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  • Girlfriend resents me. :(

    Hi everyone.

    My girlfriend of two and a half years resents me, and i'm having a hard time dealing with it. About 6 months into our relationship the idea of buying a house together came up. We discussed it. I wasn't ready at the time to sell my condo, and put it towards buying something with her. It was too soon for me. We live in the San Francisco bay area and house prices here are obscene. Before I met her, she had placed a deposit on a condo in south San Jose which is quite a ways from where we both live in Sunnyvale.

    So, now the situation is kind of messed up. We live separately. I have my condo in Sunnyvale, and she has her condo in San Jose (about 20 miles away). She also has an apartment she rents in Sunnyvale where her two kids live with her most of the time. Her ex husband also lives as well, sleeping on the couch, which is obviously messed up. He pays the rent on that apartment. If he didn't, she wouldn't be able to afford the $3500 mortgage on the condo in San Jose. The kids are in their final years of school and she can't move them for this reason, and the condo is too far for them to back and forth. They have their friends and their school in Sunnyvale. Her and I go down to the condo in San Jose 1-2 nights a week, and the traffic on the way back the next morning is always terrible. I've asked her numerous times to move in with me, but she won't. She can't live in three houses, and I get that, so she spends one night a weak at my place. The apartment in Sunnyvale is old. It's two bedrooms. She and her daughter share a room, her soon gets a room of his own, and the ex sleeps on the couch.

    She was with me last night when she lamented that she hadn't seen the kids for a few days. I said it would be nice, if when we go down to the condo, if the kids could come with us. She'd be with me, I'd be with her, we'd both be with the kids, and it would be a win-win. I hardly know the kids. They're teenagers, and they are shy and since the ex lives at the apartment in Sunnyvale, I can't just go over there and spend time with them.

    When I said this she brought up the missed opportunity on the condo. I told her I didn't think that was fair. She resents me. She said she will resent me until her housing situation is resolved. I have a hard time dealing with that. She spends 80% of her time trying to work out a way for her and her kids to buy a house in Sunnyvale. Given the market, I don't see how that's possible, so it's very likely that she will continue to resent for quite a long time. I've suggested finding a way to sell out and move out (yes - the kids I know) but she won't budge. She'd rather go in circles, resent me and hate the world.

    At the risk of sounding like I'm criticizing her, I should mention she has issues, a lot of issues. She's a germaphobe, lacks emotional maturity and empathy. She wears her heart on her sleeve and speaks her mind without a filter, which means she often says thinks i find hurtful, she worries about stupid things (like if we're in a parking lot and someone puts their gear into reverse she panics). Her lack of emotional maturity is tough on me. I'm aways thinking about her happiness and her well being and trying to do things to make her happy. That's a lot of emotional capital to outlay and it feels like she never recognizes it.

    It's hard to please her. Often her decisions seem to defy logic. We've been to many open houses and tried to look for a place together, which is obviously just about impossible in the area we live. She's ok with spending $1.25M on an old, small 3 bedroom cottage. I'd rather cash out, move somewhere cheaper and spend half that on a house twice the size with space. A few months ago she wanted to take a portion of each of our savings and put it into a special rate CD. When I told her this would mean it would make it more difficult to buy a house, she scoffed and said we're not going to be buying a house together in the next year. So, just after we deposited the money into the CD, she wants to go start looking at open houses again. ARRGH!

    Thanks

  • #2
    You're the smartest man in the world at this point for telling her you don't want to sell your condo and buy something else. Here's my advice: Don't do it EVER. EVER.

    Given her many issues, which, by the way, are no small things, I would say that she is not ready for a serious relationship. Being serious about a relationship means that you do whatever you can to solve the problems in the most practical and mutually agreed-upon manner. Resentment is not part of the package. She's wanting to satisfy HER wants right now without considering your needs. You clearly have different ideas on many topics, including money, housing, location, etc.

    Are you sure this woman is worth all the brain damage?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Thanks for the reply Sarah.

      Yes, our inability to have a calm rational conversation is a major point of concern. I'm a very calm person and I don't like conflict. Whenever I raise a concern, as I did last night, I put great effort into remaining calm and not raising my voice. I am extremely conscious of what I say and choose my words very carefully because I know words can hurt and can't be taken back. I try to be constructive. She is the total opposite. She was getting rather agitated last night, as she always does, which is why I rarely try and have a serious conversation about us.

      The details of any disagreement are of less concern to me than the process, and how we deal with them. She gets stressed very easily and when she does, she lashes out. We all get stressed, but it's how we deal with that stress which is more important. It's an understatement that she does not deal with stress well. She can go from "I have mud on my shoes" to "my life is shit" in an instant. When I get stressed I don't lash out at the people around me. I go to them for support. I don't beat them up.

      She's Vietnamese, and I'm caucasian. Her idea of a relationship is very traditional. My world is supposed to revolve around her. I'm liberal, and I see a relationship more as a partnership. It's not as black and white as that of course. I try to wear the pants as much as I can.

      I could go on and on but I'm kinda tired and numb from it all.
      Last edited by Doug437; September 30th, 2018, 02:50 PM.

