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  • Need some advice ...

    So me, and my girlfriend have both known each-other since April 3rd 2016. The biggest problem is we're long distance. We've met plenty of times, and make a regular occurrence of it. But every since we've been together, the sweet, innocent, loving girl that I knew has all but dwindled and diminished over time.

    We took a 6 month break in 2017, I started a new job. And my girlfriend had unfair expectations. We both know and are aware of the seven hour time difference between us. She is a U.S Citizen, and I am a UK Citizen.

    There's so much information regarding my feelings, and why I feel so lost. So I am gonna attempt to break it all down and make it as TL;DR friendly.

    My girlfriend, I love her very dearly. She is always the epicentre of my thought process, and decision making. I had successfully completed a 17 week training programme which meant a 50 + mile commute there and back every day from my local home town.

    This was to get a job working in an industry that would provide the financial, and emotional support needed to ensure we could live together. However when I first started it seemed viable for the first week, and then the second, and after a month I was getting really exhausted, sick, and fed up. It wasn't the job, but I couldn't enjoy the job as a result of issues at home.

    We Skype every day that we can, for as long as we can. Mostly sleeping together on Skype, but she is an insomniac, with the seven hour time difference and all her other behavioural traits. It essentially meant I was going to do 11 hour shifts, with two hours sleep or there abouts every night.

    I completely exhausted myself, and one night I snapped and ended it for six months. I missed her dearly, and was incredibly concerned about her. But I figured if I have no job, and no income. Then any dream, or hope of being together would not be possible given the immigration laws for none EU residents in the UK.

    At around Christmas 2017 I was made redundant, the department I worked was no longer required due to a large reorganisation within the company. This meant I was out, depressed, and lonely. I got back in-contact with her and we have been back together 7 months now, with no physical contact. Only Skype ...

    The issue is since I've come back, her negative behaviour from before is still there but 10 times worse. I know, my own fault right, I made my bed so I'll sleep it in sorta thing.

    I can't sleep, or have any hopes of a sleeping pattern. She is toxic beyond belief, and mentally and verbally abusive. She purposely does things that she knows upset and hurt me, and all the while expects me to behave in a specified way to not be detrimental to her, despite the fact me behaving like a decent human being.

    She is incredibly paranoid, she calls me a cheater, man-wh**e, f**k boy, and all these things every day. She calls me a perverted pig because I apparently stare at her chest, and behind when she's on camera. (Absolutely not true by the way.)

    She basically treats me like a scum bag, whilst making hurtful and abusive remarks. She calls me every explicit word she can fire at me, often calling me a C U NEXT TUESDAY on a regular basis. She bad talks me to anyone she can, often excusing her behaviour because of her paranoia.

    I've had to resort to using a piece of software to play a video of me asleep so I can get a few hours to myself, and then some actual sleep. This is so I can do everyday things like wash, bathroom, eat, drink, socialise etc. (Not allowed to her, as I am off camera and can't be trusted apparently.)

    Some of the things she does is live stream on a website, to talk and chat to other people (always guys enter), I wouldn't have a problem with this, but she often does it when I am asleep, and turns the camera away and mutes herself whilst she does it. I have an issue with this, and it makes me feel uncomfortable because, it makes me not want to sleep, and I've seen the way the audience interact with her, it's all seedy men looking for a hookup, it's purely just bad moderation on her part, but sometimes she encourages that attention and often privately messages them.

    She will play songs and movies of an explicit nature, and then accuse me of being turned on by it, and then has a go at me, where she can be incredibly toxic, and evil.

    She cusses me out, and calls me names like it's normal. And often berates me in-front of her parents, or the people who tune in to her livestreams.

    She also has anger issues, she will get mad at me, over something she creates, and hits and smashes her laptop, and iPhone, which causes communications issues between us, on which she accuses me of going out and doing things I shouldn't.

    She brings up arguments from months, and sometimes a couple of years ago to start new drama.

