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Discovering wife's history has made me feel I've missed out...

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  • Discovering wife's history has made me feel I've missed out...

    So, while at a dinner party with friends, I learned that my wife of 14 years had a threesome in her youth. That discussion led to the discovery of experiences during her "party years". I was surprised to learn that she had way more partners than I thought, more than I did, and that only 5 were serious relationships. I'm not judging her, in fact it's made me realize how little I've experienced and has me wanting to do some of those things now (I'm 50). She is not interested in "going back there". I joke about her throwing me into a mid-life crisis, but some of these questions are really bothering me.
    1. She made a list of the guys she slept with years ago ( not sure why) though doesn't remember the names of quite a few ( not all 1 night stands, either). Is that normal??
    2. I remember the names and most details of all 15 women I've been with. She remembers almost no details. Is that normal? Some seem to be very significant times (losing her virginity, most memorable sex, guy with a large penis-doesnt remember anything there, but remembers the small penis guy. No details about the threesome), you see what I mean?
    3. She has shared the details she knows reluctantly, but when I explained to her my knowing is better than not knowing, she's been more forthcoming. She can't even remember timelines of when she was with whom, and for how long. Her response is always, " A few months".
    5. I'm happy to hear from all, but women especially...is this normal?

  • #2
    I don't think it's normal for you to want to know the sordid details of your wife's past sexual relationships and you haven't learned to curb that interest. It seems to have become now an obsession. I think you're running a very high chance of hurting your marriage and hurting your wife the more you continue asking questions. We all have a past and mistakes that we've lived past. Why are you so interested in the threesome act? Is this a fantasy of yours?

    Comment


    • #3
      I think most women know that their partner doesn't want to hear her flaunt and talk about her old flames. I don't think women appreciate when men do this either about exes. I know you've said you'd rather know than not know - but to what avail? If you two have a generally healthy and loving relationship, don't dwell too much on the past. You can simply say, "It hurt me when I found out I didn't know some of your background - I wish I had known more sooner." But I wouldn't press into too much if you can handle it, because she loves you and is with you now. Some things are meant to stay in the past. If you really need to know to move forward in trust and relationship with her, then ask her again and tell her it would mean a lot - but if she doesn't remember, she doesn't remember - and that's probably a good sign that she isn't still thinking much about it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Rick from LI View Post
        So, while at a dinner party with friends, I learned that my wife of 14 years had a threesome in her youth. That discussion led to the discovery of experiences during her "party years". I was surprised to learn that she had way more partners than I thought, more than I did, and that only 5 were serious relationships. I'm not judging her, in fact it's made me realize how little I've experienced and has me wanting to do some of those things now (I'm 50).
        Why does what your wife did before you two married make YOU want to have superficial sexual relations with strangers? I'm surprised that you would want to experience that in this day and age of peoples gennies falling off due to sexually transmitted couties.

        She is not interested in "going back there". I joke about her throwing me into a mid-life crisis, but some of these questions are really bothering me.
        But really, why? Is your sex life with her not worth a shit or something?


        1. She made a list of the guys she slept with years ago ( not sure why) though doesn't remember the names of quite a few ( not all 1 night stands, either). Is that normal??
        Well, who's to say what is "normal?" What is for one, may not be for another. I myself, in my youth made a list of all the men I'd slept with because someone asked me my number and I needed to write them down so I could count. (for ME... I didn't tell the person questioning me as it was none of his business).
        2. I remember the names and most details of all 15 women I've been with. She remembers almost no details.
        Was she drunk during the encounters? Were there a lot of one night stands? If there were, then it would explain why she draws a blank.
        Some seem to be very significant times (losing her virginity, most memorable sex, guy with a large penis-doesnt remember anything there, but remembers the small penis guy. No details about the threesome), you see what I mean?
        Like I said, was she stoned? I think more times then not, these types of debauchery happen when there is drink/drugs involved to some extent. You can't imagine how many posts we read where the young person starting the thread was "black out" drunk and did things they wouldn't dream of doing when sober.
        3. She has shared the details she knows reluctantly, but when I explained to her my knowing is better than not knowing,
        You are a stickler for punishment then?

        she's been more forthcoming. She can't even remember timelines of when she was with whom, and for how long. Her response is always, " A few months".
        Probably fuck buddies and they petered out after a couple of months.
        5. I'm happy to hear from all, but women especially...is this normal?
        Like I said... for some women it will be the norm. For others it will not be.

