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  • Donít know how to reach him.

    Iím at the end of my tether. Iíve been with my boyfriend a year and weíve had our ups and downs but through it all weíve always liked each other. Lately I feel like heís tolerating me, and sometimes actively dislikes me. I know where itís coming from. He has undiagnosed health problems and about 3 weeks ago, he was told that option wise they were nearing the end of the road, so now he faces a life of discomfort and occasional pain with the hope of solving this minimised. Around this time he started telling me that I didnít sign up for this, and that it may be time for me to bow out, previously he thought that one day he would be ďback to normalĒ I have every sympathy for him. I canít imagine how I would feel in similar circumstances and I have tried to give him space when he needs it and be there when he needs that. The last two weeks however he has backed off in a big way. On one occasion when I questioned him (this being the only time I ever have) he was furious with me. Asked me whey I was reading into things and that he was ďjust fineĒ I told him I ask questions to avoid overthinking and reading into things, and he apologised admittedely in a begrudging way. Since then we have been away together for a weekend and things were ok, but a little less fun than usual. Since weíve come back, heís barely contacted me. A perfunctionary text the odd night and no response to my replies for hours, he was never a great texter but its beyond bad lately. I genuinely do not know what to do. He told me a few weeks back that the last thing he wanted was to lose me, but now seems to be actively pushing me away. I donít want to be without him. I love him, and he told me he loves me but Iím struggling big time at the moment and feel I canít bring it up with him right now. I just donít know what to do, and would really appreciate advise.

  • #2
    dontknow77 he is going through allot at the moment and it has nothing to do with you. Don't be confronting him about his lack of contact, he doesn't need to be stressed anymore than he already is. He's trying to do you a favor by telling you to move on and not be burdened by his health issues and because you love him i know this is hard for you to do. All you can is what you have already been doing. Be there for him when he needs it and give him space when he needs it. His issues are not with you so don't pressure him. Leave him be. Let him do what he needs to do. Let him cope in any way he can.
    Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 6th, 2018, 09:28 AM.

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    • #3
      Thank you. I appreciate your reply. I just want to be clear that I have put zero pressure on him. He said something last week along the lines of things have changed and I asked him what he meant, I didn't naturally assume it was to do with me or us, I merely asked for clarification as we were having a stilted conversation at the time. I totally understand the hellish nature of it all, and that lack of hope is a truely awful thing, but do I just accept him pushing me away? I would hugely understand if he wanted to go this alone, I wouldn't hold this against him, however at the moment I'm in a kind of Limbo, and it's not doing either of us any good, I'm just a little clueless on how to proceed. He's not easy to have a frank open conversation with and of course I don't want to pressure him or add to his burden.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by dontknow77 View Post
        Thank you. I appreciate your reply. I just want to be clear that I have put zero pressure on him. He said something last week along the lines of things have changed and I asked him what he meant, I didn't naturally assume it was to do with me or us, I merely asked for clarification as we were having a stilted conversation at the time. I totally understand the hellish nature of it all, and that lack of hope is a truely awful thing, but do I just accept him pushing me away? I would hugely understand if he wanted to go this alone, I wouldn't hold this against him, however at the moment I'm in a kind of Limbo, and it's not doing either of us any good, I'm just a little clueless on how to proceed. He's not easy to have a frank open conversation with and of course I don't want to pressure him or add to his burden.
        I understand that this is a very difficult position for you to be in. I really feel for you. Do you have family you can talk to about this? or someone in his family? Maybe they can offer you the support you need too. I can see you doing your best to support him, but you cant carry it all alone. If he does make the decision to go it alone then you may just have to accept it.

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        • #5
          I would accept it.. I wouldn't like it, but I would respect his decision. I don't know his family very well, I've only met them a few times and I know he wouldn't appreciate me contacting them. He'd think it was an overreaction and I guess he'd be right. I have friends and family and I do bend their ear but don't really want to tell them how awful it is at the moment, their instinct is to protect me, and I don't want them thinking badly of him especially when he's going through a rough time.

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          • #6
            Why would they think badly of him? If they know what he's going through then they should be understanding. Let them protect you. Don't go through this alone.

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            • #7
              Ah I guess because they can see how upset I am and for whatever the reason he is currently treating me badly. They have every sympathy because I haven't told him how cold, dismissive and uninterested he currently is. I have toned it down. The end result is that for whatever the reason, I am being treated badly right now. I understand the why, and I will not throw in the towel, I will wait it out and perhaps when things improve speak about this, but for the now, I will have to hold my tongue.

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              • #8
                I didn't realise how badly he was treating you. Issues or not, that's no excuse to be that way toward you. I know he must find it all so incredibly difficult but he shouldn't be taking out on you. Maybe you could express to him that you know he's going through alot but you don't appreciate bearing the brunt off all his frustration. It's not fair on you. Try to keep your distance and only go to him if he asks you to, but tell him you will only be there for him if he starts treating you better.

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                • #9
                  Dazed & Confused I agree with you.

                  dontknow77 I would follow his cue and back off. Give him all the time and space he wants but when your patience has met its limits, it's time to let him go so he can concentrate on his troubles; his poor health in this case. Don't take it personally.

