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  • Birthday gift was a lie

    Hi all,

    My wife of 2 years has just confessed to me that my birthday gift that she got me 7 months ago, a voucher to a jazz club, had never existed in the first place. I'm not a material guy at all, but it's the length she went to in order to conceal the truth that I find hurtful. She got me a few other smaller things, and a very nice wallet, which would have been more than enough for me.

    She is in a design related occupation, so was able to forge a voucher that seemed real to me at the time. She has now said that she just couldn't afford it at the time and wanted to give it to me.

    The truth only surfaced when I found something I wanted to use the voucher for, which forced her to concede that it was a fake.

    I feel rather conflicted about this, because she indicates that she only had the best intentions at heart, yet I also feel that I have been dishonestly deceived for over half a year by someone who is supposed to be my other half. I spoke with her about this and she just said she will get me a real ticket some other time, but I said that this was rather missing the point, and that I no longer wanted to go (has pretty much become a rotten subject now).

    How does one rationalize this? We are a very close, loving couple, which makes it hard for me to figure out how to proceed from here.
    Last edited by flyinghorse25; September 11th, 2018, 08:41 AM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by flyinghorse25 View Post
    Hi all,
    We are a very close, loving couple,
    Then stop making a big deal about small mistakes.

    You know she meant no harm. She was broke and embarrassed and made a mistake. So do we all. It's called being human.
    You can badger her fot it until the cows come home, or you can just chalk this up to a lapse in judgement and move on.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks for your response. Although I think it's a little rude and presumptive that you'd say I'm making a big deal about it, and that I'm badgering her (?!).

      I've been trying to end the discussion as soon as she told me the gift was a counterfeit, but she is pushing to keep the discussion going, saying that I'm punishing her for not wanting to go anymore. She is unable to comprehend that the feelings of excitement before her admission have been replaced by other feelings, which makes the whole thing a rather sore subject. That being said, the reason I am on here is to get perspective as to what people think, so thanks regardless.

      Really this whole thing has just opened the floodgates as to what else she might forget to tell me. I just keep seeing that fake voucher in my head which was forged ever-so-elaborately, using her company's professional printers, and then I get this feeling like I've had the air knocked out of me.

      Incidentally, I paid for her side of a vacation we just took for her Xmas present. I asked her how she'd feel if, a week before we were due to go on vacation, that I said actually it was all a lie, and the proof of deposit I showed her was a counterfeit, and that there would be no holiday. But we can still go next month instead!! She said she wouldn't be happy. And I'm pretty sure that if your SO did that to you, you wouldn't be overly impressed either.

      I see no difference between two such situations; it's about the deception, nothing to do with not receiving a present. She could have taken me for coffee and I'd have been happy.

      Comment


      • #4
        You ARE making a big deal about it.

        I agree that she was just broke and made a mistake in judgment. Now you are wondering what other things she may have been faking in your marriage. If she has a good job, it's puzzling to me why she had to do that. How much could a voucher to a jazz club cost?

        At any rate, unless there are other incidents that you can think of where she may have been deceiving you, you probably just need to let it go. I'm sure she understands that it was a mistake.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for your response Sarah. Perhaps I am making a big deal of it then, if that's what bystanders seem to think. It's just not a nice feeling being lied to, whether it's a mistake in judgement or not, and it's uncharacteristic of her, so sent me reeling a little.

          At the same time, it's easy to treat something you're not involved in without emotion and purely as a matter of logic. Like I said to the other user, if your SO had supposedly paid for your side of a vacation, and had shown you the 'evidence' of his payment, i.e. confirmation email, and then proceeded to tell you that it was a lie a week before you went away, I doubt you'd say 'no problem honey, just a lapse in judgement!'.

          I guess I just don't believe in 'mistakes in judgement'. It seems a cop-out. People say that when they cheat it was 'just a lapse in judgement'. Or if you say you're going away for work, but you're actually going to your friend's place for a weekend of getting wrecked 'sorry just a mistake in judgement'. Where does one draw the line?

          Thanks anyway for your input ladies.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by flyinghorse25 View Post
            Thanks for your response. Although I think it's a little rude and presumptive that you'd say I'm making a big deal about it, and that I'm badgering her (?!).

