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  • Year in marriage

    Hello!
    I`ve been married for year now and something is really wrong.
    After we got married, something changed in our relationship and especially in our sex life.
    I mean when i see good looking guy or have dreams about them, i know i want sex and it`s not like i don`t want it at all.
    But when my husband touches me or wants sex, i`m pushing him away. I can`t imagine me having sex with him anymore.
    I want it, i dream about it and imagine all the kissing and touching but when it comes to my husband - it`s like i`m the coldest woman on earth.
    And obviously he`s getting stressed about it too, since it`s already been three month without sex or kissing.
    Sure i`ve tried: show no emotion, just bite in your tongue and do it, but it`s humiliating and since i don`t get excited - it`s painful.
    So i`m worried: what to do? how to fix it? will i ever want my husband again?
    What`s wrong with me?
    I mean, i`m not getting any younger and spending my life in this reality, is really challenging.
    Because i want love, kisses, touches, and i`m with someone i can`t imagine doing it with.
    If a good looking guy from work would sweep me off the feat, i think i might even cheat, but that`s not what i want.
    In the beginning we were like bunnies, but now.. I don`t know, so i`m asking for advice.

  • #2
    Was this an arranged marriage or one of long distance prior to marriage?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      Did your attraction to him change? Weight gain, gross habits?

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Freonie33 View Post
        Hello!
        I`ve been married for year now and something is really wrong.
        After we got married, something changed in our relationship and especially in our sex life.
        I mean when i see good looking guy or have dreams about them, i know i want sex and it`s not like i don`t want it at all.
        But when my husband touches me or wants sex, i`m pushing him away. I can`t imagine me having sex with him anymore.
        I want it, i dream about it and imagine all the kissing and touching but when it comes to my husband - it`s like i`m the coldest woman on earth.
        And obviously he`s getting stressed about it too, since it`s already been three month without sex or kissing.
        Sure i`ve tried: show no emotion, just bite in your tongue and do it, but it`s humiliating and since i don`t get excited - it`s painful.
        So i`m worried: what to do? how to fix it? will i ever want my husband again?
        What`s wrong with me?
        I mean, i`m not getting any younger and spending my life in this reality, is really challenging.
        Because i want love, kisses, touches, and i`m with someone i can`t imagine doing it with.
        If a good looking guy from work would sweep me off the feat, i think i might even cheat, but that`s not what i want.
        In the beginning we were like bunnies, but now.. I don`t know, so i`m asking for advice.
        Cut the poor guy loose so he can actually find a decent loyal woman who will actually love and care for him. You don't deserve him. I've got no respect for people who are willing to cheat so easily.
        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 4th, 2018, 07:09 PM.

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        • #5
          OP, I saw two instances in your post where you compared your husband to other good looking guys as examples. See Line 3 in your post and the 2nd last line. This suggests that your husband is not doing it for you physically and your physical attraction to him is lacking.

          Don't take the easy way out and cheat (this will come back full force back at you and you'll pay the price eventually). If you feel you will be bullied, ostracized or shunned from society because of divorce or walking out of an arranged marriage for example, weigh your options carefully and be a bit wiser about how you want to go about this. Your husband clearly is there for you and he's in the same boat. Talk about this together and discover what's hurting the both of you beneath what's skin deep.

          Third, you should NOT be giving up your body for sex because you're married or because you feel an obligation. This creates more resentment and a fight or flight response from you. You are cornering yourself and creating a terrible space for yourself. Simply be honest with him and talk about things. Never have sex out of obligation and do NOT stand for being humiliated.
          Last edited by Rose Mosse; November 5th, 2018, 04:29 PM.

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          • #6
            Why do you think you are turned off to your husband?

            And what is your perception of your role as a wife?

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            • #7
              Im sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing in your marriage. Have you tried talking to a marriage counselor? A good counselor might be able to give you some solid guidance. Do you think your husband might consider going with you? I know your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. Sometimes a relationship just needs open communication to get to the root of the issue. Stay strong. Sending hugs and prayers your way!

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              • #8
                Thank You for Your reply!


                The thing is - i don`t want another husband.
                I like the way he treats me - he`s honest, he tries to surprise me, he defends me, he treats me well.
                And that`s why i feel horrible because there is nothing wrong with him.
                He treats me well.
                But when it comes to a passion - i can`t imagine it.
                It feels wrong.
                I would feel awful if i would choose someone else just to sleep with him but he would turn out to be a jerk.
                And i know my husband would feel betrayed because he treats me well but i would do such thing.
                We hold our hands, we hug, we make dinner together, we sleep in same bed..

                But there is no passion.
                I feel like dirt because i want to grow old with my husband...
                But at the same time i`d rather sleep with someone else and spend weekends alone.
                I just don`t know what do anymore...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Freonie33 View Post
                  Thank You for Your reply!