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      • #4
        Your cultural differences may be insurmountable, ultimately. Issues like hers usually don't get better with time.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          We were supposed to have breakfast this morning around 8:30am and I texted her and said lets skip it. I need to think. She's putting in some weekend work and she said she was going to come over later, in around 2hr or so to 'clear this up'. I'm not looking forward to this. There's only two ways this will be cleared up. Either she breaks it off with me, or she admits fault and has an open discussion. I really can't see the latter happening. She's never done that.

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          • #6
            Of course she will make a scene, but it's best if you remain calm and rational (as you normally do). You're going to have to lay it out to her like this:

            "I'm unhappy with the way things are going between us. I find it unacceptable that you resent me for not wanting to sell my condo (etc etc). I'm not willing to continue like this. To remain in this relationship, Im going to need some compromise on the following issues: A, B and C. I'll understand if you can't meet me on these topics; however, please understand that we can't continue unless some things change."

            Good luck.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              Sarah,

              I'm curious about your initial comment about me not selling my condo. I wasn't ready to do that at that stage of the relationship, but why do you say that? One could say (and my girlfriend did) that I should have been ready by that point. She would argue that if I was serious about the relationship at that point, I should have been ready to sell my condo to 'her' her as she put it. Hm now that I write it that way, it does sound kinda crazy doesn't it.

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              • #8
                Selling your condo and purchasing something with her would put you in the situation of having to split your assets WHEN you break up. If you're having all these troubles now, don't think they'll get better. You'll get tired of her being a germaphobe and all of her other little idiosyncrasies. Plus, are you really ready to live with teenagers? I don't think you've thought this through.

                You seem intelligent and practical. She sounds dumb and hysterical. I don't know that this is meant to be for the two of you. Think about this rationally. Does she really tick all of your boxes?
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  I'm with Sarah. At six months it would have been absolutely foolish to make a major financial investment with someone you hardly know and have no real commitment between you. Two years later you know her better. Consider that she can be very difficult to be with. Imagine what it will be like actually living with her full time.

                  Caring around resentment because she didn't get her way is hardly the sign of a reasonable person.

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                  • #10
                    Doug437 You hardly know the kids, they're shy and they're teenagers! Then there are cultural differences not to mention huge differences in personality and character. Speaking her mind without a filter is a HUGE red flag and you don't know how many people I know who are reminiscent of your girlfriend; hopefully soon to be ex-girlfriend! If there's one thing I've learned rather late in life (but later is better than never) is that you can't force a relationship to work when character and personality differences are at complete, total ends of the spectrum. You can't will your way for it to work nor can you wish your life away either. For certain people in my life, I get rid of them. For others (such as some relatives), I create extreme boundaries.

                    If I were you, I'd call it quits on the girlfriend. You nor anyone cannot be compatible with someone who has such a volatile temperament. They're unpredictable but predictable, unfortunately. It's time to go your separate ways.

                    I avoid those who lack empathy and respect like the plague. They're nothing but hot messes and BAD news all around. Been there done that.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                    • #11
                      She came over tonight after telling me we would 'clear this up'. She didn't initiate a serious discussion. Instead we spend an hour or two running some errands. When it was time for her to go, I asked if we were going to have a talk. She said she didn't want to. She flippantly said as she got out of the car that she likes to avoid conflict, and I like drama. I tried to have a serious conversation but she didn't want to. She played it down, said people make mistakes and it wasn't worth discussing. It is simply impossible to have an adult like discussion with her.

                      I'm gonna see my psychologist on Tuesday.

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                      • #12
                        Doug437 Google the words "gaslighting" and "emotional intelligence (EQ)." Your girlfriend fits this pattern. Whenever you notice these mental defects and flaws in people, they're illogical and unreasonable. Therefore, the relationship is doomed for failure. These are serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Doug437 View Post
                          ....I'm gonna see my psychologist on Tuesday. ...
                          If you don't mind me asking, why are you seeking advice here when you've already got someone to run this stuff by?

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                          • #14
                            She's going through some transitions in her life regarding her (previous) marriage and children. The father is still in the picture (on the couch) and I can't imagine what he has to go through living this way. Do you have kids, OP? It's natural that she's going through a lot of emotions. If you care about her, I'd suggest not taking the high road all the time and being a bit more understanding. Being logical is not always the answer. Being understanding and creating safe boundaries is healthier. You're both irritable with each other because of lack of understanding and compassion. I don't think you're fully understanding her limits as a mother and as a partner during this time in her life and for all the logic in the world, experience and compassion is not something you can get from logic alone.

                            If you care about her, you'd take care of yourself and your mental and emotional well being. You can't be anyone's man if you don't take care of you. This means being less irritable, retaining your own condo, declining going on meaningless trips looking for real estate and making more useful suggestions about how you both can spend your time together. It also means not forcing the idea of getting to know her children yet. They are going through their own emotions seeing their parents in this state. It will take a remarkable person to withstand and be able to stick this out. You are either that man or you are not. You can make that decision: take care of you and be that man or you can talk about real estate and logic till thy kingdom come. Be easy on yourself and remember to take breaks, keep in touch with your friends and family and enjoy your hobbies outside this relationship. You're losing control and losing sight of yourself. That's the last thing anyone wants to be around, as a partner.
                            Last edited by Rose Mosse; October 2nd, 2018, 03:11 PM.

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                            • #15
                              The ex husband sleeping on the couch is a huge red flag. I just don't see this getting better.Do you?

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