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Honestly feel a bit crazy. Anyone have experience with long term lack of intimacy?

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  • Honestly feel a bit crazy. Anyone have experience with long term lack of intimacy?

    I posted once before, I am in a marriage where sex is very brief, and very rare. My self-esteem is pretty low, I feel lonely and isolated, but I also feel a bit crazy... I don't know how to describe it. I feel so desperate for contact that my mind feels flighty, almost slightly panicked, or at other times deeply depressed/despondent. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I remember my uncle saying, many years ago that he would never go to a beach because his feelings of lust for scantily clad women made him feel crazy. I remember at the time thinking: "wow, you just need some sex". I learned some other things about men in my family that are fairly similar. There seems to be several men suffering from a lack of intimate relationships, and a bunch of borderline sketchy behavior to deal with it. (Cheating/porn/creepiness/etc). I feel like I'm holding at the moment, but also at times like a starving person, I don't like the thought of lack of control of myself, but I feel like that's where I'm eventually headed and I want a way back to mental balance and well-being.

  • #2
    Have you talked to your spouse about this issue? Is everything else in the relationship going well, just the sex that's lacking? Just wondering if there are other issues that may be keeping the intimacy going.

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    • #3
      Hello Cogirl, uhm, well, there are struggles for sure, but we get along well. We are honestly just such different people. She's really busy, goal oriented, works hard, into marathons etc, feels needing sex is a weakness. It's probably worse as she's crazy busy lately, but honestly, we've never really connected physically since before we got married more than 15 years ago. She doesn't like sex, feeling vulnerable, etc. I haven't really put it into these words because she will think I'm weak if I do. Also, if I say anything about wanting/needing anything physical, it's a sure way to push her away.

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      • #4
        What, if anything, have you done to overcome your dilemma with your frigid and unyielding wife?

        If nothing, then I refer you to your last thread wherein you received plenty of suggestions that may help you overcome your longing or get the hell away from you wife.

        https://www.relationship-forums.com/...sical-intimacy
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          Thanks Phases, I do appreciate the great help you and others gave me 8 months ago. I have tried yes, and will continue to. I asked the question on this post specifically because I can't find a lot to do with how to deal with it, specifically, I feel like I could be in at risk potentially for a mental health issue. It does sound a bit paranoid, and though I try to maintain good mental health including meditation etc. I feel a bit consumed with depression and loneliness. As stated previously I feel like I've seen this pattern of loneliness/stupidity in a couple of my family relations.

          I found a couple of interesting articles where they reference "Skin Hunger" which were helpful reads. I feel your frustration with me and my situation, but just leaving my wife isn't a good option when children etc. are concerned. We get along with very little fighting etc. and I believe the relationship works fine for her. Anyway, again, my interest in starting this thread was specifically about dealing with the mental health side, hoping someone had some tips. Apologies for the frustration

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          • #6
            Originally posted by ImOnAQuest View Post
            Hello Cogirl, uhm, well, there are struggles for sure, but we get along well. We are honestly just such different people. She's really busy, goal oriented, works hard, into marathons etc, feels needing sex is a weakness. It's probably worse as she's crazy busy lately, but honestly, we've never really connected physically since before we got married more than 15 years ago. She doesn't like sex, feeling vulnerable, etc. I haven't really put it into these words because she will think I'm weak if I do. Also, if I say anything about wanting/needing anything physical, it's a sure way to push her away.
            Does she not like sex at all, or just not like sex with you? You both honestly so sound incompatible. Why are you still together? Things will only inevitably get worse. The relationship has got to be find for the both of you, not just for her. That's very selfish of her. No wonder you are losing it.
            Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 6th, 2018, 09:12 AM.

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            • #7
              ImOnAQuest, There can be many reasons a woman does not enjoy sex. 1. She does not understand her body. While this may sound ridiculous, most women in western culture are guilty of not fully appreciating and understanding their bodies. This creates stress and unnecessary work for men. 2. She has been raped or molested when she was younger. If you have not had that conversation, it is imperative that you do. Without support to get past an unfortunate sexual circumstance, she may be punishing herself. 3. In rare cases, some women experience pain during intercourse. Perhaps you can still enjoy sexual intimacy with very little penetration. 4. She does not feel pleased by you as a lover. The duration of sex is too short or you are not engaging her in a way she desires. Some women like it rough, some gentle and others want a little of both. 5. Is the unthinkable. Infidelity.

