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No future = no love??

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  • No future = no love??

    So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six months. We have a unique situation in where we are long distance, but so far it hasn’t been bad and we have the capability to see each other often enough. We love each other, yet I’m having serious doubts. When talking about the relationship, I made it clear that we need a solid plan for after college if we were going to make this work. He seemed rather dodgy about it, and said we should “wait for a year” before deciding anything serious. It’s rational, and I understand that things might change during his first year at college.

    But, I think he’s grown complacent and lazy with the relationship and I don’t know if that means his love is waning. At first, he was all “yeah let’s get married” and “you’re the perfect girl I envisioned and that I want to marry” and now he’s “unsure” and is like “I don’t plan on getting married until I’m 30”. He also used to always take me out for dinner and do nice things for me, but now its gotten more lazy. He’s rich, and was generous with his money when it came to me, but has grown stingier with it, to the point where I owe him money I didn’t even know I owed.

    I know it’s silly to think of my future when I’m only 19 and he’s only 20. But it just seems irrational for me to “love” someone and not see a future with them, especially when he was all for it up until three months after we started dating. It’s not that I hear wedding bells in the future, but the idea that he can just dispose of me whenever he wants, and he actually doesn’t love me as much as he says he does is what irks me, when I could be dating people close to me that might actually love me wholeheartedly. He doesn’t seem willing to talk out plans for after we finish college, which tells me that he might not see a future with me.

    I talked to him about it already, so I’m reluctant to bring it up again, since I feel like I’m pressuring him way too much about the future. I really do want to stay with him- he is a loving, caring and the sweetest guy out there in a sea full of douchebags and a real catch, and I made it clear I will do anything to stay with him. But I really don’t think he would. Which is why I’m wondering if I should break it off now to save the heartache in the future.

    I know this might sound silly. We’ve only been dating for 5 months, and we’re both young adults. But I think it’s important, especially considering the distance we plan on maintaining. I’m not asking him to choose between school/career and me. (Sorry, it gets ranty): But I also going to fucking NYU and found the time to see him, have an internship and get a 3.8 (literally visiting him in Florida a week before finals). I visited him in Sweden for a week, sacrificing my entire summer to pay off a $1000 plane ticket, since my family is literally a hundred times poorer than his and can't pay for my ticket like his family can pay for his. I'm CLEARLY putting in the effort because I love him. So I don’t know why it seems so hard for him, or why he's telling me he's committed but "he doesn't know if I am". I don't know what to say or do.
    Last edited by Sitara; August 7th, 2018, 03:38 AM.

  • #2
    Sitara, I'd break it off now to save the heartache in the future. Your boyfriend sounds sketchy, unsure, stingier, lazy and doesn't ever give you a straight answer regarding your future. I wouldn't waste anymore time, energy or resources ($$$) on him. He's not serious about you and ready to dispose you whenever it suits his fancy and at his convenience. Never get involved with a man who lacks direction otherwise you'll set yourself up for wasted, unnecessary pain later. Always make sure the love of your life is WORTH IT. I mean worth your time, energy and money.

    When I dated my husband, we most certainly discussed marriage in the near future otherwise I wouldn't have wasted my time on him. No way. We met in August and married 2 years later in May as soon as we both graduated college and employed. We were ready for our new life together as husband and wife. We have 2 sons now.

    I would do it all over again, too. I wasn't about to make my mother's mistake. She married the wrong man and ended up with a marriage made in hell. The moral of the story is to make wise decisions regarding whom you choose to spend your life with you. Always be smart and listen to that little voice inside you called your gut instincts and intuition because it's always accurate and right on the mark. Be smart and you will have no regrets for the long term. Being smart means you will have long term happiness with the right man. Choose a man who is honorable, moral and full of integrity. All other men are losers, duds and rejects IMHO.

    You are correct: No future = No love
    Last edited by chanelle; August 7th, 2018, 03:54 AM.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


    • #3
      Sitara , I'm going to disagree with Chanelle for once.
      You're 19 years old. You're in a 5 month relationship and you're expecting your boyfriend to make plans which go 8 times further into the future than the relationship you've had so far. Especially considering the fact that you're long distance and have barely spent any real face to face time together.
      That's not realistic.
      Your boyfriend is smart enough to realise he's better off not making promises he can't keep. Who knows how you both will change over the next few years? You can't possibly know how going to college is going to change you both. Can you think back to the person you were 4 years ago? Can you seriously say you haven't grown and adapted your dreams and ideas as you've matured and learned more about the world?

      Your college years are going to have a larger impact on your personal development than anything you've ever experienced. Don't plan your future now. It's pointless, because it's more than likely that all these plans will change anyway.

      As for your boyfriend.
      You're expecting him to commit to you in a way that's absurd. At 5 months, you barely know each other. Do you really expect him to say without a doubt that you're the woman of his dreams? He'd be an idiot to commit himself carelessly to a girl he barely knows.
      Stop living so far in the future. Ask yourself if he's the person you want to be with right now, long distance and all.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


      • #4
        I agree with Ayla. As much as you care about him, spending the next three years doing long distance while you are both in college is going to be torture given the many temptations and opportunities that will arise during this time.

        The time you spent together so far was very much the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Anything said during that time about the long-term future was said under a the spell of new love. No one can seriously be held accountable for those "promises" or ideas.

        He is wise enough to not be making long-term commitments.

        The only reasonable thing you can do at this stage is keep the relationship going while it mutually satisfactory with the understanding that you are in a difficult and vulnerable situation that could end at any moment. If you cannot live under those circumstances, then end the relationship now. You can connect in a few years and see if there is any feelings or interest between you at that point.

        Good luck


        • #5
          You're trying too hard. I think you're anxious and overly worried over a situation that you cannot control but are not willing to admit. Stop being so fixated on what you want and what you feel you deserve because of a, b, c, d, e sacrifices you made. If you made shit decisions and are regretting them, acknowledge it. Don't pile on more shit. Good luck.


          • #6
            Just because his family can afford to pay for his plane ticket , doesn’t mean they should or would.
            Perhaps they are more wealthy because of their wise financial decisions like not flying their teenager son around the world to visit some girl who is unlikely to be a part of his future and may even hinder his life choices (as you are asking him to do after only knowing each other 20 weeks over a long distance)

            Your expectations are absurd and unrealistic. And if the distance doesn’t cause the demise of your “relationship “ , your expectations will.

            Stop trying to live a fairytale life and start dating locally where someone might as you say love you “wholeheartedly “


            • #7
              Sitara Keep in mind, my advice and opinions were based upon when my husband and I were in our early 20s, done with college and had careers already. Both you and your boyfriend are so young and I wasn't nearly ready to expect commitments and marriage prospects at age 19 and 20. No way. My husband whom I didn't know yet at the time and I were too busy getting our lives established first and both of us we're local. We did not reside far apart which helped with future planning when the time came. I hope to clarify this.

              Don't expect too much too soon. One thing at a time based upon age and where you are in life. First things first. Hope that makes better sense!
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."