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  • Feeling unwanted and unconnected

    My DH and I have been together since we were kids. 10 years together and 1 married. From when we got engaged until about now, I have been nothing but happy. Now, Iím just struggling with feeling lonely and not connected. This summer, DH has been really busy with work and chose to play in a few sporting leagues so he hasnít been around for at least 1-5 nights sometimes a week. We really have barely had quality time (even just at home) together.

    Now his sports are over and work is dying down and I guess I thought it would be better but I am just feeling down about us. It started when he lied one night about him not drinking and then driving (just one beer but itís the fact he lied to me and he knows that is a big deal to me). Then he also lied saying he was going into work one morning and he actually was visiting his family instead (which I donít care about but we have had issues where he helps his family with their house, chores etc more than he does around our house so he prolly didnít want to tell me he was going over there). Besides that, he just never really makes any initiative to connect- heís always on his phone, gaming, watching his tv shows, or falling asleep. When I try to lay with him, he often says ďI donít want to lay like that- itís not comfortableĒ but doesnít come up with another solution. I just feel unwanted and that has made me feel desperate. I started crying last weekend for what seemed no reason when we were watching a show in bed because I just know we arenít acting like we used to and I told him I donít feel connected. He said he doesnít want me to feel that way, he loves me, itís been a tough summer, and it will get better. But now tonight, our only night to spend together this week, he doesnít let me lay on him and falls asleep. I just want to feel wanted and Iíve told him that I donít feel connected. I donít know what else to say to him that will make him want me more?

  • #2
    Flower22 I'm sorry you're going through this. How about arranging activities together such as date nights? Do things together such as have a picnic at a park, lake, beach, take walks in the neighborhood after dinner every evening or often, play card or board games together, go out to eat, etc. Hopefully, during those times, there can be good conversation between both of you and you'll feel connected just like the good old days. Get out of your rut.

    Since he's into fitness, how about working out (exercising) together? Go for a bike ride? Jog? Or, evening walks after dinnertime is refreshing.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      How about you stop sweating the small stuff?

      He is lying to you about insignificant things because you berate him for it.

      Why is it such a BIG deal to you that he has ONE beer and drives?
      Itís not a big deal to him and the majority of people so get over it!

      I have yet to meet a man who doesnít do more odd jobs at home than at other peopleís houses. Lol Thatís most men for you! Lol
      My Dad, brother, uncles, brother in laws etc.
      so funny!
      My sister hires a handy man and all of a sudden her hubby starts doing all the odd jobs around the house .
      Itís a male ego thing lol and again get over it!

      Your one night you have to spend together , you donít arrange something to do but instead watch tv in bed. Well everyone knows that puts men to sleep lol And you are upset because he wonít let you lay on top of him? Seriously??!

      Why if you want to feel connected to him , do you then go out of your way to disconnect?

      When was your last date?

      Comment


      • #4
        The reason the drinking and driving was a big deal to me is because he works for my family’s business and he was driving a company car so my parents could get sued or lose their business if he was caught which we talked about before he decided to take that car and he’s said he wouldn’t drink at all.

        For our night together, he doesn’t want to do anything else but watch tv. I ask him to go walk, go out to eat, etc and he says he doesn’t want to. He’s sort of a home body which is fine with me if we could be connecting while doing it.

        Our last date...Probably dinner and a movie in July or something? He’s been really busy and when he is not busy, just wants to stay Home.

        He’s just negative all the time. When I try to talk it’s often “Shh I’m listening to (tv, phone etc). He’s always complaining about how I do stuff and just never seems happy with anything. I’ve told him this and he says he is stressed and crabby and will try to be better.

        Comment


        • #5
          Don't let him make excuses as to why he can't spend quality time together. He needs to prioritize the marriage in order for it to be healthy. Right now, he is neglecting it and you are growing apart. Tell him that it is important for your marriage that he spend time with you actually connecting to and talking to you, not sitting in front of the T.V. or doing his own thing every night. Insist on having a date night once a week. Suggest going for a walk after dinner together, or a bike ride. Figure out together one hobby you can both do together, and then make plans to do it. Some of the happiest couples I know have a shared hobby or passion they enjoy together. If he won't consider it, then you have bigger problems than just growing apart. Time to take action, and not let the status quo to continue, or you will find your feelings for him are diminishing and resentment is setting in. It already has, but you can turn this around if you take action. Ask to sit down with him tonight and talk about some things, and then go over what I have outlined above. If he does not follow through, then I suggest you enlist the help of a counselor to be an ally in improving your marriage. Sometimes just the suggestion of going to counseling is enough to motivate a person to make more of an effort.

          Comment


          • #6
            He has his sports. Do you have any hobbies that you do, *Flower22?* Do you have friends of your own that you can do things with?

