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Not wanting to hear about his past sexual relationships

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  • Not wanting to hear about his past sexual relationships

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, and we don't fight much. The only thing that seems to be a recurring issue is that I really don't like hearing about his previous sexual relationships. He's told me that I am being controlling and censoring him, but this is only thing that I ask him not to talk about with me.

    At first I wouldn't say anything when he would talk about it, but eventually I sort of broke down and got really upset over it one night. He's been much better about not bringing it up now, but every so often it still happens. I definitely should have said something earlier, but I was really trying hard to not make a big deal about it in the beginning.

    It does not bother me at all if someone I am seeing has a history with others, if anything I would expect it of someone our age (both in our 30's), but I really don't need or want to know about it, and I especially don't want to hear details. The thought of talking about sex with a past partner I've had with a current partner makes my stomach churn. I don't do it and certainly don't feel comfortable doing so. Talking about sex from a general standpoint doesn't bother me at all, I just don't want to know with whom or when or whatever else, especially when that person is still friends with the majority of the people they've been with.

    Is it weird to not want to know about this stuff? I have looked around for advice, and most places indicate that the opposite, that wanting to know your partners history in detail is worse or more of a red flag, but in a way I feel like he has a point, that I am censoring him in some way.

    I don't want to be a terrible girlfriend, so if this isn't normal I will try to work on my issues. In that case, any advice regarding that is appreciated.

  • #2
    It's inappropriate, yes. Unless you're both talking about it openly and within reason, there's no reason to bring it up. My guess is that he's insecure or probably lost his virginity yesterday (this is a joke). Someone who's confident around women doesn't talk about women that way and someone who respects you and loves you would not treat you in the way he is. I'd make light of his descriptions next time he decides to tell you how many times he made someone else cum or whatever flavour condom he's tried before in 1999. Tell him having his dick right here is all that matters and then pinch his nipples if he looks confused.


    • #3
      There's not right or wrong on this issue. However, it is a matter of respect. If you've made it abundantly clear that you are uncomfortable or not interested in hearing about his history and he persists, then he is being disrespectful of your feelings. Period. It is not controlling or censoring to ask him to respect your wishes.

      Now if he just likes to talk about sex much more than you and feels you are asking him to change who he is and what subjects he likes to discuss, then you're really not compatible and should split. Staying with him while trying to get him to be someone he isn't would be controlling.

      An important question to ask yourself is why his choice of discussion bothers you. It would also help him to understand. Does it make you feel inadequate? Does it sound like what he's really trying to do is get you to do things you don't want to do? Does it feel like an invasion of privacy? Does it make you jealous? Does it lower your respect for him? Does it change your perception of him? Etc. Etc.

      Knowing why it bothers you can help you explain it to him in a way that might motivate him to make some changes.


      • #4
        You didn't really disclose what exactly he's saying about his previous girlfriends and hookups but my guess is that he's either trying to make you do something you don't like (anal, bj, etc) or he has some confidence issues he's trying to project. Either way, you should sit together and talk about it openly. Ask him why he feels the need to share his memories of other girls with you and is he missing something?

        The fact that it bothers you is normal. When you talk about girls he's been with, you cannot help but imagine them together and this would feel painful to anybody. Explain this to him, I think he'd feel the same way if you were bragging about a guy who fucked you with his 11" D-ck last summer.