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Are we done? Need some understanding

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  • Are we done? Need some understanding

    My girlfriend and I have been dating 1.5 years and we moved in together late last year. She is active military and was deployed a few months ago and is about halfway done with her deployment (our first deployment together). We ended the lease when she deployed so I moved back with my family so we could both save money for a down payment. We're both late 20s.
    I am taking care of everything on the homefront because she's gone (her dogs included).
    We have had our relationship ups and downs she was a bit more distant before she deployed, but things were great between us after she first left. We'd email and talk on the phone when we could and send mutual "I love yous" "miss yous" and plan things when she got back.

    She's on a ship so our communication is fairly limited, she only gets small chances during the day to contact. She would always tell me about everything: issues with her friends, coworkers, plans.
    Now this past few weeks she's been really cold to me, not replying, no more I love yous and I just feel like a friend. She blamed ship network problems for why she couldn't reach me but she logs into facebook fine and can chat there.
    Her overall tone has changed and now she just messaged me about moving somewhere farther than we agreed as she likely knows I won't move that far from my family/work/friends. Seems like she wants to live not together anymore when she comes back and I feel like the end of us is coming.
    I don't understand, but I know she needs me to take care of her dogs so I can imagine she'd just string me along until she didn't need me anymore.

    I just replied to her asking what's up with everything and that I'm not ok with her going cold on me all of the sudden and making these living plans without me.

    Overall I love her and want her but she just has been so distant and feel the end is coming. If she doesn't want to be with me then I need to move on with my life.
    Any advice on how to handle this or similar experiences?

  • #2
    She's deployed and she's busy and she won't have the time talk to you like you were just down the street.

    If you're on facebook when she is does she ignore your contact?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


    • #3
      I think this is a question for her when you see each other next. Sorry that you're going through all this confusion. Ride it out and have fun with the dogs, spend time with your family as you're living with them. If someone doesn't want to be with you and makes you feel underappreciated (truly), you should be thanking your lucky stars it's happening before other life's entanglements have happened. You're in a pretty good place with your family(go ahead and save up). I understand you're disappointed and feel very let down but don't let this mediocre relationship stop you from living your life in the meantime.


      • #4
        Perfectly understand that she is busy alot. Her schedule is sporadic where she may be busy all day for days and always lets me know beforehand. On her slow weeks it may just be a half days work then they're free.
        We don't really chat on facebook, only when I wasn't hearing from her in email to see if her email was down. Our only IM we have done is texting when she's on the computer using google voice, we haven't texted in a month.
        Most all communication is on email or if she has a port visit, then we talk a bit but even with her port visits we've only had like a 20minute call. I'm fine with that because she needs the little escapes she can get and I don't want to bother her.

        When I messaged her about her email being down, she say connection was bad and not getting emails, but I got mail from her. Sent her a birthday mail and others that I didn't here back from. It could have been legitimately down but IDK.
        She'll do things like " call you today or tomorrow" and never call, which i can understand if something came up but it does frustrate me. She has a port visit tomorrow so I'm really curious on clearing the air.


        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          I think this is a question for her when you see each other next. Sorry that you're going through all this confusion. Ride it out and have fun with the dogs, spend time with your family as you're living with them. If someone doesn't want to be with you and makes you feel underappreciated (truly), you should be thanking your lucky stars it's happening before other life's entanglements have happened. You're in a pretty good place with your family(go ahead and save up). I understand you're disappointed and feel very let down but don't let this mediocre relationship stop you from living your life in the meantime.
          Thank you. She's someone who changes her mind all the time but I just need to focus on my happiness for now.


          • #6
            Update, heard from her today after asking her what's up with everything.
            She explained her living plans changes as she doesn't like being far from her friends and feels too bored where we were.
            She said nothing is bothering her specifically and she's "trying to figure things out"
            Brought up some things about my personal habbits that we've had conflict before about that she has a problem with.
            The night before she left, we got in a fight and she brought that up.

            I replied with how I feel about the moving living location situation and I feel we can compromise on that to our best interests. I'm not totally against her reasoning or what she wants.
            I apologized about the fight we had before she left (she said she was thinking about it a lot) and acknowledged the concerns about me.
            I finished my email saying I loved her, let me know when she figures things out, and hope to hear from her soon.

            So I guess the ball is in her court to get back to me, but I don't think our relationship is over with unless I'm wrong?
            I thought that we had moved on from the fight we had. I never apologized for it before because I thought things were fine so I wonder why she brought that up?


            • #7
              I think she's rude. Generally people don't leave others hanging like that when you have a shared space. I also think her behaviour is unacceptable (personally). It's unthinkable that someone would expect another person to put up with this bs regardless of whether that person is on a ship, on vacation, working overseas, living in another city, has different schedules etc. If you say you are going to call, you call. You don't just not call and pretend nothing happened or as if it's okay. She's stringing you along and instead of cutting you loose and respecting you (and discussing the welfare of the pets/dogs and an alternate situation for them), she's using you blatantly. Nowhere in this mess am I reading that she's genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship or a future with you. She's more concerned about being from her friends and keeping boredom at bay.

