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  • Feminism ruining my relationship?

    Hello i figured this would be the best place to post this issue and to be clear im not anti feminist or anything just incase the title comes across as misleading.

    My girlfriend and i have been together for almost 6 years now, we are both in our late 20s and were friends for a few years before we got together. As most relationships start with the honeymoom period ours was somewhat cut overnight. Romance/intimacy and being somewhat likeminded changed very quickly. My girlfriend left her college course and her job due to feeling unfulfilled in potential career prospects. During this down time she started reading what she calls feminists blogs as she felt empowered by them. Luckily after sometime she was able to work again. Since she became a feminist she has lost interest in me. This was only about 1 and a half years into the relationship. We used to go out walks at night, watch movies cook together and go out drinking when our stomachs could handle it, everything in the bedroom was fine.

    now none of these things happen.

    we cant watch a movie without her pointing out how its a construct of the patriarchy.
    we dont go out for walks anymore as she is too tired which is understandable
    she only drinks with work colleagues.
    we only cook for ourselves as she makes it a mystery of what and when she wants to eat.
    and any intimacy has been rejected or shot down before i get the chance.

    these are just some of the main changes, we are more like room mates now than a couple and its depressing.

    my attempts at trying to see how she feels gets answered with "stop mansplaining" or silence
    anytime i try to learn more about how she feels about me since becoming a feminist results in "you are a man so you wont listen anyway" or some other passive sexist remark.

    anytime i instigate anything romantic or sexual she pretends to be tired or becomes glued to her phone, the only reply i had to this was "we have different needs" my issue is she has no need whatsoever yet will get upset if i hint at leaving.

    she wont talk because it all comes back to me being linked to the modern day womans oppressor which is the white male. Its got to the point where i feel guilty for trying to be romantic or more. It doesnt feel like her influence from feminism is justified, it just feels toxic and sexist.

    has anyone dealt with this sort of issue before?


  • #2
    Feminists are a pain in the ass. Unless they truly come from a male dominated country / culture.
    They don't want equality they want dominance and revenge.

    Does she actually actively do anything to create equality where there is none? Or is she just a whinger?

    Do you even like her? See a future with her?
    She is disrespectful to your opinions and only because of your gender without willingness to discuss.
    She doesn't sound very smart.
    And as a self professed feminist , she is actually a follower , not a leader and only practising her empowered self on you.
    Shes a dope! I'd dump her!

    Comment


    • #3
      She "raises awareness" and mostly by pointing out every possible inequality and projects it onto me as if im part of the problem.

      I see a future with her if she can revert back to a rational person that can have an ideology and a relationship at the same time. I do my best to support her views and remain quiet when it comes to unhinged sexism towards the male population.

      my opinions dont reach her, she avoids debate or any oppertunity to open up for a reason she cant explain.

      she has the capacity to be smart but this idea of oppression has made us drift apart. Im not the patriarchy, im just some dude that happens to love and respect her, i also once in awhile like to know that im loved back but the grudge prevents that.

      im not educated enough on feminism to point out all the contradictions nor should i have to.

      i dont want to dump her if anything im scared she will paint me as a user or worse if i did.

      do feminists hate their boyfriends because of issues in society that have existed since before i was born? I just want things to go back to normal

      Comment


      • #4
        Daniel55, I hate to break it to you but if there is one thing I've learned in life, it's that you can NEVER deal with irrational people. You can't force it. There are times when you'll feel the most safe, secure, protected, comfortable, undisturbed and relaxed without them in your life. Never waste your time, energy and resources on irrational and unreasonable people. I've learned this harsh lesson the hard way.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for the response i was hoping for an alternative

          Comment


          • #6
            Daniel55 , Sometimes after you've dissected the issue to death, there aren't many alternatives left if any. Estrangement is not the first choice by any stretch but often times estrangement gives you peace; not necessarily peace of mind but peace. No one's at each others throats anymore, no one gaslights you anymore, there are no more arguments, discord and animosity. After a while a "don't care" attitude and behavior are in order. In the big picture, estrangement = safety, security, protection and enforced, healthy boundaries. I wouldn't resort to estrangement or friendship until professional couples counseling failed. This is if this form of therapy is something both parties are willing to put forth the effort in. If not, then you can read the writing on the wall.

