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Coping in a controlling relationship

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  • Coping in a controlling relationship

    This is my 1st post and I'm hoping I'm in the correct area. I really need advise as I'm to embarrassed to speak to anyone about my situation.
    My self and my partner have been together for very close to 20 years. We are not married but have a house, car etc together. Anyway my point is he is very very controlling. My job means I have to go on courses maybe once or twice a year and when I do get told about a courses I am honestly petrified to tell him. I know the backlash and it is totally unbearable and extremely hurtful. I was told about my current course in May and only built up the courage to tell him a week before I had to leave. Since then the angry messages telling me to leave and never come back have been awful. He has slept on the couch for a week and even refuses to wash his cup or put rubbish in the bin.
    We have 2 dogs and he is currently blackmailing me with them. Refusing to feed or let them out, he came home from work at 4pm and is still in his bed (I am currently hundreds of miles away and out my mind with worry) he has blocked me on all social media, unblock me sends me a horrible message about the dogs then blocks me straight after so I can't even reply. My brother lives with us but is in extremely poor health and is struggling getting down the stairs to see to them. I honestly can't cope. I never go out I actually have no life and he is happy with that. I never ever stop him doing anything. Yet I have got My self in this situation where I'm to scared to go out. I've lost all confidence in My self and do everything to keep everyone else happy. He doubts me with everything. He has major trust issues and I've never done anything wrong. I keep my mouth shut as I don't like confrontation and the whole arguing not talking......He can drag a little comment into a 2 week not talking to me. I've reached the stage in life where I simply can't cope anymore. I seemed to have gone back 30 years in my life and feel like I'm reliving a horrible stage of my life where my mum and dad argued all the time and I was scared to go home.
    We get on perfect if I don't have a course, or if I do have a course and he can come with me. We have been planning our 20th anniversary but I really am struggling to see us lasting till the end of the month let alone end of the year. I'm struggling to put this into words as I've never spoken to anyone and just keep everything bottled up. He knows he is hurting me and I feel he is getting some sort of kick out of it. I feel he has one thing to hold over me and that's my dogs. I've been told I'm neglecting them as I went on a course but I sorted them out around his shift. I don't know what to do. I don't feel I'm strong enough to leave, I don't know what to do, think or feel. I know if I stay I will never have my own life and if I leave I will lose everything that is important to me. Everyone comes to me with there problems and I will support anyone but I kind of feel that I'm screaming for someone to listen to me scream, shout, swear and cry. He comes across as such a nice person and everyone thinks he is so kind and caring yet I know different. I know how selfish he is and how he twists it all around and blames me.

    I've gone on enough, I'm struggling to get her it all out and I don't want to sound pathetic and well weak as I use to be a strong willed person.

  • #2
    His behavior is absolutely sick and beyond redemption. What is stopping you from moving out and getting away from him?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      I think you're overreacting, OP, and you're not addressing the pet situation effectively with your partner. You say you get on perfect when you don't have courses but he flips whenever you have to go away to do a course. What the f- happened in the past where you went on courses and why do you have pets in the first place?

      You say your brother is living in your house in poor health and this is an added responsibility, yes. You also say you have dogs which are another responsibility. Why do you have dogs in an unhealthy or unstable situation/marriage? It's clear that you're both NOT on the same page about the pets and they are unwanted by at least one of you. Have you both addressed the issue of pets?


      • #4
        My dog is nearly 15!! And they are NOT unwanted! I never said my brother is an added responsibility I said he has been helping. You think I'm over reacting! I've lived with this for the last 8 years and it isn't just to do with going on a course ! Nothing has ever happened when I've been on a course and don't insult me by saying so. Totally uncalled for and in future I think I should not bother expressing how I'm feeling if I get a response like that.


        • #5
          Stop being so overly sensitive. The bottom line is that he is mean, controlling, manipulative, selfish and abusive. You say you used to be a strong willed person. What happened to turn you into a victim? Never mind about the pets. Get yourself out of this situation.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


          • #6
            I'm sorry-I didn't mean to insult you. I think you're very upset and we may not be receiving the full picture and what's triggering these disagreements in your marriage. Only you know the reasons for the breakdown in your relationship and how things got so bad or why you are still there. Have you thought about talking to a support line or speaking to someone in person or over the phone (ie help line through work)?


            • #7
              Your common law husband is, by all accounts, a narcissistic prick and why you would stay and put up with his shit is beyond me. Take your dogs, gather up your brother and his belongings and get the hell away from the giant baby you are living with.
              BUT (big but) Go and see a lawyer first and find out what your rights and obligations are with regards to splitting assets and retribution for the mental cruelty he's bestowed upon you.

              If you're not going to leave then for goodness sakes next time you have to go on a course, board the dogs at a kennel and don't tell him where they are boarded. That way you can sit back and laugh at his histrionics.

              So... why DO you stay with the likes of him? Are things really that "perfect" as long as you don't go on a trip?
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


              • #8
                Summersun75 I hope you can somehow end and get out of this dysfunctional relationship. You've stopped me cold when you mentioned animal abuse. He refuses to feed the dogs and let them out. This just makes my blood boil. I have a Golden Retriever and she is truly man and woman's best friend. Don't even get me started! Anyway, ditch the loser as in yesterday!
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


                • #9
                  .Hi Summer. It sounds like you are having a difficult time in your relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you considered what is best for you and your life? Have you considered writing out what you want you life to be like and getting together a plan to do it. You have to consider your health and mental well-being in any relationship. No one deserves to be mistreated. Have you considered getting professional counseling for both of you. If your partner does not want counseling, maybe consider going on your own. Maybe it would allow you to have someone to talk to about your relationship and how to handle things. You don't sound pathetic. Maybe consider professional counseling to help you get your self confidence back. Wishing you the best.


                  • #10
                    The thing is that yes you are in a controlling relationship but no you are not coping.

                    You say you get on perfect ďif you donít have a courseĒ however thatís not actually the case is it?
                    You donít have a choice but to go on the course and what happens when HE canít control that? He loses the plot.

                    You do have a choice to remain indoors or go out with friends , but YOU are choosing not to go out allowing him to control your behaviour out of fear of him losing the plot .

                    What happened 8 years ago? You say itís been going on 8 out of 20 years? Only???

                    You arent coping being in a controlling relationship but no one ever does, they simply endure it.

                    There are no tactics or techniques to coping.
                    The only actual option for the benefit of you is to leave.
                    As phases said , consult a lawyer first. Make a get away plan and only make it known to him when the plan is going ahead. And you and your pets are not in danger.