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What a marriage- Please help me make sense out of this

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  • What a marriage- Please help me make sense out of this

    I am 29y old married to 35y old, we got married by end of 2016 and we have a happily 1-year-old. I decided to share my story today because i feel constantly the need to sit down and connect the dots. It started when i first got pregnant, although we were happy and enjoying the moment, somehow I noticed a drop in our intimacy life. When i asked him if everything was okay, he said that i looked different and he was afraid to put pressure on my belly or probably hurt the baby. i laughed it off and thought it was normal since this is our first experience. I was also reading articles of men going through a similar phase during pregnancy. Keep in mind, that i am the type of woman who's fit and who takes a good care of herself. Anyways 8 months later, i started resenting him for not touching me at all. After giving birth, which was a bit traumatizing and went down to the emergency c section, 3 months later we were both drained but that's when we also had our first sexual contact. We slowly started to adjust to the new life, I got a bit distracted with the baby but i kept my long conversation with him about his day, work, texting him our baby's photos, sending flirty msgs. I started to feel the need to seduce him while I didn't have to in the past. You might think that probably i had baby weight on. Well, believe it or not, i was among the lucky one who didn't struggle much about body change. It reached to a point i started initiating the sex till he clearly started rejecting me. He was telling me NO. I totally backed off since. I felt hurt and unwanted. Although he was always coming back to me hours later to apologize to explain how tired he is bla bla. But he committed to once a month. A year later, he went for a general check-up and Dr noticed that he has a low testosterone i believe it was around 195. He was mad at the results and got all emotional that day but i comforted him and said that sex doesn't really matter to me as long as he is healthy and that this is not something to be ashamed of, however, there are medicines and ways to repair the problem. He denied any sort of intervention, he said that he was fine and there must be an error in the result. If you ask me how did i survive without sex? plz let me admit my sin: i started watching porn and i make myself happy although it doesn't feel the same. He doesn't know about this of course because i don't want to hurt him.
    However, our relationship now is taking a different direction, now he started treating me like a fellow man living with him under one roof. Not a single beautiful word, no more loving texts, he started criticizing my look and the way I dress, he criticizes the way I walk or talk to strangers. He laughs at me when I don't know an answer of something. And he started sharing our problems with his brother. His brother literally told me that last weekend i didn't wash my dishes. (we went outside shopping for new furniture 2 days in a row. I told my husband that day to give me half an hour to clean up the kitchen and he said to leave it till we come back. Then he ended up telling his brother about it !! My house literally looks like those Instagram photos that you usually see, very clean and neat but 1 mistake and it all goes to his brother ( you know how it is with a crawling baby)
    Anyways, i feel confused because when everything is fine, he is the happiest man in the world, he can't stop telling me how lucky he is to have me and have our lil baby. But when we disagree he tells me how unhappy he is about our marriage and that things aren't going well. His brother also told me that he has never seen his brother this unhappy till he met me. I am not sure what does he tell him behind my back but i feel hurt and confused, i don't know who am i dealing with anymore. He doesn't want to discuss things and he is ignoring around the house. We are planning to celebrate our baby's 1st birthday this coming weekend and he is making feel so bad about it already.
    I went back to work earlier than maternity date just to keep myself busy and not lose control. I am very patient but if this continues, i don't mind dropping the D word. I am tired
    I asked my mother to come in from a different country to stay with us for few months in order to help us with the baby and that meanwhile i can get to focus on my marriage, i want to start taking him out and have fun. So my mom came in 2 weeks ago just to find this mess, and he is literally acting as a victim in front of her. My mom asked him when i wasn't home, what is our problem. He said that i don't respect him and i act as the man of the house !! not true either
    Last edited by Heather89; November 1st, 2018, 05:39 PM.

