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Do I have no say in my own house?

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  • Do I have no say in my own house?

    So I've been dating my girl for 3 years and almost 2 years ago we moved in together. She has 2 kids a 9 year old and a 4 year old. They both call me dad once in a while because frankly their real father is clearly not raising them and is barely in their lives. But, The little encounters in which he pops up in he always causes a stir between my girlfriend and I. The latest upset is the 9 year old wants a phone and I refuse to give her one. She does NOT need a phone. I don't care what this generation is doing, We both agreed (my girl and I) that she won't have a phone until freshman high school Or perhaps 8th grade the earliest. Now this guy is buying her a phone and she is going along with it. Now the agreement we had basically doesn't mean anything and she's giving me shit saying (well things change and what's the problem with her getting a phone..etc) My thing is, If we had an agreement then stick to it. Also, Let me put out there that she has broken past agreements which were very important to me but those were rectified. This I don't agree and I feel that my opinions/decisions don't matter. I'm pretty much tired of it and hate having a third person throwing wrenches in agreements made. I love the girl and I don't want us to break up BUT, I also won't be taken for a sucka. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  • #2
    I think you're venting from your language used and are very upset about the phone issue. Your language suggests that your ego is very bruised and you're worried about what others think of you. Wait a day or two and revisit this again with your girlfriend. You may have an agreement with your girlfriend but their biological father is still their father. They are not your children to control. Work on your relationship with the girls instead of trying to control items like phones.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Mystik4l06 View Post
      So I've been dating my girl for 3 years and almost 2 years ago we moved in together. She has 2 kids a 9 year old and a 4 year old. They both call me dad once in a while because frankly their real father is clearly not raising them and is barely in their lives. But, The little encounters in which he pops up in he always causes a stir between my girlfriend and I. The latest upset is the 9 year old wants a phone and I refuse to give her one. She does NOT need a phone. I don't care what this generation is doing, We both agreed (my girl and I) that she won't have a phone until freshman high school Or perhaps 8th grade the earliest. Now this guy is buying her a phone and she is going along with it. Now the agreement we had basically doesn't mean anything and she's giving me shit saying (well things change and what's the problem with her getting a phone..etc) My thing is, If we had an agreement then stick to it. Also, Let me put out there that she has broken past agreements which were very important to me but those were rectified. This I don't agree and I feel that my opinions/decisions don't matter. I'm pretty much tired of it and hate having a third person throwing wrenches in agreements made. I love the girl and I don't want us to break up BUT, I also won't be taken for a sucka. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
      When you chose to date a mother you chose to have a third person throwing wrenches in.
      You have a right to express opinion but your opinion is the third one always.
      You agreed with your gf re the phone , why was that not discussed with her father? He decided to get her a phone , not knowing you had decided against it. Sorry , but regardless of his presence , he has more rights and say than you.

      Whats the custody agreement?

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      • #4
        You and your girlfriend are perfectly entitled to have a no-phone-for-kids policy in your own home. Just because the father wants to give his daughter a phone doesn't stop you from locking it up when the girl is in your house (or in an outside lock-box if you want to literally keep it out of the house).

        If there is some kind of custody agreement that includes the ability to contact each other, there are many ways to communicate outside of a personal cell phone.

        I suggest that you and your gf sit down and talk about exactly what your issue with a phone-for-a-child is. In other words, is it any phone, a smart phone, texting, contact outside of your supervision, wasted time on games, movies, etc. ? Hopefully, the two of you can reach an agreement on what it is you want to allow and not allow.

        Then your gf ought to discuss what the father's purpose is in providing the phone. Is it a worthwhile purpose like contact with him and improving their relationship? Or is he just trying to "buy" her affection? She could then, hopefully, negotiate the conditions for the phone.

        As Maggie pointed out, dating someone with kids requires an acceptance that there is going to be a third person in your relationship. Your best chance for peace is to work toward peaceful cooperation with that third person.

        Good luck

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        • #5
          Why exactly do you not want her having a phone? Figure that out and then restrict those uses and have her have the phone for emergencies or to get on contact with any of the three of you should she need a ride or be picked up.

          Quit being so controlling and learn how to compromise for goodness sakes.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6

            Mystik4l06 You need to accept the fact that your girlfriend is a package deal and part of that package deal is her baggage aka children and their father will forever be the father in the picture even if he's barely in their lives. Any package deal no matter what circumstances will forever be messy and complicated. Welcome to life.

            Even though the 9-yr old girl has a new phone now and broke your agreement, consider her new phone something good in case of an emergency. For you, it's a power play which you'll lose usually. There is general disrespect which is typical.

            You can remain civil, peaceful and polite with your girlfriend's children but agreement or no agreement, they'll always make sure you'll never forget that you're not their biological, real father. Blended families usually experience pain of all sorts. It's not 'The Brady Bunch.'
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              I understand that you're in a very frustrating position.
              You're the one providing for these kids and taking on all the responsabilities and duties of a father. You're there for them in every sense of the way.
              And yet at the same time, you'll never be blood. And that's something that will never change, no matter what you do. In the end, these kids have a dad.
              Unless this guy is a threat to his childrens safety or well-being, there's also no reason why he shoudln't be a partner in the decision making. Sadly, more than you.
              This is a situation that you'll need to learn to live with, frustration and all. That's the fate of step dads. Part of the job.

              What you should work towards though, is making sure you and your girlfriend agree on the role you will play to her children. Because it seems that right now, the biggest problem is the fact that your girlfriend didn't include you in the decision making process, while you expected to be included. You need to make it perfectly clear what she expects of you and vice versa. I believe, the more responsability you take, the more of a say you can have in their upbringing and the rules. But you need to make that explicit. It will be give and take.
              And remember, the major parenting decisions are made by her, and by the father, 50-50. If you're going to be involved in the proecss, that just means that you're sharing her 50% of the say, NOT that you're getting part of the fathers voice.
              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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