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  • Worried about his friend

    Hey,
    So I've been dating this guy for about 5 months now. He lives about an hour away by train, so its not exactly long distance but we only see each other once a week.
    Basically my worry is he has this female friend that he's very close with. He hangs out with her one on one (going to dinner ect), and has lots of pictures of the two of them together on his walls. This didn't bother me too much as I knew she had a long term boyfriend.

    However, recently I found out she's broken up with her boyfriend and has been taking comfort hanging out with my boyfriend. Its making me a little uneasy, im sort of worried he's fancied her all along and had only written her off as a possibility because of her boyfriend who she's now broken up with. And Im definitely worried she might like him.

    I want to broach the topic with him (hopefully when i see him this weekend) but I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it. Should I ask him straight up if he fancies her? Should I ask if they have any history? I need some help!

    Thanks guys,
    xx

  • #2
    The first thing to establish is whether or not you're in an exclusive relationship. That has to be brought up and agreed upon by both parties. If you agree that you are in an exclusive relationship, then you need to set some relationship boundaries about contacts with people of the opposite sex. Ideally, you would both agree to them. However, if he doesn't agree with giving up his female friend, you have two choices. Either accept that he wants her for a friend or end the relationship.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      The first thing to establish is whether or not you're in an exclusive relationship. That has to be brought up and agreed upon by both parties. If you agree that you are in an exclusive relationship, then you need to set some relationship boundaries about contacts with people of the opposite sex. Ideally, you would both agree to them. However, if he doesn't agree with giving up his female friend, you have two choices. Either accept that he wants her for a friend or end the relationship.
      Thanks for your reply! We have already agreed that we are exclusive. And I dont mind him being friends with her at all.

      I feel like in past relationships I've always tried to be super "chill" and not mention when something's bothering me and I dont want to do that anymore. I want to be upfront. I'm just not used to doing that and I dont want to say the wrong thing.

      So I think the main thing I'm wondering is how to go about bringing this up.

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      • #4
        I just sort of want some reassurance

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        • #5
          You've been dating the guy for only five months, so now is the time to make if clear how you feel about certain things. He may not like it and doing so might put an end to the relationship, but better that now than investing much more time and effort only to have it end over the same issue in the future.

          I think you just be pretty straight forward about it.

          "...I notice your friend is spending a lot more time with you recently. I understand you two are close, but I believe it is dangerous and disrespectful to any relationship to be doing one-on-one date-like activities with members of the opposite sex--particularly when one or both are in an emotionally vulnerable state. I like so-and-so and I would invite a friendship with her. I would never demand that you do anything, but I want you to know how I feel about it and that the alone time you two spend together makes me uncomfortable..."

          Then you see how he reacts. You don't get into a debate about who is right and who is wrong or whether anyone can be trusted or not trusted. That's not the issue. This is about what you are comfortable with and what you need. If a relationship with you is important to him, he'll make adjustments. If it's not, he'll keep doing what he's been doing. And if so-and-so is really a friend rather than harboring a romantic interest in your boyfriend, she would be understanding and back off.

          If anyone, your boyfriend or so-and-so, starts accusing your of being jealous, controlling, insecure, etc., it's time to move on. It's a simple matter of respect for you, your feelings, and the relationship. If that's not present, there's really no future for the relationship.

          Good luck
          Last edited by Pollon; June 15th, 2018, 04:17 AM.

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          • #6
            You're in that unfortunate position. I think you should grow a pair of balls and stop seeing this person entirely. Leave him high and dry and wondering what he did wrong, let him come back begging to you, realizing the error of his ways. His behaviour is grossly inappropriate. I don't care how long you've been dating: 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years or if she is the empress of Rome. If you're serious about a committed relationship and it's monogamous from Day 1 (this is the first date), there's the right way and there's the wrong way. This is the wrong way to behave. He's never going to treat you right because you accepted WRONG from Day 1. Pick your dates properly and don't stand for this. If you do have a burning desire to tell him what's bothering you and face all your cards up, be prepared to leave and don't settle for less. This man is not worth your time.

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            • #7
              From a man's perspective, I also agree with Rose Mosse: this is absolutely an inappropriate way for him to behave. There is no way he should be seeing any woman one on one at all when he is in an exclusive relationship with you. He's most likely going to swear up and down that he has no romantic interest in her but I wouldn't believe it for a second. Does he have guy friends he goes to dinner with and hangs out alone with just as much? I'd suspect not. Even IF by some remote chance he doesn't want her sexually, he's still putting himself in the way of temptation and one thing can easily lead to another. As they continue to talk and hang out, an emotional bond is developing and can easily escalate after a particularly emotional discussion or a few drinks. This is bad news and you can talk to him about it but most likely, he will deny deny deny. Don't trust it. There's a clear line here and there's nothing wrong with demanding he not be alone with other women or have conversations with other women on a regular basis. At best, it's an emotional affair, and in my book, that's every bit as damaging as a sexual affair. She has a part of his heart that should be reserved for you alone.

