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  • Depressed and need advice

    I've been with the same woman for over a decade. We recently separated and got back together. One of the main reasons we separated is because we grew distant. Yesterday was her birthday and we are hundreds of miles apart for the day. This is the first time we are not able to celebrate together. I was telling her how much I missed her and how I feel left out that I can't celebrate with her and our kids. I couldn't keep myself from reiterating that message even tho I did make sure to sing her happy birthday and tell her how I'd help her celebrate if I was there. I made her mad because she thought I was making her special day about me. That was not my intention. I have a hard time expressing my negative feelings. I feel like I am just burdening anyone I tell and I find it easier to keep to myself or tell people that won't be significantly effected by my woes. Considering one of the main reasons we separated is a lack of communication I feel conflicted. We used to live together and she said one of the reasons she wants to postpone moving back in is because I made her feel negative on her special day. All I wanted to do was be a better communicator than I had previously been and I apparently chose the wrong day, the wrong times, and the wrong amount of times to express my negative feelings. I don't want to start arguments. Especially being so far away. The distance is temporary and I will be back to living near her and the kids soon. But it may be a month or so before I can. I don't know what to do... Should I just bottle my negative feelings up again?

  • #2
    Should I just bottle my negative feelings up again?
    No... what you should do is talk them out with a professional psycho therapist in ongoing sessions until your depression is under control and you no longer have any "negative feelings."

    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      10 years is a long amount of time, been with many girls but not for that long. You probably put so much effort in making your wife and kids happy. It's ok to show your feelings to her, but do not overdo it. Give yourself time to reflect, start doing things that you like, put yourself first, at least for some time.

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      • #4
        Counseling or therapy could be a great option for you. Working with someone who can help you to better communicate your emotions in a way that's not perceived as negative could really help your relationship. It's important you're able to express yourself, but depression is something that can get in the way of that and make it difficult. Therapy can help you overcome the negativity, and while it probably won't solve your problems it can give you the tools necessary to face your problems and work through them in a healthy way.

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        • #5
          Take care of your depression first, people with depression have a particular way of seeing the problems and thinking about them, making it hard to solve any relationship problem. Once you get it under control you will see that the way you think and talk changes and that you can change it even more.

          PS: having depression tendencies and two sisters who had gone through depression I have a little understanding of the situation, but talking to a professional is always better.

          Good luck.

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          • #6
            You did come across very self centred on her birthday.
            YOU missed her, YOU felt left out etc etc
            You did make it all about you.

            You did express your negative feelings and on a day you shouldn't have.

            What was wrong with a simple happy birthday honey, I hope you have an enjoyable day , look forward to a belated celebration together. And allow her to actually enjoy her birthday without feeling guilt tripped because YOU aren't happy to be missing out.

            The problem with depression is that it is very self centred and as difficult as it is for you, it's also incredibly difficult for a family member. In fact it's exhausting.

            So, what are YOU going to do about it?
            I think communication is not the first and foremost problem here. The problem lies with your self worth.
            Seek counselling and when you increase that self worth , your communication skills will naturally improve.

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            • #7
              I used to dwell on negative thoughts all the time. I made more money than I needed and a faithful wife of 30 years at the time. Everything in my life was good and yet I dwelled on negative thoughts. Then I went to a doctor and told him. Tried a few antidepressants and found one that worked and since then the negative thoughts went away. We are not married 46 years and I cannot remember the last time I felt sad or had negative feelings or thoughts. See a doctor. If he cannot help then see a Psychiatrist. My Psychiatrist knows a lot more than my family doctor and was able to put me on medication that eliminated the side effects of the medication I was on. If you can, see a Psychiatrist first as it will save you a little time and your visits are all about your mental problem unlike when I went to my family doctor who was much more concerned about sending me for tests for things I had no symptoms of merely due to my age. You can fix this but you need to seek help.

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