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Repairing trust after snooping

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  • Repairing trust after snooping

    Hello!
    okay so I am in a relationship with a guy for 8 months. We are both 20. And lately things have gotten a little rocky. Especially due to the fact that I have an anxiety disorder and I have a past where an ex cheated on me and abused me. I have acted difficult because of it...and so far he has been more than forgiving during those rough times.

    Just when things couldn't get worse, they did. He started seeing an old crush who he used to pursue a year ago. But she ignored him and he eventually left her. He has been friends with her since the 2 year mark of our relationship. He started talking with her frequently and recently he decided to spend time with her. I have expressed to him before my concerns and how uncomfortable I felt about it and he still continued having contact with her. I didn't tell him I wanted him to stop seeing her. But yes I did feel strange about it.

    He has never given me a reason to not trust him. He has never given a reason to think he would lie. But selfishly, I decided to check for myself. I looked at his messages with her while he was at work, and I found nothing. I felt guilty...and I decided to be honest with him and tell him what I did. He is angry and devastated and he is questioning the relationship.

    I feel like the most horrible girlfriend ever for doing this. I broke some trust, and I have convinced him I don't trust him. Maybe I didn't at the time. But now I know my suspicions were wrong the whole time. I know I would never snoop again because I know now that he means more to me than anything in the whole wide world. And I am willing to rebuild that trust, however long it takes.. Even if it means not being alone with his laptop for a while. Or even being in his house alone for a while. But after how difficult I have acted and then this on top of it, I am afraid he may not want to continue the relationship. I am afraid maybe I should leave because I don't want to bring pain to him. I am so afraid. And I need answers. What should I do? Should I be dumped? Is there hope?
    Last edited by batgirl1324; July 12th, 2018, 10:23 AM.

  • #2
    You can't guarantee you won't ever snoop again, for several reasons.

    One being you don't have your anxiety under control. You're in shock now because you're worried for your relationship, but next time something worries you, you'll be right back to your old ways. You need to start working on your anxiety and getting the proper treatment for it, therapy and the right medication. You need to realise that in a relationship, you're both supposed to make a positive contribution to each others lives. You can't do that if you have mental problems holding you back and causing you to make bad decisions. If you want to be in a committed relationship, you have to be committed to being the best kind of person you can be, for the sake of your partner.

    The other reason is you haven't been drawing clear boundaries. But guess what, leaving things vague and undefined like you have, gets couples in trouble. You're not married (yet) and don't have kinds with this guy, which means you're still just dating. Dating is about finding out whether you're compatible or not. Having matching boundaries about how much (if any) contact with exes, former crushes or opposite-sex friends alltogether is allowed, is incredibly important.
    You clearly haven't set out those boundaries. You hint that you don't like it, but you don't put your foot down. Then, you decide you're not okay with it after all and do something stupid and disrespectful like checking his phone. You realise you could have avoided this if you'd just been honest about your boundaries, right? And if he disagrees and thinks having these kinds of friendships is okay, then you've learned a valuable lesson: that he's not the right guy for you.

    So start by defining your boundaries and dealbreakers. And THEN figure out whether he fits the picture. He will do the same, and you'll see where you end up, together or not.

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    • #3
      I second everything Ayla said.

      With regards to your anxiety, you need to own it and get it sorted. ''My ex messed me around so I'm all fucked up'' won't fly for long. You need to do the necessary work to get past that so you can be in a good place to begin relationships.

      As for your current relationship, my advice would be to just never mention this snooping incident again. If you constantly bring it up, saying things like ''How can I make it up to you'' etc it will be super annoying and draining for your BF. Just let it go, pretend it never happened, and let your BF be the one to initiate any conversation about it or how he wants to handle it.
      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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      • #4
        Christ, this idiot is still talking to a woman he used to date? Of course you have every right to be uncomfortable. What a loser. You're dating. That means that you begin to get to know each other and what you're made of. He's a sack of bs and it's better that you find out he doesn't have his priorities straight sooner rather than later. DON'T dumb down your suspicions or blame your past. This guy is a plain douche and you're right to call him out on it. I wouldn't stand for it and I don't think any woman should.

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        • #5
          I think you guys should be able to get past the snooping thing. You already owned up to it, and so now moving forward you need to consider to hold yourself accountable for that kind of behavior. It's not okay to go through his stuff, that's a boundary he is not happy with you crossing and it's one you should respect.

          However, I think (like Ayla and a few others have said) you need to set a few boundaries of your own. If contact with his ex makes you uncomfortable you need to lay down the law and tell him so. Not just discuss it lightly, you need to tell him that him regularly texting, talking to, and seeing his ex is not something that you are or ever will be okay with. Frankly, I think it's disrespectful, and I don't think you're asking too much by telling him you don't think that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

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