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  • It just keeps happening...

    Should I just leave?

    I posted a while back about my husband and I arguing all the time. It gets better for a bit and then just starts back up again.

    Some feedback given to me here was to try to communicate and interact more from a place of love, so that's been my goal. My husband has a horrible tendency to procrastinate, this has caused issues before. So, I've just been doing my thing and trying to include him more to have some influence, instead of just nagging or getting mad when things aren't done.

    We have a BBQ planned today with friends, and it feels everything is always last second when people come over so I started planning in the evening yesterday, making a list to go shopping. I don't eat meat and my husband wanted to do steak kabobs, so I was asking him what I should add to the list for him. He just shrugged and kept playing his game. I said, please don't just shrug, I'd like to get the shopping done. He replied, I can shrug if I damn well please. I ignore that and continue, asked of he wanted to make the kabobs himself or get the premade ones, again he just shrugged. Now I'm starting to get pissed, but try to keep it calm... working on that place of love. I think he noticed that so finally responded with premade. I said, okay so which store might have those so I can shop there? He shrugs again! I said, okay I'll go to Kroger, if they don't have them I'll buy the parts to make them, what would you like on them if that happens. He replied, call me if that's the case. I reply, I'm making the list now how hard is it to name of steak and a few other ingredients just in case? He shrugs and I stop talking to him. Then after I get home from shopping he said, I was planning on going to Costco to buy the stuff for the kabobs. I was like, WTF? Why didn't you say that earlier instead of making me ask questions because I thought I was shopping?! I didn't want to wait until the last second again, and you always do! He said, because I thought I told you that a few days ago and guess you don't listen, so what is the point? I reply, well then why didn't you just quickly remind me because obviously I didn't hear that a few days ago or I wouldn't have been asking? Then it turns into a back and forth fight, like always, until I just left.

    Why can't we just have a conversation? Why is this so hard? I want to leave, but I feel such a time investment is wasted.
    Last edited by SoVeryConfused; July 8th, 2018, 01:43 PM.

  • #2
    After reading your other posts to know what you were talking about, I think that if after all these years you both haven't learned to live with each other I don't think it will get better.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm not understanding why you would ask (bother him) with all of those questions about food? Why didn't you just do the shopping and he gets what you cook or he can fuck off? Reading that whole first post had me wanting to argue with you. Would he hit you if you didn't get it right or something?

      Your husband is who he is, he's a procrastinator and he's not going to change so you have two choices as far as I can see. Either YOU change and stop enabling him to be like he was in your opening post (which means you need to change and learn to accept him for who he is) or you leave his game playing ass and find someone who likes to be a team. Someone who will answer all of your questions instead of you just going out, doing what you have to do if he has no input worth listening to.

      There is no way in hell I would be having that kind of conversation with my husband. He would get what I made or he'd go hungry. You're not a restaurant and he's your patron. My husband knows that I won't tolerate that kind of interaction and therefore he's is always most happy with what is placed in front of him at dinner time.
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; July 8th, 2018, 03:26 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        SoVeryConfused I think your marriage problem is more than about the food argument. I suggest professional marriage counseling for both of you and if you don't want to go that route, then there's a bad personality and character problem on your husband's part. If he's belligerent regarding the food conversation, I imagine he's this way regarding other topics in daily life, too. If he's the argumentative type and incompatible with you on a regular basis, it's not enjoyable to be married to someone like him because his behavior is abnormal and not peaceful.

        I personally would not want to be married to a man who fights me at every turn because day to day living would be miserable and I never want to be married to a high-maintenance person. Never ever. So, yes, I would leave him but if he's intelligent enough to change for himself and you, then remain in the marriage. If he will never change (most men never change btw), then I wouldn't want to be stuck to someone who would make me miserable everyday.

        I also suggest that you don't host BBQs or home entertain if it is stressful and arguing is involved prior to the party. It's unhealthy for your marriage to argue and then put on a happy face for your guests. Only home entertain if your husband behaves like a decent human being and an honorable, moral man. Any other type of behavior is a real deal breaker.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          That was tiring to read!
          Your husband doesn't care about the bloody steak so just buy some and if it's not to his liking then next time he'll organise himself better.

          I agree with phases that you enable his behaviour.
          You can't change him , so learn to live with him so that you are happy.
          Or get out.

          You had an unnecessary conversation about meat and the result was that you are unhappy.
          Why have the conversation in the first place??

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks for the responses everyone. Counseling probably would be a good idea. But, part of me knows it's likely another thing I'll have to set up and remind him about and I really don't want any more of that on my very full plate. So, I guess that should be an answer in and of itself.

