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Really messed up past/situation... but I want it to work. What should I do?

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  • Really messed up past/situation... but I want it to work. What should I do?

    I met this woman on Tinder. We rushed into things very quickly in a few ways . I basically started living at her place right off the bat. After like 5 days she said she loved me while she was drunk. I responded I like her a lot too. She made me amazing food, we had really fun sex where we experimented with things we both are into but haven't done much, adventured in nature, everything in dating. However, there were red flags. She has this crazy ex who she has his dog. He guilt trips her about the dog and threatens to take the dog. She wants the dog as a companion to her dog. They were together 4 years by the way. So I comforted her and assured her she's keeping the dog. She was legitimately scared of him, she said he hit her once. The other red flag is she has a drinking problem. She has been an alcoholic for probably 5+ years. She told me the reason why she drinks is because she doesn't feel bad about eating when she's drunk. She definitely has low self esteem issues even though she is reeaally hot, like damn, how'd I snag this girl?! I played it cool until she said we should date. She didn't want to make it Fb official though...

    Fast forward a bit. She's communicating with her ex still. Seems like she is trying to keep the peace with him so she can keep the dog. Fast forward some more, they are communicating often. She tells me about how she can't get him out of her head. This is probably month 3 by then. Maybe late month 2. As time progressed she would get really drunk and then I'm not sure if she'd call him or he would but she would profess her love for him and how much she missed him. Background: their relationship ended when he pulled away from her drinking and so she felt lonely and cheated on him. He now guilt trips her and says how he had these plans to marry her. Anyways, she did this ed up on Valentines day as well. She had no composure about this stuff when she drinks. She'd treat me like crap during those times too. Somehow, we always made up. She'd say how she was stupid when she sobers up, that she wants to be with me, etc. Also, I'm not the first/only rebound since the broke up. She kinda slept around and dated a few guys for 6 months before meeting me.

    Fast forward to now, about 7 months later. She uber'd drunk to his house when she got invited over while I was with her at her house. It didn't go well for her and when she got back I left so that didn't go well for her also. The next day she apologized and said things were finally over, she seemed fed up, like he was stringing her along. I got the feeling they'd get close via texting and whenever she went to see him it went bad, then she'd come running back to me. Anyways, my last straw for was a few days after that "last straw of hers". I brought her to her first ren faire. When we got home she begged to drink. I was getting tired of her resenting me by saying no. I gave her the bottle I confiscated from a while ago. I drank with her but eventually stopped, I told her I'd like her to stop too but she didn't. I went to lye down for a while. Started wondering what she was doing. I go out and she's on the porch drunk crying on the ground professing her love and apologizing to her ex. I grabbed my stuff and left. I ghosted her for about 3 days while she begged for me back. She called me 31 times in two hours one night. I ended up, basically, telling her that I'm fed up with the head games and she can hit me up in a couple months if she figures out her as far as her ex and her drinking.

    8 days of me loosing my mind go by. Is she bettering herself? If so for me or him? Is she seeing someone else to replace me as she pines for her ex? So that night I go to her house. She's home. I knock on the door. She's shocked I'm there. She's sober. I'm allowed in. She asks why I'm there. I told her I've been thinking and it wasn't until that day that I started thinking hey, I love you and you're an addict, so I should have said no to you drinking. She then said she still has intentions with her ex. I said I know. She let the dogs in, they love me by now and I missed them so much so I gave them attention. She then wanted attention. She was all over me. She told me how much she loves the way I hold her and pet her, all my loving attention, she doesn't get that from her ex. He's much more distant. She misses that when I'm not there or when she's with him. When she's with me she misses how he is more masculine/confident and in a better place (I have a degree but a lame job outside of what I studied [though pretty damn good pay for what it is], terrible with grammer/spelling, a gun owner, and still officially living at home with my mom and I'm 29 [she never asked me to move in]). We talked about other stuff like my nature trips I went on in the mountains while not talking to her and whatnot. The whole her throwing her all over me also got reciprocated back to her. We agreed not to have sex though. She wants to be friends. I told her that her ex would never let her see me. She agreed. I explained that by being long distance friends she's getting the worst of me (bad grammer/spelling which really bugs her because she's a grammer nazi) and that our friendship would just dwindle away. I told her to please not text me anymore (as she was when I was giving her radio silence) because it's messing with my head. She agreed. After more talking I invited her over the next three days since I'd have the house to myself since my mom is camping, she could see the horse whom she loves to ride, and we could bbq. She said maybe. She eventually said she needs to go to bed. Maybe 2 mins after I left she texted that she was super wet, that she doesn't know how I always do that to her, and that she was glad we got to say goodbye. Talking escalated into her saying things like she wants to try anal with me and also her wear this leather harness I ordered but didn't come till I stopped talking to her. She said maybe we can work something out (as far as sleeping together I'm guessing).