    She will hang up on me regularly, and refuse to answer back and send me messages to play mind games, and make me feel very uncomfortable, sometimes even blocking me for extended periods of time, and refusing to speak to me, until she deems I've been punished long enough.

    She creates situations, out of nothing. I can literally sit there, minding my own business. And she will get bored of whatever it is she's doing, so conspire, and make something up to have a go at me over.

    I am not perfect, I have said some nasty mean things in retaliation to her, I've never been physically abusive I would never. I've been brought up under strict rules, and morals. I treat her like a genuinely good boyfriend would, I try to be as patient and reassuring as possible.

    But I am getting to my tether end again, I have a job interview coming up, and I know if I got that job our relationship is not viable again. I did get back with her on the basis of actually being serious and trying to make a consorted effort to be together, but I allowed my better judgement to be clouded out of my love, and feeling of responsibility to her.

    One of the major reasons I want to leave, is because she is not the same girl I fell in love with anymore, any glimmer of that is only brief, and doesn't make up for the constant bombardment of abuse, and stress/mental suffering she can cause me.

    She calls me a cheater, and all these horrible things, and she does it so exceptionally well. That sometimes I find myself questioning my own thoughts, and feelings. And starting to feel like an utterly bad person. I want to make it clear, that I am not a cheater, and would never ever do that. In fact during the six months we were apart I had no contact with any other women.

    The thing is, I've tried leaving already. But I feel so responsible for her, she remains safe, and stableish as long as I am with her. If I am not with her she will go out in the middle of night, to the most dangerous neighbourhoods and walk around. She interacts with strangers, and often gets into cars with them. She's taken schedule 1 classified drugs, and been seriously hurt by some of these individuals.

    She has such a low opinion, and drive for herself, that she purposely puts herself in that situation stating that she isn't scared, and that she's been hurt badly so many times before that she doesn't care. She doesn't want to do well for herself, and will turn to utter suffering if she is not with me. Now you can hopefully start to see why as a person who genuinely loves and cars about her why I struggle to leave.

    I know in my mind that I must leave, but I can't bring myself to do it on the basis of what she will do. He parents, and grandparents continue to try and support her and encourage her to get a job, and try and make an effort. But she doesn't do that now, or when she's not with me. But if she's not with me, she does the really bad things. Purely probably because I prevent her from doing those things best of my ability. But it's coming at a cost to my welfare and well-being.

    I want to leave, but something is stopping me. Sometimes I've hung up on her in a vat of rage, and misery. But I always find myself instantly calling back. I don't know why I can't do it, it really does hurt me. Because I will always love her and care about her. But she's just not the girl she once was anymore. I feel responsible for that, but these bad behaviour traits were around long before I left originally.

    She cusses me out from the minute I wake up, sometimes we have good times because we talk, play games, make an effort to do the best we can with the hand we were dealt.

    But the negatives always outweight the positives, I am fed up, I don't know what to do, and I feel trapped. I know if i get this job it will give me the extra motivation I need to succeed and move on, but right this minute I am trapped and sinking quickly. I have a distinct lack of support in my social circle, friends and family either don't understand, or find it silly that me and her are together.

    But we've met so many times, that the long distance part feels on par with any couple who maybe have a partner who works abroad, or is away from home long periods of time.

    Any advice, anyone who experiences the same as I do, or has done and know's what the best thing I can do is, I would appreciate hearing it.

    I just want to state for the record, that talking to her won't work. She refuses to listen, or always passes blame and ignores her responsibility. She continues to do the things I've said that hurt me, after hours long conversations. I've tried every day since she started behaving like this to help her stop.

    Cheers,
    Mike.


    Last edited by Mikey98; July 15th, 2018, 08:17 PM. Reason: Corrections, and modification.