            I've been trying to end the discussion as soon as she told me the gift was a counterfeit, but she is pushing to keep the discussion going, saying that I'm punishing her for not wanting to go anymore. She is unable to comprehend that the feelings of excitement before her admission have been replaced by other feelings, which makes the whole thing a rather sore subject. That being said, the reason I am on here is to get perspective as to what people think, so thanks regardless.

            Really this whole thing has just opened the floodgates as to what else she might forget to tell me. I just keep seeing that fake voucher in my head which was forged ever-so-elaborately, using her company's professional printers, and then I get this feeling like I've had the air knocked out of me.

            Incidentally, I paid for her side of a vacation we just took for her Xmas present. I asked her how she'd feel if, a week before we were due to go on vacation, that I said actually it was all a lie, and the proof of deposit I showed her was a counterfeit, and that there would be no holiday. But we can still go next month instead!! She said she wouldn't be happy. And I'm pretty sure that if your SO did that to you, you wouldn't be overly impressed either.

            I see no difference between two such situations; it's about the deception, nothing to do with not receiving a present. She could have taken me for coffee and I'd have been happy.
            You were so excited about this voucher yet didn’t try to use it until 7 months later? (So not actually that excited)
            You are married 2 years yet no financial commitment? No joint bank account?
            Do you feel even slightly remorseful at the fact that you have now made her feel guilty that you paid for her side of a vacation that you took for her Xmas present??? “Her side”???? Wtf?

            You are not the loving close couple you pretend to be. You keep finances seperate and you pretend to be happy with a coffee voucher.
            You then go on about how you paid for her holiday. ( it’s a freaking gift so don’t ever mention again) You are a controlling asshole who thinks his “wife” should match your incomings and outgoings. Who earns more and are the bills shared equally?

            She created a fake voucher because she succumbs to you and your idiotic views.
            Can you give me her number so I can talk her out of your deception and thwarted view of marriage?

            Comment


            • #7
              I understand what you're saying. It is troublesome that she would feel the need to do that.

              Have there been other incidents in the time you've known her where she was deceptive?
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                You were so excited about this voucher yet didn’t try to use it until 7 months later? (So not actually that excited)
                You are married 2 years yet no financial commitment? No joint bank account?
                Do you feel even slightly remorseful at the fact that you have now made her feel guilty that you paid for her side of a vacation that you took for her Xmas present??? “Her side”???? Wtf?

                You are not the loving close couple you pretend to be. You keep finances seperate and you pretend to be happy with a coffee voucher.
                You then go on about how you paid for her holiday. ( it’s a freaking gift so don’t ever mention again) You are a controlling asshole who thinks his “wife” should match your incomings and outgoings. Who earns more and are the bills shared equally?

                She created a fake voucher because she succumbs to you and your idiotic views.
                Can you give me her number so I can talk her out of your deception and thwarted view of marriage?
                Yeah, I wanted to wait until there was someone playing at the jazz club I really wanted to see.

                Whether we decide to get a joint bank account or not is none of your business whatsoever. Know your place, my dear keyboard warrior.

                We are quite poor, and pay for our own halves of holiday. Neither of us can afford to pay for an entire holiday for two.

                Yes, I would be happy with being taken for a coffee for my birthday. I feel sorry for you that this is so hard to comprehend.

                I was in two minds as to whether I should even justify your psychotic ramblings with a response, but here you go anyway, enjoy.

                You clearly have a blinkered view of relationships and likely also society as a whole. Speaking of holidays, it seems to me you'd benefit greatly from one.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I think it's an odd thing to do, yes. But why did she feel she needed to do that? I'd be more interested in hearing her take on it and hearing her speak if she wants to speak. This isn't really an affront on your person or the relationship specifically but you're taking it very personally. Aren't you more interested in hearing why that person felt the need to do that (as a person, as her individually)? I get that you're annoyed and confused but put those emotions aside and stop thinking so much about how someone did you wrong and find out more about her as a person.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                    I understand what you're saying. It is troublesome that she would feel the need to do that.

                    Have there been other incidents in the time you've known her where she was deceptive?
                    Thanks again for your response Sarah. No, there haven't been at all. I just came here because it seemed totally alien, so I felt like I should gain some perspective. I did not know what to think.

