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  • I have an Insecurity problem -- Looking for a little help

    Hey everyone,

    I was wondering if you guys could help me out with something.

    So, I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 30. She's such a great person. I've never been this happy, or found someone that's made me this happy ever. I've mostly had hookups and short flings that didn't mean a thing, so she's my first legit real girlfriend. We've been together for about four months, and we're already at the "I love you" part (too soon?), and we enjoy each other so much, and I mean in every way. We click tremendously, have fun with each other, and our sex life is pretty damn amazing.

    But here's the problem, I've never felt a love like this before, and my girl is a very personable person. She's very outgoing and gets along with everyone. And sometimes, I get jealous. Not to the point where I pull her away, forbid her to talk this person, etc. I could never be that guy. It's just not in my nature to be that controlling, or possessive. I just have this insecurity that she's going to find a guy more outgoing than me, or more interesting than me, or gets along with her family better than me, and I might end up losing her.

    For example, we work at the same place, and at least to me, it looked like she was flirting with this co-worker who's Italian just like her, and I just shut down on her for a while, and didn't bring it up until we left work. She didn't see it as flirting, but we had a talk, and we both apologized and stuff. The other night, we went out with my best friend of 14 years because she wanted to meet him. Be a part of my life, and etc. since I know nearly everybody in her family at this point. They started getting along... well. I guess, maybe too well? They started ganging up on me and joking. Even though I knew it was all in good fun, it was kinda getting on my nerves. He started pointing things out about me that even she agreed on with him a lot. She does this funny thing with her voice where she imitates an old lady, and he did the same thing, and it went on for a while. Before I knew it, they were laughing and getting along so well, and I was just sitting there eating and drinking my drink. He's smarter than me, and has a strong personality that she low-key wants me to have here and there. He seems like the guy her family would enjoy a lot more than me.

    I hope you guys don't judge me on this next part, but I had this dream the other night that I, for some weird reason, brought him over to her house to one of her family get togethers, and they were getting along better than I did with them. His personality seemed to fit theirs better. It turned into a full on roast and jokes on me, and I just left.

    I know she can't help it because she's the kind of girl who's just friendly and gets along well with everybody. She tells me on a number of occasions that she loves me, wants to have a future with me, and I'm the first guy to make her feel this way. I'm just afraid my jealous and insecurity will drive her away.

    Has anybody else had this sort of problem? Some advice would be helpful. I love this girl a lot. I can't talk to her about it without coming off incredibly jealous and insecure.

    Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by Other Paw; November 9th, 2018, 01:40 AM.

  • #2
    You are reading way too much into this. You are too overly paranoid when you have nothing to worry about. Everyone gets a little paranoid when they are in a great relationship but you are even more so. She is getting on well with your friends which is a good thing. Would you rather her hate them and have her cause issues for you about seeing them? No. The girl loves YOU and wants a future with YOU! That's all you need to know. You got a wonderful thing here. Let go of this insecurity because if you keep going like this you WILL drive her away.

    Comment


    • #3
      I think she's just immature, OP. Different strokes for different folks. Your buddy and her were harmless, I think, but still kind of dumb. The crack at the old lady voice doesn't sound that amusing. It's up to you to tell the difference between jealousy/insecurity and plain dumb (that her antics are not amusing). My husband speaks Italian, Spanish and English very fluently so there's times when I don't always understand what he's saying to other people. I'm still learning. Why not learn Italian if you have any interest? I'm also very outnumbered and have brothers. Not to mention I have a son! When we're together as a family, they gang up on me too. I don't really pay any mind and I know it's in good fun. None of them mean any harm and there's lots of love/affection. Having said that, you really need to tell the difference whether you're both incompatible or not. You don't have to pretend when she's not funny.

      Comment


      • #4



        Other Paw Well, actually, yes, since you asked, my sister and her husband have this problem. Ever since she was a young girl, she has always been quite popular, gregarious, attracts men due to her bubbly personality, she's narcissistic and loves attention. Her husband is very possessive, treats her as if she's his property (not that you would), insecure to the point where he chases others away by publicly humiliating them verbally. Again, not that you would either but since you asked, I'm giving you an example which I can relate to because I understand where this resentment and jealousy comes from. I see parallels between you and my past observations.