                  The thing is - i don`t want another husband.
                  I like the way he treats me - he`s honest, he tries to surprise me, he defends me, he treats me well.
                  And that`s why i feel horrible because there is nothing wrong with him.
                  He treats me well.
                  But when it comes to a passion - i can`t imagine it.
                  It feels wrong.
                  I would feel awful if i would choose someone else just to sleep with him but he would turn out to be a jerk.
                  And i know my husband would feel betrayed because he treats me well but i would do such thing.
                  We hold our hands, we hug, we make dinner together, we sleep in same bed..

                  But there is no passion.
                  I feel like dirt because i want to grow old with my husband...
                  But at the same time i`d rather sleep with someone else and spend weekends alone.
                  I just don`t know what do anymore...
                  You don't deserve him and you should feel ashamed of yourself.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Freonie33 View Post
                    Thank You for Your reply!


                    The thing is - i don`t want another husband.
                    I like the way he treats me - he`s honest, he tries to surprise me, he defends me, he treats me well.
                    And that`s why i feel horrible because there is nothing wrong with him.
                    He treats me well.
                    But when it comes to a passion - i can`t imagine it.
                    It feels wrong.
                    I would feel awful if i would choose someone else just to sleep with him but he would turn out to be a jerk.
                    And i know my husband would feel betrayed because he treats me well but i would do such thing.
                    We hold our hands, we hug, we make dinner together, we sleep in same bed..

                    But there is no passion.
                    I feel like dirt because i want to grow old with my husband...
                    But at the same time i`d rather sleep with someone else and spend weekends alone.
                    I just don`t know what do anymore...
                    I'll ask again: Was your marriage and arranged marriage or was it a long distance courtship where you didn't see each other often?
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I`ll tell You a little bit more because i see that i might get some answers.
                      So first of all - i apologize for my English. My husband is working in USA, and we`ll be leaving in two months. My native language is Lithuanian.
                      Currently i`m 27 years olds.
                      From 18-24 i was in bad relationship.
                      When i met the guy we had a loving and caring relationship. Then he cut off my friends, my family. He said i shouldn`t work because it embarrasses him. And i believed him.
                      After 4 years n relationship - he broke my nose, he punched out my tooth.. And i was afraid to go out of the house because i was ugly..

                      After a while it didn`t feel like relationship because it was all about him. And since i didn`t see that we were in a relationship, i didn`t want any sexual act with him. So..one day..i locked myself in a bathroom. And he kicked the door out and raped me. And it continued once in a week for a 1,5 years.
                      Why i didn`t ran? No money, no friends, my family didn`t care and he bought me a cat. He said if i would go, he would kill the cat and i couldn`t afford to feed him.
                      After a while he started to have some money trouble and i was able to get a job but money would go to his bank account.
                      But... i met a guy at work (it wasn`t my husband) and he helped me. He was gay. But a my birthday when i cried after he gave me a present he had question and i told him that no one remembered about my birthday.. I didn`t get a present for 5 years. And he found me job a job where they paid me in cash. In 4 month i collected enough to ran.. And i did. I ran away. I remember how i cried when i understood i could go out out of the house when i want. I remember the smell of fresh air.
                      And after a while i met my husband.
                      I trusted him, we fell in love.
                      I felt desire for the first time in a long time.

                      I wanted his touch, his kiss, i dressed up for him. He treated me well. He`s beautiful.
                      But then we started to have fights. Normal fights - money, food etc.
                      Then we got married. I was the happiest woman! He looked beautiful, he was crying..
                      Now i fell like dirt.
                      I won`t cheat, trust me. But.. all those dreams, all those desires... I want sex, i want feelings, i want kisses, but i can`t imagine them if it`s him...
                      We can`t afford therapy..
                      But.. I want those feelings we had in the begginging.
                      What changed? Money issues, fights...

                      We tried weekend getaways, sexy underwear, everything.. But i`d rather dream about someone else than him.
                      He listens to me, he tries to understand, he knows all that... but...
                      If i divorce him - it might happen again.
                      And he doesn`t want a divorce - he tells me he wants to try everything to work this out.
                      But i don`t know what it is....
                      He`s a friend but not a lover... I don`t know...
                      But it seems my years are going away again and it`s all wrong...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You need therapy to help you with what very well may be PTSD and very low self-worth caused by the bastard abuser you were with.

                        Until you come to terms with how you were treated and finally truly believe that you deserve a good man, you will likely keep searching for another abuser that will stimulate you because you think that is all you deserve.

                        Where do you live? Is there health care there that would cover your sessions? There is also online counseling available that is better than nothing that will be less costly.

                        It's a horrible situation you endured for far too long and it's taken its toll on your ability to respond to kindness and support and healthy interpersonal treatment.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                        Comment

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