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  • Girlfriend Baby father

    I've been dating this girl for about a year. She has her flaws, I have mine but we love each other and we make it work. She has a 5 year old daughter that just started Kindergarten. I love her daughter as well and take care of her as if she is my own. I pick her up and drop her off from school, pay for her clothes, after school care and really any expenses, take her places and we love each other. My girlfriends baby father is what people would call a "deadbeat." He doesn't send her anything ot take care of his child in any way. He seems though to be able to get underneath my girlfriends skin whenever he wants, and my girlfriend allows it. She is always complaining about him on social media and it's a little much. In this case however, he showed up as a suggested friend on Instagram and naturally she went through his profile. He does nothing but hang in strip clubs and throw money around. My girlfriend saw this and blew up! Taking screenshots, and posting it and putting up 5 or 6 posts about him specifically, and the past few days I can tell she's upset about it even though she won't admit it. I feel some type of way because her daughter has been taken care of by me and my gf dad. The way he's able to upset my gf like that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't have kids so it's possible I dont understand but am I wrong for feeling a little funny? Is it possible that feelings are still there between them?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Flex32 View Post
    I've been dating this girl for about a year. She has her flaws, I have mine but we love each other and we make it work. She has a 5 year old daughter that just started Kindergarten. I love her daughter as well and take care of her as if she is my own. I pick her up and drop her off from school, pay for her clothes, after school care and really any expenses, take her places and we love each other. My girlfriends baby father is what people would call a "deadbeat." He doesn't send her anything ot take care of his child in any way. He seems though to be able to get underneath my girlfriends skin whenever he wants, and my girlfriend allows it. She is always complaining about him on social media and it's a little much. In this case however, he showed up as a suggested friend on Instagram and naturally she went through his profile. He does nothing but hang in strip clubs and throw money around. My girlfriend saw this and blew up! Taking screenshots, and posting it and putting up 5 or 6 posts about him specifically, and the past few days I can tell she's upset about it even though she won't admit it. I feel some type of way because her daughter has been taken care of by me and my gf dad. The way he's able to upset my gf like that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't have kids so it's possible I dont understand but am I wrong for feeling a little funny? Is it possible that feelings are still there between them?
    Why after only a year are you taking care of another mans daughter ? Why are you paying for her clothes, after school care etc?
    How long have you been doing that?
    Does the father have part custody? Does he pay child support? If he pays x amount towards your gf through courts , then he does not have to pay anymore. Thatís what the courts deemed fair.
    If he is not paying child support then why has your gf not gone through the courts?

    Your gf is clearly bitter and anyone that paints a bad picture of their childís other parent on social media is the worst parent of the two.

    How long ago did they split and how long after did you hook up with her?

    It is highly unlikely that she wants him back. But she has unresolved anger issues that should have been dealt with before entertaining dating again and getting another male entangled in this fiasco and her daughters life.

    She is simply creating online records of a bad mother on social media by not putting her child above her angry emotions.

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    • #3
      She hasn't put him on child support and he doesn't have part custody. Hes seen his daughter twice in the year her mom and I have been together. She usually just asks him to pay certain child care expenses but he never does. She's threatened to put him on child support but never did. She only recently filed the paperwork about a month ago.

      I've been helping her with that for like 6 months now. It was hard for me to see her struggle, while I was getting more successful financially.

      They've been broken up for about 5 years. She was single for some time then dated another guy for about 6 months. They broke up about a year before her an I got together.

      I see what you're saying. How do you think I should approach the situation with her?
      Last edited by Flex32; August 10th, 2018, 11:43 AM.

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      • #4
        You have over-involved yourself in your gf's daughter's life. It's certainly compassionate and generous to want to help your gf and her daughter, but you don't, ultimately, help them by jumping into their drama before you are ready to make a genuine LONG-TERM commitment to say. And after dating only six months, and seeing your gf's behavior, you could not be ready to make that kind of commitment.

        So where do you go from here. I think the first thing to do is help your gf understand that there are consequences for her behavior. The first is that it makes you uncomfortable. So you sit her down and say,

        "....Honey, I'm concerned about your interactions and reactions to your ex's behavior. He is certainly a deadbeat and scummy guy, but none of that is new. And after five years apart from him, your reactions make me doubt you are ready to be pursing a committed relationship with me. For me to see some kind of future together, I need to hear you say you are willing to get help to get over him. Are you willing to do that?...."