  • #2
    It sounds to me like there is a lot of resentment about the lack of intimacy during your pregnancy. Unfortunately you married a man who isn't comfortable with sex during pregnancy and you're going to have to accept that that is what happened and it's in the past. Yes, there are men like that (usually attributed to cultural or generational stupidity which is largely and thankfully not predominant in younger couples). I know you are still angry but that anger is hurting you most of all and you've already started distancing yourself from your baby. His lack of intimacy and that build up is causing a lot of resentment. Don't lose that connection with your child. It's nice of your mum to come over and help but you need to pull yourself together and stop pouting and throwing a tantrum. If you haven't already, I would also see a doctor about post-partum depression if you are having trouble bonding with your baby during this rollercoaster year. Your behaviour towards your child and your priorities don't sound normal to me. Masturbate if you have to, let your husband bitch and whine to his brother if he has to but you should never forget your first duty is to your child and nurturing that baby.

    On your husband's side, I'll tell you what I see: Your husband already feels a sense of guilt for 1) rejecting you and feeling differently about you when you were pregnant, 2) he can't reconcile or accept that he has lowered testosterone levels and 3) he may feel threatened by your mother showing up. He's reacted poorly in all these situations but you did marry him, didn't you? Start taking responsibility for your own actions and start to work smart with this man. Remember that this is your family. If you want this to work, you'll have to make it work and stop focusing solely on you and your itchy pussy. Yes, it is frustrating. Yes, he is ignorant. Yes, he is rude, demeaning, unloving at times and all those things that you find out about a person long term when you see the worst sides of each other through the years due to whatever health or life circumstances. Put this in perspective and don't take it so personally just because he doesn't want to have sex with you. He may have other serious problems you both don't know about. Don't forget about your baby. Go back to him/her and spend every moment you can with your mum because one day she won't be around too. Things with your husband will work out or they won't work out. That is for time to tell. For now stop making such a big deal out of everything (for your sake and your child's) and deal with what's most important. I believe if your husband really loves you and wants to make it work with you he will behave in that way. You'll both know whether it's going to work or not. You don't have to wait forever but at least pull yourself together for now and release yourself from all that anger and resentment from the past 2 years.

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    • #3
      His testosterone level is very low! 3 - 5 times lower than most men.
      So yes naturally his libido is low.
      He feels emasculated.

      Further to that , Iím guessing you sending pics of your baby and then flirty messages has caused him much confusion.
      The woman he once sexually desired is now a mother of a baby and in his mind itís wrong to think of you sexually.

      Calling your mother over to help has likely made him feel even more emasculated. As in he feels dismissed as a practical hands on father .

      Does he have any duties wrt your child? Bath time , feeding , bedtime stories etc?
      Or has he simply become a breadwinner?

      Comment


      • #4
        Heather89 it sounds like he's going through a tough time, some kind of crisis and all you mainly complain about is a lack of sex, then you say you are considering throwing a divorce at him? Talk about kicking a man when hes down! You should be understanding and be his rock. Go to counselling together and support him through it because you're making yourself sound rather selfish. It sounds like he feels rather pressured by you and rants to his brother. As Maggiemay4791 said, bringing your mother in has likely made him feel worse. It's normal for sex to die down a bit after having a new baby come into the house. You're both going to feel more tired than usual, it's expected, and with his libido being a little low it has brought him down more. I think you've pressured him a bit too much and if you continue to do so, he'll end up failing to perform at all.