                    I've taken a breather, and listened to you and the other person who originally commented had to say, which gave me a fresh breath of air with which to revisit the conversation. It seems she just really wanted to do her best, and was worried that what she got me wouldn't be enough. Her plan was to simply buy the tickets when I found something I really wanted to go see, but she had to come clean because we've just returned from holiday so she doesn't have the funds to do it now. Perfect storm, you could say.

                    She says she didn't want to disappoint, ironically! All is good. Thank you for your honesty and for offering your perspective.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                      I think it's an odd thing to do, yes. But why did she feel she needed to do that? I'd be more interested in hearing her take on it and hearing her speak if she wants to speak. This isn't really an affront on your person or the relationship specifically but you're taking it very personally. Aren't you more interested in hearing why that person felt the need to do that (as a person, as her individually)? I get that you're annoyed and confused but put those emotions aside and stop thinking so much about how someone did you wrong and find out more about her as a person.
                      You are spot on. Yup, once I leveled my head, I wanted to revisit the part of the conversation that would help me understand why she would need to do that. She would certainly agree that I am a laid back person, and she knows I would have been happy with an IOU saying that she planned to just get the ticket when I found something, which was indeed her plan. I think she just left it all last minute and panicked, I guess.

                      We've spoken about this in particular, which has certainly made me feel better. Always feels good to get to the root cause.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by flyinghorse25 View Post

                        Yeah, I wanted to wait until there was someone playing at the jazz club I really wanted to see.

                        Whether we decide to get a joint bank account or not is none of your business whatsoever. Know your place, my dear keyboard warrior.

                        We are quite poor, and pay for our own halves of holiday. Neither of us can afford to pay for an entire holiday for two.

                        Yes, I would be happy with being taken for a coffee for my birthday. I feel sorry for you that this is so hard to comprehend.

                        I was in two minds as to whether I should even justify your psychotic ramblings with a response, but here you go anyway, enjoy.

                        You clearly have a blinkered view of relationships and likely also society as a whole. Speaking of holidays, it seems to me you'd benefit greatly from one.
                        But you did pay for an entire holiday for two? You just didn’t get her a Christmas present. No big deal .
                        If finances are a struggle for you both then you could agree on a no present rule and instead spend quality time together on special occasions.

                        Perhaps bevause her holiday with her husband was “gifted” to her , she felt obliged to get you something substantial for your birthday.
                        I believe her intentions were good, however if 7 months later she was unable to put a small amount of money away for jazz tickets , then perhaps money is not actually the issue but budgeting is?

                        I think joining finances is advisable and the one who is the better person to budget controls it. Sounds like that would be you not her.
                        Do you both share the same long term financial goals?

                        Everyone needs a holiday but when finances are tight , it really shouldn’t be used for a holiday if it’s draining the last cents.
                        No your finances are none of my business but your post was about deception because of your finances.

                        Of course I can comprehend that you would be happy with being taken for coffee for your birthday , it’s YOUR wife that doesn’t!
                        Have you told her that? Understood her position? Why she did what she did?

                        Yes I do need a holiday thank you and going overseas next week.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          flyinghorse25 She said she had good intentions and will buy you a real ticket when she can afford it. Both of you are close and loving so cherish that since most people would give anything to have what you have. Pick your battles. Keep the peace. It's not worth drama and fighting. Let this blow over. Learn to forgive quickly. I'm sure you're not so perfect either.
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Yall are going to laugh but I do xmas and birthday shopping year round as in when I find useful/appropriate gifts I buy them and it doesn't matter if the birthday is in November and I spot it in February. As a result there is a small area under our closet where gifts are accumulated throughout the year and as birthdays and xmas comes, they're already in the bag down there for each person (they're individualized and specific to each person). Nobody is allowed to go in there but me. My husband did once but learned not to. This way I don't really ever have to go looking or have the last minute feel. Other years we also did as Maggie mentioned and saved towards a holiday but there was usually still a small token or gift to commemorate that day especially a birthday. I'm so glad you both got to talk about it and hope not just you but she feels better too. Keep talking it out and don't just talk about it but tell each other how much you love one another and keep reaffirming that love.

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