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My partner fantasizes about our neighbour - Am I wrong to be upset about this?

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  • My partner fantasizes about our neighbour - Am I wrong to be upset about this?

    So, I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years now, we have a great relationship, have been though our rough patches and ups and downs but overall it's a great relationship with a healthy sex life (or so I thought).

    A couple of weeks ago while he was at work, I had to use his laptop computer for some forms to download that wouldn't work on my own. He had said this was no problem and I could use it whenever I needed to. (This is always the case and we regularly use each other's laptops) When I opened up the browser to log into my email, his email account (automatically already logged in) opened up but it was not his usual account. It was a new one I hadn't heard of and from just skimming over a couple of the email titles, it quickly became clear that he uses this "secret" account for porn and pictures and videos of women.

    To be clear, I don't have a problem with this whatsoever, I find it quite harmless really. It's just porn, whatever. However the top email that he had sent to himself was titled "List of nice things to look at". And yes, it's wrong and intrusive, but I clicked into it. It was basically just a long list of names of women - the majority were porn stars, a couple of actresses. Again, that didn't bother me. (Even the fact that all of these women look nothing remotely like me in any way possible - I get it, they're just fantasies.) There were two on the list that did bother me though. One was "Emily who works at the bar" at the venue that he sometimes works at. And the other was "The girl in the apartment above - Holy fuckin jizz my pants material". This is the one that has really upset me and pretty much destroyed my self-confidence.

    This is a girl that literally sleeps every night right above us, just one ceiling separates us. We see her all the time in the hallway passing by. He just has to go up the stairs sometime when I'm not there and something could happen between them. Bear in mind that I've honestly never worried about him cheating before, it sounds cliched but he really really isn't the type to do the dirt but I just cannot get this out of my mind now. I'm really devastated about this and all I can think of is that he probably pictures her when we're having sex and prefers the way she looks. The fact that he masturbates to a mental image of our upstairs neighbour just feels too close to home (literally) and I feel that it has crossed a line. Porn stars, actresses etc are fine, they're not "real" so to speak, but an actual woman who lives in the same building? Am I insane to be so upset and bothered by this?

  • #2
    overall it's a great relationship with a healthy sex life
    So, I have to ask why you're allowing your own insecurities to put a damper on your emotional connection and the great relationship you have, so far, enjoyed?

    If he's not going up one flight, if he's not in personal contact with her... why would you mentally abuse yourself like you have been over this?

    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      natasha24 The real question here is do you want to remain with your deceitful boyfriend for longer than 9 years? How can you be with someone whom you do not trust? Sounds like you're with a dirty old man. Or, dirty young man. Dump the loser!
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        We can't always get what we want no matter how bad. She may not be able to stand the sight of your man, or may already have someone herself. Normal people don't just get busy with anybody who expresses interest in them, except in badly acted porn, where everyone will f#ck the pizza delivery man or anyone who knocks at their door. In a roundabout way, ask him if he knows her and if she walks loudly just to get him to talk about her. Don't let strangers make you insecure. Just because he likes or fantasizes about other women doesn't mean they would even give him the time of day.. I.e. they may be way out of his league other than in fantasyland...

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        • #5
          The part that concerns me is writing it down. It seems a tad disturbing that he would keep logs of these things.. I would say ask him about it and see what he has to say. Keeping it to yourself is just going to drive you crazy.

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          • #6
            You're getting a few responses here that are blowing this thing way out of proportion
            I completely agree with Phases.
            You're making a big deal about nothing. All men fantasize and they all do it to women who they run into in real life.
            Now, as long as he's not making any contact with her whatsoever, stop stressing out over it.
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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            • #7
              I'm a fan of truth and being clear about things, so, like on other occasions, I suggest you talk to him about it. As when he let you use his laptop he knew what he had been doing (although he may have forgotten that he had let the browser logged on), I don't think he was too worried about you discovering about his fantasies. In fact, how can you know that he didn't make it all so you would read his emails and found about his fantasies? Maybe he has a fantasy about you discovering his fantasies.

