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I love this girl to bits...BUT she will be the death of me.

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  • I love this girl to bits...BUT she will be the death of me.

    So i've been dating this girl for about a year now - just over infact. There was a 2 month break period, whereby she spent the whole time hopping across to different guys, way older than her, bikers, real hard nuts that wanted sex and nothing more, and it bugs the shit out of me seeing as the one girl I tried to see, I ended up leaving, just because she was still on my mind far too much, but yet she seemed to go off and have sex with loads of other guys as if it was nothing?

    Anyway, we got back together, and she said to me that she was really sorry, that she couldn't believe she ever let me go, she couldn't believe she abused me so much to the point where I left. And there lies the main problem. She is still INCREDIBLY abusive, in every sense of the word, nowhere near as much as she used to be, but when she's happy, the relationship is perfect. But that's exactly it. Its all on her terms.

    I do love her, and i've done everything for her. I've financially supported her and her family by working 4 jobs at one time, i've put my army career on hold - i left - so that I can focus on helping her, i take her to loads of nice places, i care for her, i treat her. I love this girl to bits. But i know I shouldn't, and i don't quite know what to do. My family don't like her one bit because of how much she's done to me, the threats she's made etc. She's threatened to tell police I raped her just to get me in trouble, she's faked suicide and blamed it on me...
    As we speak, we're arguing about the fact that she can't get over me trying to see this one girl during the break - which was solely a mission to replace her, and i couldn't, yet she went and had sex with half the town, when she promised me she wouldn't...and she also lied to me at first, saying she spent the 2 months to herself, and didn't see any other guy...of course I found out, because unluckily for her, i'm a lot more respected than she is. So people told me. And she's terrible at lying. If i had it my way, i'd rather not have known.

    She's caused me all sorts of mental issues, anger problems, trust issues, the lot, and to sum it up, I can see how from the outside looking in, she's no good for me. But I can't shake it off. For me, it's her or nothing. I want it to work so badly, because when it's good, man, is it really good, and no girl would ever replace her. But it's not always good. She walks all over me, she walks all over her family - who are actually on my side, they see me like a son, as part of the family. What does she blame for her right to abuse me so much? Her father died 4 years ago, and every chance she gets, it becomes an excuse for her actions. And of course, I know it's an excuse at this point because it makes its way into the most irrelevant situations, but yet her family and I can't exactly say that to her, because she'll retaliate with the whole "everyone deals with it differently" approach, as she already has done multiple times.

    I need some kind of help. I want it to work, i'm desperate to make something of this relationship, i've tried to be with people that treated me far better, and I just couldn't love them anywhere near as much. If someone can decipher this absolute mess of text and give me some advice, i'd really really appreciate it. I never thought i'd turn to relationship forums, but yet here I am. I have no friends left because of her, her family are basically letting her carry on and blaming it on her mental instability, and my own family would disown me if they knew I was still anything to do with her.

    Thank you for reading, and I really hope someone can help me, even just a little. I've run out of sacrifices I can make for her, i've run out of energy to be a punching bag, but nothing I am doing seems to get through to her. She tells me that she doesn't love anyone else, and that she wants a future with me, and sees it no other way, yet I get less respect than any of her one night stands. I'm getting all the flak for being the one that actually stands by her.

    J Carter.

  • #2
    It's not going to work. Ever. Do you enjoy being a doormat?

    She obviously has some serious mental issues, and her claims of loving you ring very shallow in light of her behavior.

    Break up with her for good and block her from communicating with you.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      It's not going to work. Ever. Do you enjoy being a doormat?

      She obviously has some serious mental issues, and her claims of loving you ring very shallow in light of her behavior.

      Break up with her for good and block her from communicating with you.
      Hi Sarah, Thank you for your response.

