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Long distance relationship problems/ advice appreciated!

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  • Long distance relationship problems/ advice appreciated!

    Hello. I've been with my BF for a little over 2 years and he's a bit younger than me. I'm 34 and he's 26. Last summer, he went to live home with his parents (4 hours away) to help maintain their vineyard that they own. He was only supposed to be there until September 2017. Here we are over a year later and he promised after he's done with harvest, he'll move out to me. I haven't seen him in three months because he was busy with harvest (he even canceled a trip to Santa Fe which hurt me, but I accepted that because he was helping his family). I find out the last 2 weekends he went hunting instead of coming to visit me (he knows I've been heartbroken and prioritized that over coming to visit which would have helped a lot). I tell him how hurt I am, but then I find out today, he's hunting for a 3rd weekend in a row! We fought about it, and I kind of gave him an ultimatum between coming to see me today or hunting. He said he didn't understand what he was doing wrong and said he wants to mend my heart and make things right with me, but not on my "deadline". He said he didn't like the position I put him in and that he would come here next weekend. He did end up going hunting. Sent me a text saying "I'm going to be off the grid for a few days, I love you". I love him so much, but he chose hunting over my healing. I also feel like this opens the door in the future to doing whatever he wants regardless of how it hurts me and without compromise. Should I ditch this guy? I've waited patiently as he's helped on the family farm and as he's been studying for the LSAT (he's taking it for the 5th time this month lol) so its kind of hard for me to also think I just invested 2 years for nothing. I just want some "outsider looking in perspective". Thanks so much everyone!
    Last edited by cogirl27; November 3rd, 2018, 09:32 PM.

  • #2
    cogirl27 He promised after he's done with harvest, he'll move out to you. Then he canceled a trip to Santa Fe. Then you found out without his telling you that the last 2 weekends were hunting weekends instead of visiting you. You've told him how hurt you were and then you found out that he's hunting yet again for the 3rd weekend in a row. He's obviously not thinking highly of you nor does he think you're important enough for him to give up one of his hunting weekends to visit his girlfriend. Sounds like he needs to grow up and hasn't matured yet. If he doesn't understand where he went wrong, he obviously lacks empathy and doesn't think of others. He's very selfish because all he wants is to enjoy his hunting weekend after weekend after weekend. You know how you rate. You are not top priority in his life.

    Next, he tells you that he'll be off the grid but loves you. That does not make sense. It's not love when he does not care about you nor does he care how you feel. Yes, this is giving you more than a glimpse of your future with him. You either accept his unacceptable behavior, have a very long in person discussion to discuss these issues and if you two cannot fix it, say good-bye.

    You need to ask yourself if you're willing to give him more chances, wish he'll change for you after discussing this with him or consider calling it quits if he's more apt to continue this same pattern of disregarding you time and time again in the future.

    I think he's not ready for a relationship because he doesn't act as a partner in a relationship. It's all about HIM. He's very immature, selfish, self-centered and acts like a boy; not a man. Or, he acts like a carefree teenager. He's very inconsiderate.

    I would ditch him but perhaps you're different and you want to hold out hope for him. I would ditch him but I'm not you.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      cogirl27 I no how it feels like when you want someone so badly and he/she is no where to be found, i can't jump into conclusion here and i can't say that he doesn't care about you. I think you need to understand him too by knowing what he's going through. Has he ever act funny to you before? Do you notice funny things about him before this? Don't put him in tight corner by giving him a very tough decision to make.
      I guess he still loves you but wanna sort out somethings for his old pals. Don't rush him, just be patient with him and if he's not responding, then you can do whatever you wish. Sometimes love hurts, we just gotta be a little bit more patient with our partner.
      that's my take on this...............

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      • #4
        Honey, it's hunting season now. You're obviously in the northern hemisphere. Yes, you waited since 2017 for him to get his ass to visit you but you also waited UNTIL HUNTING SEASON to go nuts on him. I'm afraid you are going to run the risk of sounding irritating to him, completely irrational and also very selfish. If hunting is something that he does with his family (as hunters often go out with friends and family), you also don't seem to understand his traditions or his hobbies very well.

        If he's irritating you so much, cut it off now before you get more annoyed with him. You really don't sound like you understand each other at all.

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        • #5
          Honestly, it doesn't sound like he really cares about the relationship. I doubt he will ever come to you. He knows how much he hurt you and still did the same thing again. Time to move on. You deserve sooo much better x

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