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  • Differences

    My girlfriend and I is kind of an unusual couple, I'm my own opinion at least. When we met online on a random website (not a dating site) I was a 29-year-old virgin that had never been in any kind of relationship. She was 26 and lived alone and was prepared to live alone for the rest of her life because of bad experiences from an earlier abusive relationship. She lived in Denmark, I lived in Norway. She is a Christian, I am an atheist. She wants children, I hate kids. She loves hiking in the mountains, I love staying at home watching movies. She thinks romance is cheesy, I am a hopeless romantic.

    Despite all this, and the fact that none of us was looking for a relationship, we both fell for each other, hard. And 9 months after we met online, 6 months after we met in real life and three months after we decided to go public about our relationship, she uprooted her life in Denmark and moved to another country in order to be with me. It's like we took all the accepted advice about starting a relationship with someone and moving in together and did the exact opposite of what they said. We love each other. Fiercely! I want to spend the rest of my life together with this woman, and she tells me she feels the same. I initially hated children, she has made me want them with her. I have difficulty explaining how much I love her. Our first date lasted 8 hours, our second date lasted 4 days. We where absolutly smitten with each other and spent most of the time grinning like idiots at each other. We still make each other smile every time we look at each other.

    But one issue that worries me is that I'm not sure why. We are polar opposites in almost everything. We try to take part in each others interests but neither of us particularly likes doing it. Aside from the differences I listed above we are currently struggling with interior design. I hate everything she loves, and she hates everything I love. We have resorted to having her decide the style of some rooms and me deciding the style of other rooms. The living room is a mismatched set of our styles so that none of us really likes it anymore. I feel that I have compromised more than her on this subject and I also feel that she uses guilt to get her way in many cases. Today for example, I wanted to put up a ceiling fan that I had from the time I lived with my parents. I love this thing. I think it's beautiful and I love the feel of the cooler air in the room while it's running. I told her this, and she expressed right away that she really hated it. I say that I love this thing so much that I am willing to trade her another piece of furniture/home decorating if she lets me put it up. This goes back and forth for a while until she proclaims that This is been my home before it was hers, and that I own the apartment, and that she wouldn't stop me from putting it up. But then she added that she would still really hate hate it, but that she loved me, and she would feel like shit if she didn't let me. So now I feel like shit if I hang it up, but at the same time I have a small suspicion that this was her plan.

    She has said similar things before too. Like that she will go to a movie with me if it makes me happy because she loves me, but ad's that she really doesn't like it. We have lived together for 9 months now and while I love this woman to death, I am starting to be worried that I won't be happy with her. We have talked about this, and she has also had the same worries.

    I don't really have any specific questions other than needing to write it down and maybe get some outside eyes on the situation. Sorry for any spelling error. English is not my native language. And I am writing this on my phone. Also, sorry for the long post. It kinda kept pouring out as I wrote it.
    Last edited by Magneto; July 5th, 2018, 06:18 PM.

  • #2
    Most guys just let their partner decorate. It's easier that way.

    Put up the fan and STOP letting her guilt you. Next time she says "I don't want to/like it but I love you so we will do it" say awesome... and then get it done. That little "dance" she does is as transparent as glass and you see it yourself so don't enalbe it anymore.

    That being said, compromise is one of the corner stones of a long lasting union so you must do some of it as well.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


    • #3
      Well, I'm going to be a little pessimistic here. When the infatuation stage wears off, and it will, believe me. Then you will be left with a controlling woman who uses guilt to manipulate you. A woman who is the polar opposite of you, who will be at odds on everything with you, and who expects to get her way every time. And heaven help you if you don't go along with what she wants. If you stand up to her, she will punish you until you feel defeated and just give in to avoid yet another argument. Life is too short to put up with this crap. Believe me, I know the type. Find yourself a nice genuine woman who cares about your feelings and your wishes. One who is easy to get along with and whom you have a lot in common with. Otherwise, you might as well just hand her your balls right now and consider yourself whipped.


      • #4
        Originally posted by Magneto View Post
        .....) I was a 29-year-old virgin that had never been in any kind of relationship.

        It's like we took all the accepted advice about starting a relationship with someone and moving in together and did the exact opposite of what they said. ....
        So you have no relationship experience and you ignore the accepted advice. Why would you expect this to turn out well? Loving someone "Fiercely" is nice but it's pretty normal for a anyone in their very first significant relationship. Believe me, it will wear off. That doesn't mean you won't still love each other, but when the "fierceness" is gone, you've see, as you are now, that maybe love is not enough to overcome your differences.

        Do as Phases suggested. Then see if she is willing to stop being manipulative and start being compromising and respectful.

        Good luck


        • #5
          Magneto , She's a Christian, you're an atheist. Initially, you hated children and she has since persuaded you. Next question, how will these children be raised? Christian or atheist? This will be problematic. You two are polar opposites with everything from decor, hiking vs. homebody, non-romantic vs. romantic movies and your honeymoon phase is over. Try as you may despite compromises galore, your relationship is doomed from the start.

          Find a woman who is an atheist, agrees whether or not to have a family with you, has similar decorating styles, enjoys the same movies and a homebody at heart. You'll be much happier and can relate so much easier with a compatible woman vs. a woman who couldn't be more different than night and day with you. Be practical, sensible and realistic.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


          • #6
            Concidering the emotions I have while reading the comments and the urge to snap at everybody I realize that this was a pointless post for me to make and I regret making it now. With the exception of phasesofthemoon's advice, which I am going to take, so thank you phases, I am simply not ready or willing to give up and I while I know you are probably right I am simply not in the right mindset to accept it as good advice. I wont't argue my case more than that. Sorry for needlessly bothering you.


            • #7
              I got to this thread late but I wanted to respond anyways! I'm kind of in a similar situation as you Magneto. I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly three years now and this is my first serious relationship. We are ridiculously different people, and I've struggled with doubts about us for a good part of our relationship because of this. We've had some pretty serious fights about our differences, but so far we've always been able to reach a kind of compromise because we would rather be together than have our way with whatever we are fighting over. I'm not saying you guys are going to have a smooth ride as a couple, it'll be difficult, but if you work hard to compromise you guys can definitely be happy!

              One thing that really helped me when our honeymoon phase wore off and we began butting heads is the idea of the stages in a relationship. This link kind of breaks them down, and it really helped me understand what is/is not normal in a relationship as it moves forward.


              • #8
                I have nothing against people being different (my best friend and I are different in many ways: religion, favourite type of music, food, etc. We share only our taste in soccer clubs), but living with a person that has so many differences will be difficult. But, people change, and if both change in some things you can both have a happy life together, but both will have to change, if only one does all the changing then the relationship will be unbalanced, with one person feeling that he/she has done all the work while the other only enjoyed the results.

                Good luck.


                • #9
                  I guess he'll have to learn the hard way. Some people think that love conquers all, but the reality is that love is a feeling that comes and goes in a marriage. Going in with major incompatibilities will be a challenge that few relati9ships would be able to survive. I guess that's not what he wanted to hear