      I don't enjoy being a doormat whatsoever, but what I can't seem to understand is that I made an effort to be somewhere else, with another girl who was far more successful, treated me far better, and was actually interested in my wellbeing, and I hated it, because it wasn't her. I have every reason to be with another girl, but something stops me, the thought of her with someone else hurts too much for some reason. It's not even like i'm blind to the situation either, I am very conscious of what she's doing, yet i'm almost in denial, I want to believe that she really can't help it?

      Comment


      • #4
        You seem to be addicted to abuse...kind of like the battered-wife syndrome.

        I recommend that you get some professional help in order for you to understand why you want to maintain a relationship with someone who abuses you, takes your money, delays your career, threatens to cry rape, and lies and cheats.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          You seem to be addicted to abuse...kind of like the battered-wife syndrome.

          I recommend that you get some professional help in order for you to understand why you want to maintain a relationship with someone who abuses you, takes your money, delays your career, threatens to cry rape, and lies and cheats.
          Addicted to abuse? that's quite a kick to the stomach. You're not the first person to say that though, my own family suggested the same thing.

          I'd like very much to be cared about, I didn't hate the other girl for being nice to me, infact that part was actually really nice, it was almost hard to accept and believe considering what i've been through - I just want it to be by her. When she's in a good mood and when she's not out to get me, she is the best person you could ever meet. She's also the kind of girl that always has all eyes on her. If she's in a room, she's always the centerpiece, and I know she knows it too. I still feel really lucky to have her, although on the other side of the coin, I envy the stability of other relationships. The only reason we can't be the same, is because her head is firmly stuck up her own ass, and I just need something to happen that gives it a massive pull, because one day she will open her eyes. And I want to be with her when that day comes.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
            You seem to be addicted to abuse...kind of like the battered-wife syndrome.

            I recommend that you get some professional help in order for you to understand why you want to maintain a relationship with someone who abuses you, takes your money, delays your career, threatens to cry rape, and lies and cheats.
            I have already been through the loop of therapy once because of her, and to that end, nothing seemed to help much, although I'm sure that can be due to the fact that i'm still in her prescence and therefore i'm constantly exposed to the same trauma.

            Comment


            • #7
              Exactly. Which is why you need to break up with her for good, wish her well and then block her from communicating with you. Stop being a schmuck and letting her control you. Be a man and take control of your life before you wind up in jail on a rape charge.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

              Comment


              • #8
                I think you're a bit off, OP. The last thing you should be in is in a relationship. Figure yourself out. You're in this mess of your own doing. Complaining about how bad you have it and how you're a victim won't help you in the long run. Just as you've said she's got her head up her ass, so do you. I think you're burning a lot of bridges in regards to your relationships with your friends and family also. It doesn't sound like you fully appreciate anything good in your life until it's gone. I think you psychologically like a challenge and you like the chase that comes with chasing for stability but never having it. I don't think you're ready to move on to a stable relationship because you really don't know what to do with yourself once you are in a stable place.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I do love her, and i've done everything for her. I've financially supported her and her family by working 4 jobs at one time,
                  I'm sorry but here goes: ^^^ THAT doesn't make you a good guy... It makes you an idiot who puts his own well being to the shitter to try and fix other people's problems.

                  YOU need to go to therapy to help you get over your white knight syndrome and to rehab from your addiction to a promiscuous borderline personality disordered douchette.

                  This is about YOU and your codependency which you'll never get through unless you figure out what codependency is, why you suffer in it and learn tools (boundaries) that will help you over come it.

                  This woman you are addicted to is mentally ill and anyone that was NOT codependent or suffering with lack of self-respect and self worth would have run screaming from her skanky self at the first, if not second sign of what ails her. The big question here is why you didn't and to get help with that.

