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Binge drinker partner should I leave??

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  • Binge drinker partner should I leave??

    Ok so I've been with my partner 5 years and we have a 2 year old who was planned.
    main issue is his drinking. He has a temper and drinking makes it worse also he's never been violent to me but has punched doors ext. He goes through phases of not drinking for weeks then starting, he's had phases of drinking every night, and most weekends he does drink silly amounts usually starting late afternoon until she floats to bed, he used to apologise and try to change but now he just says things like "I work hard and provide so why do you begrudge me a drink" he's said very hurtful things mostly after a drink but not always, he has a back problem, he works hard, and hardly goes out, but that doesn't mean it's ok, I've tried telling him to have anger management, see the doctor about maybe being depressed or his anger, but he's not interested, he's threatened to throw me out before and buy me out of the house ext, he's said so many hurtful things and ruined so many weekends because of how he can be and drinking. I'm at the point now where I'm wondering whether it's worth staying anymore, I want a normal family for my daughter but i dont want her growing up thinking his drinking is normal and thinking its ok for a man to speak to a woman how he can speak to me. Don't get me wrong it's not bad all the time and I know relationships are not perfect but is it normal to be unhappy like this?

  • #2
    Tell him that if he won't get help for his drinking and anger that you're going to leave. Start documenting everything he does in case there's a future custody dispute.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      I agree with Sarah. However, before you make your announcement, start getting things in order such as some money set aside, a place to stay, and a consult with a family law attorney so you know how things could play out.

      Also, don't tell him when he's been drinking.


      • #4
        I was in your place what seems like a lifetime ago. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. You're going to have to come to terms with the reality of his drinking and whether you want to bring your child up in that environment. If you're determined to leave, you can do it. Get the legal help and the help of your family/friends, go through the process and stay out of harm's way.


        • #5
          I second everything everyone else has said.

          My ex husband didn't have a substance abuse problem, but he said very hurtful and derogatory things, he threw things and broke stuff around the house when angry. He swore he'd never hurt me physically. I was miserable, my family was worried about me with him, I told him to get help for his anger and he refused. I didn't leave, I didn't insist he get help, I stuck with him.

          And then one day, he strangled me during a fight. Thankfully he let go before I passed out, because I couldn't fight him off.

          If he is emotionally and verbally abusive, and physically violent around you (even if not towards you. yet), you need to get your money and things in order and leave. It is my experience that he will not change. Get friends to help, or family. Whatever you need to do, get out of there.


          • #6
            Thanks all,
            He blames drinking on his back problem and says his faith has gone in the doctors because there is nothing more they can do, I don't think that's an excuse, he also doesn't understand my problem because he says he works hard and provides so what's wrong with him having a drink in the house, I wouldn't mind if it was once a week or even if he went out once a week but it's how much he ends up drinking.
            I've tried not saying anything about his drinking hoping he will realise himself I have also tried telling him how I feel but none of them makes a difference.
            things are not always bad and we have had a lot of good times so this makes it more difficult.
            I have also had a lot of shit from his family over the years which doesn't help.
            And I also found out I'm pregnant this week, wasn't planned but I am happy but I darnt tell him because I know he has said he doesn't want any more children so I am also smouldering this..
            I don't want to break up I want my daughter to have a mum and dad together but if things can't change then I see no other way.


            • #7
              Loulou393 Don't make the same mistake my dear mother did with remaining married to an alcoholic. He'll never change and all he will do is drag you and your daughter down with him just as my father had done to his wife and the mother of his 3 children. As tragic as it was, when my mother became a young widow, this "break up" was a relief long overdue. It was then when we started our new life without him rough as it was.

              My mother was beaten by him several times when I was a baby. Her teeth were knocked out and as a single mother, she worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to put food on the table. We lived a hand to mouth existence. Fast forward. She's currently riding off into the sunset as she's enjoying her deserved retirement. She raised 3 children all by herself without help from anyone. All 3 of her children became successful and enjoy their affluent lifestyle today. She can finally afford to fix her teeth now.

              Leave your alcoholic husband in order to save yourself and your child. Run with it and forge forward. You can succeed just like my mother.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


              • #8
                If you don't want to leave then there is something missing in you.

                You should want to leave someone who is mean, drinks too much and verbally abuses you and your daughter (yes it's abuse for her to be witnessing that kind of interaction).

                Get yourself to an alanon meeting near you and learn about codependency and how, by staying and putting up with it, you are enabling him to be the very person you don't like. He has an addiction to drink and you have an addiction to him.

                You've been trying to control him and what he does and you're failing at it which makes you miserable. Take control of yourself and do what you know is the right thing. Stop enabling him and let him hit his rock bottom so he can either sink or swim. You don't have to divorce right away but you do have to make him realize that you're not going to put up with his bad behaviour a minute longer.... get to that alanon meeting.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!