              So, talk to him about it, and good luck.

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              • #8
                I think you should focus on this:

                Originally posted by natasha24 View Post
                So, I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years now, we have a great relationship

                it's a great relationship with a healthy sex life

                I get it, they're just fantasies
                Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ayla View Post
                  All men fantasize and they all do it to women who they run into in real life.
                  True! Certainly for me anyway Completely meaningless and none of it ever pursued in the real world.




                  And also, you can't control who pops in!!!

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sri9aPG17nM
                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by natasha24 View Post
                    So, I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years now, we have a great relationship, have been though our rough patches and ups and downs but overall it's a great relationship with a healthy sex life (or so I thought).

                    A couple of weeks ago while he was at work, I had to use his laptop computer for some forms to download that wouldn't work on my own. He had said this was no problem and I could use it whenever I needed to. (This is always the case and we regularly use each other's laptops) When I opened up the browser to log into my email, his email account (automatically already logged in) opened up but it was not his usual account. It was a new one I hadn't heard of and from just skimming over a couple of the email titles, it quickly became clear that he uses this "secret" account for porn and pictures and videos of women.

                    To be clear, I don't have a problem with this whatsoever, I find it quite harmless really. It's just porn, whatever. However the top email that he had sent to himself was titled "List of nice things to look at". And yes, it's wrong and intrusive, but I clicked into it. It was basically just a long list of names of women - the majority were porn stars, a couple of actresses. Again, that didn't bother me. (Even the fact that all of these women look nothing remotely like me in any way possible - I get it, they're just fantasies.) There were two on the list that did bother me though. One was "Emily who works at the bar" at the venue that he sometimes works at. And the other was "The girl in the apartment above - Holy fuckin jizz my pants material". This is the one that has really upset me and pretty much destroyed my self-confidence.

                    This is a girl that literally sleeps every night right above us, just one ceiling separates us. We see her all the time in the hallway passing by. He just has to go up the stairs sometime when I'm not there and something could happen between them. Bear in mind that I've honestly never worried about him cheating before, it sounds cliched but he really really isn't the type to do the dirt but I just cannot get this out of my mind now. I'm really devastated about this and all I can think of is that he probably pictures her when we're having sex and prefers the way she looks. The fact that he masturbates to a mental image of our upstairs neighbour just feels too close to home (literally) and I feel that it has crossed a line. Porn stars, actresses etc are fine, they're not "real" so to speak, but an actual woman who lives in the same building? Am I insane to be so upset and bothered by this?
                    Porn is not just whatever. Its end game is to destroy one person and all the Relationship ties one have. Do you really think the directors of pornography have a goal to boost ones relationships? They don't care what it does to a person! Not to their »actors, talents« and not to anyone who watches them! They are enslaved themself!

                    You are normal to be worried.

                    Your boyfriend doesn't need his second, hidden, email to survive. Had he truly loved you, you were enough in his life. He only has to commit to one girl, make one girl special, most beautiful in this world, only one. You.

                    Is pornography an enemy? Yes. Should you be worried? Yes.

                    If he doesn't close this account and vow to you, for life, you need to find someone who will do all in his will to do that. Will temptations dissappear? Never. Can we resist temptations? Always. He has you! Are you not worthy enough? You are. If he does not give you this, it's normal and healthy to ask yourself »Am I not good enough?« Because you are! It may not be him, but someone else.

                    Open up to him. Demand you want faithfulness! You deserve faithfulness! He doesn't have to look at girls next door, he can look on the floor. But to look on the floor seems pitty! How much more pitty is an unfaithful relationship! Is it better to grow old age with a grumpy and 50 broken relationships or look on the floor when any girl next door passes hallway?

                    Because the post above shared a link, I too want to share one! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=843WhirDu8g
                    Last edited by Breakfast and Coffee; October 3rd, 2018, 09:11 AM.

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