                  Google codependency and Love Addiction which is about you.
                  Google Borderline Personality Disorder which is about her. (I'm no psychiatrist but she sure sounds like a BPD'er)

                  You need more help then what a forum can do for you. You need another therapist (if the other one(s) didn't work) one proficient in codependency issues like you seem to have. You need to go zero contact from the d-bag you're addicted to so you rehab from your drug of choice known as "bad girlfriend." It's how all drug addicts reform... with zero contact with their drug of choice. Its not love you have for her. It's codependent addiction to her.
                  Last edited by phasesofthemoon; September 10th, 2018, 03:20 PM.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                    I think you're a bit off, OP. The last thing you should be in is in a relationship. Figure yourself out. You're in this mess of your own doing. Complaining about how bad you have it and how you're a victim won't help you in the long run. Just as you've said she's got her head up her ass, so do you. I think you're burning a lot of bridges in regards to your relationships with your friends and family also. It doesn't sound like you fully appreciate anything good in your life until it's gone. I think you psychologically like a challenge and you like the chase that comes with chasing for stability but never having it. I don't think you're ready to move on to a stable relationship because you really don't know what to do with yourself once you are in a stable place.
                    You've made a few really good points here and I really appreciate the response - though I was not intending on complaining how bad i've got it, more outlining the whole situation, so people can see that i'm not exactly a dick who gives her reason to treat me this way. I really cannot see how when i'm trying my best for this girl, she is still set in her ow approach of how she treats me, there's not much more I can give her, she tells me she's happy to have me, but all evidence would point the opposite direction? I think alot also comes down to the fact that I only put myself through this because I KNOW that she is better than this and can be, and I KNOW that she will realise it sooner or later, i'm just hoping it's sooner. But I do understand that it's not my place to dictate when that is. the bridges I am burning are unfortunately my own fault, I do understand that too.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      I'm sorry but here goes: ^^^ THAT doesn't make you a good guy... It makes you an idiot who puts his own well being to the shitter to try and fix other people's problems.

                      YOU need to go to therapy to help you get over your white knight syndrome and to rehab from your addiction to a promiscuous borderline personality disordered douchette.

                      This is about YOU and your codependency which you'll never get through unless you figure out what codependency is, why you suffer in it and learn tools (boundaries) that will help you over come it.

                      This woman you are addicted to is mentally ill and anyone that was NOT codependent or suffering with lack of self-respect and self worth would have run screaming from her skanky self at the first, if not second sign of what ails her. The big question here is why you didn't and to get help with that.

                      Google codependency and Love Addiction which is about you.
                      Google Borderline Personality Disorder which is about her. (I'm no psychiatrist but she sure sounds like a BPD'er)

                      You need more help then what a forum can do for you. You need another therapist (if the other one(s) didn't work) one proficient in codependency issues like you seem to have. You need to go zero contact from the d-bag you're addicted to so you rehab from your drug of choice known as "bad girlfriend." It's how all drug addicts reform... with zero contact with their drug of choice. Its not love you have for her. It's codependent addiction to her.
                      I'm really thankful of your approach to this, i've never really seen it as me having an addiction of a sort. I've been very sure of myself in saying that i'm in love with this girl, but codependency, upon some research, sounds all too familiar in my case. I have always been the kind to put others before me, hence my career as a soldier, and unfortunately hence me giving that career up. But maybe upon this situation and how the general community has responded, its become clear to me that I may need to take a step back and realise that I am part of the problem, so thank you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by J Carter View Post

                        You've made a few really good points here and I really appreciate the response - though I was not intending on complaining how bad i've got it, more outlining the whole situation, so people can see that i'm not exactly a dick who gives her reason to treat me this way. I really cannot see how when i'm trying my best for this girl, she is still set in her ow approach of how she treats me, there's not much more I can give her, she tells me she's happy to have me, but all evidence would point the opposite direction? I think alot also comes down to the fact that I only put myself through this because I KNOW that she is better than this and can be, and I KNOW that she will realise it sooner or later, i'm just hoping it's sooner. But I do understand that it's not my place to dictate when that is. the bridges I am burning are unfortunately my own fault, I do understand that too.
                        You are NOT trying your best for this girl.
                        In fact the opposite. You are enabling her abusive behaviour.
                        Why won’t she stop with the abuse? Because there is no consequence. In fact only rewards.
                        She threatens rape etc and what do you do? Give her more money , take her to nice places etc

                        The absolute best thing you can do for her is to leave her fend for herself.