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        • #5
          Rose Mosse Maggiemay4791 Dazed & Confused Thank you for your feedback, maybe i didn't speak much about my child because i was focusing on providing maximum details about my husband. I spent 10 months with my baby and my maternity leave period is 12 months. I do spend quality time with him daily and i leave early from work to catch up on him awake. My baby is my world, i never thought that my heart would extend to this much of love. I feel blessed having him and although my husband said yesterday that he doesn't want to do any activity with me related to the baby's 1st birthday. I am still celebrating it and taking him out to fun places. Nothing can take my eyes away from my child. I don't deny that i feel angry not only because of rejection but also for making me feel as if i am married on papers only. He was the one who asked if we could get my mom on board because we both want the baby to spend as much time at home before going to the Daycare.
          I am just trying to take care of my home, my child and live drama free. It drains me every time i go through the same conversation with him. He tends to have a new problem with me at least once a month. A year and a half ago, he was complaining about him gaining weight and not being attractive anymore, which is not true, i always make him feel wanted, i always give compliments about his look. Then later he started complaining about not caring about him because i was taking care of the newborn. Later, he started complaining about money, then finally exploded at his brother's house about me being picky with job applications while instead, i should just take any position. The good news, i did found the job i always wanted and got hired immediately. But i won't forget the anger he had towards me for being interviewed for 2 hours. I didn't expect it to be that long. I left the baby with him in the car so he started calling me while in the interview and i got nervous, i was afraid to ruin the interview but thank god it went well. Now, he complains about not being able to cook for him every day, although on the weekend we prepare a weekly meal so literally everything is ready in the fridge. Now his last complaint was that he started feeling as if i am becoming the man in the house. He said that i disrespected him when we took our child to the hospital and the nurse wanted to draw blood for an allergy test and she pocked his lil arm over 8 times and the baby was going crazy with the pain. So i told her to take it off because there is no need to keep pocking if she is not sure of the vein's place. So she said, well i know what i am doing and i said it doesn't look like plz call the doctor. My husband started apologizing to her !! i was looking at him, seriously !! so yea he thinks that I disrespected for speaking up.
          Overall, this looks to me as if he looking for a reason to end this because i shouldn't feel as if m walking on the eggshell. It feels as if I was lied to for past year and a half because there must be only 1 reason for his behavior but he kept convincing me that these above reasons are exactly the problem. I don't track his errors and he is absolutely nowhere to be perfect but i don't get mad at just anything. The only thing that bothers me is being rejected sexually and anything else is something not of a big deal and can easily be fixed. I am angry because i cannot understand what does he want from me? and why is he happy one day and sad in the following day? Why does he tell me how happy he is with his marriage then a few days later he tells me that i am not good enough? I am angry because i just started a new job and i am under 3 months probation, i am trying to prove myself and he is not even considering the amount of pressure i am going through. i am focusing on the bigger picture and he is stuck with details and small lil things.
          For sex, believe me i don't even ask him or get near him anymore, the last conversation i had with him about sex was back in july and that was it.

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          • #6
            Thanks for writing a bit more. I'm really sorry to hear about this and the pressure you must be going through. Does he work also? And if so what does he do for a living? Does he make enough to cover the expenses? I have another question: do you live with extended family (ie his brother)?

            This is not an ideal situation by any means but you're going to have to prioritize what matters most to you at this point. Instinctively you're going to want to focus on the areas that need fixing but I really don't think he wants that from you (not the sexual part anyway and fixing). When there's stress and issues at home, people rarely want to have sex. This is natural and it's not going to be helpful overly focusing on why he doesn't want to have sex with you. I am not saying that this is ok for you in the long term but I'm pointing out that expecting differently is just going to frustrate you more. You're focusing on the sexual aspect of your lives because you're irritated and your ego is bruised. He is and is continuing to reject you but you have to make that decision about whether you want to put that aside for now and focus on other issues or whether you want to keep focusing on that issue (the intimacy and sex) and continue frustrating yourself because this isn't going anywhere any time soon.

            Working smart means focusing on things that need your immediate attention combined with the greatest impact in your home life relieving stress on all parties (not adding to it). This is working smart, not working by the book. I know you want to work on the intimacy in your marriage but you cannot force someone to want you. What you can do is take care of yourself, release yourself from your frustration and resentment and anger and become a more peaceful person. You just cannot force someone to want you, like you or have sex with you. Just because you are married does not mean that you can demand sexual intimacy. He probably is very well going through some health issues related to lowered testosterone. Acknowledge his irritability and nonsense attitudes at times but don't get sucked into them. You know how to do this. From reading your words, I know you do and you have a much deeper sense of self and your world/family to overcome his mood swings.

            Let go and don't fixate on the sex. It will cause more tension. Do not let your new job go. Hang on to it and remain in control of some if not all of the finances. Make sure you remain financially independent or close to it.

