No announcement yet.

The fight to save my marriage

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The fight to save my marriage

    My wife and I got separated 1 year ago. We both had problems that kept getting worse and she decided she wanted me to move out. We have 3 children and are both 26. We met in the 6th grade and immediately started crushing on each other. We dated on and off through school and at the end of 11th grade I was ready to commit and we where together until the separation so 8 years. I was an alcoholic and just a couple weeks after separating she got into another relationship. Shortly after that they where living together and are still together. I think this was mainly just her way of coping with our problems. My way was to drink very heavily. I was mad and blamed her for everything. About 2 1/2 months ago I had a moment of clarity and realized I had basically been drunk every day for 2 1/2 years. I started to sober up try to better myself and figure out what I wanted in life. After a lot of reflection I realized that when we where together I was not the husband and father I should have been not only for drinking too much but it was the way I thought about everything. I had so many expectations and if she didn't live up to them I was resentful. This made us drift apart emotionally and I think was the reason for our problems. As the head of the family I shouldn't expect my wife or the kids to do anymore than what they SEE me do this means not using my job as a reason to neglect household obligations. I know now without a doubt what I truly want is my wife and no other woman. I want to dedicate myself to my family and make up for all the years I didn't. A little less than 2 month ago I told her this is what I want and I forgive her for everything and hold nothing against her. Which is the truth I truly believe if we get back together her relationship this past year will be a non issue for me. She was very hesitant at 1st but after a while she saw that I was bettering myself talking to her differently and not getting drunk. She says she is willing to wait and see what happens and is not planning on getting divorced in the near future. The past 2 weeks we have been talking a lot. Mainly just me explaining how I see things clear and realize how wrong I was and understand what kind of husband and father I need to be. I was very neglectful and honestly just mean to her before I held things over her head and would blame her for all the problems so I know she is scared that if we get back together in time it will be like that again which I understand completely. I know that she is still in love with me but the way she looks at me when we talk and when she sees me with the kids and how she comes to me with problems including problems with her boyfriend. The biggest problem I am facing in trying to prove that I truly have changed and am committed to our marriage/ family is that she does love her boyfriend. He helped her through a very bad time when her family fell apart and she was overwhelmed with grief and compared to the last year we where together treats her a lot better than I did. I understand that she loves him but it's clear to me that she is truly in love with me and wants me emotionally and physically. The only things holding her back is fear that I will fail her again and the fact that he will more than likely be heartbroken when she takes me back. I feel as though we where truly ment to be together and love at first sight in the 6th grade that is still there after all I have explained is something that should be fought for until the absolute last bit of hope is gone. Idk what my question is but sitting here alone knowing she'll be sleeping next to him tonight is very hard to say the least. So if there is any advice of any kind or any similar stories that worked out in the end please share. Thank you for reading

  • #2
    How old are your kids and where are they living?


    • #3
      All you can do is seek counseling for your alcohol addiction and the underlying reasons for the addiction, obtain ongoing support from a group, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, so you will have frequent accountability and support in your sobriety, be the best father you can to your children, and hope that your wife will see your efforts and be willing to give you another chance. I do know a couple who split up because of the husband's drinking, but after he sought counseling and attended AA meetings regularly, he was finally able to stay sober for a significant length of time, so he did end up getting back together with his wife. Last I heard, he had been able to stay sober for a few years, and was doing very well. Good luck. Please do seek help. You can't do it alone. Many alcoholics relapse at some point. The more help and ongoing support you have in place, the better your chances for remaining sober.


      • #4
        Have you been to rehab? Are you going to AA? Have you started a 12 step program? Being an alcoholic means you need more then to just stop drinking in order to be a changed man. You will have to show her that you are actually doing something tangible to remain clean and sober instead of just giving it lip service.

        You need to have guidance (in AA or personal therapy or both) in order to change permanently and you need to do that for YOURSELF, not her because if she doesn't break up with the guy she's living with then you're just wasting your time trying to win her over so you're going to need to be a better man for your children and for any new woman you may end up with should your wife not want to reconcile.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!