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Living a double life for years and it must end!

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  • Living a double life for years and it must end!

    Iím typically a very decisive individual. I am already past middle age and I have been a widow for about 7 years.

    The first man I dated is someone I knew almost 30 years before my late husband passed and he also knew my late husband. It has been a difficult relationship because I haven't been comfortable with what I see as his financial irresponsibility . Needless to say this is in direct contradiction to the way I handle my financial affairs. In addition unlike me, he doesnít have much money to his name and he is already collecting social security. While he is also working that helps in terms of paying his expenses but thereís very little left for retirement.

    Because of all of the differences and the fact that we argued from time to time my adult son is very against me ever seeing him again. My daughter lives out of town and she did not think he was compatible with me although I donít think she wants me to be alone. My son witnessed arguing with my boyfriend and leading to several break ups. He says he cannot get over this and does not want me to date him again.

    Iíve hid our relationship from some family and friends because I know theyíll tell me ďI can do betterĒ. Iíve dated other men who are financially settled like me but just never developed deep feelings for them and I found they weren't always as generous as I was.

    Last break up with original bf was earlier this year and we started seeing each other about a month ago after he he saw me on a dating site. It appears he got his life together and is making better financial decisions although time will tell.

    I took my boyfriend away for his birthday. Heís telling me that he will not tell anyone in his family or friends that we are dating again unless I tell both my children immediately since I hid the relationship from my kids until I was sure I was comfortable he and I would be together in the future but after reconciling before he would tell his family and friends and then we would break up so that has been in a embarrassment for him.

    My question is do I not date him even though I feel deeply for him because I do know in my heart that there is some compatibility issues for retirement and because Iím very very close with my son and I donít want to see him unhappy. I realize I have to live my own life but my son has lost his father and he has no girlfriend he also has Asperger's syndrome so he is very dependent on me sometimes.

    Part of me wants to just tell my kids this is the way it is I know itís a gamble but itís my gamble to take because itís my life. But the other part of me feels that perhaps I should just not take the chance since the kids my kids are all I have left in this world and I know that if we live together which is very likely, I may end up "paying the price". I cannot continue to live a double life since I did that before and I know that it hurts me and also really hurts my boyfriend. I saw tears in his eyes yesterday when he was pleading with me to tell my kids are ready so that he is free to share our trip and relationship once again with his family and friends. I really do care for him and I know he does for me although I donít know what the future holds. What thoughts do you have?

  • #2
    I think it's ridiculous for a woman to let her adult children dictate who she can and can't date.

    What do YOU want to do?
    Tell them or not?
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      I think its worth listening to those who love you and have your best interests at heart. Oftentimes, people wear rose colored glasses when 8n a relationship and ignore red flags that are obvious to others who are close to you. Don't deceive your children. Be honest with them. They care about your well being.


      • #4
        Are you financially independent?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          yes I am totally financially independent.


          • #6
            I think you should do what you want to do. If you want to keep dating him, tell your children not to comment on your personal life. But keep in mind that you'll probably be giving him (the boyfriend) lots of money in the future and paying for all vacations and extras.

            Are you sure you want to do this?
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


            • #7
              Not particularly. I have a decent amount saved for retirement but also my adult kids are not fully independent yet and I hope to live a long life! BUT, I am very lonely, have dated a number of men (who didn't have financial issues as far as I knew) and it never clicked for me. I feel very comfortable with the current bf except for the apprehension about the $ and sometimes he is too eager to be part of my life. He talks about living with me and marrying me too very often.
              I'm sick of the dating sites. Been on and off of them for 5 years. While there are "nice" guys out there, they all got some type of baggage (younger kids, multiple marriages, don't want an exclusive and close relationship, etc.). At what point do you just accept the risk?


              • #8
                What you DON'T do is accept a relationship because you're lonely. Have you considered getting a dog?

                Have you tried more high end dating sites that you pay for? You're likely to get a higher class of candidates.

                Of course he's eager to be part of your life. He probably sees you as a meal ticket.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


                • #9
                  Passing a lonely life is like a dead man. So you should consider someone to live with you. All the best!