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Have you ever let a deal breaker slide?

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  • Have you ever let a deal breaker slide?

    Hi all.. I'm 4 months into a relationship that has progressed pretty fast. I think the past couple of weeks we have entered into what I can only describe as a "truth bomb" phase - we are feeling more comfortable, opening up more deeply and are starting to learn some pretty real things about each other. It's kind of scary. Some of the things that I've learned about my boyfriend have made me think twice about staying because I know they will make things difficult at times. One of the things I have learned I consider to be a pretty firm deal breaker. Still, I have not chosen to leave yet because I care about him now. I think it's important to have firm boundaries, but I still feel conflicted.

    Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Did you stay or did you leave? If you stayed how did things end?

  • #2
    Afterimage It depends and what you refer to as a "deal breaker." There are different degrees of offenses. If it's something forgivable such as the boyfriend humbly admitting fault, apologizing and sincerely making real changes for the better to fix himself, then it's not a deal breaker to me. However, if it's really bad such as a horrible moral issue and breaking all the rules of integrity, I'd say it's true deal breaker and time to permanently go your separate ways. Nowadays, I'm only with honorable, kindhearted people and everyone else is out. I no longer accept those who practice deceitful behavior into my life anymore. Those days are gone.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      I agree. There are varying degrees of offenses. How bad of an issue is this?
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        I don't think it's a good idea to let dealbreaker slide. It will come back to bite you. Mark my words. Its best to have a firm concept of what are your dealbreakers and stick to it. I know a woman whose dealbreaker was smoking. She married him hoping h3 would change. Sure enough he continued to smoke and it caused a lot of friction in their marriage. They are now divorced. I know a woman who swore she would never marry a man who had multiple divorces. Well, she eventually married him and sure enough the same behaviors that caused his prior marriages to fail started happening and they ended up divorc3d after 5 years. I know Two w9men who married very controlling men. Those men escalated to abuse during the marriage. Those two couple are now divorced. Dealbreakers should be firm. If you ignore them, and stay in the relationship anyway, you will pay the price and your relationship will likely not survive.

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        • #5
          Mary makes some good points, but I do think it matters what kind of deal breaker it is. One of my deal breakers used to be short guys. Does height have anything to do with the quality of your relationship? Not really, but it mattered a lot to me when I was in high school.
          Last edited by Witch; July 11th, 2018, 06:13 PM.

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          • #6
            You generally create deal-breakers when you are in a clear state of mind based on values, lifestyle preferences and/or important experiences. The important point is you do them when you are clearheaded. Therefore, you don't want to start making adjustments when you are not clear-headed--as in when your head and your heart are pulling in different directions.

            Now, that's not to say you can't make adjustments, but don't make them on serious issues.

            The specifics of your deal-breaker would be helpful in offering any more advice.

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            • #7
              Personally no and my deal breakers are much more than most have. For instance sex with someone else as long as it is the exception and not the rule is not a deal breaker for us. My ex fiancÚ cheating with a friend of mine while I was in combat was a deal breaker. My ex girlfriend asking my visiting friends to all join her in bed was a deal breaker, but not her having sex with other guys a few nights a week. When my wife came out as bisexual it was not a deal breaker nor was her moving in her girlfriend to live with us and sharing her with me. If she had dated her girlfriend without my knowledge, that would have been a deal breaker.

              Without knowing what the heck your deal breaker is, how can we help? One person's deal breaker is another's no big deal.

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              • #8
                I have a friend whose dealbreakers are height , weight, what car he drives etc. All superficial! She is desperate to have kids and has been in a few 1 yr plus relationships in the last few years. She is now recently dating a guy who has none of her dealbreakers yet ignores the fact that 2 months in he is only now moving out of his marital home where his wife and 2 kids live. They are apparently separated 6 months but still live together until now because of complicated finances.

                She is 40, doesn't have time to waste re having kids. He clearly won't be upset about not having anymore but he is a good height , weight and drives a nice car! I can't get through to her that there are red flags flapping!
                Her focus is skewed!

                Like Pollon said, deal breakers need to be made with a clear mind before entering a relationship.
                My friend went back online dating within days of splitting up with the last guy.