        I suggest you let it go and leave it in the past where it belongs. You wanting that kind of sexual promiscuity now that you are married is what's not normal (IMNSHO).
        If your marriage is good, if your sex life is rocking then don't rock the boat.

        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          She can't 'remember' because it's actually none of your business and she feels uncomfortable discussing the details with you.
          She probably worries that going into the dirty details will change the dynamic between you and from what I can see, she's probably right. You don't seem to be handling it very well.

          Stop digging in her past. You've been together for 14 years and it's never mattered before. She was always the same person, you just didn't know about stuff she did before meeting you. So stop obsessing over it and move on.
          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rick from LI View Post
            So, while at a dinner party with friends, I learned that my wife of 14 years had a threesome in her youth. That discussion led to the discovery of experiences during her "party years". I was surprised to learn that she had way more partners than I thought, more than I did, and that only 5 were serious relationships. I'm not judging her, in fact it's made me realize how little I've experienced and has me wanting to do some of those things now (I'm 50). She is not interested in "going back there". I joke about her throwing me into a mid-life crisis, but some of these questions are really bothering me.
            1. She made a list of the guys she slept with years ago ( not sure why) though doesn't remember the names of quite a few ( not all 1 night stands, either). Is that normal??
            2. I remember the names and most details of all 15 women I've been with. She remembers almost no details. Is that normal? Some seem to be very significant times (losing her virginity, most memorable sex, guy with a large penis-doesnt remember anything there, but remembers the small penis guy. No details about the threesome), you see what I mean?
            3. She has shared the details she knows reluctantly, but when I explained to her my knowing is better than not knowing, she's been more forthcoming. She can't even remember timelines of when she was with whom, and for how long. Her response is always, " A few months".
            5. I'm happy to hear from all, but women especially...is this normal?
            I don't believe you're doing yourself and good. Leave past as is. And it's really a stupid idea to talk about intimacy at shared table! Lets not do that anymore, not you and your wife and not me and mine.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              I don't think it's normal for you to want to know the sordid details of your wife's past sexual relationships and you haven't learned to curb that interest. It seems to have become now an obsession. I think you're running a very high chance of hurting your marriage and hurting your wife the more you continue asking questions. We all have a past and mistakes that we've lived past. Why are you so interested in the threesome act? Is this a fantasy of yours?
              Thanks, but not a helpful response. You didn't answer my question about her memory. You also made a huge, incorrect leap about this being an obsession. It is not, it's just conversation (I have these a lot with my close M &F friends). Also, why mention mistakes? She has indicated to me that only one time felt like a mistake to her.

              Yes the threesome has been a fantasy of mine since a near experience in college, but I just figured they don't really happen. Now I know someone who has actually done it, so it has stirred that up.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by ArtsyAngel63 View Post
                I think most women know that their partner doesn't want to hear her flaunt and talk about her old flames. I don't think women appreciate when men do this either about exes. I know you've said you'd rather know than not know - but to what avail? If you two have a generally healthy and loving relationship, don't dwell too much on the past. You can simply say, "It hurt me when I found out I didn't know some of your background - I wish I had known more sooner." But I wouldn't press into too much if you can handle it, because she loves you and is with you now. Some things are meant to stay in the past. If you really need to know to move forward in trust and relationship with her, then ask her again and tell her it would mean a lot - but if she doesn't remember, she doesn't remember - and that's probably a good sign that she isn't still thinking much about it.
                First, thank you for a very helpful answer, without assumptions or judgement!
                The reason to know, is that not knowing, my mind goes to some weird places. For example, when I first learned about her 3some, I began to assume it was like a porn-version (with no experience of my own), which she explained it wasn't, so that was very helpful. Also, how often did this happen? Just the one time, also very helpful. The other direction my mind took was, how did it happen / get started? I tried for years and couldn't, it's very curious to me.