  • #2
    That was a hefty amount of reading but I pulled through.. Mike, you seem like a good guy looking for a good future I like people like you who just want to settle down as early as they can in order to have a secure future, cheers man. You need to step away from that toxic relationship whatever damage or words you said must have affected her especially since you broke up with her, Most girls won't take a break up lightly, just like any individual they lose trust and they lose their hope in love. I think she doesn't understand what you're going through in your mind, but In my opinion you should tell her how much you pulled through for her and How deeply sorry you are for breaking up with her. Maybe there is still hope to save this relationship. She only talks to other guys to tease you and get you jealous, and get you mad because she feels like she lost her trust and lost you. If you want to continue this you need to Skype her and tell her how it is. If she calls you these words you need to talk to her and be assertive when you want to speak because you have a voice and she needs to listen, if she doesn't then your best bet is to break it up and move forward, sometimes relationships like these hang by a thread, that's bound to be broken and it's better for your future because her decisions right now are based on her own behavior, she choses to do those things, you're not forcing her to do so. You don't have to guilt yourself because whatever she does is on her and I'm sure any girl would be lucky to have you, you just have to find the right one, and my gut is telling me this girl isn't..

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    • #3
      Originally posted by RedX View Post
      That was a hefty amount of reading but I pulled through.. Mike, you seem like a good guy looking for a good future I like people like you who just want to settle down as early as they can in order to have a secure future, cheers man. You need to step away from that toxic relationship whatever damage or words you said must have affected her especially since you broke up with her, Most girls won't take a break up lightly, just like any individual they lose trust and they lose their hope in love. I think she doesn't understand what you're going through in your mind, but In my opinion you should tell her how much you pulled through for her and How deeply sorry you are for breaking up with her. Maybe there is still hope to save this relationship. She only talks to other guys to tease you and get you jealous, and get you mad because she feels like she lost her trust and lost you. If you want to continue this you need to Skype her and tell her how it is. If she calls you these words you need to talk to her and be assertive when you want to speak because you have a voice and she needs to listen, if she doesn't then your best bet is to break it up and move forward, sometimes relationships like these hang by a thread, that's bound to be broken and it's better for your future because her decisions right now are based on her own behavior, she choses to do those things, you're not forcing her to do so. You don't have to guilt yourself because whatever she does is on her and I'm sure any girl would be lucky to have you, you just have to find the right one, and my gut is telling me this girl isn't..
      I apologise about the hefty wall of text, there is allot more to the story than what I've put. It's nice to hear someone not being biased or unfair towards me. I am looking to end it at the moment, just struggling to bring myself to do it. I don't wanna have to block her, and or ignore her. But she won't talk about it, and make a change. Essentially it's got to end, but I want it to be easy, and straight forward rather than a fighting mess. I do love her and care about her, it's just I struggle with knowing what she'll do. I sometimes figure it's easy to just suck it up, if it means she isn't harmed. I appreciate your advice, and it's something I am going to take with me when I make a decision.

      I really appreciate the kind comments, reassures me of my decision making and opinions.

      The deal with the communications with other guys, has been a large problem since day one. She confides in others opinions to make informed decisions, despite them being biased and just wanting a shot at the title, it annoys me because she says its because I chose sleep over her, but I am on 4 hours a sleep a night already.
      Last edited by Mikey98; July 15th, 2018, 08:46 PM.

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      • #4
        As much as you follow you heart you have to follow your mind too, you have to do it to better yourself and better your experience for a future and healthier relationship.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by RedX View Post
          As much as you follow you heart you have to follow your mind too, you have to do it to better yourself and better your experience for a future and healthier relationship.
          When she hangs up on me, and blocks me. I see that as an easy opportunity to end it, I don't feel talking is a good idea. She really is just abusive when ever the prospect of me discussing her behaviour comes up. It's a shame really ... she could do so much, and be so much. She does see a therapist, and has been to see the doctors on many occasions, professional help doesn't work, and my help is coming at a cost to my well-being.

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          • #6
            Right now your well being is more important because you're putting out more then what you deserve

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            • #7
              After that ocean of text, all I want to know is why you have so little respect for yourself that you allow her to treat you this way?
              What makes you believe you don't deserve better?
              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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