                Whats the dealbreaker you are talking about here?
                You can't possibly get reasonable advice until you let us know.

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                • #9
                  Dealbreakers are usually also forged through fire and because an individual has been burned before. A person already has an idea or understanding of the hypothetical issue whether from direct or indirect experience and has formed a belief or opinion based on that type of experience.

                  I'm going to be the devil's advocate here and also mention that people in general are not constant and evolve over time. As a result our beliefs and opinions may also change although arguably not by much as our core beliefs usually remain constant. Some things do change over time... for some, quite radically whether over time, through trauma, or some other cataclysmic event. While I don't think dealbreakers are meant to be ignored I think it's reasonable and intelligent to also leave some wiggle room for self-growth and evolution.

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                  • #10
                    It depends on the deal breaker- but I find if you accept something you normally wouldn't, eventually you will regret it and it could be years wasted.

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                    • #11
                      Afterimage Deal breakers run the gamut. If there is room for realistic improvement, I'd say it doesn't have to lead to full on deal breaker category. If, however, the deal breaker is so bad with no repairs in sight, then yes, it's a real deal breaker and time to permanently go your separate ways. You need to enforce healthy boundaries in order to attain peace of mind, security, protection and self-respect.
                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                      • #12
                        Hi everyone. Thanks for your many replies and sorry for my delayed one. The dealbreaker that I am concerned about is occasional recreational drug use. about twice a month he says but I am concerned that he would lie about it in the future as he knows I'm not happy about this. I feel like this is a good reason to cut things off. We are 4 months in. Our relationship progressed really fast, I do care a lot for him but I don't think I can make him change if he doesn't want to. I guess I don't want to break up with him because I was pretty happy with how things were going. It felt like we had a really good start until this.

                        I also found out that he has struggled with depression and even attempted suicide once. These things are not deal breakers, because he is doing well now (although he is often negative and has days where he gets really down). I do have concerns however that this in combination with drug use is a bad idea. I am also concerned that an issue like depression will affect our relationship and be hard to deal with.
                        Last edited by Afterimage; July 15th, 2018, 02:25 AM.

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                        • #13
                          I agree, this is a very valid deal-breaker.
                          Walk away now before you get too attached.
                          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Afterimage View Post
                            Hi everyone. Thanks for your many replies and sorry for my delayed one. The dealbreaker that I am concerned about is occasional recreational drug use. about twice a month he says but I am concerned that he would lie about it in the future as he knows I'm not happy about this. I feel like this is a good reason to cut things off. We are 4 months in. Our relationship progressed really fast, I do care a lot for him but I don't think I can make him change if he doesn't want to. I guess I don't want to break up with him because I was pretty happy with how things were going. It felt like we had a really good start until this.

                            I also found out that he has struggled with depression and even attempted suicide once. These things are not deal breakers, because he is doing well now (although he is often negative and has days where he gets really down). I do have concerns however that this in combination with drug use is a bad idea. I am also concerned that an issue like depression will affect our relationship and be hard to deal with.
                            Genuine deal breaker.
                            Break it off now!
                            Ive been there done that! Almost identical story!

                            His revelation about occasional drug use is only to get permission to.
                            It will suddenly be more apparent to you as how much he uses , but because you knew about it , your problem!!!

                            please walk away!

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                            • #15
                              If drug use is a deal-breaker for you, then it's over. Imagine experiencing, on a repeated basis, the disappointment you felt on learning of his use. Coupled with his depression, it would be reasonable to suppose that his drug use is really a form of self-medication. As his depression goes up, so does the drug use.

                              He's also crossed a very dangerous line. Attempting suicide is not something people do lightly. Imagine this relationship progresses and, as all couples do, you have a very serious argument and/or you come to the point that you want to end the relationship. Will you be able to take the actions you need to take when you know he is capable or attempting to hurt himself. While you would certainly not be responsible for his actions, do you want to be put in that position.

                              And finally, his depression is serious, as his suicide attempt makes clear. There is no way it won't effect your relationship in a significant way. Relationships are difficult enough without serious mental health problems. Don't start yours with that kind of handicap. He may be doing well now, as you say, but consider the context. He's in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. That's a powerful mood booster.

                              Has he received any treatment for his depression?

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