            In all relationships, each person needs to be compatible with the other otherwise it's doomed from the start. Also, each side needs to be selfless, reasonable, sensible and willing to resolve strife with peace-loving goals in mind. If not, then I give up on relationships or friendships. I basically run out of gas. My tank becomes empty and I walk.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              I liked that way of words chanelle

              Walking away is difficult due to living situation/career, i would need to prepare in secret to be able to transition away smoothly which is why its my very very last resort, the problem being this idea thats caused so much damage just seems to petty at its routes and i feel like maybe there is still something i can say or do that cant be twisted.

              Its not the first time someone has brought up gaslighting as far as my issue goes, im not sure if its me thats being manipulated though or her, im always able to start a discussion and be open to suggestion yet i tread on egg shells since if i say something that isnt in line with "equality" then the conversation is over, literally ignored or forced waterworks to make things awkward.

              Most of her friends are almost feminists and yet they are in happy relationships (or so it seems) some of them are having children and seem somewhat more able to go a few sentences without bringing gender into everything.

              Does anyone have any good arguments vs radical feminism (is it even feminism when she has all the power anyway?)

              Comment


              • #8
                Daniel55 , Thank you.

                If walking away is difficult, then hopefully professional couples counseling. If not the professional route, you can't change the way a person thinks if they're not willing to be selfless enough to feel for you and understand where you're coming from. There's a total lack of empathy here and if two parties do not see eye to eye, the relationship is toast. This is regardless of gender and who it is whether in a relationship, friends or family.

                I grew up with gaslighting all my life and surrounded by it to this day so I can spot a gaslighter from a mile away, unfortunately. If you have to start a conversation while walking on eggshells and if the conversation takes a deliberate detour all the time, it is indeed gaslighting because gaslighters control and manipulate the conversation big time whether verbal or written. The subject is changed, there's name-calling, your words get twisted and you're left stomping out fires one after another. It's all gaslighting. I know every trick in the book. It's so classic. It's always awkward and ends awkward mixed with anger and frustration because it's endless. The conversation ends up going around and around in maddening circles. All of that is gaslighting which is sick, sick, sick.

                My mother went from one extreme to another. She married young long ago, married a wife beater and nowadays decades later, she can finally afford to pay a dentist to fix and replace her teeth! Fortunately, my mother survived post-divorce and post-husband's death. She worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to raise 3 children all by herself. She became a feminist. She never remarried. She's fiercely, financially independent. My mother's story is extreme because she hails from a long line of abuse stemming from childhood.

                What is your girlfriend's background? Perhaps if you can understand her background, it'll explain why she's overkill regarding feminism. I don't think your relationship is all about feminism. She wants to steer the ship, be in the driver's seat and run the show in your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship which isn't all about sole feminist views. She is the boss in your relationship and you are secondary. Both of you are not equals in your relationship which is the problem. This is what you need to address with her.

                If you continue to be incompatible due to different viewpoints (with all due respect), then you should plan your exit strategy because you're not on good, sound footing with her. Your relationship should feel lovely, peaceful and comfortable. If it isn't which it isn't, then this is a problem which will not go away. It's not petty either. Anytime you wish for a long term relationship, you need fundamental, basic harmony in the home otherwise you'll be forever unhappy which in reality is very unfair to both of you. Think about it.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  chanelle sorry you had to endure those hardships, your mothers story seems like a true righteous feminist act compared to my partners.

                  my girlfriends background is fairly average, loving wealthy family, she went to a good school, has been independant since 18 or 19 years old. Shes had her phase of "sleeping around" and doing drugs and was completely normal and open minded until she got a hold of the feminist media, i dont know what made her convert in such a way that its affected everything. After hours of thinking on it despite trying to get some answers to no avail, the only reason could be something to do with her expectation of what society thinks of her.