                We've been talking a bit more, and she's been very understanding. I'm still curious, it's it strange to not remember significant experiences like losing her virginity, etc. As I originally mentioned?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                  Why does what your wife did before you two married make YOU want to have superficial sexual relations with strangers? I'm surprised that you would want to experience that in this day and age of peoples gennies falling off due to sexually transmitted couties.

                  But really, why? Is your sex life with her not worth a shit or something?


                  Well, who's to say what is "normal?" What is for one, may not be for another. I myself, in my youth made a list of all the men I'd slept with because someone asked me my number and I needed to write them down so I could count. (for ME... I didn't tell the person questioning me as it was none of his business).
                  Was she drunk during the encounters? Were there a lot of one night stands? If there were, then it would explain why she draws a blank.
                  Like I said, was she stoned? I think more times then not, these types of debauchery happen when there is drink/drugs involved to some extent. You can't imagine how many posts we read where the young person starting the thread was "black out" drunk and did things they wouldn't dream of doing when sober.
                  You are a stickler for punishment then?

                  Probably fuck buddies and they petered out after a couple of months.
                  Like I said... for some women it will be the norm. For others it will not be.

                  I suggest you let it go and leave it in the past where it belongs. You wanting that kind of sexual promiscuity now that you are married is what's not normal (IMNSHO).
                  If your marriage is good, if your sex life is rocking then don't rock the boat.
                  Thanks. I understand you are a"straight shooter". Interesting contradiction of yours: "Well, who's to say what is "normal? What is for one, may not be for another", then, "You wanting that kind of sexual promiscuity now that you are married is what's not normal (IMNSHO)."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Ayla View Post
                    She can't 'remember' because it's actually none of your business and she feels uncomfortable discussing the details with you.
                    She probably worries that going into the dirty details will change the dynamic between you and from what I can see, she's probably right. You don't seem to be handling it very well.

                    Stop digging in her past. You've been together for 14 years and it's never mattered before. She was always the same person, you just didn't know about stuff she did before meeting you. So stop obsessing over it and move on.
                    Not a helpful response, and very judgemental. Maybe some of your own baggage reflected here?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Breakfast and Coffee View Post

                      I don't believe you're doing yourself and good. Leave past as is. And it's really a stupid idea to talk about intimacy at shared table! Lets not do that anymore, not you and your wife and not me and mine.
                      Not helpful. In our group of friends this is acceptable, maybe not so in yours, but don't judge us.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Where are you going with the losing virginity details though, Rick? (re: post #8) I'm asking you what you're hoping to get from those details, even if she does want to share them with you. I think most of the people responding to you don't really understand the reasons behind dwelling on these details/your intentions.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Rick from LI actually your NOT better off knowing everything. No good can come from wanting to know about things that should stay in the past. It will likely just cause alot of problems for your marriage. If she doesn't want to go back there again then you should respect that.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rick from LI View Post

                            Thanks. I understand you are a"straight shooter". Interesting contradiction of yours: "Well, who's to say what is "normal? What is for one, may not be for another", then, "You wanting that kind of sexual promiscuity now that you are married is what's not normal (IMNSHO)."
                            It's not a contradiction. Your logic is flawed. When we marry and agree to monogamy and exclusivity it is normal to give up thoughts of being promiscuous. You've done the opposite to that normal and are now wanting to be promiscuous after you've married.
                            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; November 8th, 2018, 04:58 PM.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Rick from LI View Post

                              Thanks, but not a helpful response. You didn't answer my question about her memory. You also made a huge, incorrect leap about this being an obsession. It is not, it's just conversation (I have these a lot with my close M &F friends). Also, why mention mistakes? She has indicated to me that only one time felt like a mistake to her.

                              Yes the threesome has been a fantasy of mine since a near experience in college, but I just figured they don't really happen. Now I know someone who has actually done it, so it has stirred that up.
                              Rose is right, you are bordering on obsession with this. Everyone is right that your behaviour isn't normal. Your wife is feigning memory loss because she doesn't want to talk about it. You asked opinions, you got honest opinions. If you expected everyone to pacify you then you shouldnt have joined the forum.

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