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  • Unbiased logical advice PLEASE!

    I am hoping to get good advice on my relationship. Im engaged, been together 4 years, and I have accepted her daughter as my own and take care of them. I have always had a bad gut feeling that she is a cheat, and no I am not the suspicious, insecure type at all. In fact, I never raise my voice, keep it calm and cool always, and try my hardest to only do what is best for them.. even when I feel like I am the fool. Her.. she has physically beaten me up 3 times now, and almost on many other occasions. She qualifies for almost every red flag, and somehow I always end up feeling like I am the problem. So, there is way too much to list, so I will just list a few things that I have raised an eyebrow to, and you guys, and girls please, can give me that unbiased opinion not based on your own bad experiences, but based on logic and common sense, feel free to ask questions, please... okay, so.. 2 years ago, she lost it one. Ight, beat me up and left, and I saw no good reason for any of it. We split for about a month but the whole time she said we were not broken up, just taking time to work on ourselves. That didnt last long, and we moved back in together but up by her mom here in Ventura. While we were split, she reached out to her ex, hung out with him for a weekend, and swears all they did was kiss. She also reached out to a few other guys, and I wrote this off as her being confused and lost, but we fixed everything and started going to church. Btw, the whole time we were split, I was going to "Therapy" because she wanted me to. It made no sense, other than she needed to believe it was all my fault, and I think my mistake was letting her. Well, anyway, 2 years later and for about the first year and a half, I could go on fb messenger and see her last active status which would match this guy Jeffreys last active about 95% of the time. She only goes on fb before and during work, and avoids it all together when she has days off, but every monday and tuesday, like a clock, she shows up active while she is getting ready for work. Then for short periods of time while she is at work. She is a hairstylist. So one day about 4 months ago, I called her on it, and said how is it possible that two people who supposedly NEVER talk or anything can manage to ALWAYS have the same last active status? Literally l, example; "last active 6 min ago. 24 min ago. 4 hours ago. 2 min ago. 46 min ago" like a clock... and that next day, somehow both of their active status's dissapeared. They just dont show up... hers just started showing up again randomly here and there. I thought maybe fb has trouble connecting, or some technical reason.. or the obvious.. welll, thats just one of 100 different things that bother me daily. Here is another one.. she goes through phases where she will have bruises on her butt and thighs. They just show up, and are the size and shape of a finger or two. This happens in phases, and she currently is not getting bruises. But she swears up and down there is nothing going on, and I dont accuse her, I just nonchalantly bring it up, and she always answers my questions with anger and defense and turns it into something about me. Lots of these things happen, and I am afraid I am just being the pathetic fool because I love our (her) daughter, and promised her I will always be her dad. Her real dad is a sicko pedofile. He never got to do anything to her, thank god, but I am her dad now, and plan on staying her dad. So, without giving more details, what is your unbiased opinion on wether or not she is cheating. Bear in mind, I have no substantial evidence, just the circumstantial screenshots of the active status's (1000s of those). One last thing I will add... I will never forget something she told me when we first started seeing eachother.. she said in response to me asking her if shes cheated on anyone, she responded with "I have but I dont, and I know how to get away with it if I did" .. she literally told me that she knows how to cheat and not get caught. I feel like either she set the stage for me to become suspicious of her, or she really is that confidant about it. Thank you in advance, and before anyone says I should leave her, I am not looking for advice on wether or not I should leave. I can make that decision on my own.. just your opinions on wether these things can be overlooked as coincidental or not. Thanks. Women I have a question for you too, after I get a few good answers here...

  • #2
    Originally posted by Therealone View Post
    II am afraid I am just being the pathetic fool
    Your fears are justified. You are being a pathetic fool.

    You should have left her the moment she attacked you for the first time. Let alone all the poor treatment that followed.

    Only a person with issues stays in a relationship like this. Harsh, but true. So why do you stay?
    Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

    Comment


    • #3
      He's staying for the young girl who doesn't have a father.

      OP: Your issue is cheating but you spent half your paragraph talking about how she physically abuses you and are using language of a victim. This is peculiar and suggests that you're garnering sympathy from your reader for an issue that you don't seem concerned about now. Frankly it's no one's business whether you were beat or not. If you make the decision to stay there for your own reasons, it is your choice.