            ​​​​I eat a vegan diet, he doesn't. During the week he usually eats whatever I make or he'll go out for lunch. I have been a plant based eater for all of my adult life and then some, so I have zero idea what I'm doing with animal products, cooking or purchasing. There was a mass text about what everyone was bringing, I answered with a couple salads and veggie burgers, he answered with steak kabobs. I was trying to make a list to be helpful because I said I'd go shopping, but I needed to know what he wanted and where I should get it because he likes a certain quality meat. If someone were asking me these questions about which brand of veggie burger and toppings to buy because they don't eat veggie burgers, I'd gladly answer and be appreciative they cared to ask. Though, what I'm gathering is that is the annoying thing to do, so next time just ignore it and let him go shopping himself.

            In direct response to what phases said, I can't tell him I don't like a certain behavior. Like you saying your husband knows you won't tolerate certain things so he just rolls with what is for dinner. If I tell my husband I'm tired of him just setting up auto-pays and then not paying attention to the bank account or asking him to do more around the house than dishes, or whatever, it turns into a fight everytime. I can't ask for change in behavior or be mad about something or he says, "Well you're lovely to live with." Every single time.

            I am starting to get confused on when I'm supposed to come from a place of love and care to do things for him or when I'm supposed to just let him do his own thing. Maybe, again, that is an answer itself... I'm not sure how to function with him, that doesn't sound like a good marriage from an external view.
            Last edited by SoVeryConfused; July 9th, 2018, 10:55 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              In direct response to what phases said, I can't tell him I don't like a certain behavior. Like you saying your husband knows you won't tolerate certain things so he just rolls with what is for dinner. If I tell my husband I'm tired of him just setting up auto-pays and then not paying attention to the bank account or asking him to do more around the house than dishes, or whatever, it turns into a fight everytime. I can't ask for change in behavior or be mad about something or he says, "Well you're lovely to live with." Every single time.
              Then if he won't change and you're not happy with who he is then you have your answer. The only person you have control over changing is yourself. So: Either do the mental work with (or without if you can) a personal therapist to help you to learn how to accept his indifferent, contrary attitude and be able to shrug it off or leave, get things divided up, heal and find someone who is more like you... a person who is willing to compromise and be a team.

              Your husband sounds like an asshole to be honest and short of him and you going to therapy together to see if things can get you back on track (surely your interaction with one another wasn't like this at the beginning of your courtship) there isn't much else you can do to make this right if he's just content to coast in unhappiness and indifference. It sounds like the only time you guys do anything as a team is bicker.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                There's something about your description of events that makes me think that your "interact more from a place of love" is not heartfelt. Your "please don't just shrug, I'd like to get the shopping done" sounds more like you made him understand that you wanted to do things your way and force him to change his way.

                Don't get me wrong, I think someone like him is bad news, but I also think that you, deep inside yourself, don't really want to make things work.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by SoVeryConfused View Post
                  Thanks for the responses everyone. Counseling probably would be a good idea. But, part of me knows it's likely another thing I'll have to set up and remind him about and I really don't want any more of that on my very full plate.
                  What exactly is your plate full of? You sound like you're stretching yourself very thinly and you aren't leaving enough time in the day to do fuck all. ....The result is someone really wound up! Try incorporating total down time and breaks. What's the point of a bbq anyway catering to a slew of other people when you can't even manage catering to a menu involving the both of you? If you want to go see your friends, figure out a less time-consuming activity or method and simply enjoy yourself.

                  Listen, you fell in love with this guy for a reason. Yes, you're annoyed because he's not cooperating the way you want him to. I get it. All I'm saying is I think you need to better manage yourself and what you take on before getting wound up so easily and so frequently. The less irritable you are in general the more people want to be around you anyway.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The context and timing of your shopping and housework conversations matters very much. You didn't provide any of those details so I'll just imagine the setting.

                    You are a bit of an anxious, controlling, perfectionist planner. What looks to you like procrastination might just be a relaxed, things will work out, I'm not going to stress it all approach to life. In fact, your opposite approaches to life were attractive when you first dated. He didn't stress you out and you helped him find some get-up-and-go. But, over the years, the demands of life have increased and your different styles have lead to irritation and more and more clashes.

                    You've come to view him as an irresponsible procrastinator rather than a laid back, easy to get along with guy. And he's come to see you as a non-stop nag who can't relax and is never satisfied.