              A woman who is truly satisfied with you and the relationship wouldn't feel bored in the first place (alone with you). Someone who's also confident in his or her ability to work, play, entertain themselves and has realistic goals they're working towards will also have no shortage of shit to do to feel tickled/entertained/fulfilled. She doesn't have her head screwed on straight and she's not certain about you at all. You mentioned that she has issues about your personal habits to add to the other issues. She's just not into you. I don't think she has anything to "figure out". She's already figured it out but her balls don't equal what she has to do. Therefore she can talk but she can't walk the walk. Is this seriously the type of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with (or any amount of time with)?

              If you apologized once, don't apologize again especially if you haven't repeated the same mistake. If she drags you over the coals constantly, this is not playing fair in a relationship. Don't ever apologize for something more than once and don't let someone treat you that way where you are constantly apologetic. It creates a cycle of negativity and very deep resentment. Your relationship is over because of her behaviour and because you two aren't compatible. You can decide to hang on until you get a definitive answer from someone who seems incapable of giving one (meaning wait forever for an answer that may never come) or you can collect your self-respect and move on without this woman.


              • #8
                I think you are right Rose. I shouldn't have to put up with this anymore. I'm going to wait for her response to my last message and i think I'll break up and move on with my life unless she makes a turnaround.


                • #9
                  Triceps, This is one of the challenges of our society. Women are granted the right to change their mind with no regard for the manís life or his feelings. Then they feel entitled to come back and say ďI made a mistake. Get over it and letís move on.Ē Yet, a man is seen as immature for doing the same.

                  At the same time, everyone really does have the right to change their mind. They simply have to be aware of consequences. If she believes there are no consequences with you, she will have you running and jumping in any direction she wants, even if it makes no sense. At some point, you will have to put your foot down.

                  However, from your story, you donít have all the facts or you left some things out. She may be legitimately busy on the ship. And your fight may be been something you generated. My only concern with fights is that women tend to create problems and then pretend to be the victim. That is something you cannot tolerate. That is a form of manipulation and will allow her to never take responsibility. Hence, you get a woman who changes her mind with no concern for others.

                  Putting your foot down does not mean you disrespect her. Itís kind of like you have nothing to lose. And you are prepared to lose it all if you really want to have it all.

                  You can firmly and politely tell her that she has the right to change her mind anytime she wants. And you are sorry to hear that her life with you is so boring. However, at this point in your life, you are looking for consistency. Tell her that you will never allow yourself to be led by someone who changes their mind whenever the wind changes direction. Furthermore, if she is easily bored, it may be that she is the boring person. If, on the other hand, she can consistently commit and build a life together, you are ready to do that with her. If she does not want that, she should immediately make arrangements to have someone take care of her dogs. You would prefer they go their separate ways without lingering memories.

                  If you are firm, she will have to show her cards. If you too are wishy washy, you are made for one another.


                  • #10
                    Definitely agree with what you're saying Yoda. I have such an easy going personality so I let little things slide. My work, finances, and activities are all going great in my life so I've become too easy. She only works 5hr days on the ship unless they are doing training which she's busy for a few days. She did mention in her last email about wanting to be happy with everything in her life including us. She won't see my message for another day or two because her mail is unavailable but I'll make my intentions clear.


                    • #11
                      Update on things. I finally heard from her last night with a message just asking if i got the dog food she ordered.
                      I stood up for myself telling her things are not going to workout with this lack of communication and how rude/immature she was for keeping blowing me off. And, that we shouldn't continue being together if she doesn't change.

                      She completely blew up. Expressed everything she thought was wrong by me and a lot of examples where she felt unappreciated. And, that she didn't want to continue the way things were going.
                      I acknowledged everything she laid out and stuck to my guns on things that were still out of line by her. She tried making excuses even though the bottom line is that she would have reached out if she cared.

                      She sent me another long follow up after I asked her to tell me more. She went on about a couple other things and gave me options of where she would like to live.
                      I am sticking to my guns of a defined area I'm ok with to compromise and it is selfish of her if she is unwilling to compromise. She asked me what I think about all that she said.
                      I sent her an email of a few places that I am ok with and to tell me what she thinks and if we cannot agree, then it is best we go our separate ways.

                      I think it really took me to finally step up to get this sinking ship on its way above water, but there is still work to do.
                      She is a very attractive woman and can get any guy she wants. I'm guessing standing up shows masculinity and breaks down her barriers. She's also super emotional where I am very calm.
                      I feel great now and I am fine walking away from this woman as I know that if she cares, she will stay with me. Not looking for someone who doesn't care.


                      • #12
                        triceps I think you are both in a tough situation. For her, it's very easy to get wrapped up in life on the ship when you are away. I've been in a similar sort of situation, and it's very easy to lose touch with people back home. If she does truly care about the relationship and miss you like she should, she will make the effort.

                        It is a little difficult to say when we don't know what the argument was about etc., but whatever happens you should keep yourself busy and focus on yourself. I think it is more challenging to be the "one left behind", and therefore leaves a lot of space to overthink situations or worry. Tell her how you are feeling, if you can get to a point where you are both on the same page, the relationship can be salvaged. Be firm but fair in your side, and if she doesn't seem willing to consider your feelings, maybe it is time to walk away.