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            • #7
              Heather89 Thank you for providing a clearer understanding of what you are going through .Sounds like he's having some sort of a breakdown. The news of his low libido and thrown him out of character and he has silently been unable to cope. He needs help. Seek some advice.

              Comment


              • #8
                Rose Mosse Thank you, i do feel the need to release some of the pressure and stress, i want to connect with my old friends and go out and have some fun. I just want to breathe And i will make sure to do that in the next few days. In terms of your questions, yes he does work full time, he is in banking and i am into real estate development. I make more than him but we have a joint account so we just combine the two salaries and pay off expenses. Even when i was on maternity leave, i used to receive bi-weekly deposits from employment insurance. We don't live in an extended family house, his brother is married and has two kids and lives 20 mnts away from us.
                i no longer care about getting intimate with him, i regularly watch porn and i feel guilty about it but that's enough for me for now. I cannot cheat but i can wait around and see how will things turn out.
                For work, i am doing my best to keep myself together and the funny yesterday he told me that it is because of him that i got this job offer. I have no idea what is he talking about but not sure why i felt some envy from his words. He doesn't look happy about the flexibility i have at work.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Dazed & Confused that's what i assumed that it could be this mid 30's crisis aswell with his hormones imbalance. I suggested that we get help but he refused and thinks he's fine.

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                  • #10
                    Heather89 of course he will refuse and insist he's fine, but hes clearly now. Maybe you seek some advice on his behalf. Neither of you can continue the way are. It'll only get worse.
                    Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 2nd, 2018, 02:23 PM.

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                    • #11
                      Heather, of course he wouldn't (look happy). He works at a bank. This means that he's working for a corporation that's more interested in making money/profits than it is in servicing in its clients as a general rule. If he's a financial advisor he's working with sales targets that are likely far beyond his control and often unrealistic, set not at the branch level but at the provincial and national exec level. Advisors often work beyond the regular banking hours just to make their minimum weekly sales targets and this often means cold-calling customers to update accounts. It's nothing but a glorified salesman job. If he works for wealth management or in mortgages he's doing the same thing but he may have an assistant doing the menial jobs for him. If he's unhappy working at a bank like I was and he already has a business degree or wants another professional designation, he needs to work for what he wants and go back to school part time. You cannot bandaid his unhappy face all the time because he has a shitty job. I'm happy for you that you have excelled and continue to do well in your career in real estate. Keep on going and I am proud of you.

                      Regarding your marriage, I think the dust will settle eventually. People generally dislike change and see change as a threat to preconceived ideas of stability and status quo. Let the dust settle and ride this one out. Spend time with your loved ones and remain neutral towards him.

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                      • #12
                        Heather89 Your husband was right to apologise to the nurse. I work in pathology and babies are tricky to draw blood from at the best of times. Your baby was crying but not from pain. The nurse was finding the best vein and only poked so many times in order to only have to insert the needle once. Sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing
                        Doctors are in general the worst blood collectors, you know why? Because they have never been trained to.

                        It sounds to me like you have become overbearing in your role as a mother that you have neglected your other roles in life.
                        And you have with that diminished your husbands role as a father and husband.
                        Iím not surprised he is lost.

                        Yes sure having a child is time consuming but you need to realise there are two parents.
                        Maybe next time your child needs to see a Dr, let your husband go alone with the child .
                        Why both of you needed to go is beyond me?

                        And why you would bring your child and husband to an interview also seems bizarre to me. Itís almost as if you donít trust your child with its own father! Do you?
                        If you get divorced that would have to change once you have split custody.

                        If you really care that much of your child you would put more effort into preserving your marriage to its father.

