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Abusive relationship + New baby. Try or go? I really need help.

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  • Abusive relationship + New baby. Try or go? I really need help.

    I need some advice in a serious situation I am in. Do I stay, or do I go? And this needs to happen... I'm stuck in an endless circle and things just dont ever change. Ive been in a relationship of over 5 years, and we have a 3 month old baby girl together. I also have a 7 year old daughter who lives with us, and he has a 7 year old son who lives in CA. I moved in with him to AZ from CA after long distance dating a year. Things started out with so many red flags, and I was a 20 year old idiot and ignored them because I was blind in love. Around when I moved in with him, or shortly after...even more began happening. It started with his family being against me, or insulting me or saying things about my sweet little innocent 7 year old girl... and he would allow it, hell...even partake in it! He wouldn't defend me. He would want me to be attacked. His twin brother always had it out for me, and so did his father. I dodged all these bullets thrown my way because I am strong and he learned to admire me for it. He eventually started defending me... but then, when we would fight he would leave! Always, always, leave to his brothers. He almost would create a fight just to leave! There I am a mess on the floor crying, heartbroken, far away from the ones who love and care about me and abandoned. He would say awful things during a fight, and I would cry and beg to bring him back to surface, back to me. I was his trophy wife, quit modeling because of the issues it caused with us to be with him yet supported his music career.

    At this point, I'm done being a doormat. When I stopped taking his shit, things stepped up a notch. He started fighting with me in front of my kid, getting in my face screaming at me, I push him back, he pushes harder. I then defend myself by smacking him, or swattiing his arm, and he strikes me hard. I grew up with physical abuse and maybe thats why I put up with it. But Im not innnocent either - because of my fears I started lashing out at him not afraid to stand up to him. I found myself the more fights we'd get into, the more damage he would inflict, the more I'd be sure to hurt him back next time. I ended up being so sick of being treated like shit, taken advantage of, and the fights. I left. Then he begged me for me back, of course - I returned, but he actually changed...he actually just loved me more. He started valuing my worth. Protecting me. I wanted to move away from his family, and he actually did it. We moved an hour away, and he quit his dead beat job he made nothing at ( I carried us financially, always...) to move closer to my job since my daughter was starting Kindergarten. Well, he was empty after a while. The fights returned, or more so never really stopped... every house we moved to were terrible memories inside of them. My daughter had witnessed far too much at this point already. Has heard every name in the book, has seen me physcially hard and also me harm him...I always tried to get him to understand how fighting in front of her was totally fked up and it HAD TO STOP.

    When he would hurt my feelings and still to this day, he would never comfort me. He literally does not know how to give me love and affection or have empathy for me when Im sad. Its almost like he thinks hes enabling me. He still can't. If I say I want to leave, and I'm done... he says, me too. Theres the door. Never fights for me, never comforts me, horrible history of abuse both physical and emotional. Things got better, a LOT better. We got pregnant, and it felt like we were going to make it...our family was growing, our kids were crazy about eachother. WE were always crazy in love. When we were good, we were always physcially intimate, holding hands, kissing, texting all day long, crazy in love. Well, then the fights happened again. I carried us financially through saving for maternity leave, and it was stressful. Also, ummm...I was freaking pregnant and hormonal! He was impossible when it came to dealing with my emotions and feelings. Maybe its me and I'm too emotional. But, do I really deserve to be tossed aside, never comforted? Always made to feel I am equal in our issues. Thats why I have staye so long. I feel guilty. While he may go into the living room next to my daughters room and start cussing and yelling, and I scream at him to shutup and get away from her room, to go scream outside or in our room... I am screaming too afterall? So I am just as bad. Now he gets in my face, goes near my daughters room and screams and I will try and push him away and he shoves me back and I can't help anymore but swat him away. I feel awful. But I would never intentionally hurt him! I feel like its screwed up because he gets to call it fair now just because I've had to defend myself against him and have succeeded!

    His mom is submissive to his dad who is disrecpectful to her, and he expects me to be submissive like her. He calls me manipulative and my daughter maniuplative. I left last week for a week to California, debating to leave him. Told my family (almost) everything, and then I ended up giving him another chance. Well we got along great, he swore it would never happen again the fighting in front of my daughter or losing his temper at me for no reason, just becasue he doesnt like what Im saying or disagrees! We got into a big fight a couple days ago and he was piss drunk (oh did I mention alcohol is a major problem? Quit during our pregnancy and problems still happened...) out of his mind, and we got into a big argument. He said that the time apart was good for us, and that he thinks I should spend more alone time with my family and he would like to too. Then said he missed his brothe and started crying. I told him, I dont have a problem with him spending 1 on one time with his brother, but why would he want to go see his family and their significant others and have ME not be there? WE are a family?! It seems he always wants to leave, he wants to be alone? When I said I was leaving to Cali after he called my kid maniuplative just to push m eover the edge, he split so fast to his brothers!!! His reasoning? Oh I said I was leaving, and he will ALWAYS leave first. I dont want to go to CA without him just because? I called his mom telling her to please tell him to calm down, hes breaking his promises (silly me..) and he calls her saying im brain washing her, im manipulative, he cant do it anymore, hes crying and a fcking MESS. His mom... tells me Im being sensitive!! I cant even.