                        Walk away and block her.

                        She won’t sink , she will either swim or find another to keep her afloat.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Just as a small update I went over to her place today in order to talk about things and to be honest with her and tell her that I was on my last legs, as well as spoke to her about the fact that I may need to consider getting some help from other people again. She ended up forcing herself to cry (it was all very rehearsed and staged, like she'd watched too many movies) and then after the initial upset, the volcano erupted and she started shouting at me again. I told her I wasn't going to stand for it and that i'm not in the relationship to be shouted at, that she was choosing to act that way towards me and therefore I had no sympathy. so as I left, she proceeded to follow me up the road, call me every name under the sun and then storm off swearing at me as I walked to my car. I'll probably get an apology tomorrow morning, as what she usually tends to do is spend the next day saying things like "i'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry" etc etc. and then fills the time with the usual "why do you still even love me". it's either that or she'll carry this on into tomorrow and she'll tell me this was all my fault. I think realistically, I do need to find a way out of the relationship. Her family helped me leave last time, but I don't think they will let me this time, considering the people that helped me leave last time are now giving me every reason to stay, as they also don't want her to go back to the way she was before I met her. I get that its ultimately not my responsibility what she does, but the way I am, of course i'm going to feel somewhat responsible. I struggle to leave in fear that she will do something to harm either me or herself.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                            You are NOT trying your best for this girl.
                            In fact the opposite. You are enabling her abusive behaviour.
                            Why won’t she stop with the abuse? Because there is no consequence. In fact only rewards.
                            She threatens rape etc and what do you do? Give her more money , take her to nice places etc

                            The absolute best thing you can do for her is to leave her fend for herself.

                            Walk away and block her.

                            She won’t sink , she will either swim or find another to keep her afloat.
                            I have just seen this. I do agree that this is the case, however I already left once, and I ended up going back because I was watching her destroy herself without me. I have her blocked on social media anyway, as beforehand, she would constantly post statuses about me, or if she got mad at me, she would block me out and use that power over me, therefore I took that power away and blocked her myself. the only way we communicate is over text or in person and i've aready said to her that if she chooses to block my number - which i've already had to change once due to harrasment from her previously - then i'll take that as her wanting nothing to do with me, and funnily enough, she hasn't done it since.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by J Carter View Post
                              Just as a small update I went over to her place today in order to talk about things and to be honest with her and tell her that I was on my last legs, as well as spoke to her about the fact that I may need to consider getting some help from other people again. She ended up forcing herself to cry (it was all very rehearsed and staged, like she'd watched too many movies) and then after the initial upset, the volcano erupted and she started shouting at me again. I told her I wasn't going to stand for it and that i'm not in the relationship to be shouted at, that she was choosing to act that way towards me and therefore I had no sympathy. so as I left, she proceeded to follow me up the road, call me every name under the sun and then storm off swearing at me as I walked to my car. I'll probably get an apology tomorrow morning, as what she usually tends to do is spend the next day saying things like "i'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry" etc etc. and then fills the time with the usual "why do you still even love me". it's either that or she'll carry this on into tomorrow and she'll tell me this was all my fault. I think realistically, I do need to find a way out of the relationship. Her family helped me leave last time, but I don't think they will let me this time, considering the people that helped me leave last time are now giving me every reason to stay, as they also don't want her to go back to the way she was before I met her. I get that its ultimately not my responsibility what she does, but the way I am, of course i'm going to feel somewhat responsible. I struggle to leave in fear that she will do something to harm either me or herself.
                              To her, you are either black or white. Did you google Borderline Personality Disorder and see if any of the symptoms resonate with you about her? Google histrionic personality disordered as well.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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