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I'm Overracting Or Should I Be Really Worried About My Boyfriend's Female Friend

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  • I'm Overracting Or Should I Be Really Worried About My Boyfriend's Female Friend

    Hi, I really need advice on my current relationship - I will be grateful for any comments, because my head is a mess and I don't know what to do. In short - we are together for about 1,5 year and live together for almost a year. My boyfriend is younger than me - four years younger and I'm 24 years old. He was always supportive, we have a lot in common, but somehow I don't feel somehow secure in our relationship. I am especially worried about his friendship with one girl - I'm not jealous or controlling type, and I would never ask him to stop seeing his friends or choose between them and me, but she makes me uncomfortable. Here a few examples why:



    - he knows her longer than me, when we started dating they knew each other for about a year and were really close. They talked about everything and he used to sleep at ther place sometimes. However, when we started dating he claimed that there was nothing beside friendship between them - they were not interested in each other romantically or didn't sleep with each other. He was the one who introduced her to me and at the beginning I really hoped that I and that girl will become friends, because my boyfriend said many good things about her. But she didn't seem to like me. From the beginning I felt like there is some kind of competition between us, she tried to prove to me that she knows more about my boyfriend than I am and concentrated only on him, ignoring me during our meetings. She would sit next to him all the time, and asked him to go for a cigarette alone to talk etc. It was not easy for me, because I saw how my boyfriend seems relaxed and how good they get along and I became a little jealous, especially that his female friend is really attractive girl. I didn't show my jealousy, but I started questioning why he would choose me over her.



    - Then, there was a party at our apartment and she was invited along with some other friends. I was surprised, as she never (as far as I know) was at our apartment before, but she started to make comments on new furniture ("The shelf was the only thing that you bought for that apartment, everything else was already there?") and I got strange feeling that she was there before, but maybe I was overreacting, because she said also that we have lovely apartment and my boyfriend went down for her, as she didn't know the exact way to our apartment. Furthermore, my boyfriend claimed that he mentioned to her that he bought some things for our apartment and she was never there before. But I started to be wary of her, as she turned to be manipulative and I didn't exactly know what her intentions with my boyfriend really were, so she could just put a impression that she was at our apartment for the first time.



    - I was also worried that my boyfriend deleted all his messages from her (I found out by accident, when he was showing me some pictures from her and there was only a few messages from the last few days). He claimed that he knew at that moment that I'm jealous of her and once (I know, I should be ashamed) I read few messages from her behind his back and confessed to him about it. I violated his privacy and he was really mad, so he deleted all messages, so I would not snoop again, especially when I was jealous of that girl, and I would misunderstand some messages, as my boyfriend claims, and he would rather avoid that kind of situation. But again, he claimed that there was nothing between them and I shouldn't worry about there deleted messages.



    - There was also a few nights when he slept at his friend's place, when he and his friends had too much to drink. I thought it is ok, since it was more dangerous for him to walk home in his condition, so he was coming back next morning. But there is one night that I was especially worried of, when he fell asleep drunk in his friends' bed and there would be nothing suspicious about it, except that female friend claimed that she came to the room where my boyfriend was sleeping in the middle of the night and tried to wake him up, because "she was worried if it is ok for him to sleep in other place than his place". My boyfriend doesn't even remember if she was waking him up, he only remembers when he fell asleep and when we woke up and went to our place. But knowing her, I wouldn't say that she was suddenly so worried about our relationship or whatever, and she had other intentions in waking him up. I wonder if something happened between them back then, especially as she teased him if he don't really remember the moment of waking him up. My boyfriend claims that nothing happened, and he wasn't that drunk to not remember if something happened, he was just really sleepy and thus doesn't remember when she was waking him.