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                        • #13
                          Maggiemay4791 Thank you for your response, but i might disagree that baby veins are just small and not tricky at all, it was a matter of training quality and experience. I am saying this because in the hospital I delivered in, this situation happened where my son was abit jaundice and they had the drawn blood from him, They actually told me to breastfeed him first which pumped up his veins then they massaged his arm with a lubricant then it took 1 single poke. they had to do the same thing the next day and they pocked his ankle this time because they said that his arm is already hurting from the previous needle. However, this hospital's nurse pocked him 8 times in one arm then she pocked 3 times in the second arm. This tells me a lot. I am an adult and i bet it would hell hurt me being pocked 8 times.
                          Even my husband doesn't think i have become overbearing as a mother, because i am the only one who feeds the baby, prepare his meals, change diapers and get him to bed. My husband only gets to play with him for a few mnts because " he always says he's tired ". BTW, if you have ever been a mother and applying for work. you would have understood why i took them to an interview with them. First, you get an interview till last mnt, i can't leave my baby with anybody that i know because they are all at their own job plus I don't have a family where i am, even if i was going to arrange a stranger babysitter, i would be worried still because i haven't had a chance to try this yet. My husband took a morning off in order to take me to the interview, which also means we have to take the baby with us. And that location was near his work so it is better for him to drop me off and wait for me there instead of waiting for me to go back all the way to home after the interview.
                          I care about my baby and my marriage of course, but i am not the one who picks fights in here. I barely complain but when i do it has to be something worth it. I don't go around making him feel less than a man. But he said it last night that i am less than a woman.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Heather89 View Post
                            Maggiemay4791 Thank you for your response, but i might disagree that baby veins are just small and not tricky at all, it was a matter of training quality and experience. I am saying this because in the hospital I delivered in, this situation happened where my son was abit jaundice and they had the drawn blood from him, They actually told me to breastfeed him first which pumped up his veins then they massaged his arm with a lubricant then it took 1 single poke. they had to do the same thing the next day and they pocked his ankle this time because they said that his arm is already hurting from the previous needle. However, this hospital's nurse pocked him 8 times in one arm then she pocked 3 times in the second arm. This tells me a lot. I am an adult and i bet it would hell hurt me being pocked 8 times.
                            Even my husband doesn't think i have become overbearing as a mother, because i am the only one who feeds the baby, prepare his meals, change diapers and get him to bed. My husband only gets to play with him for a few mnts because " he always says he's tired ". BTW, if you have ever been a mother and applying for work. you would have understood why i took them to an interview with them. First, you get an interview till last mnt, i can't leave my baby with anybody that i know because they are all at their own job plus I don't have a family where i am, even if i was going to arrange a stranger babysitter, i would be worried still because i haven't had a chance to try this yet. My husband took a morning off in order to take me to the interview, which also means we have to take the baby with us. And that location was near his work so it is better for him to drop me off and wait for me there instead of waiting for me to go back all the way to home after the interview.
                            I care about my baby and my marriage of course, but i am not the one who picks fights in here. I barely complain but when i do it has to be something worth it. I don't go around making him feel less than a man. But he said it last night that i am less than a woman.
                            There are so many things wrong with everything you just said. Firstly, you are not a nurse or a doctor so you cannot pass comment on their job. They work hard to take care of ppl and you were out of order and rude toward that poor nurse.
                            How do you know your husband doesn't find you overbearing? Has he said so? He clearly does seeing as he's complaint to his brother a lot about you. You have complained ALOT.
                            You are the only that feeds and changes your baby? I would NOT let my husband get away with that. He should be doing these these too to establish that bond. Seems like he is not connected to your baby because of this. I get the feeling that you didn't want him to feed or change him because you wanted full control over taking care of him.
                            Why did the come and wait outside while you were in an interview? Why didn't they stay at home? Clearly the baby got restless and bored and I'm not surprised if he was stuck in a car for over an hour.
                            Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 3rd, 2018, 07:31 AM.

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                            • #15
                              Dazed & Confused I am sorry but you sound more rude to me than my own reaction to the nurse. Please read my post's title, i am here to get some feedback on how to figure out this stage of marriage and if it is common or not. I was trying to connect with experienced married people who can speak from experience. I didn't expect that people here are actually allowed to throw random accusations and assumptions. You have the right to ask questions as Rose Mosse did in order to understand the situation better but all that you did in your last comment was making awful assumptions.

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