        Then see what she says. And come tell us?

        Given your description, I suspect she'll blow up and tell you to f..k off. And that should tell you that she's more concerned about her own need to blow off steam than she is about being in a healthy relationship.

        If she is willing to get help, you can offer to pay that. As for paying for other things and time with her daughter, I suggest you start backing out of that (make yourself busy with other things). You seem like a decent guy and deserve a healthy partner. When you come to realize that and understand that she isn't that person, you don't want to drop her and her daughter cold turkey.

        Good luck

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Flex32 View Post
          I've been dating this girl for about a year. She has her flaws, I have mine but we love each other and we make it work. She has a 5 year old daughter that just started Kindergarten. I love her daughter as well and take care of her as if she is my own. I pick her up and drop her off from school, pay for her clothes, after school care and really any expenses, take her places and we love each other. My girlfriends baby father is what people would call a "deadbeat." He doesn't send her anything ot take care of his child in any way. He seems though to be able to get underneath my girlfriends skin whenever he wants, and my girlfriend allows it. She is always complaining about him on social media and it's a little much. In this case however, he showed up as a suggested friend on Instagram and naturally she went through his profile. He does nothing but hang in strip clubs and throw money around. My girlfriend saw this and blew up! Taking screenshots, and posting it and putting up 5 or 6 posts about him specifically, and the past few days I can tell she's upset about it even though she won't admit it. I feel some type of way because her daughter has been taken care of by me and my gf dad. The way he's able to upset my gf like that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't have kids so it's possible I dont understand but am I wrong for feeling a little funny? Is it possible that feelings are still there between them?
          Do you know the term "White Knight" (please google it and see if you see yourself in the description). Please look after yourself more and them less... at least until you know she's gotten proper child support and custody ironed out with the courts and she's closer to the state of indifferent to what her baby-daddy does now that he's not longer with her. Don't allow yourself to be used. Don't get so involved with her daughter until her mother is more stable and actually ready to be a good partner and you're sure your relationship is solid and reciprocal.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Flex32 Your girlfriend is a package deal and you need to take the baggage if you wish to remain in the relationship. Your relationship with her has strings attached (aka conditions). Either continue on this same track and tolerate all the crap or get out. Those are your two choices.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Flex32 View Post
              She hasn't put him on child support and he doesn't have part custody. Hes seen his daughter twice in the year her mom and I have been together. She usually just asks him to pay certain child care expenses but he never does. She's threatened to put him on child support but never did. She only recently filed the paperwork about a month ago.

              I've been helping her with that for like 6 months now. It was hard for me to see her struggle, while I was getting more successful financially.

              They've been broken up for about 5 years. She was single for some time then dated another guy for about 6 months. They broke up about a year before her an I got together.

              I see what you're saying. How do you think I should approach the situation with her?
              You are not helping her or her kid out, you are helping the father out only.
              Paying his share. And you are ok with helping some deadbeat out? You are paying for his strip club visits only.
              She doesnít care where she gets the money from as long as she gets it.

              Wow! How did you allow this ?

              Comment


              • #8
                Well, he was not helping out before I got there anyway. It's hard to see her not have the money to pay for after school care or having her child wear clothes that dont fit to school and I sit there and do nothing

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Flex32 View Post
                  Well, he was not helping out before I got there anyway. It's hard to see her not have the money to pay for after school care or having her child wear clothes that dont fit to school and I sit there and do nothing
                  The baby daddy is responsible for such things and if your gf is too obtuse to get the ball rolling on getting him to be responsible and instead wastes time dissing him on social media, then you best reflect on whether this women is a good life partner in general. (frankly she sounds immature and irresponsible and a user who is far from having her shit together).

                  Google White Knight and save yourself from her drama.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I've had doubts recently, so thanks for the confirmation. I've loaned her money and she rarely pays me back and if she does it's always really late, and doesn't communicate with me if it's going to be late. We've only been together for a year but it feels like longer because we see each other every day....Shows that she doesn't care about my pockets, only her own. I have a lot to think about.

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