        If you truly love her, you have to be selfless and let her have her own personality because she was either born this way, set in her ways or won't change for you. You have to back off and let her enjoy her show because she loves to be the center of attention. Sometimes it is narcissism for which there is no cure, unfortunately. Instead of stewing, you have to back off and let her enjoy the spotlight. It's your way of yielding all the time or whenever necessary.

        The other route is for you to change and become gregarious which I'm sure would feel unnatural because it's not your nature nor who you are.

        Or, you need to reflect and realize that both of you are different and either accept and tolerate it or be with someone else who is more compatible to your personality.

        I also have a friend of mine who is quite the extrovert while her husband is very much an introvert. This drives her crazy sometimes but they love each other so perhaps this could be you, too. They've struck a happy medium most of the time. She's gregarious whereas he enjoys his alone time or just be with her only. However, all is not happy all the time because it's a problem which won't go away. Sometimes opposites attract but I've found that usually couples are happier when they have more in common such as personality and character.

        I am the calm, quiet type as is my husband. I doubt I'd tolerate a hyperactive, loud, boisterous, noisy man because like you, this type of personality would make me feel nervous, jumpy and my mind could never feel at ease and relax.

        Why don't you give your relationship a chance? See if you can tolerate your girlfriend and how she is socially for a bit longer. If you can live with it, I hope your relationship endures and if it's intolerable for you, there is your answer. Her gregarious personality bothers you and you might conclude that you're mismatched due to personality differences. (Many times it's character differences, too.) Just make sure your jealousy and insecurity doesn't spill over into creating arguments because at that point, you'll make both of yourselves miserable. That's what happened to the two couples I had mentioned.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          Your insecurity is a result of not knowing your value as a partner and what she values in you. Obviously it's not your bubbly outgoing personality but it's something she very much appreciates it.

          You can have an adult conversation about it without sounding insecure, clingy or controlling. You put on your "I'm okay with who I am attitude" and you say something like.

          "...Honey, obviously you are an outgoing social person and that's not so much my thing. So I'm wondering what it is about me that you like so much when you would have no trouble finding someone more outgoing than I am...."

          Then take whatever she says seriously and don't let your insecurity make you doubt her honesty. And then make sure you keep doing those things she appreciates.

          That said, if you find her joking about you with others disrespectful and demeaning, then tell her. Again, you don't have to be whiny about it. You say...

          "...Honey, I think it's great that you get along with people so easily, including my friends. However, I feels disrespectful and demeaning when you start ganging up on me with the jokes. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that..."

          Good luck

          Comment


          • #6
            You like her why? Because of her personality or despite that?

            Why does she like you? Because of yours or despite yours?

            Be honest to her about what attracts you to her and ask her to do the same.
            You assume she would rather a guy like your best friend but itís only an assumption.

            If you donít like her teasing you , tell her so. But why are you ok with a best friend of 14 yrs doing the same thing?
            Have you discussed this with him?

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you all for taking the time out to respond. I'll try and respond to everyone.


              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
              You are reading way too much into this. You are too overly paranoid when you have nothing to worry about. Everyone gets a little paranoid when they are in a great relationship but you are even more so. She is getting on well with your friends which is a good thing. Would you rather her hate them and have her cause issues for you about seeing them? No. The girl loves YOU and wants a future with YOU! That's all you need to know. You got a wonderful thing here. Let go of this insecurity because if you keep going like this you WILL drive her away.
              I tell myself the bolded part all the time. I've had girls leave me in the past, and I shouldn't let what happened in my past mess up a real good thing I've got.


              Originally posted by chanelle View Post


              Other Paw Well, actually, yes, since you asked, my sister and her husband have this problem. Ever since she was a young girl, she has always been quite popular, gregarious, attracts men due to her bubbly personality, she's narcissistic and loves attention. Her husband is very possessive, treats her as if she's his property (not that you would), insecure to the point where he chases others away by publicly humiliating them verbally. Again, not that you would either but since you asked, I'm giving you an example which I can relate to because I understand where this resentment and jealousy comes from. I see parallels between you and my past observations.

