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  • Boyfriend on Vacation - No Contact for Over a Day

    My boyfriend, who I’ve only been with for about six months, is currently on vacation visiting his best friends. He left on Wednesday afternoon, called me later that evening to say he’d gotten there safely, and texted me a few times that night/the following day. That was honestly more communication than I had expected, and I was pleasantly surprised. This is the first time he’s gone away since we’ve been together, and I went into this determined to let him have his fun and his space. But now it’s been over 24 hours since my last text and I haven’t gotten a response, a call, or had any sort of contact with him.

    Very shortly into our relationship, we had a conversation after I hadn’t heard from him for about this long. I told him that checking in once a day was important to me, he agreed that he shouldn’t have “left me on read” and that it was a reasonable expectation, and he hasn’t done it again since. No drama, no defensiveness, no fighting. But, now here we are.

    Another reason I'm having a hard time accepting this is that his ex lives where he's vacationing. He told me a few months ago that he might end up meeting up with her while he’s there because she kept their dogs when they broke up, and he wanted to see them, which is completely reasonable. I appreciated that he ran it by me, and I would never stand in the way of him seeing his beloved pups. However, in the first few months we were together, he dropped her name a LOT. Once a week (at least) in contexts that didn’t really call for it. When I brought it up to him, he just said, “You’re right, I can see how that could make you uncomfortable,” and I haven’t heard her name again since. Once again, no drama, no defensiveness, no fighting, but I do know that they broke up on amicable terms and that the only thing missing from the relationship was “the spark,” which could easily be rekindled after a long absence. Aside from that, he's given me no reason I can think of to make me believe he'd cheat with her or anyone else, but I guess the concern here is that he did meet up with her and that this unusual lapse in communication is somehow linked.

    Do I have cause for concern? Should I be upset that the “rules” we set were broken, or are all bets off when he’s away? And should I reach out and shoot him a casual text just to check in, or should I back off, allow him to have his space, and wait for him to make contact?

  • #2
    What are you feeling compelled to do? Whatever that is, do the opposite.

    Relax, he'll likely call you soon. Either you trust him or you don't and if you don't then you have a shitty relationship so why stay in it?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Number1Boba View Post
      My boyfriend, who I’ve only been with for about six months, is currently on vacation visiting his best friends. He left on Wednesday afternoon, called me later that evening to say he’d gotten there safely, and texted me a few times that night/the following day. That was honestly more communication than I had expected, and I was pleasantly surprised. This is the first time he’s gone away since we’ve been together, and I went into this determined to let him have his fun and his space. But now it’s been over 24 hours since my last text and I haven’t gotten a response, a call, or had any sort of contact with him.

      Very shortly into our relationship, we had a conversation after I hadn’t heard from him for about this long. I told him that checking in once a day was important to me, he agreed that he shouldn’t have “left me on read” and that it was a reasonable expectation, and he hasn’t done it again since. No drama, no defensiveness, no fighting. But, now here we are.

      Another reason I'm having a hard time accepting this is that his ex lives where he's vacationing. He told me a few months ago that he might end up meeting up with her while he’s there because she kept their dogs when they broke up, and he wanted to see them, which is completely reasonable. I appreciated that he ran it by me, and I would never stand in the way of him seeing his beloved pups. However, in the first few months we were together, he dropped her name a LOT. Once a week (at least) in contexts that didn’t really call for it. When I brought it up to him, he just said, “You’re right, I can see how that could make you uncomfortable,” and I haven’t heard her name again since. Once again, no drama, no defensiveness, no fighting, but I do know that they broke up on amicable terms and that the only thing missing from the relationship was “the spark,” which could easily be rekindled after a long absence. Aside from that, he's given me no reason I can think of to make me believe he'd cheat with her or anyone else, but I guess the concern here is that he did meet up with her and that this unusual lapse in communication is somehow linked.

      Do I have cause for concern? Should I be upset that the “rules” we set were broken, or are all bets off when he’s away? And should I reach out and shoot him a casual text just to check in, or should I back off, allow him to have his space, and wait for him to make contact?
      If you care for him it shouldn't be a hard question for him to answer about what is going on.
      I don't understand, why it is so hard sometimes for people to just talk, even if the question may be difficult and with a little trust missing.
      You just say the truth and it's not a problem.
      I say to you, don't be afraid to ask serious questions.
      If you two are serious and he is serious about you, he shouldn't have any problems with answering all questions.
      Relationship+Lies=A Lot (More) Suffering

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Breakfast and Coffee View Post

        If you care for him it shouldn't be a hard question for him to answer about what is going on.
        I don't understand, why it is so hard sometimes for people to just talk, even if the question may be difficult and with a little trust missing.
        You just say the truth and it's not a problem.
        I say to you, don't be afraid to ask serious questions.
        If you two are serious and he is serious about you, he shouldn't have any problems with answering all questions.
        Relationship+Lies=A Lot (More) Suffering
        We HAVE discussed it. I guess that's where the root of my insecurity lies? He KNOWS I'm a little uneasy about his past with this girl, and he also knows how important a little contact on a daily basis is to me. I don't expect constant contact by any means-- a quick "Hey, I'm alive!" would suffice for the day, and I've done my best in the relationship to meet him halfway in terms of communication style, even if that means giving him more space than I'm used to giving. I don't want to impinge on his vacation time, nor do I want him to view our relationship as an obligation, but is it really a big deal that he take a few seconds out of his day to just meet me halfway? If he knows how much it means to me and he cares, wouldn't he want to do that? Or are a lot of guys really that one-track-minded that they genuinely just forget to consider things like that when they’re with their friends?