              Just to prove a point to him, how about you don't say anything about her and start talking about "Jason" or "Michael" -- and old friend that you've been 'talking' to and going out to eat with once in a while. See how long before HE demands you put a stop to that. I'd suspect he wouldn't stand for his woman going to dinner with another man and having him over her house at all!

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                You're in that unfortunate position. I think you should grow a pair of balls and stop seeing this person entirely. Leave him high and dry and wondering what he did wrong, let him come back begging to you, realizing the error of his ways. His behaviour is grossly inappropriate. I don't care how long you've been dating: 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years or if she is the empress of Rome. If you're serious about a committed relationship and it's monogamous from Day 1 (this is the first date), there's the right way and there's the wrong way. This is the wrong way to behave. He's never going to treat you right because you accepted WRONG from Day 1. Pick your dates properly and don't stand for this. If you do have a burning desire to tell him what's bothering you and face all your cards up, be prepared to leave and don't settle for less. This man is not worth your time.
                I think that's a little harsh.
                We don't know how long this friendship has been going on for. Could be 15 years for all we know. And you would expect him after a first date to choose not to hang out with his female friend in the manner he is accustomed to , whether one on one or in a group , in order to do what you consider right? For someone he doesn't know, has yet to get to know.

                The OP sees her as a threat only now that she is single. She was fine with it prior to this.
                Maybe around the 3 month mark and after discussing exclusivity , was the appropriate time to discuss boundaries.

                Bringing it up now, since the girl is newly single, will of course come across as coming from jealousy. Which it is.
                I think the OP didn't like it, but convinced herself it's ok and nothing to it since she was in a relationship. She missed her perfect timing to discuss it.
                Discussing now will show a different agenda, however, she can't wait any longer.

                It will go one of two ways.
                He will get it and respect her wishes.
                Or he won't and deny them.

                The OP will have a choice to make if the latter.

                I dont agree with Jim, that she should give him a taste of his own medicine.
                He might be perfectly fine with her hanging out one on one with a male friend and thereby negating her argument .
                Sorry Jim, immature game playing only creates losers.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                  I dont agree with Jim, that she should give him a taste of his own medicine.
                  He might be perfectly fine with her hanging out one on one with a male friend and thereby negating her argument .
                  Sorry Jim, immature game playing only creates losers.
                  While I respect our opinion, MaggieMae, I, being a man, do not believe any man would be okay with his 'exclusive' girlfriend getting chummy with another man. I would bet money he will not go for that. Yes, it's possible that the OP's boyfriend's, frriend's boyfriend (!) was okay with it if what we hear is true. BUT it's also very possible the woman in question's own boyfriend either didn't know about it or she was only seeing him for a short time OR they broke up precisely because of her friendship with the OP's boyfriend.

                  Yes, game playing is immature and I only said it half tongue-in-cheek. I do think an honest discussion with him about setting boundaries and not seeing this woman alone and going on dates with her is appropriate and warranted right now. But I'd still be tempted to prove my point and play an immature game!

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                  • #10
                    I would go about it this way - I would start from my perspective, not his. It matters how it makes you feel. I understand that the woman needs comfort and men have the tendency to be the rescuers. However, it is DISRESPECTFUL to you. That would me my starting point. That way you turn the conversation towards your relationship and you being the one he needs to think of, take care of your feelings and protect you. I would never compete with another woman. You man has to decide who’s side is he on.
                    "I find this a fascinating phenomenon: the ability we have to manipulate ourselves so that the foundation of our beliefs is never shaken." Muriel Barbery

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                      I think that's a little harsh.
                      We don't know how long this friendship has been going on for. Could be 15 years for all we know. And you would expect him after a first date to choose not to hang out with his female friend in the manner he is accustomed to , whether one on one or in a group , in order to do what you consider right? For someone he doesn't know, has yet to get to know.

                      The OP sees her as a threat only now that she is single. She was fine with it prior to this.
                      Maybe around the 3 month mark and after discussing exclusivity , was the appropriate time to discuss boundaries.

                      Bringing it up now, since the girl is newly single, will of course come across as coming from jealousy. Which it is.
                      I think the OP didn't like it, but convinced herself it's ok and nothing to it since she was in a relationship. She missed her perfect timing to discuss it.
                      Discussing now will show a different agenda, however, she can't wait any longer.

                      It will go one of two ways.
                      He will get it and respect her wishes.
                      Or he won't and deny them.

                      The OP will have a choice to make if the latter.

                      I dont agree with Jim, that she should give him a taste of his own medicine.
                      He might be perfectly fine with her hanging out one on one with a male friend and thereby negating her argument .
                      Sorry Jim, immature game playing only creates losers.
                      I see your point but completely disagree. Lying in wait and then springing the topic of boundaries is quite arguably inconsiderate to the other party as well. I think it's exactly this approach that creates problems and issues down the line. People act nice around each other and it's a facade. What's really bothering them is simmering under the surface.

                      I also disagree that it has anything to do with jealousy. It has everything to do with behaving respectfully and being mindful of your partner. If a person isn't ready to date or put aside erroneous friendships and relationships that undermine a serious relationship, they shouldn't be dating or they should be dating someone with looser ideals of what constitutes a relationship.

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