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I'm starting to feel a little uneasy about my wife's guy friend.

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  • I'm starting to feel a little uneasy about my wife's guy friend.

    I'll try not to make this too long, but please bear with me.


    My wife and I are college sweethearts that married 15 years ago and we never had a serious relationship with anyone else before getting together. She's also been working at the same job for 13 years and her co-workers(a small group of men and women) are all her best friends. They're practically a part of our family at this point and they were all around for the birth of our two kids(8 and 3 y/o). However, there's one guy that is making me have doubts about what their relationship really is and I blame myself not speaking up a long time ago and suggesting boundaries. I've always trusted her, but I've also heard new information.

    This guy, we'll call him Jay, has never been married or had any kids and recently ended a short relationship with a woman that looked eerily similar to my wife. I pointed it out to one of her work friends and she told me it makes sense because he'd had a crush on my wife. Normally this wouldn't bother me because I know she's very attractive, but that same friend I spoke with also told me that my wife confessed to having a crush on him a few years ago. This woman really has no reason to lie or meddle in our marriage.

    I've started thinking about business trips they've gone on alone together, how they always seek each other out at office parties and get-togethers, how she thinks he's the funniest and coolest guy she knows, how she posts pictures she's taken of him on Instagram when it's his birthday or he has some kind of achievement when she doesn't do the same for anyone else aside from me and our kids. He's not a bad looking guy either. He has a slightly unique sense of style that my wife thinks is cool and so my son has basically adopted a similar look. They're opposites when it comes to interests: she's really into fitness and outdoor activities(as am I) and he's, I guess, more laid-back and creative. Still, they seem closer than anyone else in the friend group and they have the same sense of humour.

    My wife is a very friendly person with everyone, borderline flirty with men and women the same. That's just something I've gotten used to over the years. Now that I know they've had some sort of mutual attraction, the compliments and playfulness between them bothers me. I know I should talk to her, but I know it's probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I don't want drama. I almost wish our friend never told me that piece of information.

    Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of thing?


  • #2
    I think it makes a lot of sense that you are uneasy about this situation. She is your wife after all. The way you stated everything made you sound caring and sincere and it doesn't seem you are jealous, just concerned, that sounds healthy. There is a piece of your relationship (flirtiness - it shows sexual attraction) that should belong to the both of you and that no one else should get to enjoy. Friendliness is great, but flirty is too much and is causing doubt for you. Of course you want to trust - I hope you fully can - but yes, you should address this issue at a moment you can both sit down and really listen to each other. Let your wife know how you feel, let your wife calm your doubts, even let her know you want to protect your marriage as best you can. Ask her to be more careful around this man who seems attracted to her and even dated a look-a-like (potentially to show your wife she's his type?) Basically, she should put distance between herself and this male co-worker. It's about respect, not just trustworthiness.
    Last edited by ArtsyAngel63; October 8th, 2018, 03:14 AM.

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    • #3
      Even though this work friend may not seem dishonest, I would always be cautious with secondhand information. You don't know what her motives are.
      If in fact your wife confided in her that she had a crush on Jay, then she's a lousy friend for spilling her secrets like that. Especially because there's no reason to believe anything inappropriate ever happened between them.
      Be aware that something else might be going on. Maybe this work friend had a crush on Jay herself and got turned down and is now jealous of the friendship between your wife and Jay.

      Whether it's true or not, asking your wife to change her year-long friendship with Jay out of the blue without any real explanation will probably lead to an arguement. You will probably come across as jealous or controlling.
      It's hard to change behavioral patterns if they've been repeated for 15 years. Your wife won't understand why this becomes a problem all of a sudden unless you explain it.

      I think you should just explain to your wife that you've noticed that her friendship with Jay is closer than with other work friends and it's making you feel uncomfortable, and just ask her to keep that in mind in her interactions with Jay.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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      • #4
        You may be onto something about the secondhand information, Ayla. Maybe she could even be interested in "good username" and would love to see him and his wife struggle with trust? Either way, he's noticed his wife being too sweet on another man and vice versa as the outcome. They've got to figure something out that makes them both feel comfortable about this male co-worker.