    - Last thing, it is also situation from a party that we attended. I forgot about one thing - my boyfriend and that girl have no longer much contact, as she turned to be bad person, and my boyfriend claimed that I was right about her from the beginning. They sometimes see each other at parties, but beside that I believe that they have no contact. And now, she is even worse than when I met her - she has a boyfriend and still have many one night-stands, she already slept with almost every guy from their friends' circle, she is really provocative and my boyfriend claims that he is sick of her promiscuous behaviour and that she doesn't care if someone gets hurt, as she seduces even taken guys. To the point - we went to the party and I got really mad at her, and how she behaved around my boyfriend. He tried to ignore her, but she was laughing loudly when he said something funny or not, tried to touch him "accidently" many times, but I found especially disgusting her gestures - when she knew that he is sitting next to me and sticked her butt almost in his face when she tried to open the window (and it is not my imagination, someone else claimed that her behaviour and gestures were slutty and it was obvious what her goal is) or other time she "accidently" dropped something on the floor and she leaned to lift it in a really sexual manner - my boyfriend was sitting in front of her, and she spread her legs as much as she could when she leaned across and was looking directly at my boyfriend as it was some kind of invitation? I know that my boyfriend was trying to ignore her, but later on I felt sick and asked my boyfriend if we could come back earlier, because I'm not feeling well. He took me back to our apartment, but was really mad that we had to leave earlier, as she wanted to spend more time with his friends. But I started being worried that maybe he wanted to come back to that party because of this girl? Maybe her obvious flirty behaviour made him want her, because she is really attractive and many guys are attracted to her, so why if my boyfriend likes this kind of behaviour and likes his interest in her?



    I really don't know what to do, I'm uncomfortable when she is around my boyfriend and I'm afraid that she will seduce him someday. I know that he doesn't seek any contact with her, and he claims that I shouldn't be worried about her, but somehow I am. I want to trust him, but isn't it all a little bit strange?

  • #2
    If he values you and your relationship, he will cut off all contact with this girl. Also, if you think he could be easily seduced by her or any other woman, then she is not the problem. Your boyfriend and your lack of trust is the issue. You have to either trust him or leave him. Your fears won't keep him by your side.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      SarahLancaster, so you think that I shouldn't worry about their friendship? That there is nothing suspicious? I start to believe that they used to sleep together and I'm the one, who doesn't know. I know I should trust him, but my fears might be from previous relationship in which I was really hurt, so I search for a red flags in the new relationship to avoid similar situation.
      It is all hard for me, because maybe it's only my insecurities and I have nothing to worry about? Beside what I described before, my boyfriend is really caring and supportive for all the time, I don't want to leave him for nothing.

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      • #4
        There is nothing less sexy than being insecure. Men are attracted to women who are confidant and strong. I would say at this point to give him the benefit of the doubt; however, he should cut off all contact with her. If he promises to do so and then you find out later that he hasn't, then he's not worth being with.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          SarahLancaster, thank you for your replies. I think I will wait a little longer and see if they have contact or not - are if they will, I will break up - I don't want to interfere with his friendships, but there is too much drama with her for me.
          Do you think I should ask him about deleted messages?

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          • #6
            I think you should just tell him that you value your relationship with him, but if he doesn't cut off all contact with her, you will not be able to continue with this relationship. Don't make it sound threatening....just matter of fact.

            Forget about the deleted messages for now. Just count it as day one.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              SarahLancaster, thank you, really I will talk to him about it and that he should cut contacts with her. Do you have any ideas how to build more trusting bond between us?
              In overall, he always explains me everything and I think he just wants me to be secure with him, and he is really patient, so maybe he didn't do anything wrong? Or otherwise, he would just break up with me without any explainations or conversations. Beside, if someone is cheating - I should see more obvious signs like some changes in behaviour?

