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Husband lying to me about porn

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  • Husband lying to me about porn

    First, I know guys watch it. Lots of women watch it. I know it doesnt mean they will cheat. However, knowing that doesnt mean it feels good to think of him getting off to other womens bodies. So, it upsets me. And sometimes it makes me sad for a day, or two, or even a week or more. I do not ask him to stop. I have told him its ok, it just hurts.

    But, since he knows it hurts he lied to me and said he deleted it.. he didnt, i found out when i looked for a picture of me on his phone and saw them. Talk, he says he is sorry but hasnt been using it, just didnt want to get rid of them. He gives me permission to do anything on his phone. So.. i checked browser history... 1-3 hours every night in bed next to me while i sleep hes looking at porn, while saying he isnt using it. Talk again. He says sorry again. He says he needs it for his libido ... fine ... but i ask not to do it in bed with me and he suggested drawings and writing as a compromise over real people cause i find that less upsetting. All this time im saying its fine if you need real people, but i want honesty. He promises he doesnt and wont use real people.

    I look at history again (again with permission) and hes got a porn video of a real girl on his history.. on the "1 month anniversary" of our marriage he made a big deal about. I havent confronted him again. I just dont know why he insists on lying to me. I have said he can do it if he needs but i just want the truth.. im not being controlling.. i cant help it hurts and the lies are making it worse. I dont know what to do. I gave him so many opportunities to tell me the truth...


  • #2
    He "insists on lying to you" because you can't handle the truth. Do you have sex with him every time he wants it? Does he ever turn you down for sex when you've initiated? You DO initiate once in a while, right?

    People masturbate to something that stimulates them. Would you be willing to compromise and allow him to make a video of you that he could masturbate to?

    Here's a link to a past thread that explains very well why men watch porn, why they masturbate and why they want to keep it private. It has nothing to do with you or not finding you attractive and desirable.

    https://www.relationship-forums.com/...urbation,+wank

    Response No.6 From Fusion says it all.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      He has an open invitation. I initiate nearly every night (he doesnt want me to do it all the time). I entertain his fetishes. And he has 60ish private photos along with private videos, with an open invitation to take any he wants while we are doing stuff together.

      He also has an invitation to get real life stimulation from me dressing up or ordering him about (hes into sub play) for masturbation.

      And as I have said I never asked him to stop. It hurts, but I told him it is not something he is doing wrong or something I need him to stop.

      so... what else could I possibly do to make him just give me the truth and stop making offers and promises he never intends to do or keep?

      Comment


      • #4
        And.. he probably prefers porn over me about 2 in 3 times he wants to get off. And yes he turns me down sometimes then goes to it.

        Comment


        • #5
          And ... if wondering yes ive tried to make it stop making me sad. I have even tried therapy to change my feelings. My therapist said its something I likely will just have to accept and learn to cope with.

          Comment


          • #6
            His use of porn seems excessive given your willingness to be available to him. This sounds like a possible addiction. Does he acknowledge that he might be using beyond a "reasonable" amount? Is there any indication that, apart from your feelings, that his use is creating problems in his life?

            Is the any values he ascribes to that might influence him to take another look at his use?

            Comment


            • #7
              I said I have never known anyone who uses it as much and he said its normal use. Also denied it being 3 hours until I pointed at the timestamps. He said it may be a habit.

              But still not asking him to stop, or trying to get him to. I just want him to stop telling me he will do this or that and then it being a lie. If he just said I need this and will always do it, I would say OK. But when he offers the carrot and just dangles it right out of my reach it just feels like torture... the thing that would make things perfect is offered but only non-seriously. I just want honesty. I have told him.that and he still keeps lying. I dont even care if he never mentions it again or keeps the collection private after saying it... just admit you are never stopping. Stop offering things I want when its not real. That is all my end goal is.

              ive tried being reassuring. Ive tried offering more fetish play. Ive tried being more sexual - I even bought a list of lingerie he wanted for me. Ive tried everything to show its ok, if you are just honest. Its the lies that are killing things. But nothing is working to stop them.

              Comment


              • #8
                He's addicted to porn, and it is negatively affecting your relationship and intimacy. He is also in denial about his addiction. Rather than trying to get him to make promises he doesn't seem to be able to keep, I suggest you encourage him to seek counseling to deal with the addiction.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I havent asked him for any promises is the annoying thing. He offers of his own free will cause he sees me get upset. I cant stop being upset. But, i reassure him things are fine. But he still lies and offers...

