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Advice for relationship of 7 months: me (24M) and her (20F)

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  • Advice for relationship of 7 months: me (24M) and her (20F)

    So, this might seem like a small thing for some people, but me and my girlfriend had been dating for about 5 months and we had a huge fight about how we were too clingy with each other, and we almost broke up because of that, so we decided to try and see our friends and family more, so we did and have been doing for about 2 months and everything was alright for the most part.
    We live really far away from each other (40min -1h drive) so we can only see each other on the weekends, last weekend she came over Thursday night and went home on Saturday (she would usually only go home Sunday), it bothered me a bit, but I understood it.
    Until yesterday, she told me she was going to the movies with a friend on Saturday, so it would be really hard for me to sleepover at her place, since I usually go to her place on Friday night and go back home Sunday afternoon, I told her we should probably try and find a solution for it, since spending almost 2 weeks apart from each other wouldn't do any good to our relationship, I couldn't find an immediate solution and neither could her, so we just kinda left it at that, so today I confronted her about it, since the whole staying away from each other for 2 weeks (since we it's really hard for us to see each other on weekedays) was upsetting me, and the fact that we hadn't tried to find a solution for it together was bothering me, she got upset, because she thought I fell like she didn't want to see me, I said that wasn't the case and all I wanted was to find a solution, we hang up the call on a bad note and 5 minutes later she calls me and tells me I can go to her place saturday night and go home Monday.
    So basically after 5 minutes of thinking she found a really simple solution.
    Anyways, she said the fact that staying away for "just a weekend" (her words) was bothering me so much was worrisome. I told her that it didn't bother me that much, just the fact that she accepted we wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks was okay instead of thinking of a plausible solution was what bothered me a lot.

    She told me she didn't agree with arguing over it on a call, since talking for 2 hours about it wouldn't help us reach a solution, and also she found annoying the fact that I was insisting on finding a solution for it, but if I hadn't we probably wouldn't have found this solution.

    So, I guess what I wanted help with was:
    - Am I being too clingy when I think that not seeing each other couldn't be good for the relationship, when we really don't see each other that much (probably 8 days out of 31/month).
    - Am I right for wanting us to discuss something like this further, instead of just accepting it?

  • #2
    Well apparently it wasn't a huge issue for HER to go two weeks without seeing you. The issue was on your part.

    Relationships that are solid can tolerate a good deal of separation, and people who really love each other are eager for their partners to enjoy their lives with friends. The bottom line is that I think you are being too clingy.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      lucas49ers Yes, you're too clingy and no, you're not right to discuss this further. You have to be flexible especially for LDR (long distance relationships). This is what you sign up for LDR. She has a life too you know as you should as well. Keep in mind, she tried her best to find a solution so she said you could stay at her place Saturday night and go home on Monday. She was flexible and arrived at a happy medium. For any relationship and especially for LDR, you have to compromise a lot in order to make the relationship successful and enduring.

      For LDR, don't make the relationship any more difficult than it already is. There will be some weeks where you two won't see each other for 2 weeks because people have a social life outside relationships, too. There are other reasons, too such as personal, health, sickness, family commitments and the like. If you cannot and will not accept the inconvenience, hassle and patience required of LDR, then don't be in one and in the future, do something more practical such as have a relationship with a local woman.


      • #4
        Do either of you drive or are you taking public transportation? 1 hr is nothing either way. I'd hardly call this an LDR. I'm not sure why this is an inconvenience for both of you. I've made drives like this in previous relationships regularly(slightly longer). And the guy didn't even drive! You're both so young. It makes me wonder where your zest and enthusiasm for life has gone? Do you live in a tiny rural town where everything is 5 min away from you? Some context or perspective from your end would help. I'm really struggling to see what the issue is with the distance.

        I do think however that you're both a bit too set in your routine and this is causing friction. It's healthy to mix things up and not see each other every single weekend. You're arguing about petty grievances. Life is too short for this.

        Regarding your question 1, I think you're a tad hung up over it and it's annoying (for her) probably but no, I don't think you're clingy. You're coming from a place where you miss your gf and you're entitled to that. Why would you call it a relationship if it wasn't what YOU thought a relationship ought to be? Basically you should know what makes you happy and if these aren't the terms that make you happy, either work things out and change them together or find someone else with whom you jive with more.

        I wouldn't keep hashing it out and let the weekend unfold itself. You look obsessed about the matter if you go on and on. Just leave it. Make other plans for yourself if things don't work out, stop with this negativity around each other. Start celebrating your time together more and make it more meaningful, not just a bunch of obligations.


        • #5
          Thanks a lot Rose, I feel like your advice was actually really constructive, I do live in a big city and do not feel like we are in a long distance relationship, but that's the thing, since I don't feel like we are in a relationship like that, I feel like we should be able to see each other more often, but I guess she just doesn't have the same needs as me, even though she will always go on about how much she misses me when we're far apart, so maybe she is forcing herself to be this way, not sure.
          I'm not unhappy with her taking her time to go out with friends instead of me, I'm not angry at her, or feel like she should spend all of her time with me, I just felt really sad about not seeing her for that long, I don't feel like that's being clingy, but I guess no one ever does, but i am going to try to make an effort to give her the space she needs, next time a situation like this appears.


          • #6
            Well, it's heartbreaking reading your post because any time one person starts missing one person more than the other, it never feels good. The other person might also feel very guilty and may do things for you out of obligation or guilt. That feeling of not being on the same page and vulnerable especially is not good. If she shows you in other ways how much she loves you and wants to be with you, look at the positives. ]It's important to show each other how much you care but also see how much the other person loves you(in other ways). Ultimately if you don't feel so great or fulfilled (I'm talking about that constant nagging feeling you might get that you're not exactly reaching the full potential of an awesome, mindblowing relationship where you're really happy all the time), you should be honest with yourself and her. A healthy relationship should feel inspiring, buoyant even, where you feel secure and happy with your partner and you have arrangements that work and are centered on your values and what matters most to both of you.


            • #7

              lucas49ers I agree with what Rose said.

              Over time, you will determine if you have more need to see your girlfriend than she has the need to see you as often or not. Either you have to follow her cue all the time or sooner or later, you'll run out of patience. Only time will tell. Even though she says she misses you, her actions speak louder than words. If she's forcing herself to be this way, it's unfair to both of you because you desire to be closer to her more often whereas she can afford not seeing you as often.

              I hear you. Only seeing your girlfriend on weekends or every 2 weeks is not often compared to dating a local woman.

              You don't have too many choices with a woman who is 1 hour + 40 minutes away. You have to make do with whatever time is available including her life outside you. Are you willing to not always be top priority in her schedule? With relationships, you always have to accommodate the other person and the other person needs to accommodate you to be fair. Relationships require a selfless attitude. It's not about, I want, I want, I want otherwise that mindset will cause a breakup.

              Remember that anytime a relationship is a hassle, expensive and time-consuming to travel back 'n forth, many times either two people or one person burns out or desire decreases due to inconvenience. There is a reason why LDR has a tendency to fail. However, I hope yours succeeds.


              • #8
                You're way too obsessed about this. chanelle is right, you're too clingy. She is just doing what you both agreed on and is obviously cool with it. As rose said, this is your issue and one you have to work out with yourself, not her.
                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!