              If you truly love her, you have to be selfless and let her have her own personality because she was either born this way, set in her ways or won't change for you. You have to back off and let her enjoy her show because she loves to be the center of attention. Sometimes it is narcissism for which there is no cure, unfortunately. Instead of stewing, you have to back off and let her enjoy the spotlight. It's your way of yielding all the time or whenever necessary.

              The other route is for you to change and become gregarious which I'm sure would feel unnatural because it's not your nature nor who you are.

              Or, you need to reflect and realize that both of you are different and either accept and tolerate it or be with someone else who is more compatible to your personality.

              I also have a friend of mine who is quite the extrovert while her husband is very much an introvert. This drives her crazy sometimes but they love each other so perhaps this could be you, too. They've struck a happy medium most of the time. She's gregarious whereas he enjoys his alone time or just be with her only. However, all is not happy all the time because it's a problem which won't go away. Sometimes opposites attract but I've found that usually couples are happier when they have more in common such as personality and character.

              I am the calm, quiet type as is my husband. I doubt I'd tolerate a hyperactive, loud, boisterous, noisy man because like you, this type of personality would make me feel nervous, jumpy and my mind could never feel at ease and relax.

              Why don't you give your relationship a chance? See if you can tolerate your girlfriend and how she is socially for a bit longer. If you can live with it, I hope your relationship endures and if it's intolerable for you, there is your answer. Her gregarious personality bothers you and you might conclude that you're mismatched due to personality differences. (Many times it's character differences, too.) Just make sure your jealousy and insecurity doesn't spill over into creating arguments because at that point, you'll make both of yourselves miserable. That's what happened to the two couples I had mentioned.
              You're right. I guess I should just let it be. That's her personality. She's even told me herself just because she gets along well with other guys doesn't mean she's going to be with those other guys. I've even apologized too, but haven't you had a time where your S/O meets your best friend, and you feel like they're getting along better than you thought... at least in that sort of way. I don't know, it just seemed like they had way more common than she and I did, and their personalities seemed similar. They weren't like flirting, but it was just awkward, you know?

              I don't want to start anything, so I maybe I should keep it to myself. Maybe I am just being paranoid about the whole thing.



              Originally posted by Pollon View Post
              Your insecurity is a result of not knowing your value as a partner and what she values in you. Obviously it's not your bubbly outgoing personality but it's something she very much appreciates it.

              You can have an adult conversation about it without sounding insecure, clingy or controlling. You put on your "I'm okay with who I am attitude" and you say something like.

              "...Honey, obviously you are an outgoing social person and that's not so much my thing. So I'm wondering what it is about me that you like so much when you would have no trouble finding someone more outgoing than I am...."

              Then take whatever she says seriously and don't let your insecurity make you doubt her honesty. And then make sure you keep doing those things she appreciates.

              That said, if you find her joking about you with others disrespectful and demeaning, then tell her. Again, you don't have to be whiny about it. You say...

              "...Honey, I think it's great that you get along with people so easily, including my friends. However, I feels disrespectful and demeaning when you start ganging up on me with the jokes. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that..."

              Good luck

              She tells me that bolded part all the time. I've asked her that question before too, and if I feel like I don't believe her, it does look like I'm doubting her honesty, which is a little pet peeve of hers. I'll try your advice, but I don't wanna come off like I can't take a joke, or etc. But I'll try that next time. Thank you.


              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
              You like her why? Because of her personality or despite that?

              Why does she like you? Because of yours or despite yours?

              Be honest to her about what attracts you to her and ask her to do the same.
              You assume she would rather a guy like your best friend but itís only an assumption.

              If you donít like her teasing you , tell her so. But why are you ok with a best friend of 14 yrs doing the same thing?
              Have you discussed this with him?

              I like her because she's a caring, genuine person. I love how silly we can get. She's been the realest, most honest girl I've met. She loves me for the same reason pretty much.

              I don't want to say I don't like the teasing cause I don't want to make it seem like I can't take a joke because her family are chop busters too. I haven't discussed the issue with my friend either. He wouldn't even know what he did. I guess because I've known him a lot longer. It's confusing.

