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Trying so hard but my heart hurts

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  • Trying so hard but my heart hurts

    I have been with my SO for about a year. In the beginning of our relationship, things got really rocky, he was treating me like shit, and unfortunately I had decided to email my ex who had been in prison. I told him that I loved him, missed him, because at the time I was feeling so alone. (I am not condoning my behavior in any way I'm actually incredibly ashamed). We even met in a park for an hour. No making out, nothing sexual. No physical affair. A month later my SO finds out and all hell breaks lose. Naturally, he's heart broken and betrayed. He's right for that, even though he had previously been showing signs of being mentally abusive. Demanding my location 24/7, photos of where I was and who I was with, controlling what I post on social media, what I wear, etc. It got really ugly really fast, his family found out, it was a mess. After about a week he decided we could try to work on things, but made it very clear I "owed him" and that he was "going to be a m***** f*****" to me until he can attempt to trust me again. The next few months were absolute hell of screaming, fighting. I did everything that I could to prove I would never hurt him again. I lost all of my friends, stopped going out without him, gave him all of my passwords, got rid of Facebook, snap chat, etc. Now 6 months later we live together. He very obviously still doesn't trust me. You can't force trust and I'm okay with that. But every day I go to work, come home, cook for him for two hours, clean, let him go through my phone, go to sleep, repeat. We have sex every single day whenever he wants. Any time I try to tell him that I feel unloved or unappreciated I get "well you aren't doing anything new to prove to me that I can trust you". Any time I get upset with him and he hurts me it's "this is nothing compared to what you did to me". It also doesn't help that his mom is the big C word (she was way before this all happened) and is intentionally trying to make my life a living hell. I'm so upset. I'm so very in love with this man but I feel like in his eyes, I will never do anything right, never be worthy of feeling loved. Anyone I speak to suggests maybe I should leave. But to think of life without him hurts my soul as I've never been in love like this before. But I feel very unloved, very unappreciated. Just very sad.

  • #2
    No sane woman would ever tolerate this kind of behavior from a man. Why did you move in with someone who was so abusive?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Things seemed better temporarily. Every time I try to tell him what he's doing wrong I don't know how to properly defend myself and explain to him how toxic his behavior is. His response is just "if you don't like it, I'll leave. "

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      • #4
        Then leave.
        The punishment is in no way representative for the offense.
        What you did was, granted, not smart. However, his 'punisment' is wildly over the top and insane.
        Just know that he would have found an excuse to treat you this way, regardless of what happened with you meeting your ex.
        Know that deep down he's this kind of man. He enjoys humiliating and controling you. Whatever mistake you made first, would be good enough to grant him the opportunity to show his true colours.

        Now get the hell away from him asap.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          Hm...not good at all. Do you have any kids with you?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by DonDada View Post
            Things seemed better temporarily. Every time I try to tell him what he's doing wrong I don't know how to properly defend myself and explain to him how toxic his behavior is. His response is just "if you don't like it, I'll leave. "
            Then tell him to leave for F sakes.

            What does YOUR mother say about you being with a man that is crazy and abusive and treating you like shit? What kind of childhood did you have that would allow you to stay and try and make a monster into a prince charming?

            Get out and stop saying it will "hurt your soul" He is chipping away at the essence that is you one controlling abusive episode at a time.

            Get yourself into therapy so that you learn to love yourself enough to dump this chump.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              You are only unloved because you donít love yourself.
              If you think life can only get worse than this without him , stay with him and realise you make your own bed.
              Like it or leave it.
              Your choice entirely.

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