      I don't think you have enough to go on based on Facebook's time log regarding cheating. What you are is insecure and emotionally damaged. I am a big believer in gut feelings. If you feel it, unpack it and listen to it carefully. Don't go to town rationalizing it. Just believe it. If you really feel in your gut that she's two-timing you or deceiving you, listen to it. Your problem is that you've decided to stay for the daughter. You might want to revisit this decision and find a better solution to being there for her. Your current situation is not working and your concerns should be addressed.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks Rose Mosse, I dont feel like a victim because I am two times her size and I allowed her to physically abuse me. I just wanted to give facts so that you see the real her. Now my confusion comes from the validity of her excuses. Like the bruises of course.. she has gotten valid bruises on her butt before from things like bumping into drawers and I have seen it happen so of course she says its the cause of all the bruises and I dont know if I should believe her. Its like the whole situation seems so shady but she is so believable when she excuses it. I know the outbursts arent okay, and her angers not acceptable but I feel like I can handle it. I have a great relationship with our daughter, and I dont wanna lose it, but I know if I left, she would definitely take it away. So you say that the active status thing could be just a coincidence, because those are the real answers I am seeking.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Therealone View Post
          I am hoping to get good advice on my relationship. Im engaged, been together 4 years, and I have accepted her daughter as my own and take care of them. I have always had a bad gut feeling that she is a cheat, and no I am not the suspicious, insecure type at all. In fact, I never raise my voice, keep it calm and cool always, and try my hardest to only do what is best for them.. even when I feel like I am the fool.
          Doing things for people to the point that you "feel the fool" is not a attribute. It is a sure sign of codependency, lack of self-worth and insecurity.

          Her.. she has physically beaten me up 3 times now, and almost on many other occasions. She qualifies for almost every red flag, and somehow I always end up feeling like I am the problem.
          You should have left her after the first attack. You need to address why you didn't.

          So, there is way too much to list, so I will just list a few things that I have raised an eyebrow to, and you guys, and girls please, can give me that unbiased opinion not based on your own bad experiences, but based on logic and common sense, feel free to ask questions, please... okay, so.. 2 years ago, she lost it one. Ight, beat me up and left, and I saw no good reason for any of it. We split for about a month but the whole time she said we were not broken up, just taking time to work on ourselves. That didnt last long, and we moved back in together but up by her mom here in Ventura.
          That was foolish. One does not move back in with someone that is physically abusive, mentally abusive, emotionally abusive. You must work on yourself and figure out why you are so emotionally desperate that you would return for more of that.

          While we were split, she reached out to her ex, hung out with him for a weekend, and swears all they did was kiss. She also reached out to a few other guys, and I wrote this off as her being confused and lost, but we fixed everything and started going to church.
          You fixed nothing. She certainly knows what to say to hoover you back though.

          Btw, the whole time we were split, I was going to "Therapy" because she wanted me to. It made no sense, other than she needed to believe it was all my fault, and I think my mistake was letting her.
          I hope you are still going to therapy because you need help in figuring out why you would stay with someone that cheats (kissed an ex) and then tells you the whole time you were split you weren't broken up but she immediately falls into the arms of another man anyway.

          Well, anyway, 2 years later and for about the first year and a half, I could go on fb messenger and see her last active status which would match this guy Jeffreys last active about 95% of the time. She only goes on fb before and during work, and avoids it all together when she has days off, but every monday and tuesday, like a clock, she shows up active while she is getting ready for work. Then for short periods of time while she is at work. She is a hairstylist. So one day about 4 months ago, I called her on it, and said how is it possible that two people who supposedly NEVER talk or anything can manage to ALWAYS have the same last active status? Literally l, example; "last active 6 min ago. 24 min ago. 4 hours ago. 2 min ago. 46 min ago" like a clock... and that next day, somehow both of their active status's dissapeared. They just dont show up... hers just started showing up again randomly here and there. I thought maybe fb has trouble connecting, or some technical reason.. or the obvious.. welll, thats just one of 100 different things that bother me daily.
          How sad that you creep her (and him) like that instead of just leaving her and working on yourself with the help of your therapist.

          Here is another one.. she goes through phases where she will have bruises on her butt and thighs. They just show up, and are the size and shape of a finger or two. This happens in phases, and she currently is not getting bruises. But she swears up and down there is nothing going on, and I dont accuse her, I just nonchalantly bring it up, and she always answers my questions with anger and defense and turns it into something about me. Lots of these things happen, and I am afraid I am just being the pathetic fool because I love our (her) daughter, and promised her I will always be her dad.
          If you're going to stay with someone that gaslights you, beats you, lies to you, triggers your insecurity then I suggest you reconsider. The way you two relate is not healthy for this child you use as an excuse to stay with her mother. You are teaching this little girl that your type of dysfunctional relating is normal. You are training her to be either just like her mother who will be the beater, or just like you who will be the codependent accepter of being beat.