                  In my lifetime, I've observed many people going through very hard times; often times permanent, irreparable situations. When it comes to certain insurmountable problems such as health woes, many people suddenly change their personalities. Whenever life is smooth, worry free, carefree and grand, people tend to be nice, kind, jolly and lighthearted because they have the brain space for it. Then when times turn bad whether serious health worries, money headaches and / or both, then suddenly people become frustrated because they no longer have control over their lives nor brain space for pleasantness and niceties. Whenever there's loss of control, stress, anger, grouchy and argumentative behavior sets in. It is human nature. Some people can remain amiable with people who are difficult to get along with during times of extreme stress whereas other people cannot and will not tolerate this type of consistent cranky behavior. This is the time you need to question yourself whether or not you can be the morally supportive one or if it's too much for you and it's time to bow out and make your exit. Difficult situations really test relationships.

                  I know for myself that whenever anyone is belligerent due to one's troubles, I back away and wait for them to come around. If I sense they will never change for the better, it's time for me to say good-bye in a respectful, gracious manner. However, should I cross paths with these same types of people, I remain peaceful and cordial towards them; no more no less. This is the time to enforce healthy boundaries.

                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    Hi, Thank you. I really appreciate people taking the time to reply to me.
                    I understand the premise for the above, If he told me that he was struggling with things at the moment and wanted my support, I would be there 100%, by the same token if he told me that the way he deals with things is to take a bit of time and space I would also grant him that. Itís this limbo that is affecting me. He has literally gone from a man whoís love I was confident of to somebody who can barely seem to tolerate me. This over the space of two weeks. itís a bitter pill to swallow. I asked him once over this time if he was struggling a bit and if I could help, and he lost it, told me I was reading things into a situation which doesnít exist. I was not, and hell even if I was, I never harp on, I rarely overthink, I am understanding to the point of ridiculous (which I think may be half the problem) and I asked the man I have been with a year if he was ok and got this rage in response. He has always had a quick temper, but previously would always accept if he was at fault. He told me previously that my happiness was important to him, in the midst of his anger last week he told me if I wasnít happy I know where the door is. I canít keep up.
                    I am truly sympathetic, and I excel at putting myself into the shoes of others, but I am really really struggling with this. Itís the absolute lack of communication which is killing me and the Jekyll Hyde nature of it all (at the moment more Hyde) I think ti's deteremental to me to just wait for him to come around but I'm not sure what else to do.

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                    • #11
                      Honestly, don't take these mood swings of his personally. They are not really about you. Don't let it play on your mind so much. He's going through allot but he still shouldn't be taking things out on you. Like i said before, keep a distance until he asks you to come to him, but tell him you will only do so if he treats you better. If he loves you and needs you (which i think he does) he will.

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                      • #12
                        Yes I guess I need to toughen up, have more of a leave him off attitude rather than worry that he's ok. I guess in previous relationships I was never shut out to this extent, and it's taking a little getting used to

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                        • #13
                          I wish you all the best with this

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                          • #14
                            Thank you. I think he's phasing me out, but a little bit of patience and we shall see. Many thanks for the advise.

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                            • #15


                              dontknow77 I think he's extremely unfair to you and you are very unfair to yourself for tolerating his unacceptable behavior which is abusive to you. I think you need to really back off from concentrating on him so much and focus on your own life, your happiness, sanity, well-being, mental and physical health. It's time to concentrate on you instead of fretting about him all the time. He needs to take care of himself and you need to let go of him.

                              I've noticed from my own experience with some people and my observations of them including myself even, that when life is not good such as very serious health concerns, financial problems or both, it's human nature to be Jekkyl Hyde. It's extremely difficult to remain kind, cordial, nice, pleasant and sweet when people (including myself) cannot control their lives. When I refer to "control," I refer to normal stability such as health, money, personal relationships or all three. Whenever people's lives go haywire, people go nuts often times lashing out and taking their frustration, anger and upset on whoever's available as their verbal punching bag. In your case, you are the verbal punching bag because you make yourself available to his form abuse thrust upon you. This is where your enforced healthy boundaries come into play. You need to be deliberately unavailable to him. You don't have to hear it, read it or engage at his level by choice when you decide to deliberately not be there for him.

                              Whenever life is wonderful, there's great health, financial stability and harmonious relationships with all, of course we're delightful, kind, generous, so nice, lighthearted and pleasant. We have brain space for sweetness when life is sweet! We all tend to be very nice when life is without troubles. This is human nature. Then when life turns sour for so many reasons, people become surly, sour, terse, cruel, mean spirited and belligerent. Why? Because we don't have control and people become very, very insecure and miserable which spills over to whoever's available to be the next verbal or written punching bag.

                              I truly believe that human interactions need to have consistent respect and honor otherwise, relationships unravel, the spirit dies and something goes dead inside you. Then incompatibility sets in. Sooner or later you'll burnout and leave. It happens a lot and it's not that all uncommon at all. When you're inexperienced and don't understand human psychology from life's experiences, it's good to know what makes people tick and what ticks people off. You either continue to hang on, endure and tolerate this toxic relationship or you get out.

                              Some people change when life turns around it's all rosy if you're willing to wait indefinitely. Then there are others who are crabby and unkind all the time while you constantly walk on eggshells. You have to constantly be on your guard for the other person's volatile, unpredictable but predictable mean behavior. I'm not you but for me, I don't tolerate other people's crap anymore. If they have issues, I leave them alone until they behave like decent human beings or I basically bid them farewell in my mind. Or, I fade away from their lives. Or, I sever ties and leave. I want to live my own happy life without anyone who will drag me down and be nothing but a drag. I don't like high maintenance people either because they depress me and affect my mental and physical health! Or, if we must cross paths, I'm polite and well-mannered but know how to keep my safe distance. There is a way to be gracious, diplomatic and peaceful if you do it right. Maintain composure, be calm, unemotional, remain peaceful but know how to stay away.
                              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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