                  He doesnt think his use is abnormal and he doesnt believe in therapy being useful. So, not sure counseling for him would be accepted. He might do a couples ... maybe...

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You keep telling him it’s fine to watch porn as long as he is honest about it.
                    So if he told you “I watched porn for 5 hrs yesterday” , you would be sweet about it and continue to cook him a nice meal and not think about it for another second???
                    Really??

                    YOU are lying to him and he knows that. In turn he lies to you because despite your claims he knows YOU don’t want to know the truth and can’t handle it.

                    If I was him I would lie to you too. And be ok with that since you are also fibbing.

                    Does he have a porn addiction? Perhaps!
                    But the more you scold him for it, the more he will hide it.
                    Thats what addicts do!

                    Instead of of taking it as a personal insult, try to realise it has nothing to do with you.
                    The sooner you understand his addiction the sooner he will respond to help for it.
                    You are his biggest enemy right now.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Wifeandlonely View Post
                      I havent asked him for any promises is the annoying thing. He offers of his own free will cause he sees me get upset. I cant stop being upset. But, i reassure him things are fine. But he still lies and offers...

                      He doesnt think his use is abnormal and he doesnt believe in therapy being useful. So, not sure counseling for him would be accepted. He might do a couples ... maybe...
                      Why do you reassure him things are fine? Things are definitely NOT fine. He is exhibiting all the symptoms of an addiction: using it in increasing amounts, unable to control his use, lying about his use, negative consequences to his relationship because of its use. Watching porn has the effect on the brain of releasing dopamine, which can be addictive, and he is exhibiting all of the symptoms of an addiction. This is not something you should just let go or just continue to harp about. You should express your concern about how this habit has become an addiction, and that you are very concerned about how it is affecting your relationship, and then inform him that you want to make an appointment with a marriage counselor because it is negatively affecting your marriage. Then make the appointment. If he won't go with you, then go yourself. This is a problem that needs to be addressed. He is not able to control his addiction and it is negatively affecting your relationship and your intimacy.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        1) I dont want nor did I ask for details of his use. I knew he watched it and at times the thought makes me sad. He notices but I cant help that. Emotions are emotions.

                        2) Yes I still make him dinner and play video games and kiss and hug him when Im sad over it. If he makes me talk to him about how I am feeling, I kiss him and put my arms around his neck and say its fine, it just hurts a little but its no big deal and it isnt his problem and we are fine and I love him and I have accepted I will just be sad sometimes, its OK.

                        I have never and would never scold him for it. The only thing I "scolded" for is the lie. I included him in my therapy. I wrote a huge letter explaining how I feel in detail cause he kept wanting to talk about it. If I cry over it, I do it quietly away from him... except when he forces the topic and begs me to tell him in which case I cant help sometimes crying if he makes me discuss what hurts.

                        When I accidentally saw his album of porn, the only thing I said was can you please tilt the screen away from me a little when he was looking in his phone pics for something cause I didnt want to see it.

                        The first lie was he came to me and said he deleted the photos. I didnt ask. I didnt mention it. He knew I saw cause he scrolled down too far trying to show me a picture while we were laying together. I got quiet for a few minutes, then I tried to brush it off and go back to what we were doing so he didnt feel bad.

                        However, I was having trouble orgasming with him. Because knowing what he does makes it awkward. I still did all the stuff he wanted and I still enjoyed things to him, but he noticed my lack, cause he can tell when my body doesnt react. So he decided to see if I had talked about it with my best girl friend. And he read our chat log on my phone (he has full permission to my accounts, as I do to his). And he saw me say I was having trouble getting to the emotional space I need for that, because of his porn habit making me feel second since he went to it so much more than me. And talking to her to try to figure out how to make it less of an issue. He wanted me to tell him he wasnt able to give me that. I apologized for not telling him and we talked about it. Its just not my nature to tell a sexual partner "hey.. I know you nornally are amazingly good at this but i havent had an orgasm with you in weeks, its not you, its me, I cant when I dont feel extremely special to you during cause im weird and its more about the emotions than how good you are at it for me". But I promised to tell him in the future.