    We didnt talk the last 2 days, he did all this crap next to my kids room where she could hear him. Last night I tried talking to him and he said that he doesnt feel he needs to apolgize. Even though he was piss drunk and saying what he meant wrong (he meant one on one time with his brother, not JUST his family...but was saying it backwards... ) that I was wrong too because I overrreacted. After leaving him!! He tells me he wants to go spend more time with just them and without me?? We go back and forth of me always trying to convince him of the reality bc hes so prideful and what really went down, while he denies and justifies it. He pretty much tells me he feels the same way I do. Regardless of what really happened. He feels strongly about me being the same as him ( worse actually. ) Soo... yeah. Were now fighting after not talking for 2 days, and he tells me this is why I had abuse issues when I was younger. Like its something to hold against me!! I start crying, losing myself, and he comforts me and tells me we will get through it. Now today is seeming like its going back into this normal phase and I CANT. I feel like I need him to tell me that he knows hes harmed me, hes the leading problem and I would never speak to him or lash out at him if I didnt have to or now come to a point that its the same song and dance. I want him so badly to fight for me, but he wont. Now my daughter just started 2nd grade at a new school, this is her 2nd day. I just started a new job one month ago, Im making less money at...Whats holding me back from moving back with my family in CA? I want our family to work. I dont want another failed realtionship, two kids with two different dads. Both long relationships that dindt work out (my oldest daughters father is in prison/junkie... loves her but always been a loser.) and now Im starting over.... I cant stand the thought of it. Im scared. Packing up and seriously leaving? To another state? I love him SO much... I wish we could fix this. We tried counceling at the end of my pregnancy and he never used the tools. He was excited to go and wanted to, read relationship books, he wants to better himself, but battles with his pride against himself and me. What do I do? Im VERY vulenerable and sensitive, so please be nice. Im on the verge of a nervous breakdown and Im terrified of what is happening. Is there hope he can change? He HAS proven he can, my family even agrees. I would do anything for our family to stay together and so would he but were stuck. I'm a fool, I know.
    Last edited by swanlake; August 8th, 2018, 07:02 PM.

  • #2
    How exactly has he proven he can change?
    More words?

    Your family suck thinking you should stay! Are you that much of a burden on them that they would rather you and their grandkids/nieces whatever to stay in an abusive relationship?

    YOU are damaging YOUR children by staying. So make a choice , him or them?!


    • #3
      Get out. Get out NOW. Screw what your family thinks, and go home (if you can) or go literally anywhere else.

      Here's what I see that makes me say that:
      -- He uses words but not actions on improving your life together (psychological abuse) and appears to be gaslighting you on a few issues
      -- You both are very volatile toward each other, including in front of your children (psychological abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse)
      -- He has made you feel alone and stuck without a support system (emotional abuse) and even encouraged / expected you to leave your job for him!
      -- He has sided against you in arguments with family and run off when you disagree (signs of disrespect)
      -- You have flat out said that he abuses you!

      You say you don't want another failed relationship... but honey, you already have a failed relationship. And you know what? That's OK. People really only get one or two successful relationships. (And that second is really only if the first one ends in death. That's how the math works.)

      It's scary as fuck to leave, and even harder when there are children involved. But honestly? Your children will be MUCH happier to live in a house where their mother is happy and safe, regardless if there is a father figure. It's gonna be scary for a long time. BUT it does get better, and it will get better, and you'll realize you made the right decision.
      The worthwhile problems are the ones you can really solve or help solve, the ones you can really contribute something to. ...
      No problem is too small or too trivial if we can really do something about it.
      -- Richard Feynman (Nobel laureate (physics), 1918-1988)

      Use your spoons wisely.

      Give it time. Always, give it time.


      • #4
        I am terribly sorry you are dealing with all of this. You are not alone. I have been in a very similar situation and grew up in a similar household to you. People CAN change and it takes hard work. You mentioned that you are concerned that your daughter is hearing and seeing what is happening. She will remember it for a lifetime probably similar to what you mentioned that you experienced. The cycle can be broken and you can continue to be her role model! Thank you for sharing this incredibly personal challenge. Hang in there mama!


        • #5
          You are subjecting your daughter to the very dysfunctional and effed up life you grew up in. You are teaching her to be just like you... too weak in personal values and self-worth to leave an abusive c-sucker. You, my dear are abusing your own daughter and you need to call the help number in the link below and talk to someone who will guide you in how to get out of there and hopefully you get the therapy you need in order to stop thinking you deserve to be hit and to stop being a hitter.

          The numbers are near the bottom of the page in that ^^ link.

          Good luck and get out.

          "Is there hope he can change?" You need to change you first and once you do, you'll likely not give a flying fk on a rolling donut if he does because he won't be good enough for you because you've' learned your own value and he's below it.

          *Wavezzz at Lucid Nuts*
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 10th, 2018, 09:28 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


          • #6
            swanlake Don't stay, you need to go! Don't repeat my mother's mistake. She married an alcoholic, wife beater. My father knocked my mother's teeth out several times and I recall seeing permanent blood stains on the rug in my hellacious childhood home. He left for about a year and begged my mother to return home much to her dismay and she regretted taking him back. Then the 3rd sibling was born and life went from very bad to a pure living hell. Get out while you can, run for the hills and remember this is your and your children's lives. To hell what anyone else thinks. You do what's right for your own mental well being and physical safety. Get away from nut cases. Far away!
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."