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What Should I Do?

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  • What Should I Do?

    Hey guys, first post.

    My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for two months now. Prior to that, we were seeing each other for a good 5-6 months. During the time we were seeing each other, she's tried to call it off twice. Each time, she'd mention that she wanted to focus on herself and that she doesn't want to end up resenting me. However, she'd say she wants to be with me and we'd continue.

    Recently, we came back from a trip. We both had a great time at this trip and we were already planning for another trip towards the end of the year. But the day after we came back, she told me that she wanted to end it...again. When I asked her why, she said that she's starting to resent me a little and she doesn't want that. That if we stayed together any longer, she would stop caring and become bitter towards me. She also wanted to focus on herself. I said that while I understand her feelings, it doesn't make sense to me because two weeks prior, she told me for the first time that she loves me. I also stated that while she is in a relationship, she can also focus on herself as well. If she were trying to pursue a career far away or if I was holding her back from doing the things she wanted to, I'd understand and let her go. I've never tried to hold her back from what she was doing nor did I expect a lot from her other than the universal expectations (be honest, loyal, open). The next morning she texts me saying that she thought it over and that I am right; it does not make sense to end the relationship and she did not want it to end either. She told me we should sit down and talk about the things that we don't like about the other. I agreed.

    We met up that night and went over the things we did not like about the other. We both agreed that we do text a lot, everyday at multiple times, and that we don't need to. I pointed out that maybe this resentment is coming from her bottling up all the things that I do to upset her. But she said she didn't want to change who I am as a person. I responded by saying that it doesn't necessarily change me as a person but changes me for the better; for her and for others. While the talk went nicely, the next morning, she's been acting a little disinterested and distant.

    A little background about us though: when we're in person, we have a great time; whether it's traveling, eating, sleeping, or just relaxing. We get along and it seems that we have some sort of emotional connection. Through text, prior to this, we'd fool around, make plans, etc. So whenever things are good, we'd have a great time. We would argue here and there but we'd always talk it out.

    My question is, what should I do? I like this girl and would like to continue a relationship (also I booked the flights for our next trip and its non-refundable!!).

  • #2
    Are you nuts ??

    Why would you book a trip with a girl who flip flops between wanting to be single and then wanting to be in a 'relationship' with you every other week !?

    Did you do that so it would force her to remain committed to you until then ?
    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.


    • #3
      You need to find out why she is so unsure about the relationship. When she says she wants "to work on herself," I don't really know exactly what she means. If you don't feel like you're holding her back from being who she is and working on herself while also dating you, then why can't she work on herself while dating you? "Working on herself" doesn't ring out as a genuine reason she wants to end the relationship to me. It sounds more like this is what she is using to justify breaking up with you because she's too scared to tell you that she maybe doesn't like you. I don't mean that in an offensive way, you sound like an amazing guy! I'm just going back to the part you said about her coming over and talking about the things she doesn't like about you. If she wants to end the relationship to work on herself, why is she telling you all the ways she thinks you are wrong for her? It just doesn't add up.

      As for her saying that you text her too much... I have never been in a relationship where this is a negative, especially at the beginning. Most people are happy when their boyfriend/girlfriend messages them to say hi or ask them how their day is doing. The fact that she wants you to stop doing that and not contact her just seems odd to me as well. From the outside looking in it just seems like maybe she likes being in a relationship, but isn't sure she's really compatible with you and is too afraid to just square with you.

      The best advice I can offer you is to stop putting up with her back and forth. You deserve someone who is committed and knows they want to be with you. Let her know that she's either got to be committed to the relationship or you two can break it off and no longer contact each other. Don't be there for her to run back to each time she is unsure about the relationship. Doing this makes her think it's okay to continue to flip flop instead of committing herself. Like I said, it's not fair to you. You seem like a great guy, and you deserve better.

      As for the tickets, maybe you could find a friend to use the other? Some airlines also let you exchange the tickets I think. Either way, staying in an unstable relationship isn't worth any amount of money.


      • #4
        Are you......too sensitive, SensitiveChin? Awesome name. If you're unusually sensitive you may be making undue demands that you yourself may not be aware of or placing pressure on her that may be subtle but annoying. For some reason she feels stifled by you but still can't pinpoint why which makes her look stupid and irresponsible. I am a big believer in gut feeling and if she's getting that flight response (fight or flight) it's for good reason and there's something off in your relationship. Yes, I also think booking non-refundable tickets on a trip is a bit premature and this may be the subtle pressure she dislikes about you.

        Go slow and take it easy. Let her come to you from now onwards and ease up on initiating (or finalizing) plans or contact with her.


        • #5
          Thanks for your answers guys. To clarify a bit further, the trip was planned by both her and I. It was somewhere we both wanted to go. I only decided to book the flights after she agreed because I thought things were solid between us. She didn't seem bouncy about the relationship for a few months so I was confident things would go smoothly. It was never to pressure her into staying with me. Even as recent as last week, she asked if we could change the date of the trip because her coworker was taking an entire month off. Pistol, I wish I was nuts so that I could hit myself across the head but I can't. I've asked her a couple of times what she means by "working on herself". She said that she wants to not have to worry about other external factors and focus on her own priorities, but it goes to Witch's point: why can't she do both? I encourage her to actually.

          The texting issue was on both our ends but she brought it up. Of course we'd say good morning, how was work, lets set up a plan, etc. but she meant that we always talk as if we're right in front of each other. She said it's not because she likes me any less or that she wants to do anything suspicious on the side, but so that when we see each other, it's more meaningful and that we have more to say. It makes sense but then again, could she be trying to say something else?