          Her real dad is a sicko pedofile. He never got to do anything to her, thank god, but I am her dad now, and plan on staying her dad.
          Do you have proof of that or are you going on your fiance's unreliable accounting of what her ex is?

          So, without giving more details, what is your unbiased opinion on wether or not she is cheating. Bear in mind, I have no substantial evidence, just the circumstantial screenshots of the active status's (1000s of those).
          What does it fucking matter? You're too codependent to leave her, you use the daughter as an excuse to stay so just turn a blind eye and carry on in the dysfunctional bullshit you call a relationship. If you were smart, you'd see a lawyer about your rights to visitation to this girl and then leave the situation all together.

          One last thing I will add... I will never forget something she told me when we first started seeing eachother.. she said in response to me asking her if shes cheated on anyone, she responded with "I have but I dont, and I know how to get away with it if I did" .. she literally told me that she knows how to cheat and not get caught.
          Yet you were so emotionally immature and desperate to be in a relationship that you continued to see someone like her anyway. Do you see now that you have an issue that you need to continue to work on with your therapist?

          I feel like either she set the stage for me to become suspicious of her, or she really is that confidant about it. Thank you in advance, and before anyone says I should leave her, I am not looking for advice on wether or not I should leave.
          Of course you're not. You're too scared to leave and no matter how dysfunctional your relationship is, you're going to stay in the mess and subsequently teach that little girl to be either like you,(willing to take a beating) or like her mother.(give one to the men she ends up with) Sad.

          I can make that decision on my own..
          Hardly or you would have left after the first beating.

          just your opinions on wether these things can be overlooked as coincidental or not. Thanks.
          Why do you care if she's cheating. You're not going to leave her and apparently she's fulfilling something you need even if she is so suck it up buttercup or GTFO.
          Women I have a question for you too, after I get a few good answers here...
          Can't wait.

          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            I appreciate all ofthe advice, although these are all things that I know and can decide for myself. I am asking a very specific question, and I dont want to be judged for watching her status. Obviously I havent been able to decide to leave yet and am still unsure if she is actually cheating, because if I had the actual proof, I would then make the choice to leave. As for our daughter, she is kept completely out of harms way. We control our relationship to never argue or discuss anything in front of her. She is 10 years old and as happy as could be. We give her all the attention she could ever need. Its the question of is it possible that 2 people who dont speak or communicate supposedly to always have the same active status... that is my question. Am I naive to think this magnitude of a coincedence exists. I have a strong desire to help others, and its my downfall. But there is a dynamic, where my gut feels she wants to have her cale and eat it too. The bruises, the active status, all the red flags, and my gut... could I be wrong. Could this all be mere rediculous coincedence? I do appreciate the opinions, and I am not so sensitive that I am offended. I appreciate constructive criticism.

            Comment


            • #7
              There is not enough evidence to conclude that she's cheating. However, what you are seeing are red flags. No one here can give you any more than that. Obviously you don't trust her and there are plenty of reasons to leave her. Do you need conclusive proof that she's cheating to realize you are in an unhealthy relationship?

              Comment


              • #8
                Id also like to add that I believe people do change and if it werent for 2nd chances, where would any of us be? Every situation is different and I would like to be seen as an individual situation, not just "it sounds like this is so, so it must be like every other dysfunctional couple out there".

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Therealone View Post
                  .... Every situation is different and I would like to be seen as an individual situation, not just "it sounds like this is so, so it must be like every other dysfunctional couple out there"....
                  That's a wonderful wish, but past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior UNLESS there is a genuine desire and motivation to change.

                  Does she indicate any desire or motivation to change? If not, you're just engaged in wishful thinking and avoiding your date with reality.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Therealone View Post
                    I appreciate all ofthe advice, although these are all things that I know and can decide for myself. I am asking a very specific question, and I dont want to be judged for watching her status.
                    Too bad... your behavior is judgeworthy and thereby is being judged.

                    Obviously I havent been able to decide to leave yet and am still unsure if she is actually cheating, because if I had the actual proof, I would then make the choice to leave.
                    She beat you, what difference does it make if she cheated or not... you should leave her for the very fact that she is an asshole to the nth degree... a horrible bully, a twat, a sociopath ffs.

                    As for our daughter, she is kept completely out of harms way.
                    Bull Shit. Who are you trying to kid? Yourself I assume since you're not fooling any of us.