                    So the other night your husband got home from work, has dinner with you (and the family??) and he sits down to unwind with his game. It's been a long day and he just wants some down-time for himself with NO INTERRUPTIONS.

                    In the middle of his little escape, you hit him with a planning question. Rather than asking you to wait for a minute (or an hour) while he finishes his game, he passive-aggressively tells you get off his back by dismissing you with a shrug. But, being irritated and feeling unappreciated with his dismissal, you persist with a barrage of questions thereby proving that he's an irresponsible procrastinator and your and condescending nag.

                    And your back to the cycle.

                    As Phases suggested, and I'll add to, it's time to remember and/or find what you appreciate(d) about the man. The two of you have different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on the strengths and try to ignore or minimize your attention to the weaknesses. Focus on being the best wife you can be rather than his shortfalls as a husband. Assuming he's human and not stupid, he'll notice. He might no be able to put a finger on what exactly happened to you, but he'll notice the change in atmosphere in the home (and in your attitude). And if he's smart, he might just up his game. Or at least you'll have created a space where you can express your needs without him immediately think the conversation is headed down the same old path.

                    Good luck

                    PS: Don't bother arguing with my made-up setting. Just think about what the real setting is from an objective long-term big-picture perspective. Then think about how you could make changes. If you want to bring more details here, we'll add more thoughts.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      My husband works from home 80% of the time and is a project manager, so is waiting on calls from his techs all day to make sure their jobs are done via camera or invoices to approve and forward for payment for those techs. In between those calls and invoices he plays video games all day and we don't have any kids. So, to be able to talk to him always requires me either interrupting a game or having the conversation during a meal. I do not appreciate him very much, you're right, in part because if not instructed otherwise he would literally sit at that computer all day until he sleeps and do it again and again. He says I'm too much maintenance and men are so much easier to understand than women, I always respond with I didn't know being boring and non productive meant easier to understand.

                      We had a fight a week because I finally exploded at him when I asked him to do laundry. He did, but then he left the clothes sitting in the washer for who knows how long and then still just dried them! The clothes smelled so sour and he did nothing but toss them in a laundry basket. I got pissed, he replied with, " You don't do much around here either! Oooo you pay the bills!" ( Even though I do nearly everything...) So, I said okay, pay your own bills then. So, he just sets them up on a auto-pay and stops checking them or the bank account. Then his credit card payment amount went up but wasn't adjusted so he got a late charge and ding on his credit. To which he gets mad at me because I said I would maintain the bills. I bring up that fight and him belittling what I do and he blows it off and still blames me. I can be a nag, but I have zero idea of what else to do at this point. I'm so tired.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Leave him for goodness sakes. Go to a lawyer and find out what to do next that won't jeopardize your portion of assets that will be divided and then find a place to live or kick his ass out... whatever you have a right to do.

                        You started the thread a month ago. Have you done anything at all except accept his apathy, indifference, sarcasm and verbal abuse of ONE ANOTHER?

                        Honey, you can be happy with another man in time. Why stay with this one.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Sounds as if you give as good as you get. Tit for tat.
                          Constant bickering over not much.

                          Nothing has changed and doesn’t sound like either tried to or want to.

                          Whats keeping you there and what’s preventing you from leaving?

                          Do you work ? Are you bored?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Honestly, money and a decent place to live is what is keeping me here. Of course I work, who can have a decent life and not have both parts of a couple work anymore? Haha. I am a recruiting manager.

                            The area I live in is so expensive. You say "well then move" but nowhere near where I work is affordable anymore. I'd have to have a 1.5-2 hour commute (one way) to have anything even decently affordable. I have 2 dogs, since my husband doesn't want kids I guess they are my kids. Having a place large enough for them to be happy is an issue as well.

                            I know I could be happy with another man, and that's exactly what I want. I'm just not sure how to make it work.

                            You say tit for tat, but am I supposed to just let him sloth around and I do everything? How is that okay? I get people are different, but who is okay with trash all around their desk when they can't even bring themselves to clean up because they are so involved in video games? I don't understand how he ignores basic reality so much. It wasn't this way when we were dating, he played games but his apartment was clean, his car was clean, we went to the gym together. I have a part of me that also wants it to be like it was then. Too much reminiscing I guess.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Have you looked into anything that would be affordable to you that is close to your work or are you just saying you can't do it without actually looking into it? You could find something (basement apartment, perhaps?) but you'll probably have to adopt out your pets.

                              You'll do more then complain when you are ready to do something about your plight. Until then, learn to ignore him or learn to accept him and hire a cleaner.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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