              Comment


              • #8
                Other Paw


                Let it be with however much you're willing to tolerate and endure. Yes, that's her personality but you have a personality, too so eventually, both of you have to mesh somehow in order to have a successful relationship. She's an going person and I've known some outgoing, flirts in my life. I'm not you but a personality like that wouldn't bode well with me. It's difficult to be the quiet one, the "yes person" while the other person is the life of the party. If you don't mind remaining in her shadow, you'll just have to go along with it while she's the extrovert. I hear you, it is awkward when you're with outgoing types whereas you're not similar in personality. If you wish to remain in the relationship, you'll have to accept these differences and be ok with it.

                If you don't want to start anything, then keep your mouth shut. If you complain and make an issue, this will start arguments. You need to ask yourself if you're fine with going with the flow for the sake of peace or speaking up if you feel it's unfair to you and cause strife and discord. I've noticed with some people you have to put up and shut up (tolerate in silence) and should you protest, then you'll have conflict. Is it worth it? Only you can say.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                  Other Paw


                  Let it be with however much you're willing to tolerate and endure. Yes, that's her personality but you have a personality, too so eventually, both of you have to mesh somehow in order to have a successful relationship. She's an going person and I've known some outgoing, flirts in my life. I'm not you but a personality like that wouldn't bode well with me. It's difficult to be the quiet one, the "yes person" while the other person is the life of the party. If you don't mind remaining in her shadow, you'll just have to go along with it while she's the extrovert. I hear you, it is awkward when you're with outgoing types whereas you're not similar in personality. If you wish to remain in the relationship, you'll have to accept these differences and be ok with it.

                  If you don't want to start anything, then keep your mouth shut. If you complain and make an issue, this will start arguments. You need to ask yourself if you're fine with going with the flow for the sake of peace or speaking up if you feel it's unfair to you and cause strife and discord. I've noticed with some people you have to put up and shut up (tolerate in silence) and should you protest, then you'll have conflict. Is it worth it? Only you can say.
                  Thank you for the advice. I should've listened to the bolded part earlier. We just had a day long fight about a joke she made that she carried on and on that I took issue with and got upset with her over, and she said, "You should learn to take a joke, and not take things I say so personally." I can normally take a joke pretty well, but it's either I can be sensitive to things at times, or what she said really bugged me, or things are different when you're dating the person compared to when you're busting chops as friends before you take that step. This is the "strong personality" thing I mentioned earlier that she's into.

                  She said, "I don't wanna have to walk on eggshells when I'm around you, worried about you taking something I say personally."

                  I don't like it, but I guess I'll just have to put up with it. I do care about her and love her a lot, but I guess there are worse things to be fighting about.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Other Paw No problem, Other Paw. Re should've listened to the bolded part earlier. Live and learn, Other Paw. You can't undo the past. All you can do is learn from past mistakes and move forward.

                    Relationships with some people such as your girlfriend requires a delicate dance on your part if you wish to remain in it. You'll have to yield a lot, accept her personality, know she will not change her personality for you, be patient, kind, selfless, exercise self-control on your part since she's a a boisterous extrovert, stay unemotional and calm. You can never control others but you can control yourself in the name of peace and harmony.

                    You have to question yourself: "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" This means you have to be a peaceful person. In order to be a peaceful person, bite your tongue and look the other way. It's better to be quiet today than wake up tomorrow morning with remorse, regrets or both.

                    With many people, instead of being so sensitive, you need to develop thicker skin (not be so sensitive) IF it's your choice to remain in relationships or friendships with people who don't share your same personality. This is the cost and price you have to pay due to your choice to remain in the relationship. This is the price of love if you love other aspects of anyone or her personality in particular.

                    I have a few people in my life who have "strong personalities." It's not easy to have family relationships with them. My case is different than yours because we do not cross paths often but it's enough to grate on my last nerve every now and then. I just enforce healthy boundaries with them.

                    In your case, it's your job to adjust for your girlfriend because she's not going to budge and become your personality. Only you can determine how long you will last. Not all opposites attract but perhaps you will endure with her. I hope it works out for you.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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