                    We control our relationship to never argue or discuss anything in front of her. She is 10 years old and as happy as could be. We give her all the attention she could ever need.
                    Was she not in the house while you were being attacked by this woman that you are addicted to? That is the only way she would be "out of harms way."

                    Its the question of is it possible that 2 people who dont speak or communicate supposedly to always have the same active status... that is my question.
                    Grow up. You know that she's talking to him. Why are you trying to find an excuse to not have to face what you know.

                    Am I naive to think this magnitude of a coincedence exists.
                    No, you are codependent and afraid to be alone to the point that you use the little girl as an excuse to stay when your gut is screaming the truth to you.

                    I have a strong desire to help others, and its my downfall.
                    Yes it is. Have you discussed that with your therapist?

                    But there is a dynamic, where my gut feels she wants to have her cale and eat it too. The bruises, the active status, all the red flags, and my gut... could I be wrong.
                    Are you reading yourself? Do you see how sad that sounds.

                    Could this all be mere rediculous coincedence?
                    You know it isn't. But that fact is secondary. You need to leave your emotional, psychological and physical abuser. The cheating is irrelevant at this point.

                    I do appreciate the opinions, and I am not so sensitive that I am offended. I appreciate constructive criticism.
                    I hope you get the strength you need, with the help of your therapist, to leave her. Whether she's cheating or not. She's an abuser.

                    I am hoping to get good advice on my relationship. Im engaged, been together 4 years, and I have accepted her daughter as my own and take care of them.
                    What exactly do you mean "you take care of them?
                    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; August 3rd, 2018, 08:44 PM.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      She beat you, what difference does it make if she cheated or not
                      This is the point I was just about to make. The cheating is a secondary issue.

                      Why do you stay with someone who thinks it's acceptable to physically attack you? The answer is codependency etc. as Phases points out.

                      It seems you are unwilling to face up to the fact that you should leave this abuser, and are here looking for people to tell you to 'forgive and forget' and carry on with the relationship. I'd still advise that you leave ASAP, but at the very least you need to tell your therapist the full details of the situation otherwise you are just wasting your time and money.
                      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I rarely encourage snooping, but at this point Iíd say itís time to go through her phone or put a gps on her car. It sounds like you need tangible proof that sheís cheating before you can figure out your next move. I thinking snooping is unethical, but if youíre dealing with a cheater who is good at covering her tracks, it might be the only solution that will give you the proof you need to find closure. No matter what you discover you should never reveal that you snooped on her. Just see what you need to see and remove all evidence that you snooped and proceed forward with the new information. Iím pretty sure youíll find enough evidence to make a clean break and walk away. The odds are very high that she is cheating. Good luck

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by deadelvis View Post
                          I rarely encourage snooping, but at this point Iíd say itís time to go through her phone or put a gps on her car. It sounds like you need tangible proof that sheís cheating before you can figure out your next move. I thinking snooping is unethical, but if youíre dealing with a cheater who is good at covering her tracks, it might be the only solution that will give you the proof you need to find closure. No matter what you discover you should never reveal that you snooped on her. Just see what you need to see and remove all evidence that you snooped and proceed forward with the new information. Iím pretty sure youíll find enough evidence to make a clean break and walk away. The odds are very high that she is cheating. Good luck
                          Elvis: This is terrible advise that is the hallmark of a person that is addicted in codependency rather then confident and healthy emotionally. This women is an abuser and whether she cheats on him or not is irrelevant. You leave someone who beats you. Period!
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                            Elvis: This is terrible advise that is the hallmark of a person that is addicted in codependency rather then confident and healthy emotionally. This women is an abuser and whether she cheats on him or not is irrelevant. You leave someone who beats you. Period!
                            I disagree. Domestic violence is a very different issue depending on gender. I let women beat on me to get out their anger. It doesnít hurt. Iím a big guy who fights other guys. Unless sheís trying to stab or shoot me thereís not really anything a woman can to to physically hurt me. Iíve never hit a woman. If I actually hit a woman it would probably kill her or at least destroy her face. Domestic violence against men is a joke. Sometimes itís good to let your girl just beat on you to get out her anger. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I donít think Iím wrong. OPs issue was actually about trust and infidelity. Thatís what Iím responding to. Clearly OP, like myself is not concerned with the physical abuse.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by deadelvis View Post
                              Clearly OP, like myself is not concerned with the physical abuse.
                              Clearly, Phases was right when she said ''addicted in codependency rather then confident and healthy emotionally''.
                              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                              Comment

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