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              • #8
                Thanks so much for your replies! I really appreciate your insights. I see I should probably have posted on my original post, as many of these issues were discussed there. In a nutshell, she doesn't dislike sex, but she sees it as a bit of a weakness, she doesn't like to indulge in any pleasure per se, she sees it as a challenge to avoid indulgence, she doesn't like to lose control, she doesn't like to be vulnerable. Also, unless everything in life is running smoothly she doesn't like to "reward" with sex. When sex happens she likes it to be efficient, quickest way to climax etc. She does climax, there doesn't seem to be any serious past issues (rape etc.). There is a religious, as well as family culture disdain for sex, her mom and sister seem to feel the same way. Anyway, there is a LOT of small reasons. There are also a lot of reasons to stay together, chief being children. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with it. I've listened to a few podcasts recently, the message I seem to be getting is to just enjoy what is good, which is good advice. I just don't seem to be able to be built for a lack of physical/emotional expressions of love, and a bit worried about keeping a healthy mind and spirit.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by ImOnAQuest View Post
                  Thanks Phases, I do appreciate the great help you and others gave me 8 months ago. I have tried yes, and will continue to. I asked the question on this post specifically because I can't find a lot to do with how to deal with it, specifically, I feel like I could be in at risk potentially for a mental health issue. It does sound a bit paranoid, and though I try to maintain good mental health including meditation etc. I feel a bit consumed with depression and loneliness. As stated previously I feel like I've seen this pattern of loneliness/stupidity in a couple of my family relations.

                  I found a couple of interesting articles where they reference "Skin Hunger" which were helpful reads. I feel your frustration with me and my situation, but just leaving my wife isn't a good option when children etc. are concerned. We get along with very little fighting etc. and I believe the relationship works fine for her. Anyway, again, my interest in starting this thread was specifically about dealing with the mental health side, hoping someone had some tips. Apologies for the frustration
                  You would do well to get yourself a good therapist that MAY be able to help you to accept and be happy in that acceptance. At the very least, you must have a religious leader you can talk to about your wife's lack of want for sexual intimacy and see if they can give you some advice that will help you to accept.

                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    ImOnAQuest, the irony of this situation is that your wife has never smoothly and efficiently created her own life. She is living on someone elseís path and may believe this is how she really is.

                    There is no reason for you to accept less. You get one life and you should not have to give up the things you truly enjoy for another. Nor am I suggesting you abandon the relationship. However, if the situation were reversed, many women would say leave. That is not the answer. You are going to have to take an undying stand for your wife.

                    Your wife has been through something or she is sympathetic towards others who have been through trauma. Either that way of being was completely inherited by the women in her family or she is suppressing something.

                    It is unlikely you are equipped to help her transform this mindset. Otherwise, you would have done that already. Either find a really, really, really good therapist or do some kind of transformational workshop. She would enjoy the workshop because it would be about breaking through blind spots and mental barriers. That should support her desire to be a more effective in her career or athletics. There are some great workshops out there. Youíll enjoy it.

                    A workshop would be good for you as well. You chose this woman. It would seem difficult to believe that she just started showing this behavior. You allowed this from the beginning. Now youíre upset. You will have to take 100% responsibility for your choices.

                    As a side, sex as a reward? And the get it over with fast sounds like she could possibly be someone who experienced rape.

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                    • #11
                      Phases: I think therapy is the way to go. No religious leader no, it's another sticking point that I now take a more general approach to spirituality and she's 100% committed to her religion.

                      Yoda: "You get one life and you should not have to give up the things you truly enjoy" - agreed, it's what really is driving me crazy, I'm over 40 now, and I am coming to the conclusion it's never going to get better. Not in a mid-life crisis kind of way, but in a "it's not just a mood" kind of way.
                      I really liked "It is unlikely you are equipped to help her transform this mindset. Otherwise, you would have done that already." I think you're right.

                      "You chose this woman. It would seem difficult to believe that she just started showing this behavior." Our religion prohibits pre-marital sex, but everything pre-marriage indicated she was extremely interested in sex. It was absolutely the hottest part of our relationship. Looking back, I was definitely a challenge for her. I was casually dating a few girls when her and I started dating, and I think she displayed really aggressive and overt sexuality at the time, in part, perhaps to "secure the win" as is her personality.