          I wouldn't say I'm overly sensitive but I'm understanding of other's feelings. To me, it's a little frustrating: if she really wanted to break up, I feel that she'd be very adamant. For her, once her mind is set on something, she does it. Nothing can stop her. But what confuses me the most are these mixed signals. She tells me she loves me and that she's grateful for all I do for her/with her. Even now, she's making plans for Friday night.


          • #6
            I can't tell you what's going on in her head. Only she can reveal that, although she strikes me as the type who never lets anyone learn too much about her.

            I do wonder why you seem fine being in a relationship with someone who isn't even half as committed to it as you are.
            She's been one foot out the door ever since you met her.
            This while 'I need to work on myself' excuse is just bla. If a woman loves a man and sees him as a potential life partner, she doesn't even think of leaving all that behind to "work on herself".
            The ONLY reason why she'd use that excuse is because she doesn't actually think you have a long term future anyway.
            The whole "it's not you, it's me" routine is classic and I'm surprised you can't see through it.

            She doesn't actually want a relationship with you. But she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
            But whenever she actually starts to break up with you, you don't accept it. You try to reason with her and convince her to stay, and she can't handle that kind of controntation. So she backs off.

            if a woman doesn't want to be with you, stop trying to convince her.
            Don't settle for someone who isn't as committed as you.
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


            • #7
              Originally posted by sensitivechin View Post
              The texting issue was on both our ends but she brought it up. Of course we'd say good morning, how was work, lets set up a plan, etc. but she meant that we always talk as if we're right in front of each other. She said it's not because she likes me any less or that she wants to do anything suspicious on the side, but so that when we see each other, it's more meaningful and that we have more to say. It makes sense but then again, could she be trying to say something else?
              That just seems weird to me. If she didn't want to have those types of conversation through text, she could just let you know through text that she wants to talk about it later or that she is too busy with work or whatever else to talk through text. It just seems like too minor of an issue for her to be upset enough to be thinking about breaking up with you over.

              My boyfriend and I had a similar issue, but it honestly kind of resolved itself and it was never something we fought over. It felt more like a natural transition that just happens in every relationship. When we were first getting to know each other and had just begun dating we texted each other all the time. After we'd been dating for a while the constant texting died off on it's own because we were secure in our relationship (instead of kind of being in the chase part of it) and had begun to settle in and refocus on other aspects of our lives. I still text him almost everyday we work, but I don't expect a reply or an entire conversation. i.e., I text him to make sure he made it to work and tell him I love him and hope he has a good day. He replies if he has time or send the same kind of message to me if he hasn't heard from me. Again, this is never something either one of us was upset over. We just naturally transitioned over time to texting less and less.

              I think the real issue might be what Ayla said. Maybe she enjoys the relationship but doesn't know if she sees a future with you. You guys haven't been dating for an extreme length of time, so maybe she is just struggling with the idea of being in a long-term committed relationship and is scared of what that entails. That being said, I don't think you deserve to be jerked around. She needs to decide if she's in or out and stop nearly breaking up with you.


              • #8
                I think you're overanalyzing it, sensitivechin. She's fed up of the texting so just roll with it. She told you explicitly that it doesn't mean she loves you any less. It's just annoying and you may be draining a lot of her time which she isn't used to. Like Witch mentioned already, relationships do evolve. When my husband I first started dating he very communicative (still is). I was able to reciprocate for about just under a year before it got more and more arduous for me. I'm not a texter and to make it worse, I'd never been with a big communicator in a relationship. It's what I always wanted so now when I finally had it in this wonderful man, I didn't know how to behave or keep up with it. There was a rough spot of about 1-2 months where we worked things out and I realized that communication was important to him and I had to evolve with the relationship and learn how to fulfill his needs just like he always does for mine without question. I'm only telling you this story because it can go either way: either the way that Witch's relationship has gone with her boyfriend or the way that I've evolved with my husband. Relationships evolve and people evolve. The point is that you evolve together.

                If you feel slighted or that the communication is important to you, you need to emphasize that without accusing her of being a shoddy girlfriend or cornering her into tight space or making her believe she's no good for you (it just pushes the person in the other direction). I don't think you both are incompatible or are not meant to be together at all. I just think you're not communicating effectively and you're not respecting each others' needs.


                • #9
                  You are setting yourself up to be walked all over.

                  The next time she says she wants out, accept it and let her walk away .
                  And don't let her back in until she gives valid reasons instead of a "work on myself" bs excuse.

                  She has power over you. Why did you book the trip? I hope she paid you upfront!?
                  You are on uneven ground here.

                  You should not have to convince someone to be with you nor should you try.

                  Let her know she can't just have you when it suits her by your actions ie casually allowing her to walk away and not so easily letting her back in.

                  Tell her that each and everytime she does that , your interest wanes , that you are tired of her uncertainty and you deserve better than that treatment.


                  • #10
                    sensitivechin In order to have a sound relationship, communication needs to be harmonious whether in person or electronically. You can't have either or.

                    I've found people in my own sphere who are similar to your girlfriend. They're great to be around in person. However, when it comes to text, emails or IM, everything is taken out of context. If I try to be humorous or innocently sarcastic, it's off with your head. Whenever my head gets unfairly sent to the chopping block, I don't feel like being with that person in person anymore. It turns into bad blood feelings whenever I'm with that person in real life. Then it is time for estrangement.

                    Hope you can work it out but that's been my experience. Take it for what it is worth. Either have a smooth relationship with your girlfriend or you might think she's not for you because she's so unpredictable and flaky just like someone currently in my life.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."