                        so his response to that was to tell me while we were playing a game, no prompts from me, that he had deleted his porn cause he didnt need it and he wasnt using it anymore. Which was a lie. And I found out it was a lie when I tried to find a photo of me on his phone, cause a risque one was left up when it broke and we got the phone repaired but I wanted to know what the repair guy probably saw when the screen was repaired. Husband said his phone goes back to last viewed item when it comes back on.

                        Second lie came when I asked him why he lied to me about it. He said he didnt use it, just wanted to keep it in case he needed it later but wasnt using it now. Which fine. But, I didnt really believe it. Which is why I checked history with his permission. Then, I was mad because I told him over and over its fine, just be honest and I wont be upset with you. You dont have to give it up if you need it, just dont come to me and say you have if you dont intend to. So at the point of the second lie I got angry and left the room to cool off. Then asked him about it. And then he said he would use drawings and writing, cause he has made me tell him how i feel so he knows it bugs me less. So I said you dont have to if you dont want or it will not meet your needs. He insisted it would and it was fine. So i gave in and said OK. The only thing I asked was please dont be in our bed next to me when you look at it.

                        Then.. again with permission I looked at what he was looking at. It was real people. He claims to not even remember doing it. I didnt yell at him for it, we just talked. And I repeated again its fine if you need it, just tell me that instead of continuing to say one thing and doing another.

                        We dont really argue. We never yell. We usually cuddle while we talk about issues. He knows I did therapy to try to stop being upset over it. He wanted to be kept informed so I updated him on it regularly. When we talk about things, even his lies, I make sure to kiss and reassure and tell him hes still my favorite so he doesnt feel like I dont love him, or that we are at risk of breaking up cauae he is very insecure about me wanting to be with him.

                        So... short of magically altering my feelings, which is highly unlikely, not sure how I can be more supportive of the fact I am not asking him to change anything. He even got upset with me during our talk about the lies because I was trying to make him feel better by saying I understand why and its OK (complete with hugs and kisses) , I just need honesty so I can trust him. He said I shouldnt be making him feel better after he lied to me.

                        So how can i be more supportive of it and get him to stop giving me lies ?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Addicts lie about their use and are in denial that they have an addiction. Don't enable his addiction.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Wifeandlonely View Post

                            so... what else could I possibly do to make him just give me the truth and stop making offers and promises he never intends to do or keep?
                            Why do you need to know what he does in HIS private time?



                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Mary View Post

                              Why do you reassure him things are fine? Things are definitely NOT fine. He is exhibiting all the symptoms of an addiction: using it in increasing amounts, unable to control his use, lying about his use, negative consequences to his relationship because of its use. Watching porn has the effect on the brain of releasing dopamine, which can be addictive, and he is exhibiting all of the symptoms of an addiction. This is not something you should just let go or just continue to harp about. You should express your concern about how this habit has become an addiction, and that you are very concerned about how it is affecting your relationship, and then inform him that you want to make an appointment with a marriage counselor because it is negatively affecting your marriage. Then make the appointment. If he won't go with you, then go yourself. This is a problem that needs to be addressed. He is not able to control his addiction and it is negatively affecting your relationship and your intimacy.
                              Mary... he is not replacing porn with sex with his wife, he isn't turning her down for sex, he isn't doing anything that would cause a woman with a healthy sense of esteem a problem. This is not IMO His problem but rather the Op's and her insecurity and inability to accept that she is not the only thing that turns her husband on. He lies to her because she can't handle the truth and he's trying to protect her.

                              If his porn use was causing a problem in the marriage and not just in the Op then I would agree with you.

                              Originally posted by Wifeandlonely View Post
                              1)


                              So... short of magically altering my feelings, which is highly unlikely, not sure how I can be more supportive of the fact I am not asking him to change anything. He even got upset with me during our talk about the lies because I was trying to make him feel better by saying I understand why and its OK (complete with hugs and kisses) , I just need honesty so I can trust him. He said I shouldnt be making him feel better after he lied to me.
                              So... If he said, Honey, I'm going in the bedroom to stroke my cock to the photo of another woman... you'd be okay with the fact he wasn't lying to you?

                              Me thinks you use the "lie" as an excuse to be upset... which you are due to your own insecurity.

                              Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 11th, 2018, 01:03 PM.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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