on them for too long and my ex wife has poisoned their minds against me. I don't think it is strict at their mom's house so they like it better there.Also my youngest daughter was adopted from china when she was 2 and may have some attachment issues. And when my ex was dating my youngest daughter acted out in an effort to break up my exwife's relationships and in fact she ended 2 relationships for my exwife.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by tacobill69 View Post

                        I do confront the girls. Alot of the complaints of the girls are that my gf is being mean and I tell them this is not so and naturally my gf is there to defend herself. I have punished them in the past by grounding them, taking their phones, and making them go to their room. Yes I was too soft on them for too long and my ex wife has poisoned their minds against me. I don't think it is strict at their mom's house so they like it better there.Also my youngest daughter was adopted from china when she was 2 and may have some attachment issues. And when my ex was dating my youngest daughter acted out in an effort to break up my exwife's relationships and in fact she ended 2 relationships for my exwife.
                        Then don't you think it's time you all went to family counselling? Your girls are hurting and neither you or your wife know how to handle that hurt.

                        Was your new relationship the result of an affair? I've asked how long you were divorced before going out with your new g/f twice now and you've yet to answer.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                        • #13
                          I feel for you taco, I really do. I was the new gf 15 yrs ago and was terrified my husbands his son wouldn't like me. I'm lucky that we did get on, but it got better as he got older. Maybe as the girls mature more they'll be more understanding on the circumstances. They are young and very resentful right now. They can't accept that you and their mother aren't together anymore. I think in time things may settle when they realise you are your gf are staying together.
                          Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 9th, 2018, 05:36 PM.

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                          • #14
                            I totally agree with D&C. Time is a great healer of hurt. They'll eventually understand that sometimes marriages just don't work out. In the meantime, though, I would definitely try to get them some professional counseling.
                            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                            • #15

                              Was your new relationship the result of an affair? I've asked how long you were divorced before going out with your new g/f twice now and you've yet to answer.
                              New relationship not result of affair. Gf is 3rd relationship since separating. They hated gf 1 because I left their mom for her. They liked gf 2. They hate gf 3. I was separated for over 4 years before finally getting divorced. My mom has suggested counseling but I don't know if it will help since my ex wont cooperate with me

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