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        • #5
          Well good username you are entitled to the uneasiness, but broaching this topic with your wife could be a little touchy. But necessary methinks. Just looking at this strategically; telling your wife how this makes you feel will...
          a) inform her how her flirtiness/chuminess with this fella has made you uneasy. Most likely she doesn't want to cause you any pain and can begin separating from him.
          b) allow for her to confirm or deny "something" and you two can begin to face whatever that is

          Don't worry overmuch about outing your informant from her work. That relationship is infinitely more disposable than your marriage and your wife will know best whether or not she (your wife) needs to confront her or not, and what level of discretion is required.
          If I may, a quick story. I used to have a "work wife", I had advanced to a level of management. and began to get more involved at work with our female HR presence. My challenge with that relationship was to limit marriage talk with her, the HR rep/work-wife. I had also setup some healthy controls, I connect my work-wife with my real wife early on and they would handle any off work socializing/scheduling. Work wife and I never needed to travel together and I avoided it successfully. And the last thing was that I would never meet with after work hours without one of our real spouses present. From the sound of things you've got a deeper relationship with her coworkers and she might, quite naturally, not see a need for any boundaries or not the same ones. Also a wife to work-wife dynamic would be quite different from a husband to work-husband dynamic; I recommend letting your wife figure the best way to proceed. That was a longish way round, but the punchline that I haven't mentioned yet is that my work time spent with my work-wife wasn't viewed innocently by my coworkers. In my naivety and trust of the rest of my coworkers, I didn't take the time to register what they perceived. It wasn't until years later, after work-wife left for other opportunity, that I started to discover the depth of my miscalculation. Things were unnecessarily complicated at work, but at home it was no worries.
          My prayer is that when you talk to your wife she'll set your mind at ease, and you'll feel better about it all. Blessings.

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          • #6
            I think your best bet is to talk about it with your wife and let her know this friendship is making you uncomfortable. The rest is a lot of speculation fueled by anxiety and fear, and information from an untrustworthy source(one that you do not know). Do you feel like it's something you can talk about with her?

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            • #7
              This woman really has no reason to lie or meddle in our marriage.
              Then why is she meddling?

              Anyway: You have to tell your wife exactly what you're worried about and hopefully she'll re-assure you and reinforce a few platonic relationship boundaries with her friend. If after your talk with your wife you don't see her dialing back her interaction with her opposite sex friend, then why not have another chat with her by letting her know what the meddling friend told you and now that she's not dialed it back with her buddy, how that makes you feel.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by good username View Post
                I'll try not to make this too long, but please bear with me.


                My wife and I are college sweethearts that married 15 years ago and we never had a serious relationship with anyone else before getting together. She's also been working at the same job for 13 years and her co-workers(a small group of men and women) are all her best friends. They're practically a part of our family at this point and they were all around for the birth of our two kids(8 and 3 y/o). However, there's one guy that is making me have doubts about what their relationship really is and I blame myself not speaking up a long time ago and suggesting boundaries. I've always trusted her, but I've also heard new information.

                This guy, we'll call him Jay, has never been married or had any kids and recently ended a short relationship with a woman that looked eerily similar to my wife. I pointed it out to one of her work friends and she told me it makes sense because he'd had a crush on my wife. Normally this wouldn't bother me because I know she's very attractive, but that same friend I spoke with also told me that my wife confessed to having a crush on him a few years ago. This woman really has no reason to lie or meddle in our marriage.

                I've started thinking about business trips they've gone on alone together, how they always seek each other out at office parties and get-togethers, how she thinks he's the funniest and coolest guy she knows, how she posts pictures she's taken of him on Instagram when it's his birthday or he has some kind of achievement when she doesn't do the same for anyone else aside from me and our kids. He's not a bad looking guy either. He has a slightly unique sense of style that my wife thinks is cool and so my son has basically adopted a similar look. They're opposites when it comes to interests: she's really into fitness and outdoor activities(as am I) and he's, I guess, more laid-back and creative. Still, they seem closer than anyone else in the friend group and they have the same sense of humour.

                My wife is a very friendly person with everyone, borderline flirty with men and women the same. That's just something I've gotten used to over the years. Now that I know they've had some sort of mutual attraction, the compliments and playfulness between them bothers me. I know I should talk to her, but I know it's probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I don't want drama. I almost wish our friend never told me that piece of information.

                Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of thing?
                As you know, talk. Try to cut what you wrote to us in a slightly more directive way to your wife. Talk to her how you miss her sparks in her eyes for you. Be a man! Gentle and kind to her with Heart full of Love.

                Comment

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