                  She doesnt want kids and hates it when older woman with children say its a maternal instinct and she will want some one day (i think they just say that to tease though)
                  The industry that she wants to work in is "dominated" by males yet has successful woman in it, she lost the drive to pursue that due to the competitive nature of it.

                  I dont think she wants to be the boss of the relationship, sometimes im under the impression she doesnt even want to be in one either because im a male or because over time shes been reading stuff that says "women dont NEED men"

                  She doesnt control me in the sense where i have to do what she says, i need to control what i say because i risk the chance of offending her as a male even if what im saying is valid/important/relevant. Sometimes she offends me with some stuff that she says but she is entilted to say it because im all for free speech.

                  If i reserve what i really want to say or to express how i feel it becomes this unneccesery power struggle that i never asked to participate in and nothing of which i want to say is offensive or condescending, i want to speak to her as her boyfriend and not as some man that can potentially oppose her views.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You would like a future with her if she reverted back to how she was over FOUR years ago.
                    Really? What's the likelihood even with counselling?

                    You don't want to dump her as you are scared she will paint you as a user???
                    How so? Are you using her?

                    Does that bring us to your point of not being able to move out because of living situation/ career?
                    You are in a loveless arrangement with an irrational being.
                    There is no partnership. Nothing equal about it all. And she calls herself a feminist? Pfft!
                    True feminists would be disgusted with her behaviour to be honest.

                    You sound like a peace keeping sort, yet all it's doing is causing you turmoil.

                    If you don't want to dump her, at least step up, become her equal, tell her you have a right to an opinion and a right to discuss just like all women had a right to vote before they were allowed. You are becoming a woman of the past rather than being a man of the present.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Maggiemay4791 Counselling isnt an option because shes under the impression nothing is wrong, also she would dismiss it if the counsellor was male. 4 years of a loveless relationship has been driving me mad and its only now im considering advice/trying to get out. Im stupid for being patient and not sticking to my guns during confrontation its just difficult when i know how good it was/could be. I feel that im at an age and mindset now that i wont be able to find someone else not with emotional baggage i would be carrying.

                      im not using, i do feel like its easier for girls to make guys look bad due to the bad boyfriend stereotype. Men are evil and woman are oppressed so they can do no wrong by her standards.

                      iv tried stepping up in a non assertive way and tried to compromise. If i want to hug or kiss she assumes i want sex due to "male predatory instinct" if i ask her if she needs help with something she assumes i think shes not capable. When i tell her communication is important in a relationship she says "i wont stand for mansplaining" thats only when things get heated though.

                      Its all excuses i know, i dont even have any friends that are girls that can talk to her on my behalf since she would be on equal grounds.

                      eveything is fine though if i keep my distance at the expense of the relationship
                      Last edited by Daniel55; June 13th, 2018, 11:21 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Daniel55 , Sounds like you're mismatched then. I'd plan an exit strategy since it doesn't sound like you'll be happy with her long term. Incompatible is incompatible and there is no way around it. Relationships don't have to be this hard and difficult. Yes, relationships are work but when it becomes too much work and stress to make it work, it's not working anymore.

                        Thank you about my mother. I'd say she's similar to your girlfriend despite their different backgrounds. My mother had made it very clear to me that she, too does not NEED a man. Then again, she came from the opposite end of the spectrum so naturally, she is fiercely, financially independent and content. She has her family which suffices. To each his or her own.