                      Honestly though, she really seems to enjoy sex when she has it. She often has multiple orgasms. She just likes it to be efficient. No foreplay, no messing around, straight to the girl on top position that works best, and it's done in 10-15 min. It doesn't really work well for me, the result for me is ...well it's nice - absolutely to have the connection, but it just isn't terribly satisfying. Once a year or so we go away to a spa, once she gets away from her life, she totally relaxes. We've actually had some really good sex in those situations, but again, it's once a year, and it's been about two years since the last time we went away. - I'd be interested on your take on that one Phases, you've said she's frigid before, but she can, occasionally be pretty extroverted, sexually speaking.

                      As a side note I was feeling a bit down yesterday and she noticed and said "I think your problem is you haven't had sex for a couple months, I guess we'll have to take care of that sometime." It has, in fact been almost 3 months, but what I said was something about thinking there were better reasons to have sex than a long wait... anyway thanks again for the great insight!


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                      • #12
                        How is she supposed to be inspired by you at all if you're such an unhappy person? Did you both ever join therapy together?
                        Last edited by Rose Mosse; November 7th, 2018, 03:05 AM.

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                        • #13
                          ImOnAQuest, there may be a few things happening here that must be addressed. The first item is you. Rigid women are very particular about the men they choose. I will make the assumption that you too can be very disciplined. That may be one of the things that made the 2 of you bond.

                          If that rigidity occurs in every aspect of your lives, it will spill over into your sex life. That makes both of your responsible. If Iím off base, let me know. (If Iím not off base, perhaps you are an athlete or a disciplined businessman, engineer, accountant, architect or something like that.)

                          With that said, sex starts way before you get into the bedroom. (I need to say something in an affectionate way Ė man to man.) Be a man. Perhaps it is time for you to lead sex before it gets to the bedroom. When you are with her, you set her up for sex. That means touches, kisses, sexual innuendos, looking at her body, etc. This has to be done affectionately with masculinity. You keep whispering things in her ear. At some point, you lift her off of her feet and carry her to the bedroom. That means you are going to make this your show, not hers. (All of this can be done after a night out for dinner. In fact, it can be done everyday without a night out.)

                          Ultimately, Iím saying you are going to have to put your foot down. Youíre not a victim in this situation. You have contributed. Now you need to contribute some power in this relationship, even in the bedroom. You make love with the intent to consume her. It sounds like she knows her body well. Therefore, there will be no problem with her enjoying herself.

                          What Iíve described above is a way to dominate a woman without force or disrespect.

                          As a side, for a short while, I dated a woman who sounds similar to your wife. She was very, very rigid. She danced for Broadway plays and was very disciplined. However, like your wife, she enjoyed sex and could climax in 3-5 minutes.

                          She never cooked a meal for men she dated. She demanded to be taken out to dinner. I put my foot down and said I pay people to cook for her and wash dishes when I take her to restaurants. I told her that if she wasnít going to take me out, she needs to provide similar treatment to me. So she grudgingly cooked. In a short time, she took pleasure in cooking for me. The flip side is I always treated her well. I was always setting her up for sex.

                          The bigger point here is that if 2 rigid people come together, it can be a battle of the wills. No one wins in that situation, especially when it revolves around sex. Eventually, someone will seek sex elsewhere. I understand you donít want to do that. Then you will have to take responsibility for this situation and create the environment you want.

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                          • #14
                            Okay, so she gets her groove on when she's away from all stress and responsibility and considers sex not necessary when she has other things to take care of.

                            We get that. The issue now is that YOU are not happy with that dynamic. That means if you're going to stay with her, then YOU have to get the help YOU need to be able to accept her way in order to be in a happy union. She is too rigid to accept your way so either get learning to be happy with what you do get, or get out. No point complaining while doing nothing to make things better (that is what codependent people do... they stay and bitch and more times then not, they end up getting too involved with another member of the opposite sex in order to get their perceived needs met).

                            I agree with nearly everything Yoda has said but with your wife, I don't think that strategy will work. Not unless you're on some "spa" weekend and then she may just laugh. If you do it when you're home, I fear she'll hit you over the head with her bible or something.

                            Anyway... get the help you need to accept your lot and learn how to be happy in it instead of pining away for something your wife is incapable (by all accounts) of giving you.

                            I Do wish you luck.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              phasesofthemoon, I'm a man. I understand how to use manhood as a tool when it comes to women. She will not hit him with a bible. He has to be consistent. She may find it odd at first, if he's never done something like this. However, women are human beings first. Human beings love affection, when they know they can have it with consistency. Unless you're a man, I am certain that you have no idea how to use manhood as a tool. He is most likely in this situation because of the advice women give to men.

                              If he has to make adjustments, it will come from her responses. As I said before, he will have to take a stand for her.

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