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              • #8
                I think your fundamental problem, OP, is that you have not forgotten or forgiven him his decision to be this girl's friend and he seems to have taken an inordinate amount of time to realize what type of woman she is (in other words, he's an immature child and you don't trust his vision or decisions). You're not questioning any potential to cheat. What you're really questioning is if he can be trusted in general. You made it a point to mention the difference in your ages in the beginning of your post. Why? You obviously believe at some level he is not up to par with you in terms of maturity level. I don't think the both of you are compatible and you can go ahead and be the long-suffering mature gf who waits for him to grow up and grow a pair or you can start dating actual men with established morals and the ability to smell classless characters miles away. You decide what type of man you want to spend your time with. Relationships can be heaven on earth or they can be terrible nightmares. You pick.

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                • #9
                  The only way to build trust is to trust him until he proves untrustworthy.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    In my opinion he's already proven himself untrustworthy due to his maturity level. He's already untrustworthy because of the consistent awkward positions he's put the OP through and no woman deserves that. Yes, some have greater or lesser thresholds. I have a very low threshold. She should expect more of the person she's dating.

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                    • #11
                      rose Mosse, thank you for your reply. I mentioned the age gap, because I think it is crucial and I was also afraid from the beginning that it will cause trouble for us. I don't want to defend my boyfriend, but in other cases he shows signs of maturity - he decided to live with me and go to work, which limited his social life and the amount of time spend on partying, he helps me financially and in many other ways and claims that he, just as me, gave up many things in order to build some future with him and I see that he is different than his friends at his age - who spend a lot of time on going out, have girlfriends, but not live with them or take them to parties and don't work. I didn't want to show only bad sides of him, he made also a lot of hard decisions, when we started dating.

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                      • #12
                        Good grief. He was 18 when you started dating. There's a HUGE chance that despite his giving up things for you he's not ready to settle down yet. I think you'll find that to be true in the future.
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          MutedLandscape Two's company, three's a crowd. I feel that if a man is loyal to his girlfriend (or wife), she's the only one for him, the only woman he confides in and he should be devoted to that one girl ONLY IMHO. If this is a problem, either you have to accept this trio or you go and part ways.

                          A lot of men are package deals, unfortunately. If you need him financially, you have to accept the way he is. (This story is reminiscent of my sister's marriage.) If you have total and complete financial independence, it's easy to dump men who aren't going to change for you nor anybody.
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                          • #14
                            I think there has been some good advice thus far, but will still add my two cents. That woman, his "friend," is not a good platonic friend - she does show a lot of signs of promiscuity and her lifestyle is unfortunate (the part where she dates or seduces 'taken' men). With her track record, that your SO is starting to realize due to her prolonged behaviors, he should definitely back off. This isn't a "normal" opposite gender friendship that you need not fret about - this is a problematic girl we're talking about here. She would have no problem sleeping with your man - the difference is him. Your boyfriend should be a trustworthy man and avoid her like the plague to show you he cares and that you are his only love interest. If he cannot cut her off, you should reconsider your relationship. Don't worry about the past texts and things between them, forgive him and move on - but watch to see his next moves, weigh them out over time, and then decide if he is loyal and right for you. As far as wanting to spend time with his other friends in the circle, he will have to create new ways to see them that doesn't include this girl so that you can both enjoy your time with friends. Insecurity is unattractive, but she has given you some things to worry about so I don't think it's just you.
                            Last edited by ArtsyAngel63; October 8th, 2018, 03:29 AM.

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                            • #15
                              Much as I hate to say this it seems like you are going with a teenager, and considering his age, that is still what he is. You need to decide if you want that type of relationship or are you looking for a permanent long lasting one? Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is he the man you see supporting you and your children (when they come)? If you can't trust him now, there is little to build a relationship on. I would you encourage you to take some time and decide for yourself what you want in life. Maybe it is time to set some goals for yourself (if you haven't already), and ask him to do the same (separately), then see if those goals are anything alike. It definitely sounds like you are wanting a long lasting permanent relationship and I'm not sure that is what he wants at this point in his life. It also seems like you are the major force in the relationship (financially, housing etc) and while that might seem ok right now, I have to wonder if that is the role you want to play in the future? Please take some time and decide what you really want, long term before trying to make any decisions on whether you want this young man in your life.

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