                        As for you, you need to think of your future. Do you see a realistic future with your girlfriend or do you feel that your relationship with her will eventually run its course? Think about your long term plans. If they don't match your girlfriend's desires, plans and if getting along with her requires too much maintenance, then it's time to make some serious decisions. You don't want to continue wasting your time, energy, brain space and resources on a woman who doesn't think like you do, doesn't agree with you, doesn't communicate peacefully and requires so much effort on your part in order to keep the peace. She has a right to her opinions and wants as do you but it doesn't mean you have to be together if there is such a divide to the point of excessive stress. Relationships require work but too much work to keep it afloat is unnecessarily taxing. This is the reality check you're dealing with.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Honestly man, you need to just run. Regardless of how much of an “ally” you are, it’s never going to be enough. Let’s just call it what it is. Modern 3rd wave feminists hate men. They have no sense of humor and they only focus on blaming men for their perceived injustices. When I meet a girl the first thing I do is subtly try to find out if she’s a feminist. If she is there won’t be a second date. I used to be a feminist myself, but now with the backlash against trump everyone has lost their minds. Modern feminism is more toxic than the masculinity they like to berate. She’s not going to grow out of it. Cut your losses and dump her.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Daniel55 View Post
                            chanelle sorry you had to endure those hardships, your mothers story seems like a true righteous feminist act compared to my partners.

                            my girlfriends background is fairly average, loving wealthy family, she went to a good school, has been independant since 18 or 19 years old. Shes had her phase of "sleeping around" and doing drugs and was completely normal and open minded until she got a hold of the feminist media, i dont know what made her convert in such a way that its affected everything. After hours of thinking on it despite trying to get some answers to no avail, the only reason could be something to do with her expectation of what society thinks of her.

                            She doesnt want kids and hates it when older woman with children say its a maternal instinct and she will want some one day (i think they just say that to tease though)
                            The industry that she wants to work in is "dominated" by males yet has successful woman in it, she lost the drive to pursue that due to the competitive nature of it.

                            I dont think she wants to be the boss of the relationship, sometimes im under the impression she doesnt even want to be in one either because im a male or because over time shes been reading stuff that says "women dont NEED men"

                            She doesnt control me in the sense where i have to do what she says, i need to control what i say because i risk the chance of offending her as a male even if what im saying is valid/important/relevant. Sometimes she offends me with some stuff that she says but she is entilted to say it because im all for free speech.

                            If i reserve what i really want to say or to express how i feel it becomes this unneccesery power struggle that i never asked to participate in and nothing of which i want to say is offensive or condescending, i want to speak to her as her boyfriend and not as some man that can potentially oppose her views.
                            Rather than being a true feminist, she is more like a spoilt brat with a sense of entitlement.

                            Im guessing her chosen Industry is not actually dominated by males but rather predominantly male.
                            Many industries are competitive regardless of gender and since she lost interest due to the competitive nature , it suggests she's not cut out for the role. If the competing was against males, surely as a true feminist , it would increase her interest to pursue and succeed.
                            Shes an idiot! She just uses her "feminism" as an excuse for her failures.

                            An instinct to have children is not restricted to females. It's simply that a male can father a child until he's 80, a female has a time constraint so the instinct is stronger , younger.
                            Some are more career minded than others and choose not to bear children. That's ok because it is the female that has to take a career break. But for her to be so adamant so early on is foolish of her. Never say never I say.
                            Do you want children??

                            You are young! You do not deserve to be in such an unhappy relationship. You sound like a caring guy , but perhaps not self caring enough.







                            Comment


                            • #15
                              You know, people like her just make me so angry.
                              It's whiny irrational women who dare call themselves feminists (when actually they are oppressors themselves) who make it so hard for actual feminists to be taken seriously.
                              The term 'feminism' has become a joke now, thanks to these women.

                              Meanwhile I'm working every day with young girls who have been circumcised (or mutilated), forced into marriage at age 13, or used as sex slaves in Middlea Eastern countries.
                              Where are all those so-called feminists? Who has their backs?
                              No, they're too busy complaining that there are too few female directors at the Oscars. Great priorities!

                              Anyway, that was besides the point. Just needed to get that out there

                              Daniel55 , the problem here is that your girlfriend has lost her respect for you.
                              You are no longer a team working towards common goals. You have become enemies, on opposide sides of a struggle. She has put you there, so she no longer feels the need to strive for peace between you two. Your needs no longer matter.
                              If she had any desire left to make you happy (as couples often want to do for each other), she could work on herself. But she has no desire to change. She's perfectly happy making you miserable.
                              There's no hope left there. You deserve better!
                              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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