    So, by now you're probably like ?! Why didn't you leave after like week one?! Truuuuuuue. I don't know. You heard a lot of REALLY bad. It's hard to explain the good. I've been with a lot of women, probably not as much as players, but this girl is "different" type of deal. Things are so weird. I would have left a hell of a lot longer ago if it was someone else. Y'all probably think I'm an idiot, rightfully so. I'm loyal to my feelings and heart though, I'm loyal to her though I shouldn't, and I'm not fed up yet I guess.

    So here's the scoop. She likes my kinky/erotic sex and aftercare, face (he's fugly), holding hands in public, shopping together, and things like letting her lay on me. She likes I wake up early, that I've gotten into running with her, she is stupid for my mom's horse, she likes that I'll cook for her (though hers is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy better). What he has is ownership of the dog she's obsessed with keeping, 4 year relationship (comfort/security/know's he'll kiss her ass when she does ed up things
    drunk), guilt tripping her for cheating/ending a marriage to be, masculine (though he seems overly aggressive to me, also I actually have done car work for her while he says go to a shop lol), taller, flatter stomach, higher paying job, lives on his own in a nicer place than hers, nicer car, and apparently he's the life of the party type of guy.

    I've already been job searching, working out, trying to talk to other women (though that's going nowhere), and saving more money for a down payment for a house. I'm doing the typical better yourself stuff. That all takes time. Now, if your first response is "dude, run for the hills", please come up with something else that's more inline with my goal of getting her back/long run. I understand I should but I'm not going to leave, yet. So, what can I do more immediately? I'm afraid to ghost or radio silence again because when I came over last night she said that it was just starting to get easier for her. That tells me if I don't try then she'll forget about me while pining over her ex. If I stay in the picture then she stays conflicted, partially wanting me but him a little more. What do I do to change that balance in my favor? I'm so frustrated that at first he was all hostile to her, then he finds out we're dating, he changes his tune, they start being all friendly, then rekindling things. fucking bull home breaker, where was my chance?! Sorry, venting. But yes, pleeeeeeease give me some golden advice to win her for good!

  • #2
    You're an absolute nutcase yourself, you know that? What is wrong with you? First you come to an online forum requesting help, you tell the story and then you demand that you receive only one type of answer for an impossible and ridiculous situation....all to what end? It's clear as day that this is a toxic and unhealthy relationship. Not only does she need real help from AA or another type of counselling for her drinking problem, you need serious help for your obsession around her. Both of you are addicted for different reasons and this situation is not going to clear up or be the bed of roses you're magically looking for. Please be serious with yourself and re-evaluate the stupidity of this situation. I think it would be in your best interests to focus on that house of yours and your down payment and stop comparing yourself to other men or your peers, and stop associating with basketcases that reduce you to comparisons of other people (namely exes). Work on your self-confidence, grow up and stop hanging out with losers like this.


    • #3
      The first thing that needs to be done is give the freakin dog back!
      Its not hers! She wants a companion for hers, then she can go buy one.

      All the things she "likes" about you are so superficial.

      She will never ever get past her ex as long as you continue to enable her to associate with him.

      So, drive her over to his , with the dog and watch her hand it over.
      Then get her into rehab (not just AA meetings)
      Leave her there with no contact and see what happens when she gets out.

      Thats the the best I can do with your request not to tell you to run for the hills.


      • #4
        I was at first saying give the dog back. But, it's been like one year now and he only used the dog as bait at first to try to get her to hang out with him or talk to him, she's paying all the vet and food bills, walks them, and he lied saying his new place doesn't allow animals but they do, so fuck him fuck that their her dogs I keep saying get them microchipped and end it.

        I guess my list does sound superficial. I see that and I don't. I don't know. We do have this strong energy though. I mean even if her ex were to allow us to hang out it would be a very dangerous mistake.

        Well they keep playing this don't talk to me anymore game back and forth after periods of good then going bad. He thinks he's too good for her but he's yet to find someone to replace her, plus he doesn't like someone going after his old gf... I'm not interested in my ex anymore but when someone new came along for her I got jealous. They won't disassociate until she finally gets tired of him, he gets tired of her, or he finds someone he likes more. They keep breadcrumbing eachother though after big fights.


        • #5
          And when she finally dissociates from him, she will likely end it with you.
          Because at that point, she will just see you as a doormat and that's hardly attractive.
          You need to disappear until she has completely obliterated him from her life and spent 6 months single and bettering herself.

          You really want the girl? You gotta leave her now. With zero contact.


          • #6
            If your best friend came to you and said, "I'm dating an untreated alcoholic who pines for her ex and is so obsessed about her dog having a companion that she keeps a relationship with that ex just to hang on to the dog." what advice would you give him?

            I suggest some serious therapy for you to help you get your head on straight. For one, you don't find healthy serious relationship material on Tinder.


            • #7
              She needs professional help from a clinical psychologist who works with addicts. After she gets sober you'll see her real self for the first time.
              "I find this a fascinating phenomenon: the ability we have to manipulate ourselves so that the foundation of our beliefs is never shaken." Muriel Barbery