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He's unhappy but won't admit it

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  • He's unhappy but won't admit it

    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and half years. I love him a lot and we have been through ups and downs together and come out the other side. For a bit of background I'm 29 and he's 34. we met online and live about 10 miles away from each other. I live in my own flat which I got 2 years ago. I did ask him to move in with me but he said he had financial issues and he wants to stay in his own town rather than relocate to where I live. He still lives at home. We agreed that he would spend some time sorting out his finances and then we would move in together somewhere in the middle if that makes sense. So two years passed and I started to get a bit impatient as he hasnt done much to sort things out. We had a bit of an argument and he told me to leave him if it was that bad. I don't want to leave him but I am also thinking I want to settle down have kids etc which is difficult when you live apart.

    We made it up and things went back to being ok. A few weeks ago however he started to become really quiet. He comes over and just sits and doesn't make conversation or want to do anything. I make suggestions but he's not interested. He isn't warm towards me, he basically doesn't show any interest in me until he wants to have sex. He goes to bed early and sleeps A lot at the weekend (which is when we spend most of our time together). I've tried asking him if he's ok, if he wants to talk etc which is met with him snapping and saying hes fine. Interestingly though when I go to his house he's much more chatty with me.

    I'm worried he's depressed but he won't seek help for this. He's been depressed before a few years ago and we nearly split up because he just completely cut me off and wouldn't get help. I want to help him but at the same time it's making me miserable spending my days off sitting in silence or by myself because he's sleeping and also thinking what is the future going to be if he can't make steps to move forwards

    Any advice would be helpful thanks
    Last edited by Mary_s; October 12th, 2018, 07:21 PM.

  • #2
    Tell him that you are finding his moods too difficult to deal with, and that if he's depressed he needs to get help for it or you can't see yourself continuing with this relationship.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      You're dating a 34 year-old man who lives with his parents, can't handle his finances, is unmotivated to get his act together, is depressed, and unwilling to get help.

      How do you think this is going to work out in the long run? I'll tell you...

      You'll end up supporting and mothering a 40 year-old man (along with his children) who won't marry you and expects you to do it all he falls deeper into helplessness. You'll feel guilty, resentful, and frustrated as he continues to fail you and your children.

      Never, ever, ever stay with men based on the hope that they will change.

      You have goals you are working toward. Find someone worthy of you.


      • #4
        Mary_s, Itís easy for women to judge men. However, womanhood is not predicated on financial stability. A big part of manhood is based on financial stability. Itís an unspoken pressure placed on men, as seen by comments here.

        At the same time that financial stability is a manís job, responsibility for making sure a woman is happy is also placed on men. The fact of the matter is no one can make another happy. Nevertheless, society teaches boys all the things we should do for women. On the other hand, there is little to no responsibility placed on women for what she is to do for a man. (Donít mention sex. Thatís mutual.) While it is a huge missing conversation in US society, men are still disturbed by it. To make matters worse, a man is seen as complaining if he makes demands of a woman to be responsible for his happiness.

        Therefore, if a woman wants more than a content and complacent relationship, it would be in her best interest to make sure the man is fulfilled in the relationship. Ask him if he is fulfilled. Ask if he could change something about you, what would that be. Ask if he is withholding something. Ask what he needs from you that he doesnít get. Ask what you do that he no longer wants you to do.

        These kinds of conversations should never end if you want marriage and a family. Marriage has become a huge risk for men. In fact, unless a man wants children, there are no benefits for him in marriage. There are many risks though. Everything the average woman offers in marriage a man can get if he is single.

        Make sure you man is getting what he needs. Then deliver more than that.