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        • #5
          Listen, he could contact you 10 times a day and still be cheating on you, so as Phases said, if you think he might cheat on you, then you have a shitty relationship. Just relax and give him the benefit of the doubt.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Number1Boba I don't think you have cause for concern. Cut him some slack. No, don't be upset if the rules were broken. No, don't shot him a text. Back off, give him space and wait for him to make contact. Keep in mind, texting back 'n forth is time consuming and it can become relentless in this cell phone age. Many people need a break from it otherwise it's endless and becomes a time trap. Sure, with people in my midst, we text, email, message or call each other but we know when it's excessive and there's a need to be reasonable. People need to give others space and time so they can get things done in their daily lives such as personal stuff, chores, errands, socializing, tasks, work, down time, family time, be with their pets and the like. Many people need a BREAK from their cell phones, computers, TV, radio, etc. otherwise it becomes a ball 'n chain. People want peace and quiet time. Some people are perceived as rather high maintenance and demanding.

            I love people in my sphere but we don't over do it with correspondence otherwise we burnout or tempers begin to flare; neither which are good.

            Since you're new to your relationship, as a woman (or for a man), what's very attractive is some independence, self confidence, high self esteem, enforced healthy boundaries and mystery. This is what allure is. You make yourself attractive by not being clingy and needy to others no matter who they are boyfriend or not. Never glom onto others. There are relationships and friendships worth retaining if you're your own person and have a life of your own outside those relationships and friendships. It makes you more interesting. Change the way you think because it will make you feel more secure within your own skin.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Now why in the holy fuck would he still need to see dogs from a previous relationship? These aren't children. And this would be a concern to me. His ties to his EX girlfriend should be cut, severed, over and done with and he should be moving on with you. Six months is new but it's also enough time for you to see for yourself whether this guy has his head stuck in the past or whether he is set on the future. To me, he's behaving out of line and he shouldn't be seeing his ex-gf over a couple of dogs he used to co-own. This is ridiculous.

              If you think it's reasonable however go ahead and put up with it. What's he going to do? Keep in contact with his ex-gf so that he can go over and visit in the delivery room if the dogs have pups? Give me a damn break.
              Last edited by Rose Mosse; November 4th, 2018, 03:23 AM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Now why in the holy fuck would he still need to see dogs from a previous relationship? These aren't children. And this would be a concern to me. His ties to his EX girlfriend should be cut, severed, over and done with and he should be moving on with you. Six months is new but it's also enough time for you to see for yourself whether this guy has his head stuck in the past or whether he is set on the future. To me, he's behaving out of line and he shouldn't be seeing his ex-gf over a couple of dogs he used to co-own. This is ridiculous.

                If you think it's reasonable however go ahead and put up with it. What's he going to do? Keep in contact with his ex-gf so that he can go over and visit in the delivery room if the dogs have pups? Give me a damn break.
                You're wrong. Dogs ARE children. They are not just pets to those that love them dearly. They are members of the family and they did belong to him too once. Only a dog lover would understand the bond you can have with your dog. For many they are our babies. You clearly have no love for animals.

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                • #9
                  Well, he hasn't seen the dogs for 6 months, so clearly he has learned to live without them.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    "why in the holy fuck" lol'd
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Curious...its been a few days since your post. Any word?

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                      • #12
                        Number1Boba I agree with Chanelle: be confident and independent, don't worry about this situation or texting him. He'll probably contact you when he gets the right moment. I bet he is caught up in visiting and activities.

                        I also agree with Rose that he shouldn't really need to see the dogs... I'd probably be a bit on edge with this situation too. But usually this edginess is insecurity. Don't let it get to you. I think the truth will come clear in the end. Just be patient and if you care about this relationship, have some trust. Give some space and also do your own thing! Go out and see friends or find an activity to distract yourself. You worrying over it isn't going to change things, so keep your cool.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

                          You're wrong. Dogs ARE children. They are not just pets to those that love them dearly. They are members of the family and they did belong to him too once. Only a dog lover would understand the bond you can have with your dog. For many they are our babies. You clearly have no love for animals.
                          As a dog lover, I have to agree with Rose.

                          I split with a partner after 4 years and having a dog together for 3 years.
                          I took full ownership of the dog. Pretty sure my ex missed the dog more than me lol.
                          But I can guarantee that my dog didn’t miss him. Not because the dog didn’t love him. But because dogs are very adaptable to new surroundings as long as they are loved.

                          My heart broke when that dog passed away several years later. My ex is unaware.

                          Co owning a pet is not a reason to stay in touch with an ex, it’s an excuse to.

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                          • #14
                            i was just miffed at the harsh way Rose spoke. I'm sorry about the loss of your pup Maggiemay4791. I know that pain. I lost mine a year and a half ago and i don't think the heartbreak will ever go away

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                            • #15
                              I've had three dogs. It was in no way a means of disrespect (my post earlier) but it's a wake up call and after one failed relationship with a shared dog, a child from a previous relationship and now my marriage, I think I have a right to say that dogs are NOT children. This OP is clearly not happy with the bf's behaviour in the first place and I think she's being too gentle about the matter regarding the dogs. He's completely entitled to speak to all his exes if he really wanted to and keep in touch with all his fur babies but it does NOT mean that the OP has to stand for it or agree with him. I would never accept that as an excuse. The main point is the OP's unhappiness - reason for this thread.

                              The other main point is his lack of communication and general spottiness. If his connecting with his ex is contributing to his spotty behaviour, that's a clear red flag. I don't care how many frogs, dogs, horses or parrots he has, he should be cleaning up his act before entering a new relationship.

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