            Start dressing up nice and going out even if it's just to the library or out with girlfriends for dinner or a sow. See if he wonders what you're up to but before you do that, have that talk with him so that its very clear to him that the status quo isn't cutting it.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Flower22 Since he prefers to stay home, how about playing cards or board games? A good way to connect is to stay away and take a long time out from electronics. Or, put a big puzzle together but not the 1,000 pieces kind! Or, make something crafty. Or, cook together?

              My husband and I cook together. It's good bonding time if time is limited.

              Or, perhaps an alternative would be to take a fun class together without long term class commitment. Some communities have classes which only last an hour or two once. It's not ongoing.

              How about an occasional weekend getaway?
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Flower22 View Post
                The reason the drinking and driving was a big deal to me is because he works for my family’s business and he was driving a company car so my parents could get sued or lose their business if he was caught which we talked about before he decided to take that car and he’s said he wouldn’t drink at all.

                For our night together, he doesn’t want to do anything else but watch tv. I ask him to go walk, go out to eat, etc and he says he doesn’t want to. He’s sort of a home body which is fine with me if we could be connecting while doing it.

                Our last date...Probably dinner and a movie in July or something? He’s been really busy and when he is not busy, just wants to stay Home.

                He’s just negative all the time. When I try to talk it’s often “Shh I’m listening to (tv, phone etc). He’s always complaining about how I do stuff and just never seems happy with anything. I’ve told him this and he says he is stressed and crabby and will try to be better.
                Your family will NOT lose their business because he has ONE beer! He knows that as does everyone else in the world including police.
                He agrees not to have ONE beer to you because you are better to lie to than agree with some argument that has no logic.

                You didnít address my point about men and their love to help others out at home with their odd jobs while ignoring their own ( not yours but his) ?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Mary View Post
                  Don't let him make excuses as to why he can't spend quality time together. He needs to prioritize the marriage in order for it to be healthy. Right now, he is neglecting it and you are growing apart. Tell him that it is important for your marriage that he spend time with you actually connecting to and talking to you, not sitting in front of the T.V. or doing his own thing every night. Insist on having a date night once a week. Suggest going for a walk after dinner together, or a bike ride. Figure out together one hobby you can both do together, and then make plans to do it. Some of the happiest couples I know have a shared hobby or passion they enjoy together. If he won't consider it, then you have bigger problems than just growing apart. Time to take action, and not let the status quo to continue, or you will find your feelings for him are diminishing and resentment is setting in. It already has, but you can turn this around if you take action. Ask to sit down with him tonight and talk about some things, and then go over what I have outlined above. If he does not follow through, then I suggest you enlist the help of a counselor to be an ally in improving your marriage. Sometimes just the suggestion of going to counseling is enough to motivate a person to make more of an effort.
                  Or she could stop being a nag.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                    Or she could stop being a nag.
                    Nah, if she stopped asking him or expecting him to be an active participant in their marriage, he would just continue with the status quo. Neglecting his wife and their relationship.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Mary View Post

                      Nah, if she stopped asking him or expecting him to be an active participant in their marriage, he would just continue with the status quo. Neglecting his wife and their relationship.
                      Or... he may wonder why she doesn't seem to give a rats ass anymore and ask her whats up? Who knows but not trying anything will get her nothing.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                        Or... he may wonder why she doesn't seem to give a rats ass anymore and ask her whats up? Who knows but not trying anything will get her nothing.
                        He'd probably be relieved that he wasn't expected to make an effort anymore, and could just do whatever suited him, and she'd do her own thing to entertain herself. I know several marriages like this, my own included, where the man makes no/little effort, and just does his own thing. Most have ended up in divorce. I don't think game playing by the wife is the answer, or will result in anything positive. Laying it out on the line is the answer: telling the husband how important it is to stay connected emotionally, and to spend quality time together, and then making suggestions on how to make that happen (i.e., date night, shared hobbies, etc.). Then if he is still resistant, it's time to see a counselor, because that would indicate he really doesn't care about her or the relationship to make an effort, or he is so self centered as to think her needs are not important, or his needs to do whatever he wants is more important.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          No one is suggesting "game playing" She should just get herself ready and get out there and have fun without him. If she becomes a tad more independent from him, then hopefully she'll have the courage, due to her new found independence, to leave the asshole.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                            No one is suggesting "game playing" She should just get herself ready and get out there and have fun without him. If she becomes a tad more independent from him, then hopefully she'll have the courage, due to her new found independence, to leave the asshole.
                            *shakes head* That's not the answer. Direct communication about what she needs from him in the relationship is the answer. Not backing down is the answer. Enlisting the help of a counselor is the answer if normal communication does not sink in or bring about change. You guys are so quick to advocate divorce, rather than trying to turn things around. It is certainly possible in many cases to turn things around, which is where good communication and counseling, if need be, comes in. And playing an "I don't need you" game to see if he takes notice is not the answer.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Mary, Mary, Mary. Tsk, tsk, tsk...

                              Op: Will the other half agree to go to counseling with you?
                              Do you have any friends or outside interests?


                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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